I see BlueBirds!!
It has been 1 month since my sweet angel Crystal passed on to the Rainbow Bridge (April 6, 2006 at 8:45am.) I believe she is happy. I believe she is healthy. I believe she is safe. But, I know I will always feel as if a part of my own soul went with her. I know she was my canine soulmate. I was blessed to have shared 14 years of her life with her. I sacraficed my own health attempting to nurse her back from beyond, but I lost her anyway. That horrible day will haunt my memories forever. I close my eyes and still feel her lifeless body in my arms. I still see her eyes that I forced open to tell her I love her one last time. I will never escape all of the images of that last day. The pain and the longing to hold her again has not eased. I still miss her terribly.
I think the only real accomplishment I have made in 4 weeks is I quit blaming myself for not being able to perform a miracle and make her healthy again. I could not stop crying and did not leave the house for 5 days. Having 2 young children, I was forced to get out after that, but I just cried everywhere I went. In the 4 weeks I have found that I do have complete meltdowns at times, but I have made it a day or two without a tear. It doesn't take much to trigger a "meltdown," but I feel I have gotten used to the empty feeling and the empty house.
I still can't sleep without holding her dog toy. Night time is still the hardest. That was the time she became my "only" baby again. Nights after my human children went to sleep was our time to cuddle. That is the time of most grief for me now.
I have been fortunate enough to have experienced visits from her:
1. My 4 year old daughter had the first visit. At 2 wks 3 days after Crystal passed, she awoke telling me that Crystal came to her bedroom and told her about the bluebirds in Heaven. My daughter said that Crystal helped her draw a picture of what the bluebirds look like. Then my daughter handed me the drawing. (attached below) <meltdown> She said that Crystal stayed with her a while and then she went downstairs to my bedroom to check on me before she went back to Heaven.
2. At 3 weeks 1 day, Crystal came to me in a dream. It wasn't just a dream. It was a visit. She was running to me like a soft white cloud. She jumped in my arms and licked my enitre face. She was puppy-like and healthy again. It was such a beautiful reunion!!! I felt her soft fur. I smelled her. I was overjoyed!!! I just held her and loved her, but I was so happy to see her that I woke myself up crying. I woke up too soon!!!
I do feel as if Crystal is tying to communicate with me though. As I said above, my 4 year old drew a picture of a bluebird that Crystal told her was in Heaven:
May 1st, 3 weeks 4 days after Crystal passing, I SAW a bluebird. I was driving home from my 6 yr old daughter's school. My 4 year old was in the car. We were almost home and I looked in a clearing near my house. There was a blue bird flying along with us. My daughter said, "that's it!" So we let Crystal know we saw it and told her we missed her.
May 3rd, 3 weeks 6 days, I saw another bluebird. It was not the same one. This one was on the way to school with my 4 year old. We were about 1 mile from our house and there was a beautiful, bright bluebird flying 50 feet from our car. I pulled over and stopped. I cried and let Crystal know that I appreciate all the beauty she is sharing with me and told her that we miss her.
(**Prior to those recent sightings, I have only seen 2-3 blue birds in my 41 years of life. I know they are signs from Crystal.**)
The month has not been easy. I have had to see a cardiologist because the stress from grief has caused heart palpitations (8-10 per day) that got so severe one day that I blacked out. So I am under the care of a cardiologist, wearing a monitor at home right now. The echocardiogram showed no structural damage, and they can't find any chemical problem, so they believe it is all stress related right now.
I know I have read posts on LS where people want to join their beloved furbabies, but believe me, when you truly feel as if it is going to happen, it is very scary. I think this scare helped put my loss of Crystal in perspective. I truly love Crystal and she is my canine soulmate. I know we will be reunited when my time comes, but I want to be around to see my human children grow up. I want to see them grow into young ladies, go to a prom, and become happy adults. I admit I was suffering from depression, but I am ready to live again now.
If you are reading this and had a recent loss, believe me, the pain subsides little by little. Don't let yourself get so far down that your own physical or mental health truly suffers. Seek professional help. Your beloved furchild wouldn't want you to hurt yourself and your human loved ones, need you. The world needs you.
I still think of Crystal daily, and tears come almost daily, but time is healing the hurt. Sometimes it feels as if she just left me yesterday, but other times I feel like a month is almost a year and she has been gone so long. I still find myself curled up with her ashes occasionally, but I know she wants me to live. So I plan to try to focus more on the wonderful time we had together and look for bluebirds.