Thursday night was the worst night of my life. Our baby kitty, Pushkin Boots, who was the joy of the house since the moment he fell asleep in my husbands arms when we came to adopt him, fell 7 stories to his death.

He was with us for 2 years only, but in those two years he became our very best friend. His playful and gentle nature was unlike any either of us have ever encountered in an animal. When he came home with us for the first time we knew our little rag tag family was complete. He was such a goofy guss. He loved boxes. Any time he could climb into a box and sit there peaking out from his hiding spot he was in heaven and purred to himself happily. His favourite thing to do was tunneling. He would climb into our bed and get under the blanket, or squish his little body unde the pillows and then peak his cute face out looking pleased as punch to have found such an ingenius hiding place.

Pushkin loved people more than anything. Friends, relatives, even repair people who would come to the house would be treated to a rubbing up against the legs and if he could get picked up and cuddled by anyone he was in sheer heaven.

My husband and I recently moved to a new city, leaving friends and family far away. Through the first tough few months Pushkin made the transition bearable. He was a constant companion to both of us. I think I relied on him for comfort more than my husband though. I was happiest coming home and picking up his little rolly polly body, cradling him, walking around with him sitting in my arms. If I was in the bathroom for any reason Pushkin would be need to be there, and more often than not he would demand the tap turned on so he could drink some water--it was his favourite way to drink it. If he wasn't thirsty he would hang out in the sink, one of his favourite places to lounge.

Every few days we would take a walk in our hallway together to give him something fun to explore. He would dart out into the hall but then would stop and look back for me and wouldn't go further than a few feet from our door unless he knew that I was there and that he could dart back to my feet for some reassurance if a noise scared him.

He was the most gentle spirit I've ever encountered. He never bit or scratched, even in play he kept his claws to himself, and was content to claim victory when hunting for your feet (which he did any time I would walk past him) by putting his paw on your foot and closing his eyes in that "I love you" way cats have.

Thursday night he was romping around as usual in the house, I had opened the balcony door a bit to get some fresh air. I didn't pay enough attention to what he was doing and got out there and jumped. He jumped from our balcony and fell into a garden below where I found his tiny body lying on his side, looking like he was sleeping. We rushed him to the hospital, my husband carrying him in his arms like a baby, but it was too late. He had gone from us instantly.

Now I feel like my heart has broken into a million pieces and I can't imagine ever getting over this. Even though I know it's not helping I can't stop myself from thinking that if I had just paid attention to him five minutes earlier, none of this would have happened and he would still be alive. I have done nothing but cry since I realized that he'd fallen. I feel like I'm walking grief. I don't want to be near people because I feel like a zombie, but I can't stand to be at the house. I can't eat, can't sleep, when I'm sitting down I feel like I have to be up doing something but whatever I try to do seems either too confusing to deal with or just makes me think of him and I break down again.

I can't look at our balcony, I can't even open the window to get some fresh air in because it makes me think of Pushkin's last moment.

I am devastated and keep thinking about whether or not he was scared before he died, if he was in pain, if he wished we were there with him. I would give any and everything to make this not be true but I know this is a nightmare neither Pushkin or I are ever waking up.

I'm sorry to post such a long message on my first time here, but I feel like I have to tell my grief to someone who will understand the horrible, horrible sense of loss and devastation. How do I go on? Is there anything I can do to make this pain stop being so intense?

I miss my baby Smooshie so much.

Hi Tootsie,

I don't know how to say anything to help with your terrible loss, but I feel moved so write something. I can empathise with your feelings of grief, I keep expecting everything to be normal and its not, I feel like I should be able to turn back the clock - like what happened was a terrible 'what if' -it couldn't possibly have really happened, then it hits me again, and I end up numb.

I'm sure you feel responsible right now. But you're not, these things do just happen, even if we find it so difficult to come to terms with why. Pushkin sounds like he was such a lovely excitable little kitty, I don't know what to say to make it easier, except that you're not alone in your grief, or in your experience of the wonderful love a kitty can give you.

