Hi, everyone who loves animals, My elderly cat Marmalade died early this morning in my house, and I was asleep during her last moments, and I slept thru her death. I had made a strong commitment to her to be with her during her dying and death, to be awake and holding her and giving her loving help. I feel that I failed her. I was awake during the night when she came to me and climbed up onto me in my bed, and I did stay awake to be with her for a short time, but then she moved down onto the floor and walked away from the bed, and I let myself go back to sleep, believing that she was ok enough for now, and was not going to die this soon yet. I believed she probably was going to live at least a few more days. Around two hours later, in early morning, I awoke from sleep, and thought of her, and called her name, and I quickly got up out of bed and began to weep, as if I sensed that she had died, yet I did not know yet, and I had not yet found her dead. I called her name again and hurried to look for her. I found her dead laying in her litter box, the pine cat litter. It looked like her heart simply failed and stopped. I never heard her cry out, and I do believe that I would have awakened if she had cried out. Please help me with this. Also, if I had known that she could die that soon, I would have given her much more loving attention and loving helps and deeds during her last day, and last days. I feel very bad about this, and she is dead now, and I cannot undo the wrongs that I did. I now know that I should have every day done for her as if she could die that same day or the next day. But I also was having very big hurts and too much other work and unfilled needs in my own like, and my body was sick and wounded and I had sleep deprivation, which all hindered my ability to give to her all of the loving care and work that she really needed me to give her. This is only a headline, an imperfectly spoken first step to begin to tell you the agony sorrow I am having now for love for my dearly loved cat Marmalade. She was 15 and a half years old, and I do know that she died of old age. I had her for three years. She was my sister's cat, my sister got her when she was a young kitten, and my sister died three years ago this April 29th. So I took in Marmalade after my sister died. My sister had smoked heavily and kept Marmalade inside her house all of the time, and my sister overfed Marmalade to the extent that Marmalade was morbidly obese overfed with her body like a ripe watermelon, at the time that my sister died. So maybe those factors caused Marmalade to died sooner than she otherwise would have. Plus, Marmalade is the kind of breed that has a very high fast metabolism, so that maybe shortened her life span too. She had been growing increasingly frail and needing more rich special food, for the past few months. I knew that she was going to die soon, but I felt that she probably was going to live a little longer yet, and then she died early this morning. Please help me. I did take her outdoors yesterday, but then I became very ill and brought her indoors sooner than I had planned, and so I did not take her out into the woods and into the earth enough, and now she died, and I cannot. There are many similar kinds of things like that, that I am feeling bad about. I am thankfull that I found this site. This is very good here, and many good persons who love animals, like me. I am having agony. Please help. I am bodily sick from this, and in grief for the hurts that she had, and that maybe I could have prevented some of them. Your friend, Maureen ...and yes, I do know that I am also grieving about my sister, too. I need help.

Hi, me again, a little more---- So when my cat came to me in the night, and I was awake then, and I was in touch with her, I could have chosen to stay awake for her then, and gotten up and put on my light, and held her and stayed with her and checked her more and watched her more closely until I knew for sure if it would be ok to go to sleep again or not. Then I could have been holding her close to my heart, and talking lovingly to her, and helping her, during her dying and final death. I know that I could not have known for sure if she was going to die soon or not, as each death of each different cat is different. This is my third elderly cat death. But her body was making a noise during her exhalations, that I now know is a sign of soon death, and I feel that I should have done better with her than I did. But her respiration was good, and I thought the sound was simply caused by growing more elderly and soon to die but not yet. I feel so very truly sorry. Please help. And I could have yesterday taken her out into the woods and into the earth much more, and I should have, and I feel bad that I did not. I feel that I failed my cat many times in many ways, and I feel I have been too weak, not strong enough, and tho I know that I did choose to love her, and I had big love in my heart for her, and I did give her good loving care basically, yet in those many times when my body was sick or wounded or I was very weary or needed sleep, and when other persons did big evil harmfull hurts to me, and all of these things that I listed were the truth nearly every day for a long time now, that all hindered my work to give all the good loving care to my elderly cat, and now I feel bad for my part, for what I did wrong, with the wretched wisdom of hindsight, what I did that hurt my cat. I thank you for listening to me. I am trusting you, I am being honest. Maureen Do you understand me?

Maureen,

First, please let me say that I am very sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I really do. I went through the "I should've's" for the first couple of months after Jake passed, and I beat myself up over it--please, don't do that to yourself. I also said, and sometimes still do say, that if I knew that Jake was going to pass so soon, I would've done things different. I am just thankful that I have many happy memories of Jake.

