On Thursday, my kitty, Bear, passed away. She was two weeks away from her 8th birthday. I saw her being born and she was my first cat. She saw me through so much: college, break-ups, my dad having a kid with his new wife, unemployment, depression. I've often been lonely and felt like no one understood me. But Bear did. She was always there for me. She used to wait by the door for me. She was weaned too young and she used to try to suckle on me. I was her mommy.

I am not used to death. My grandmother passed away two years ago. It was the first death in my life. She was 81, had Alzheimer's, and lived in another city. She wasn't a constant in my life like Bear was.

Bear was diagnosed with a heart murmur two months ago. Last Wednesday, she got very sick. I knew right away that she was dying. She died at the vet's overnight and I feel so guilty. I feel like I didn't do enough. I feel like I failed her.

I though Bear would live at least another couple of years. I dreaded her death from when she was a kitten. Her death was a total shock. I don't know what to feel or what to think. One moment I'm okay. Then I'm crying. Or mad. Or numb.

I want my baby back. Just last week, she was curled up right next to me. What happened? I have another kitty, Yoshi, who was adopted right before I found out about her heart murmur. I feel guilty for loving him, but he gives me comfort. He needs me, just like Bear.

Bear is a cutie, so sorry for your loss. My little buddy also used to nurse on me as well. Maybe he was seperated from his mother too early. I certainly know how you are feeling. Sid was my best friend and I have another cat, Nelson, who is a big sugar bear. But, I just can't help feeling a sense of constant loss for Sidney and a weird sense of disconnectedness toward Nelson. I'm sure that things will change with time.

Five weeks into this process things have improved a bit and I'm sure that they will for you. Losing a special pet is certainly the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with, but I'm trying to make it easier on myself. I'm not too sure that it's working, but I'm trying.

People who don't have pets have no idea of how much these little critters are little individuals with their own personalities and quirks, so many of them just cannot relate to what you are going through. The people at this site certainly can.

I hope that you find your own way to endure the pain of the loss of Bear. I know that we each have to invent our own way of coping. There will, in the near future, be good days and bad days. I think that the natural healing process works in this way. I hope that you have more good ones than bad ones, good luck.

You definitely didn't fail her. We aren't super-human and therefore can't make "perfect" decisions. Your intentions were perfect, though. You had gotten her medical care, and there was no way to know that she would pass in the night. I'm so sorry. But please try not to feel guilty. Bear would NOT want that. She wants you to be fine---as much as you can be right now. If the roles had been reversed, you would want the same for her. She knew, and knows, that you love her. And she's fine, in the realm where there's no emotional or physical pain. The hard part is what you're going through.

When it's your time, and you're both spirits, you'll be fully reunited with her. In the meantime, I have no dowubts that she's relieved that you have Yoshi. Loving him does not diminish your love for Bear. On the contrary, your love for him is partly in honor of Bear. You and Yoshi have endured this loss together, and it's fitting that you are comforting each other and that you are a committed Mom. How wonderful that you are able to give another needy furchild the love and care that so few animals ever get !

Keeping you in my prayers,
Love,
Kathy

p.s. Bear is adorable!!!