Jenne

Thank you!
I know eventually I'll work through this and I know I won't let this sadness I now feel be for nothing. I will never forget my baby and I will always have him with me in my heart.

I know eventually things will be okay. But for now it's hard to feel anything except unbearable pain.

This forum is such a great help. I've been reading stories of other people on here, people who had to watch their loved ones hurt, suffering, or had to make the terrible decision to end their beloved pet's life. It's making me realize that in some ways there were small mercies that were given us.
Pushkin led about as happy of a life as a cat could.

We never so much as yelled at him, he ruled our household with his tiny paw. We showered him with hugs, kisses, toys constantly. We played with him all the time to make sure he was not bored. We endulged him and focused on him so much. He was always silly and happy.

And in his final moments at least he didn't suffer. He made a bad judgement call, he was probably confused for the few seconds he fell and we know he died instantly. So his life was very happy right up to the end.

That's a help to know, to be able to realize that it could have been worse. Doesn't make the pain any less intense, but it's something at least. Like a faint beam of light in a dense darkness. I feel like I can follow it and maybe eventually heal.

Tootsie,

I just don't know what I can say that could comfort you. I'm just so very very sorry about Pushkin. Like you I've no proper eating or sleeping patterns. I've no attention span. This last week since Bam went downhill and we said goodbye to her has been a blur for me, so my feelings of grief are also very raw. Being able to talk about my feelings to others on here is helping me through it. I hope it's doing the same for you.

Hugs Jeanie

Thanks Jeanie,
I appreciate your note very much. I am finding it very helpful to be on here. We have amazing friends who I know feel bad for the situation but I know some of them can't understand how a death of an animal can hurt this badly. I'm not making any judgements on anyone because I know we all deal with things in our own ways, maybe for them it's easier to not let themselves love their pets as much as we all did so that they don't have to go through this grief when they lose them? But it's such a solace to find this place where we're all hurting but at least we can talk to other people who are going through the same thing.

I feel so bad for you and Bam.

It sounds like what you're going through is similar to me, in terms of not sleeping or eating, attention span. All of these things are happening to me too. I'm finding mornings the worst. I wake up early and it's impossible not to notice that my little love is not stretched out beside the bed like he always was, or not to have him jump on the bed and demand some cuddle time--a demand for which he was never ever turned down.

It might sound crazy but right now I really miss his yawns.

In the morning I would see him lounging in his little bed by our bed, and he'd always know when we were awake so he'd wake up too. But he was a lazy little lump so he'd just stretch his paws, look at us and then yawn these huge yawns for a few minutes. Eventually he'd decide it was time to be next to the humans and jump on the bed. We'd either plant him on one of our chests (mine or my husband's) and both pet him, or we'd make a little cave for him between us with our bodies as walls and the blanket as a ceiling. He would curl up in there and purr like crazy!

I wish we could all bring our babies back and that their lives would go on. To me what's unique about losing a pet and what makes it harder than even some of the people deaths I've gone through is the fact that there are never any conflicted feelings about our furry babies. They never dissapoint us, or do things to harm us. They are these totally innocent creatures who do nothing but love us and bring us joy. Even if they mess up (one day we came home to a poop on our couch--the closet where we kept Pushkin's litter box had gotten closed and he couldn't get in there) we know that they didn't do it on purpose at all. So the love for these little guys is so full and so pure, when they are taken away from us it's such a terrible loss. And the hardest part so far is knowing that my little baby had something really bad happen to him and I can't do anything to help him.
That's tough.

Thank you for your kind words regarding my loss.
I can't imagine loosing a pet without any warning. I think it would be so much harder. I, at least, did have time to try to prepare myself. I am so sorry. When I lived in an apartment I always LET the cats onto the balcony. They used to go out there on every nice day. I even grew grass for them in a litter pan on the balcony. It must be even harder that you recently moved too. I hope you are not too lonely. I am glad that your husband shares your love for Pushkin. I hope he is of comfort to you when you need him. They deal with things differently and that is often hard. Please email me personally whenever you need to. I am a mom so I am home on and off throughout the day. Take care.

Thanks Chris!
You just said the one word that has been on my mind since Thursday. Lonely.
I am so lonely without my baby. Desperately so.

