I cried a lot today.

I had a doctor's appointment and she knew what I was going through in January, she had even perscribed me mild anti-depressants to help me through it a bit. So, of course, she asked me how I was doing which led to a complete bawl fest.

Later, I visited my sister and her baby to try to cheer me up but it only made me feel worse. She has a beautiful little black cat that has always seemed drawn to me. It really hurts me to be around this particular cat because she's not taken care of, half the time she has no food and they treat her pretty badly. She has never formed a bond with a human and even though she's only 3, my sisters home is the 6th home she has had in her short life.

I'm riddled with guilt because I remember saying a year ago that if I didn't have my baby Nedo, I would take this cat. I don't have my baby Nedo anymore, and the guilt I feel for uttering those words is eating at me. I know this little black cat would finally have a stable home with someone like me, but I just can't. I just want Nedo back. So, I also feel guilty for watching this poor animal have a ~~y life because I refuse to take her.

I still say goodbye to Nedo everytime I leave the house and every night before I climb into bed I kiss her urn. My sister says that I need to 'let it out', but I'm afraid to really unleash my emtions. There's a tiny bit of black that resides in my mind and I fear that if I really let out my emotions I'll fall over the edge of depression and won't be able to come back.

I don't really love many people, you know that true deep soul kind of love? And Nedo I can say was honestly the first time in my life that I've lost somebody I truely loved.

I think that, when you are ready, you should rescue that poor little cat. The only thing that anyone has said to me that has helped at all is, think of the absolutely wonderful life that my cat Sid did have.

He was dropped off on the stoop of our industrial loft building in Brooklyn NY when Brooklyn was a hellhole. We looked in this box and there were the two sweetest kittens you have ever seen. We took the goofier of the two and gave the prettier to some friends. The rest is history, now. He did have the most charmed life that any cat could expect. I still wish it was a longer life and I do read some of the other posts with a tinge of jealousy when I see cats that made it tto eighteen years.

Two weeks ago yesterday my best buddy died and I have not had any good days yet. We'll see.
I know things will get easier for all of us, but we will always miss our special friends.

i am so sorry you lost your special furbaby. i don't know when you will feel better but eventually it will get easier. i don't know if this will help any or not, but my vet sent me a beautiful card when i lost my mocha on march 9. it has helped a lot, i hope it gives you some comfort. what is said was "Remember me always, but do not grieve me too long. I have always tried to comfort you in times of sorrow and have made every effort to add joy to your life. I never wanted to cause you pain."
copyright Alan Baker/illustrationweb.com. this made me cry so hard but also gave me a lot of comfort because it is so true. i truly believe our animal companions choose us and for a particular reason at that time. she helped me through so much. perhaps when you are ready you will rescue that little cat. it sounds like she might rescue you too. perhaps you can help each other heal. please don't confuse getting another cat with betraying or forgetting your lost loved one. also, if you get another pet, it will never replace your loved one. that is a special place in your heart that can never be replaced. their love stays with us and ours with them always. i truly believe they remain by our side. however, we do have the wonderful capacity to share our love with many people and animals and each holds its own special place in our hearts. that being said please don't beat yourself up with guilt. your emotions are valid and you are coping the best you can at this moment. grief has many stages. if you feel you are getting stuck in one of the stages, you may want to consider a grief counsellor to help you through this difficult time. i too have good days and bad. some times i feel like i am starting to heal and then the next day it is like i am back to square one. the one thing i do know though is that eventually i will begin to feel better. that doesn't mean i'll forget my special mocha cat. i will love her always. just know that you are not alone. we all understand. take care of yourself.

sandra

I think I'm going to look into grief counseling or something. My vet gave me a number to call but the hours that this place is open is when I am working, so that won't work. I just can't handle this and I feel like I'm just depressing my fiance when I cry about it all the time and I know that people are sick of hearing me go on about it.

Losing her ripped my heart out and I still feel so empty inside. She was the love of my life, she was my daughter and I feel like I am barely hanging on.

I am in the same boat as you are. I can't stop or slow down the pain. I have not worked since my buddy died. I work for myself so I have just been postponing everything. My parents and some of my friends are unapproachable at this time. Their attitudes are becoming untolerant of my depression. My wife is having her own problems with grief, so I can only lean on her so hard.

Professional help may not be such a bad idea at this point. I am definitely considering it. My buddy died 17 days ago and I am certainly no better yet. Even the idea of getting "better" is depressing to me.

If it helps you please let us all know. All of the cards and kind words that I've gotten have not done much. I'm sure that your home seems as empty and depressing as mine.

Hi all,

One thing to remember is that there is no timetable for getting over your grief. It may take days or months and even years. Don't hesistate to go to counseling if you feel you need it. Sometimes it just takes talking to someone to put things into perspective.
I'm so sorry for everyone's loss but one thing to keep in mind is to not let the grief take over your life. If that is what is happening then definately get some help.

Take care - Chris

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. Believe me when I say that I know what you are going through. My baby Jake passed away on 11/22/05, and the first three months were awful. For a brief time, I just cried and cried, couldn't eat or sleep, and then anger and guilt set in, and I lashed out at EVERYONE. It does get easier, especially if you can find someone you can talk to--grief counsellling.

Jake had Feline Leukemia, and my fiance and I had no idea until it was too late. In the middle of my grief, I decided that one way to honor Jake was to research the disease that took him from us so soon. Once the project was finished and I made the presentation in my college class, it was like I was there in the room with Jake once again, holding him until the very end. I completely fell apart. I withdrew from Todd, my family, my friends, and completely buried myself in work and school. I wouldn't even go to our new house-where our 2 kittens are and where Jake was laid to rest. If I tried, all I would do was cry. Then, my Todd and I kind-of separated--I was angry with him--I felt that he abandoned Jake and I at the end (he couldn't be in the room when the vet administered anesthesia) and I thought that he didn't care. We got into fight after fight and said horrible things to each other...and then, I decided that I couldn't live this way anymore, so I looked into counseling.