I believe that Marmalade coming to you was her way of letting you know that she loved you and that she knew that you love her and were doing your absolute best you could. You were trying your best, despite the illness that you were feeling to do whatever you could to care for Marmalade. Maramalade doesn't think that you failed her--neither do I, or anyone else here at this site. You love Marmalade, and you always will.

Please come here as often as you need to, we all understand.

Take care,
Sandi

Hi, Sandi, I sincerely thank you for responding to me. I am in agony, and I need to go back out there soon tonite, and I am dreading it, and I want to not be alone, but I am alone, and that hurts. I will keep in touch with you. Maureen

You have come to the right place. If you read the posting, you will see that many people share your feelings and understand exactly what you are going through. I know I do. I feel terrible guilt that I did not stay awake with my baby during her last night. When I awoke, she was in a horrible seizure and I had to rush her to the hospital where they could do nothing for her. She had advanced liver disease and had just been released from the hospital the day before.

I was with her when she actually died with help from the vet, but not during the night when she needed me.

Talking about it on this site and reading other people's postings has helped, although I miss her very much - she passed away three weeks ago and today is her birthday.


That you feel as you do now shows the great love you had for your baby, and in the end that is what matters - all animals die, the question is did they have love during their lives - your cat did, thanks to you.

Daisy's Mommy

Hi, Daisy's Mommy, I thank you so very much from my heart, you really helped me. I need to go back to my place far out in the country very soon tonite, and I am fighting off panic, and I feel I cannot survive going back there alone now, so soon, and in the dark of night, too, to a place with no phone and no internet and no loving neighbors and all alone. Can anyone help me with this before I need to leave this place? Help!!! I thank you. I really need help now. I maybe need to stay someplace else tonite, but I do not have a place to go yet, and I am searching. I feel that I do not have a true friend in this world, EXCEPT for right here in this website, you very good loving folks. I thank all of you. I feel horribly bad in body and soul, now yet. I did bury Marmalade all by myself alone today, before I left to drive to town, and that was very painfully hard to do. I felt very different, as I have been in a very different kind of state since she died. I love Marmalade so very much. I want to know for sure the real truth: What does happen to animal creatures after they die??? Maureen

Dear joywarrior.
My heart breaks for you as I grief the loss of my Sophie two weeks ago
tonight so tragically. But you were there for her and she knew that even
if you fell asleep. I was talking to my Sophie in her last minutes and wonder if she heard me and knew I had rescued her from those bad dogs and I think if I had got there a minute earlier it might have made a difference but I know I can't change that but it is normal to go through
the guilt and questioning. Now I am trying to look at all the wonderful
memories and joy she gave to me and for a short time my hurting heart will ease.
My 18 year old died last March. He was getting in really bad shape
with arthritic, had got so frail and had a cancer at the site of his vaccinations that wouldn't heal. I felt his kidneys were failing, too. So
we decided on that Monday we would take him and have him put to sleep .
We got the cat carrier out (he hated it) my husband got some thick gloves
because as weak as he was he would fight to not be put in that carrier.
He seem to have problems chewing his food so I bought him some vienna
sausage and fed him a few bites and he got some water and went
back to the closet(so many times sick animals seek a place to be alone)
the next day when he didn't come out after a few hours my husband looked in the closet and he had died in his sleep a very peaceful look on his face. So that was an answer to prayers that he would go easily. I had so
dread to have to make this decision but so thankful I didn't have to after all. His death was so different from losing my Sophie.
Please hang in there and try to rest and I will pray that God will give
you peace and rest...and comfort for your heart.
Love and prayers,
Sophie's mother

If you can put off returning home another day or so, it wouldn't be a bad idea, but in the end, I think that when you go there it will be o.k. There is actually some comfort in being around the things that you shared with your baby. As to where pets go when they pass on - I believe that, like with humans, other animals have souls that continue on after death. Unlike humans, dogs and cats are purely good so there is no chance of their going anywhere but to heaven.

Anyone who does not believe that has never known the love of such pets - no one who is as devoted and so loving as a dog or cat can be without a soul. I hear that there are even Biblical reference that support this belief, but regardless, having known Daisy, I an 100% positive that pets have souls that are pure and beautiful.

You will see your cat again one day and it will be wonderful.

It is way too soon for this for me, and probably for you also - but one day I will get another pet - I will go to the shelter and get a pet that no one wants and is at the end the line, and I will bring that pet home. This will be a tribute to my love for Daisy.

Best wishes, and keep posting.

Daisy's Mommy, Anne

Please read Job 12:10 - that scripture has helped me tremendously with the loss of my beloved Digger - I will see him again.