And it's bad because I know most people in my life can't understand this. Co-workers, even my parents have been puzzled by how hard I'm taking this. My parents are Eastern European middle aged folk so their advice is to get over being sad for a cat because cats die like this unfortunately, and their opinion is that I'm only grieving our baby Pushkin becasue I should be having children right now and, of course, if I had a child right now I wouldn't even think about Pushkin's death anymore.

That has been horrible actually. And it sounds to me like that might be what a few people on here are going through with their family members. Even though I know some people don't love animals as much as others, I still can't really comprehend how someone can think that I should just get over losing my best little friend because he was a kitty and not a person.

We loved each other very much and I'm just missing him the way you miss someone you love who was taken away from you. I really don't think I would be less upset if I had kids. I mean, some people on this board are parents, including you for example, and you're still going through a terrible time. But try explaining that to people who don't get it. I have to leave for work in a few minutes and it's making me angry. I'm so sad, I would have loved to just stay at home today and be sad by myself. Of course I knew the response I would get if I called in to work sick, everyone knows what happened to my baby and telling them I was staying home because of feeling sad for losing him would NOT go over well.

Thank you so much for letting me know that you let your cats out on the balcony. I have been feeling like a stupid idiot, some sort of a clueless monster for not making sure he was never ever out there. I haven't had the courage to bring up the topic with my husband but I KNOW he feels 10 times as guilty. We used to have arguments over letting them out on the balcony--I was dead set against it because I was afraid that Pushkin in his silly kitten nature would have no judgement and would do exactly what he did last Thursday. My husband just had this huge ammount of faith in how smart Pushkin was, so he kept arguing that Pushkin would never do anything dumb. He's mentioned this one time since Pushkin died. He actually said that he feels even more responsible than me who actually was home with Pushkin when he jumped. He kept saying "I had even left him out there alone some times." I saw the terror and guilt in his face when he said it and I didn't want to carry on the conversation. I know he is dying inside just like I am.

But like a lot of you have said on this board, men deal with grief differently. That makes it hard. I feel like I don't want to talk to him about our baby boy because it makes him so sad. Well but on the other hand I feel like if I DON'T talk about our baby boy it will drive me insane.

It's so hard.

Thank you Monika, for your words of wisdom and kindness.

You sound like you are happy about your choice to get Bill. I hope he brings joy and love to both you and your husband. I understand how you feel about the crying when you got home with him, that is how I felt when my husband brought home Skip. I just don't feel like I can be attached to a pet yet. I have never really been a dog lover, don't get me wrong I love all animals but I don't care to have one of my own. I would rather have a cat because they are more like my personality.

My Tigger was so much like me, wanted attention only when he wanted it and wanted to be left alone the rest of the time. He only loved one person, me really. I loved him without a doubt and I always will, he will forever by Mommy's baby.

I am sure Pushkin's will always be for you but one day Bill will be your baby too.

I am looking to have 2 baby's one day when I am ready. I hope that day isn't too far off because I certainly do feel like I am all alone, even if there is a dog in the house.

Give Bill a kiss from me.

Monika, I am so sorry. I know I keep saying that, but I am. Please tell your husband that I did let my cats on the balcony. I never even considered that they might jump. I bet my young cat, Prince, would not even think about it and jump at a bird or butterfly though. He is fearless. Maybe that is what living with dogs does for a cat???? I am glad Elvis's story made you smile. I hope to talk to you again soon.

Monika, I read about Bill and I am so happy for you! As I said to Tiggers mom, my other animals have been the most conforting to me. They listen without you even having to talk! I think I love them all more now. Bill sounds like an angel in disguise. I am so happy that a cat that has been through so much has found a picture book home. It is like a fairytale!!! Thank you for opening your heart to him. I used to work for animal rescue and there are not enough people like you in the world. I can't wait to see a picture. Elvis, as all black cats, was part siamese. He had the siamese meow/howl and would talk to us. Talk to you soon.

No way! I had no idea that all black cats are part siamese! That is too cute!

