day three without our fred. coming back to this site and reading all the nice things people had to say really helped my boyfriend and me. we are entertaining the ideaof getting a new puppy.....not to replace fred (thats impossible) but to help us heal. we are just waiting for the right time.

I read about your Fred, and I am sorry for your loss. I wanted to say that my 2 kittens, Bailey and Fritzie-Waffles, have been a tremendous help in beginning to heal from the raw pain of losing Jake. Nothing and no one will ever replace our Jake.

My fiance and I felt guilty about the loss of JAke. I suffered from the "What ifs?" and "Was I a bad mama?" as well as, "Was there ANYTHING else that we could do? Did we give up too quickly and easily?" Jake had feline leukemia, and we had no idea about it until itwas too late. WIthin the space of three days, he went from our big, ferocious yet affectionate hunter, to not eating or drinking, and, the last day, when I went down to check on him, he was just lifeless. I called Todd, hysterical--I think that I knew then that we would have to say goodbye..and then I called the vet. I took Jake right down to the clinic, and had to go to the office. When I received the phone call asking if we would let them run the feline leukemia test, I had a horrible feeling. After talking to Todd and giving our consent, the next hour and a half was the longest I ever lived. When the dreaded phone call came, I lost it--in front of my co-workers and patients. Jake was so sick, there was nothing else that could be done. I had to leave work, and Todd and I went to the vet together--to say goodbye. I asked if I could hold Jake. When the vet brought Jake in to the room, he seemed to perk up--until he was snug in mama's arms, and then he was starting to go downhill fast. Todd had to leave, but I held Jake--and whispered those words of love until the very end--and then, after the vet said he was gone and left, I fell to my knees. I felt so guilty--like a monster. Jake, even though he was so very sick, fought the final needle. The memory of that still cuts like a knife. I just kept telling him how much we loved him and stroked his head. It was so hard. I am sorry to be so open--I had to get it out--the guilt was so great--I had nightmares. I thought that Jake was mad a t me, that he thought we didn't love him and that we just gave up--and some people said that they wouldn't have given up-they wouldn't have lost hope--and that made me feel worse. So, I researched the feline leukemia disease, and, being a full time student as well as working full time, buried myself in my final project on feline leukemia for my computer class, and work--and lashed out at Todd and withdrew from everyone. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, all I could do was cry, and fight with Todd when I did speak to him. I blamed him and told him that he abandoned Jake and I-when I needed him the most. I was awful. Finally, asfter Todd and I both said horrible things to eacho ther about Jake's passing, I decided that I couldn't live like that anymore, and I sought grief counseling. It has helped me so much. I have learned the the grief stages can be long, and that you can go through different stages at different times, and that time is what heals. For the longest time, I couldn't have anything to do with Bailey and Fritzie-Waffles--I needed time. Last weekend was the first weekend since 11/22/05 that I was able to really go to our new home where the 2 boys are and where Jake was laid to rest. I visit Jake's grave and talk to him. I even was able to go down cellar--Jake's favorite spot in the house (forwhat reason, I have no idea) and look around at the prgoress on our new home without bursting into tears. It does get easier. Time is the biggest thing I believe. You and your boyfriend will know when that time is right--and when that time comes, it will help you heal. This may sound silly, but, I talk to Bailey and Fritz about their big brother.. and I think that they remember him. Fritzie-Waffles was sitting by his gravesite the other day. And Bailey looks so much like Jake--and,since Jake passed, acts more and more like him every day. Jake is still with us--he will always be. So will your Fred.
I will be praying for you and your boyfriend. God bless.

Sandi