Hi, I thank you, Sophie's Mother and Anne and Missing Digger, you all helped me very much, and I want to keep in touch with you. I am weeping and crying deeply now. I do need help with this. I love you, Marmalade! God, protect my cats. I ask all of you to please keep in touch with me. I cannot survive this alone. Your animal-lover friend, Maureen

Hi, Missing Digger, I read that verse in Job, plus the verses before and after it. I am a member of the body of Jesus Christ and I fully choose faith in the Holy Bible, so I really thank you for sharing that bible verse with me. Your friend, Maureen

Maureen,
just to reiterate that come in this site often, write your feelings and it helps a lot. personally, writing about my baby and my pain helped me a lot. All of us who come in this site fully understand you because we are all in the same level of loving our pets this great. God bless!
LuckyNono's mom

Dear LuckyNono's Mom, I than you with all my heart. I am in this moment now very low, very deep in grief, and I can hardly move my body to do anything. I have been reading many of the posts. I want help to survive this crisis I am now in. There are mountains of work I need to do everyday now, and I need to be able to do all the work. I am setting my work priorities and wisely and lovingly as I can. I am alone here, no friends, no family, not my choice. My cat Marmalade, who died, was the kind of breed that is very much like a pomeranian dog, like your dog, or a pekinese dog, very active, very high fast metabolism, very spunky an kind of fast paced and highly intelligent and good personality. Help. I want to survive this. Your Friend, Maureen

Dear (((((Maureen))))):

I am sorry to hear about the passing of your precious furkitty, Marmalade , and I want you to know that you did not do anything wrong to hurt her!!

From reading your posts, it is easy for me to see how very, very much you loved (and, will always love!), Marmalade. She will always love you too. Her beautiful spirit will always & forever be in your heart --

I believe that this is true --- A love that is as strong as the love that you & Marmalade shared.....THAT BOND WILL NEVER, EVER BE BROKEN!!! Not even death will separate you & Marmalade.

As "Forever Jake's" mom said,

We're human beings, and we can't tell what's going to happen in the future --- when we or our loved ones are going to die, so all we can do is our very best.
I KNOW that you did your best for Marmalade. (Believe me......your Marmalade also knows that you did your best and she'll always love you for it).

And, as "Daisy's Mommy" wrote,

She's right -- what's important is 'were our furbabies loved?" .....
And, I know with every single person here at Lightning-Strike, including yourself, you adored Marmalade & every wonderful person here at LS loved their furkids immensely.

You said that, , BUT.....the truth is, YOU DO!
You have a true friend in God --
We all do, and God wants you to lean on Him when you feel alone & sad.

God WILL protect & love & take care of ALL of your cats -- It is my belief that all of our animals that have passed on are in the care of our Lord.

And, when it is our time to go to Heaven, we will be reunited with ALL OF OUR KIN - both our animal families & our human families.

As the others have said, please come here often Maureen and write what you feel in your heart. Everyone here understands the pain you are feeling.

I know that when my sweet Ernestine was put to sleep 26 months ago, I stayed right here on my computer on this site. I needed to be among people who understood all the pain & sadness that I was feeling.

Sending many hugs and prayers your way,

God Bless You!

Love, Denise

You know Maureen, when my baby died April 7, I did not want to continue living anymore. I could not eat or drink, or take my meds. I just kept on crying and reading all the previous and current posts in this site. After knowing from a lot of friends here that we will see our babies again, then I felt better.

Although it had been more than 2 weeks, the pain is still the same but I am not crying 24/7 anymore. I still have my moments of bawling but I know now that my baby is happy and waiting for me.

I feel that all our babies went straight to heaven. You know why? Because their hearts and soul are so pure, that humans are all sinners in pale comparison. They maybe our pets, but we learned one very important lesson. We learned how to love unconditionally, and to me, that is the ultimate kind of love. Like Jesus loved man unconditionally He gave His life. So my friend, you should feel lucky and blessed because Marmalade took you and let you in her life. She's now your little angel, you know! She's now watching over you.

We are all in this together, bounded by love for our babies!

God bless

LuckyNono's mom

"But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love"

1 Corinthians 13:13


"For love is stronger than death."

I agree completely with those who encourage you to keep posting about your kitty and your grief. For me, without the love of God and the support of this group, I would have fallen apart completely.

Daisy was my best friend, my baby and had all my love. If she could have stayed she would have, but when God calls - there is no choice.

She would not want me to be so sad. I know that all of our babies would want us to remember them with love and happiness, not with love, pain and guilt. I hope one day we can all do that.

