My Beloved Sidney. I lost you one month ago today. The days have crawled by and the loss is felt the entire time. I don't have to tell you that I love you. You certainly know that. I will tell you how much I miss you, though. More than you can imagine.

I wonder if some day I will be able to remember you with only happiness. There has been so much sadness to this point. You are and will always be my little love. My love for you will not fade with time. You have changed me forever.

All of your posts have truly touched my heart, and this one is no different. I can really feel how much you love your Sidney just by reading your words. This picture of him just screams "kiss this precious little face!", I just love it. Every now and again, someone will post here at LS that I will feel truly loved their baby as much as I did mine, and truly feel the same sense of loss that I feel. Don't get me wrong, I know that everyone here obviously loved their babies to seek out this type of forum to begin with, but a small handful seem to really mirror the depth of emotion that I relate to...you are definitely one of those people.

I'm not one who will tell you 'it gets better', because that isn't my experience, but it does get easier to deal with. It can be a real roller coaster sometimes. One day a certain memory can make me smile, another day that same memory may cause me to burst into tears. I guess to some it might be interpreted as 'getting better' because the breakdowns become less frequent, but when they come, they are as painful as day one. I can sometimes think of her and the memories of some of the funny things she used to do and I can smile (although just typing that has caused some tears, so you see my point on what a roller coaster it can be). Some say that time heals all wounds, but it has been over 20 months for me and mine won't even seem to scab over, forget healing! I guess time does have some advantages as it does help that stabbing pain to dull a bit, but it also seems that the more time that passes, the more I miss her. I don't tell you these things to make you feel hopeless at ever feeling happiness again, I promise you that happiness will come, and your life post-Sidney will be filled with its own joys and accomplishments, but if you are like me, they will always come with the afterthought of 'if Sid was here he would....' . I always find myself turning everything into 'Sasha would've....' no matter what the situation. We even got a new mattress the other day and my first thought was 'Sasha would've loved this'.... she is still so much a part of my everyday thoughts. I guess I always want to tell my experience with my grief to those who seem to be on the same 'level' as I am with my girl because I felt crazy for such a long time. Everyone kept telling me 'it will get better', but it wasn't, at least not to the degree that I could actually feel a real difference. I still look for a day that I will stop crying over her all together, but I don't see that as reality right now, and ya know what? that's okay! We are allowed to grieve as long as we need to, and miss them as much as we want to, after all, they were our children......
your friend in grief,
Kim

Dear Kim,

Thank you so much for your kind words. they truly touched me a lot. Support from the people here have helped more than I could ever have imagined. I may, some day, be able to tackle the impossible.

I am an artist and my lovely little guy was truly the studio cat. Every morning, after coffee, he was raring to go into the studio with me. When he was a kitten, and already a super lover boy, he would actually climb up my back while I was painting and sit on my shoulder and excitedly watch the paint brushes move on the canvas. It was frequently quite a shock as I was concentrating hard, to have the claws dig in and be a human ladder. Since my hands were usually covered in paint I would always scratch him with the back end of a brush. All you ever had to do to get him excited was to show him a paint brush. Insta-purr. The tens of thousands of hours that he kept me company in the studio are all in my mind ready to haunt me now. As is all of his hair stuck in the paintings themselves.

The "Sasha would haves" are already a very familiar concept to me. I am pretty sure that this will be with me forever. It's all, of course, still worth it. That we all have to keep on telling ourselves. Over and over. It's all okay, but that will not help one bit in dulling the pain of missing him.

Once again, thank you very much. I hope that you find peace.

What an unutterably beautiful cat. I love that picture of you both - you can see the love and mutual respect. It very much makes me think of Stripes, who was a headbutter and a face stroker and would gaze into my eyes for ages. Sometimes you just get that one critter with whom you have that special bond, and reading your words and looking at you with Sidney, I can tell this is the case with you.

Go well.

I agree. The picture of the two of you says it all. Sidney is beautiful. Reminds me of my Jake, always had to be there with his mama....right in my face, or in my books, or laying in my notebook--whatever I did, he was there. He was my soulmate.

Thank you for all of your kind and encouraging words that you have shared. You have helped me (and I am sure many others) more than you know.

Take care,
Sandi

Thank you all for the really kind words. They really do help.

I keep finding myself here as it is the only thing that actually seems to help. I have tried to move to a different stage of grief with little success. I even went on anti-depressants for a while, but I felt strange and detached. They were aiding in losing my Sid more quickly than I was comfortable with. I have been showering love and attention on my other cat, Nelson, who by any standards is a wonderful guy. He is the most gentle, kind, buddhaesque animal that I have ever known. But, Sidney was the most loving and intelligent little critter that I ever met. A cat that preffered kisses to food any day, and the term "soul mate" is a very apt one for him.

