my little JJ has passed away exactly a week ago at this hour. i missed her dearly. i had her for just about ten years. i never knew that i could have developed such a strong bond with her when she first came into my life. i found her on the street. it was no co-incidence i knew. we were meant to meet and changed each other's life. she was about three years then, according to the vet. she passed away on march 18, 2006 in an animal emergency hospital. she had mammary tumors that had progressed aggresively. started about two weeks before her death, she started having seizures and gait incordination(she slipped frequently). after her third seizure (cluster), her health started deterioating rapidly. she was weak and had lost her appetite. although those seizures last only minutes each time it occured, it felt much longer. i couldn't watch my little JJ suffered like that. it really hurt me and i was so afraid that another seizure will hit her again. we suspected that the tumor had spread to the brain. the vet had suggested surgery but i thought it was risky, especially when she was already 13. they started her with phenobarbital to control her seizure and prednisone to shrink her tumors. i tried to take as much time off from work as i could and spent some quality time with her. she had always hated to stay home alone. i always felt so terrible when that happened. during the week before her death, i wanted to make some videos of her. i knew that the time was near. i took her back to the block where she was found (lost or abandoned with no id) and told her about it. that was a special place for both of us. i also took her to a couple of other places and her favorite parks for some more videos. she used to get all excited and ran around the park all day without getting tired but the last time, she had to take a few breaks in between to catch her breath. she was weak. the next day, despite my effort, i wasn't able to find someone to cover the shift for me. i didn't want her to stay home without me so i took her to work with me. throughout the day, she seemed ok except sometimes she seemed to be breathing heavily. i kept giving her massage. it seemed to have some relief. by the end of the work day, i took her home and that's when i noticed that she was very, very lethargic and was breathing even heavier. now i am thinking that the phenobarbital and prednisone had made her feel worse. i hated that thought. she was taking to the emergency hospital. when i got there, the technician took her but didn't allow me to go in with her. i could never forget that she was looking at me the whole time when she was taken away in the hand of the technician. she never liked to be separated from me. she had alway followed me everywhere whenever we were together. even when the bathroom was just steps away and she was lying comfortably, she still had to get up and followed me. she was so attached to me and i loved her dearly. she was very very special. a few minutes later, the vet came out to talk to me about her condition. she said she's very weak and anemic. she suspected internal bleeding but ultrasound of the abdominal area didn't support that. her heart was beating very fast. i asked if i could see my baby and she went to get her. when she saw me, given that she was so weak and couldn't even walk. she was so excited and jumped to me. for a second, i thought she was better again. just as i was telling the doctor, her little body collapsed to the table. she was still conscious and her two front paws were hanging on to me. the vet witnessed that and said that she had just used her last bit of energy to greet me. it was very touching. at that moment, i was very confused since every thing was happening so fast. the vet talked about supporting euthanasia if that's the decision. my little thing was suffering and i couldn't bare that. she gave us some time alone so i could think about it and meanwhile, talk to my little baby. i told her that i love her very very much and told her to come to look for mommy again just like what she did ten years ago when she found me. i told her that i would always love her and we would meet again. i kissed her and told her something else. she was breathing heavily and her heart was beating so fast and i didn't want her to continue to suffer anymore. then it happened. then my little girl was gone. the days followed was a mess. the house was quiet without her. first it was pain, then it was a series of questioning of myself. guilt was filled in the thought that i could have taken better care of her while she was still here. that i should have end it sooner so she didn't have to suffer another day, but on the other hand, thinking that i should have let her hang on...even though i felt that i made the right decision for my JJ, since she couldn't make decison for herself. that may be surgery was the way to go..even though i really didn't like that idea, considering her age. that i should have gave her all of the lamb chops that i had cooked for her. that i should have taken more times off from work to spend with her. that i should have taken her to the er sooner that day. that i should have taken her to a vacation, then there were more "i should have...". it was so hard. she was my best companion. my boyfriend loved her so much too and was very hurt about it. he said JJ was the best thing ever happend to him. she really was adorable. the love was unconditional and she was loyal. she was always happy when we came home and she always waited by the door. i wished that i could have known what she had wanted for herself. all i hope now, is that she's in doggie heaven having a good time. my little JJ, mommy will always love you.

i am so sorry you lost little Jj. what an angel...please try not to be too hard on yourself. i know the "what-if's" are horrible after making such a difficult decision. i am going through the same thing. i lost my mocha on march 9 and have ripped myself apart about whether i should have allowed all the additional tests and surgery. but like your little angel, mocha was 14 yrs old and the vet at the emergency hospital said we might be able to have a few more months together. she was diabetic and had developed complications and was having multiple seizures. i came across a website that might be helpful. http://www.connect.net/rdsmith/za.htm. it has an article on what animals think about euthanasia. the author is an animal communicator. a word of warning...it does say that if an animal is not ready, they are confused for awhile; however, your little Jj definitely sounds like she was stage 3. i hope it is helpful for you. it is obvious you loved her so much and did everything you could to give her comfort in her final days. i was so touched by the way you two met and how kind you were to take her to all your special places. isn't it amazing how these beautiful gentle souls choose to come into our lives and love us so unconditionally. i miss my mocha so much it physically hurts sometimes. please take care of yourself.

dear smitty_sca,
thanks for reading my very lengthy post and your kind words. i am very sorry that you have lost mocha. i know the thought that you could have kept mocha for a few more months must be horrible, but do you think those few more months would have been enjoyable for her or simply prolonging misery? although i struggled about all of the "what ifs" but my heart told me that quality of life is more important than the length of a life. the thoughts that animals could not complain to us on how they feel when they are not feeling well or even suffering frightens me. since animals often hide their pain or discomfort, i was very afraid that my JJ was suffering and she couldn't let me know. when i discussed with the vet on when is the right time to do it, she said that its ashame that some people waited till their pets got very sick to bring them in for euthanasia. i told my JJ that all living beings will come to an end one day. since death is inevitable, there is no escape from it. living one extra day, or one extra month, or months would not matter if they would not be enjoyable. in the case of very sicked animals, what if the natural death was not easy? i mean, how many living beings passed away peacefully in their sleep...not that many, really. wouldn't you regret more that you had not given her a better way to go when there was a choice if the natural death was not easy? living through old age when one is not healthy is not a good thing. smitty_sca, i just read someone on this website wrote" the decision made out of love could not be wrong". i cried after reading it. i believe that JJ and mocha realize that....

An extra week would not matter in the least. I'm sure of that. Euthanasia is always a difficult decision. I was able to kiss and hug my little guy at the end. Sidney absolutely adored kisses. When you said "kiss-kiss" to him he would always present his temple to you to receive his kisses. He died as he lived, in my arms, getting kisses.. Our other cat had a horrible heart attack and died while we were running around like crazy trying to get in touch with a vet. A much more horrible situation. I'm so sorry about JJ but I'm sure that you are glad that you were there for her at the end. I would love to forget the last day and only remember Sid in his prime. It was such a painful time and still stabs me like a knife when I think about it. I'm sure you feel the same way about those memories and they are hard to take still but I'm sure that you made the decision only in the best interest of JJ, though. We all did.

With all of the neglected and abused pets in the world aren't all of these critters super lucky to have found all of the people on this website? They were, no doubt, the very fortunate ones, as were we.

Good luck with your healing process, though. I for one am going to need all of the luck I can get. The future still looks pretty black to me as if I'm just going through the motions.