Daisy's Mommy

I will also say that if it had not been for the love of God and for Him giving me the strength, along with everyone here on lightning-strike, I would have completely fallen apart. He gives me the strength to go on when the hurt is so bad that it feels like I cannot breathe.

There is a song out, how many of us here may have heard it, I don't know. It is by Carrie Underwood, titled "Jesus, Take the Wheel". The day of Jake's passing, as I was getting into my car to meet Todd to go to the vets, I started the car, and the first thing I heard was:

"She was so scared, she threw her hands up in the air;
Jesus, take the wheel, take this from my hand,
I can't do this on my own;
I'm letting go, give me one more chance,
Save me from this road I'm on,
Jesus, take the wheel".

That song has become one of my favorites, I have the cd and play it when I am feeling really down. It really has lifted me up.

Maureen, I have been thinking of you so much today. I know just how you are feeling. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) Please, let us know how you are doing, and, like I and everyone else here has said, come here as often as you need to. You are all in my prayers,
Sandi

Our precious little Pepper Anne passed away three weeks ago this Thursday. A Shih Tzu that we shared our life with for eight years. She died of congestive heart failure. Had no idea our baby was so sick. She showed no sign of illness, until the last couple days of her life. She had to stay over night at the vet. She was to come home the next day, she was doing really good. We got a call from the vet that afternoon. Thought they were calling to tell us to come pick her up to come home. But it wasn't. They said she stood up and peacefully laid and passed on at that time. My wife and I couldn't have children, so Pepper was our daughter. We love and miss her so much. Felt really guilty about alot of things. But thats part of the greiving process. I believe God sends his angels down to console our babies at the time of death. So they are not alone. They are escorted back to heaven with the angels. At that point on they are surrounded with Gods love. From that point on for eternity. As it will be with us as humans. And of course our babies will be waiting on us when we get there. God said we can have our hearts desire when we get to heaven. So I think I know what most of us want. Why would God create something so special and loving. That we love and care so much about in this life, and they us. An not have it where we would never see them again in the next life. God is not like that he loves us and wants us to be happy. So here are some good verses in the Bible to read. They are very comforting and will help. Isaiah 11:6-9 and 65:25, Genesis 9:14-17, Job 12:7-10, Psalms 50: 9-11, and 136:25, Proverbs 12:10 Ecclesiastes 3: 19-21, Luke 12:6. Remember God is in control. Good night our precious little Peppi. Mom and Dad will see soon. We are praying for all of us who are hurting.
Pepper Annes Mom & Dad.

Hi Maureen,
I'm so sorry about Marmalade, and I can really feel your pain. I sincerely believe that everything happens for a reason. I really believe that both God and Marmalade wanted to shield you from the extra grief you would have felt, in addition to the pain of her passing. They didn't want you to hurt even more than you already would. I believe it was an act of love and kindness on their part. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT! And now Marmalade is in a wonderful place where there is no pain, and is very grateful for you and the life the two of you shared. You two were obvious soulmates, and will be happily reunited when the time comes I have no doubt about that. She could not have had a better home or a more loving mother. To me, it's irrelevant if an individual has two legs or four. 0r even 40! Grieving for a loved one is something we all do at some point in our lives, it's unavoidable. It's easy to get caught up in the would-have, should -haves, and make ourselves feel even worse in the process. Try to go easy on yourself. We're ALL here for you. Feel free to lean on us.
God bless you.
Robert

Hi, Dear All of You, You all are giving me loving help and friendship very much. First, I want to say to Denise, Yes I know that I have God, He is truly my best faithfull perfect good-will loving friend. When I said in my previous post that I do not have a true friend in this world, I was saying human persons other than God. Jesus Christ is my best friend and perfect loving family person and my true Savior. I did tell the truth when I said that I do not have a true friend in this world, no human person true friend, and that was the truth at the time that I said that. I do have friends now, each one of you persons who does choose to love me and love God. I thank you very much with all my heart. More soon.... I need to phone my nephew now. He has a big need for my loving help now, and I told him this morning that I will phone him this evening.
After I am done talking with him, then I will come back here to read and talk more. I am having a painfully sorrowfully hard time with my grief for my dear Marmalade cat spirit soul person. My heart hurts very strongly in my chest and I am sick in my belly and I am partly bodily disabled from my grief, sometimes nearly totally disable for a while. It comes in waves. I know that this is all healthy and very loving hearted of me. I simply need loving help. All of my whole body and soul is in full grief. Whew!!! I thank all of you again. I want to talk with each one of you, as soon as I can. It is now two and a half days since Marmalade passed out from her body. I love each one of you and I am your friend. See you soon..... I would want us to meet together in the chatroom. There is another chat going now in a different pet grief support website, the chat is going from 8 until 11 eastern time tonite. I did not yet go there. I found the site yesterday, and I planned to go to the chat this evening, but have had too much other work I needed to do. I will find what site it is, and then tell you. Do a search for the pet death grief chats, maybe you can find it. Soon...... Maureen I feel much compassion and understanding for each one of you.