Nelson followed Sid around all day long, literally worshipped him, and is having his own problems dealing with the loss. I really wonder if knows what exactly happened. Does he know that Sid was really sick? Does he think that we got rid of Sid for some other reason? Does he think that he is in danger of being abandoned? He has taken Sidney's place as my tail, following me wherever I go. I feel guilty comparing him to Sid as well, which I can't help doing. He doesn't deserve that. He's a super-nice guy with a heart of gold. Cute as a button, with a substantial fan club of his own. So many people try to adopt him from me that it's not even funny. Strange though, as he lived in a shelter being passed up by people for four months before I snagged him.

Thanks again very much for all of your help and here's a picture of the big guy Nelson. How could you not fall in love with this face?

I am so relieved to read your last post and find someone who feels how I do. I have two other very beloved cats - Whitey (who is Stripey's twin), and Lily, whom I adopeted from a pal about 7 years ago. Whitey is a total flirt - incredibly cuddly and friendly, loves everyone. I am getting some comfort from her, and from Lily who is beautiful and totally neurotic - the cat who yells for attention then walks away when you pat her, then yells again. Whitey has been sleeping with me every night. I adore them both but they are not Stripey who was totally 'my' cat. I hate to say this, but in teh first few days of emotion and anger, I almost resented the other two for not being Stripey. I feel terrible about this. Stripey would sulk if I was away and had someone else caring for the cats - the other two dont mind as long as they get fed, she would reach up and pat me on the face with the most adoring expression imagineable. She would hiss at prospective (and commited) partners I introduced her to, and yell at them if they tried to move her off her spot on the bed, or walk past her. She liked to lie on her back with her paws in the air, and I would rub my face in her furry tummy and she would grab my head, gently with her front paws. She liked to comb my hair too, but wasnt the best stylist.

Like Nelson, Whitey is having issues, and like you I wonder what she makes of her sisters disappearance. Is she worried I'll get rid of her too? She gets very upset if she is shut out of a room away from me and juxtaposes between the pillow and in the bed with me each night. Lily has become even more vocal and worried looking than usual and is also demanding a lot more attention. Neither is eating as much as usual. It hurts not to be able to explain to them where she has gone.

Nelson is adorable - he looks like a big, cheeky male version of Stripey. Bless.

Tomorrow is 3 months for me since I lost Fig. I am miserable. Miserably sad, miserably depressed, miserably angry. I'm angry at myself, the vets, anyone who doesn't like cats. I miss him so much. He was the center of my world. It has been especially hard lately because work has gotten crazy busy and I go in stretches of frenetic activity getting things together (I usually like my job) without there being room to think of Fig- and then I panic- did he really exist? Did I imagine those 6 wonderful years? How can my brain let things slip that bad? Just a month ago I could still imagine his every move- the "should be"s you were talking about- he should be lying on the couch, he should be sitting like a buddha in the corner, he should be chasing the ball i threw for my other kitty. I have to keep reminding myself. I read about the stages of grief and I most feared the part where you learn a new routine without your loved one. I didn't want to go through that part. But I am living a different routine; not a very good one, but one in which Fig is a blur. I hate it. I miss him so much.
I see my other cat, sad, lonely, lying still with her head down- clearly depressed- because she has no one to play with. And there I am, frantically trying to keep up with work (from home) and not fussing with her as I think I should be. I take breaks and try to play with her, but she is as broken as I am. Fig was her world too. I don't think i can keep going like this.

I know how you guys feel.

If I never would have had Sidney I would be ranting and raving about Nelson because he is so hilarious and good natured. Sid will always color my view of cats in general. He was truly that amazing. I think that a large part of me has died and that my life from now on is in the post-Sidney stage. The post-Sidney stage is no fun.

I too felt disconnected from Nelson for a while. He was not Sidney and I just wanted to be with Sidney. I spend so much time with my cats and they are so excited about hanging out with people. I've never seen such people oriented felines. Nelson is this way almost as much as my Sid was.

It's hard not to harbor unhealthy thoughts like these, I think. But we must try to let them dissolve. I know that my big buddy deserves better. I think that I'm getting better with this issue.

Hope you guys can do the same.

When I saw the picture of Nelson (what a gorgeous baby), the tears just welled up; our Arlo was a slightly paler, shorter hair version! Those eyes, my god those eyes! It has been 2 weeks today, and I still have my moments, which I probably always will. I have been feeling lonely and disconnected and I keep looking, and listening. And Kim, you are so right; it is a roller coaster ride and I want to get off it - I don't like 'em. The other day my hubby sent me a picture of a dog that he thought was just adorable (it's kind of like the one from the dog food commercial with the dog "Maggie" who eats her owners shoes). I am afraid that he is going to want to get one, and it upsets me a little. I want my Arlo back.

