LuckyNono's mom,
Thank you for your kind words. Although it has been 5 months, the pain is still ery real and still very fresh..
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I can see the love so evident for your baby in your posts. Like you, I wish I could hold Jake again...and a HUGE part of my heart went with Jake. He was one of our kids--our "first" baby..he just showed up at our new house one day and chose us..we loved him from the moment we saw him..
So, the grief is like that of losing a human child or other close family member. Counseling has helped me, as well as friends from this site and lots of prayers. I don't think that I will ever "get over" Jake's passing...especially because it was such a shock to hear that he was sick and nothing could be done..within 3 days Jake went from eating and dirinking to lying lifeless..I was called out of class the night before. I remember crying and praying all the way, asking God not to let Jake die. That night, he was still purring, and I held his paw..actually, he held my hand with his paw..I tried to take my hand away to pet his head, and he just put his nails in my hand, as if to say, "no, mommy, I want you here"...I think that was Jake's way of telling me that he knew we were doing all we could for him, and that he knew we loved him.
I will never forget that final morning, when I got him to the clinic..one of the vets just grabbed him and RAN back to the clinic with him...and I had to go to the office and try to work. When I got the dredded phone call, and had to call my fiance to tell him that Jake was sick and had to be put to sleep, I was a wreck. I work in a medical office, and could not stop crying. I cried in front of my coworkers, in front of patients, I couldn't stop. I had to leave. Todd and I were meeting so that we could go to the vet to say goodbye. I wanted to hold Jake. I had to. I couldn't let him go without his mommy. It was so hard to sign those papers to authorize the euthanization. When the vet brought Jake into the room ,he seemed to perk up, and we both thought "NO! This is a mistake!" But, once Jake was in my arms, he started to go back downhill fast. Todd had to leave. I held him, and told him that daddy and mommy loved him very much, over and over again, until the vet told me that he was gone. I felt Jake's head go limp on my chest. The vet left the room, and I fell to my knees almost, they went weak. When I could muster the strength, I put Jake in the little box..and felt sick. After we left the vet clinic with Jake, I had to go to class..I had to take a midterm. Still to this day, I feel guilty for having to go to class. I cried all the way through it, and, though I did pass the midterm, do not remember any of it...thanksgiving was 2 days away, and I couldn't care less. Christmas and New Years came and went, and I was like a zombie. I still have trouble sleeping at times, but then, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and then, would yell at Todd and we would fight. I withdrew from everyone and everything that I loved. I was angry, I felt like a murderer, you name it...but ALL I wanted was Jake back....
I relaize now that was selfish of me..Jake wouldn't have been able to enjoy life anymore if he was still here, and, he would be in pain all the time, etc...so I am thankful that, although I miss him terribly, Todd and I have happy memories of Jake. It still hurts more than words can say, and I know EXACTLY what you are going through...and I am so sorry that you have to go through it...I will say that I would not trad the time that we had with Jake for anything...for the last months of his life he was loved, spoiled, warm, cared for, had plenty to eat, lots of toys..you name it, Jakey had it. That is one thing that has comforted me also. Knowing that Jake knew love.
Please know that I will also be praying for you. Thank you again.
Take care,
Your friend in grief,
Sandi