Maureen,

Have you thought that maybe Marmalade knew her time had come and that is why she came to you in the night and snuggled with you? From reading your first post, it seems as if she knew her time was up and she wanted to say goodbye to you before she left. She could probably tell you were very tired and weak yourself and I bet she understood why you fell back asleep instead of getting up with her.
Animals have a weird sense of when their time to pass has come.....

I will keep you in my prayers tonight.

Kurbysma

Which pet loss support line has chats? I would very much be interested in that.

Daisy's Mommy

Hi ((((((Daisy's Mommy))))))

Actually, we have one right here.

Just go to the main page of Lightning-Strike. At the bottom, you will see "Pet Loss Chat". Click on that, and it will take you to the "chat room".

Right here ---->>>> http://www.lightning-strike.com/index.htm

I just went there to check it out (11:20pm EST), and there were two people chatting.

Good luck!!

Goodnight & God Bless You.

Love, Denise

p.s. I don't think that I ever told you, but your Avatar, the photo of Daisy is sooo
extremely beautiful & precious. Daisy surely looked like she was such a doll,
and I would have loved to have met her!
I'm sure that your Daisy and my furbaby Ernestine are playing together up at
Rainbow's Bridge. That makes me so happy!!

Please, please don't blame yourself. My beloved Stripey cat died 4 weeks ago today after spending a week in hospital. She would have been 13 tomorrow and was diabetic. She developed ketoacidosis and unfortunately the vet couldn't stabilise her. She was peaceful and in no pain but I have spent a lot of the last month torturing myself that I should have noticed something earlier, that she would have felt I deserted her as she didnt see me for several days and that I didnt say goodbye to her or was with her when she died. I still have moments when I am overwhelmed with grief and pain as you will be. You were there - Marmalade knew you were there. Cats often seem to want to die in peace and alone and will take themselves off somewhere to do this, no matter how loved and adored they are. It was her time to go and she died peacefully after a good life - in a way we are the lucky ones as we did not have to make the traumatic decision of having a loved one put to sleep - with two other kittys aged 13 and 8 this is something I may well have to face at some point and I dread it but hope, like others, I will be strong enough to make the right decision. Grief is a hard emotion to bear - try not to make it harder on yourself by needlessly blaming yourself as well (I am much better at giving advice than I am at listening to my own!)

Be at peace.

Fiona
xx

You hit the nail on the head for me with this statement ! It always seems so obvious to me when I read other people's stories that they did the right thing, if their furbaby was sick or suffering, to have them euthanized, that there is no kinder thing to do for our best friends...so why is it so hard for me to get this through my own thick skull ??? Everything I type here at LS comes from the heart, so if those are my true feelings, I should be healed by now, I should be able to accept that I did what was best for my girl and for that have no regrets.... hmmm...so why is it that it has been almost two years since Sasha left and I still struggle with it everyday ????
your friend in grief,
Kim

Hi, I thank you all, Dear Kurbysma and Daisy's Mommy and Denise and Fiona and Kim, and God Bless You. I have not have enough time on the internet to do all the talk that I was willing and wanting to do here on this site, but I have with you in spirit heart every day and night. I will come to this site and read and listen and talk as much as I can, as long as this site continues. I am in deep sorrowfull grief now yet, in my soul and my body and my spirit. I need all the help I can get. We all do. We need to love and help one another all the time. I just now ate a piece of chicken and I felt wretched and I wept with sorrow grief because my dear cat Marmalade could not have it to eat. This chicken would have been so good for her, and she liked chicken very much. So many things hit my grief, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes expectedly. I love my Marmalade cat person soul. She and I were so much bonded together, she was a part of me, a big person creature in my life, and I was giving her loving care every day and nite, and she and I had very good communication with each other. When she touched eyes with me, she really talked to me with her eyes and it was very powerfull and real and spiritual personal and loving and alive. My photos of her are buried in unknown location in my stored things, and I cannot get my hands on her photos, but as soon as I can find the photoss of Marmalade, I will post one here for you to see her. Please pray for me. I will pray for each one of you. I thank you again for answering my posts and answering the replies to my posts. More soon...... Maureen