Be good all

I am sorry for the loss of your soulmate. Sid was a handsome cat. It's easy to see his personality in the pictures. Nelson is beautiful too. Litty Kitty would stick her cold nose on my nose/mouth too. It used to bug me but now I want her to be able to do it again so bad.

It's hard to imagine a month without my kitty, so I can't imagine what you are feeling. I don't want the memory to fade and I don't want to get used to not having her around.

I am feeling the same disconnect as you are with Nelson. I have two remaining cats (Thomas and Tootsie). I get mad at Tootsie because I feel like she couldn't care less that Little Kitty is gone and I am contantly trying to get Thomas to do the things Little Kitty would do. But the truth is that neither of my other two have remotely the personality that she did. It just seems habit to stick my foot out for a rub and depressing when neither cat knows what to do (weren't they paying attention to Little Kitty at all?). Tom does miss her and he's been stuck to me since she died. I let both of them sniff her body but I don't think Tom really understood because he's always looking for her. It's just so sad. So I guess this is to say that I am having the same feelings as you. Mine as still very very raw and it's hard to imagine them fading at all.

I know how you all feel--I have 2 other cats--kittens, actually, that, when Jake first passed, I couldn't bring myself to be around them. I couldn't be around the house, I couldn't be around my fiance, I couldn't do much of anything besides go to work and go to school after work. Especially because I was terrified that Bailey and Fritzie-Waffles may also have FeLV. (Bailey is Jake's boy)
Even after I found out that the 2 boys are FeLV negative, I was afraid to love them--I thought I was forgetting Jake and that Jake would think that I didn't love him--(my heart still has a HUGE empty space) I started going to counseling, and I realized that nothing will EVER replace Jake, that he knew I did what I had to out of love for him, and that the boys needed me as much as I needed them--and thank goodness--I can now smile again--and what a comfort those two are--Bailey acts and looks so much like Jake that we sometimes call him "J.J."

I still have my moments--Saturday will be 5 months since I heard Jakey purr, since I had to make the hardest decision that I or many of us here have ever had to make--and when it gets close to this time of the month, I cry more. The lump in my throat has never gone away-the pain is still very real--and I think it always will be. My fiance and I found a mouse nest a couple days ago-another reminder that our ferocious hunter is no longer here--and we both said that if Jake was alive there would be no mice.

I have a question--we are getting ready to plant flowers at Jake's resting place--anyone have any idea of what would be good to plant to have? I know this is off track--but I am not a green-thumb, amnd thought maybe someone here could help. Thanks, everyone--I will be thinking of you all--

Sandi

Sandi - I am not sure of your climate zone, but we're planting a catnip plant, which gets a little whiteish flower when it goes to seed, by Little Kitty's grave, in addition to a small ornamental tree.

Catnip is a really nice idea. It's a great way to memorialize Little Kitty.

I had Sidney cremated and I will be cremated as well when I go. My instructions are that our ashes will be mixed together. We can spend eternity as we did here, always together.

Sidney loved smelling the flowers in our garden. It was pretty funny. If I had a scanner I would post some funny pictures of this. If I were to bury him I would probably plant a rose bush as these were his favorite sniffing flowers. He also loved all of the insects that would buzz around the blooms. I guess insects are just little birds to a cat.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened"

Thank you for the ideas-catnip is a great way to remember Jake, and, roses...I was thinking of them...I am going today to see what I can find...

The love that we have for our beloved pets is so evident in our posts. Thank you all once again for your support and kind thoughts and words.

Sandi

[QUOTE]I have a question--we are getting ready to plant flowers at Jake's resting place--anyone have any idea of what would be good to plant to have? I know this is off track--but I am not a green-thumb, amnd thought maybe someone here could help. Thanks, everyone--I will be thinking of you all--

I am useless with plants!! I bought a small heather shrub to plant on Stripey's plot - two weeks on and its still looking healthy. A pal of Stripey's, Alan bought 20 pansies last week - they always make me think of kittens faces - I planted them a week ago and they are really coming on nicely. Apparently, as long as you dead-head them, they will flower for months and should do so every year.

Ask me again in a month how they're doing, but so far so good!

Fiona and Stripey,

Thank you for the ideas! Everything that I have thought about, well, almost, i didn't think of catnip...others here have also come up with! I thought about pansies, and, not knowing much, thought that they would just come up once and that's it...

I am getting a white rose bush as a mother's day present--Todd and I do not have children together, our acats are our kids, so this was one way to memorialize Jake and recognize that Iam still his mommy, along with Bailey and Fritzie-Waffles...I am thinkingthat pansises and catnip will be a nice addition to his resting place also...it is underneath Jake's favorite tree, yet gets full sun, right next to a creek that runs down the side yard...

Thanks again...and I will be asking in a month or so

Take care,
Sandi