Jake's passing was only four months ago last week. I still cry once in a while, and I miss him very much. I have found that writing about all the things that Jake did that would make us laugh helps--and I have pictures of him--he will always be with me. I actually was able to go over to our new home this past weekend. It was weird--especially when I looked out of the kitchen window, expecting to see my big buff and white furkid in the backyard, hunting for something he could proudly display for mom and dad. Todd and I are back on track, and I have learned that he is grieving too. Our little boys--"Bailey" and "Fritzie-Waffles" are starting to be a comfort, instead of a stab of pain. Bailey actually looks and acts so much like Jake that we think that he may be one of Jake's offspring. Jake just showed up at our new home one day, and I do believe that animals choose people--Jake sure did! I still have bad days--don't get me wrong. But those are the days that I write, and those are the days that I talk to my counselor. Todd has gotten to the point where he knows when I am having a hard time. Instead of fighting with each other and pushing each other away, we are more open about our feelings. I'm not so angry anymore. No one will ever replace Jake--but, the little ones help take away the lonliness. Bailey was a drop off--someone just dumped him by our home last summer, and he was so dehydrated and loaded with fleas when we found him on the side of the road, we didn't know if he would make it. I was the one who was able to get him--and he knows mama saved his life. He was skiddish at first--now, you would never know that he had a rough start--he is healthy and loving and getting HUGE! He also will bully Fritzie-Waffles, who is about 4-6 weeks older than him. I think that when you're ready, you will rescue the other kitty. And like someone else said, kitty may rescue you also. They do help you heal. And you never know...somedays Todd and I swear that Jake has "sent" a message to us through one of the other two--and I "see" Jake sometimes. As a matter of fact, I was sick recently with the "flu", and had a dream that Jake was there in bed with me, lying by my side (as he would do whenever I was sick).
Please do not think that I am belittling your loss. I know how hard it is. And I know that when people would tell me that it gets easier, I thought they were nuts. In my eyes, they didn't know about how I was feeling--how great the loss was--and still is. I am so greatful for this site, because people really do understand, and are supportive. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sandi

I know what you mean about the guilt. I lost my beloved Zody 2 1/2 years ago and every so often I still cry my eyes out over him because I miss him so much. I lost my two old girls Nymph and Spicey within a month of each other last year and I still miss them a lot.
I regularly go to the spca and all those kitties are there wanting a home yet so far I just haven't been able to do it.
I learned after Zody's death that I have to take my time. Within four months I had gotten another black male kitty and it took me at least another 2 months after that for me to even start to bond with him.
That being said I love him dearly now, in a different way than Zody because no-one, absolutely no one will ever take Zody, Nymph or Spicey's place, they have a special place in my heart reserved solely for them. But I do love this special little character in my life also...

So my advice is to take your time. One of these days you might find yourself ready to love again and to let another little soul into your life and hopefully it will be this poor little kitty that deserves to be loved by someone like you.
Remember the love never dies...

It is so hard to loose some one you love so much.
Even if iyou have to take some time off work, it may be well worth it to go to counseling. After all, if you become too depressed, it could cut into work time, anyway. Might as well make it productive.
I know it helped me tremendously to talk about my greif. This website also helped a lot because everyone here understands.
It has been two months since I lost my Soshi. I still think about her every day, but I no longer cry every day. I did for a long time. Now when I think of her, I miss her, and even sometimes feel a little angry. I was depressed for a long time, too. Like some one else said, greif has no time limit. It's okay for it to last as long as you need it to.
So, I did a lot of talking about it to help me work through the greif.
I also made a scrapbook of Soshi's photos and other keepsakes (lock of fur, etc), and I painted her portrait.
I now have my two new kitties, George and Isaac, who give me lots of love. I've created a new place for them in my heart. They've helped me heal.
I wasn't sure about getting my boys even as we were carrying them out of the rescue, but now I'm glad I got them.
You are doing the right thing by sharing your greif. I don't think you're keeping it all inside because you're here and you're talking about it. Keep it up, and remember your baby would want you to be happy and to love again.
Much love,
brandy,soshi, george, and isaac

I finally had a dream about her the other night, and I think I know why I haven't been able to dream about her, I'm not ready. The dream was horrible. I was picking her up from somewhere that looked like a vet's or a hospital and she was in a cage at the back. She was just laying there and when I picked her up she was just all floppy and skinny looking, barely recognizable. I woke up crying.

I think my mind just won't let go of the last days she was alive. I'm trying to focus on all the wonderful times and years but those damn last days obviously are over powering everything.

I'm also starting to have health problems and my doctor keeps giving me all these tests but they can't figure out what is going on. God, I just need her so much! She kept me together for 11 years, she was my heart, soul and above all, my strength. I don't know how to live without her.

Years ago on some tv show, a mother had died and had left a letter for her children. It went something like this..."remember me with smiles and laughter for thats the way I'll remember you, if you can only remember me with tears then don't remember me at all."

Easier said than done of course and I still can't quite do it BUT it really does help to focus on all the happy memories and on all the love you shared. In the grand scope of things the end is short, a blink of an eye, in comparision to all those years of fun, laughter and love. The love never dies...

I don't know if this will help you but when my cats died my mother gave me a dream catcher and I glued wads of my kitties hair onto it. Somehow it keeps them close and in the hopes that someday we will all reunite but in the meantime all dreams I have of them are good.

Keep coming to this site to talk...we all in varying extents know what you are going through.