Right now we keep thinking of Bill (we don't like the name by the way, he doesn't seem like a Bill to us) as our grief counselor. How silly is that?

He is not our baby. I don't think he ever will be either, he is fully grown and just a very serious gentleman. So for right now at least he feels like he'll always be our buddy. But he is the most affectionate cat I've come across other than Pushies. He planted himself next to my husband on the couch yesterday and started purring away, my husband started crying he was so happy and relieved to feel that kind of cat affection again. It really does feel like Bill's our guardian right now, there to make sure we are not too heartbroken. And we feel all this responsibility to focus on Bill and not just our pain because Bill has been through hell and he needs someone to be his guardians and friends.

Currently he prefers to sleep under our bed (well the first night was last night so that's no surprise, those kitties do love hiding under the bed!) but before we fell asleep he came to visit us. He snuggled in with my husband, then with me and purred a lot. Of course that only made us sob like babies again but it wasn't this hopeless black despair we'd had been feeling up to yesterday. It was total grief at missing our baby boy Pushkin, but with a touch of hope in there. That maybe together all three of us can get better. We keep thinking about Bill in this way.

He is taking care of us right now with his silly headbutts (which hurt! ) and just wanting to sit beside us all the time and to walk everywhere we are. When he raised a racked this morning when my husband was taking a shower and Bill got offended at not being able to sit with him in the bathroom there was another round of everyone crying. That was Pushkin's thing too. You couldn't go anywhere and not let him come with you. Also, I've been keeping a diary of letters to Pushkin on my blog since he died, well this morning I was feeling sad so I wrote one to him and wouldn't you know it Bill jumped up on the desk and typed a bunch of stuff too. He's such a nice little guy.

Chris I really feel like Bill needed us and we needed him, you know? He is really funny looking right now and I just don't know who else would have given him a chance. I'm sure glad we did! The three of us are kind of like a rageddy troupe of survivors, trying to keep on going and leaning on each other for support with every step.

Doesn't make the pain of missing Pushkin any less but at least I can talk Bill's ear off about Pushkin and he doesn't care one bit.

Here he is sitting next to my husband:

Tootsie,
first, let me say that I think Bill (which I agree doesn't fit such a beautiful boy) is a truly handsome boy, and very lucky to have someone see past his disabilities. He will repay you for it a hundred times over and be the best kitty he can be !

I wanted to touch on something you said about how your mother said if you had kids you wouldn't hurt as bad. WRONG! I lost my Sasha only 10 days after my daughter was born , and even with a newborn to care for, the grief was still very real for me and very much a part of my daily life. It has been 20 months since then, and I still feel the same way, my grief is still very real and a part of my daily life. As a matter of fact, I still talk about Sasha so much and have so many pictures (and the large oil painting I have over her special place where her ashes are) that if you point to her picture and ask my 20 month old daughter 'who is that?' she will say 'SASHA!'. I owe so much of who I am to the relationship I had with Sasha that I will no sooner forget her than I will any other family member I have lost. Her pictures will remain on my wall as long as those of my grandparents, and father-in-law, who are my other family members who have passed. In my mind, there is no difference.....
Kim

Kim thank you so much for understanding what I'm talking about!

I keep thinking the same thing. Even if we had children we would miss Pushkin this much anyway. In fact one of the hardest things is that my husband and I want to have children soon (we're both about 30) and we'd already thought about how amazing of a friend Pushkin would be to any little ones we'd have down the road, what we'd have to do to make sure he never felt any less love for even a second.

Now none of that can come true no matter what we do. THAT has been my biggest heartbreak other than just the fact of missing him and feeling so sorry something so horrible happened to such an innocent little life who totally didn't deserve to feel anything but happiness for many, many years.

I'm sure everyone here understands the feeling of just this terrible senslessness to all of this. Why did our little friends who were so loving and so gentle and so kind have to suffer? Terrible people are all over the world, getting rich, living long lives all the while mistreating others and making them suffer. And yet, these little guys who never did anything to hurt someone are gone. In the case of Pushkin it makes me increadibly angry that he wasn't even allowed to live for 3 years. I can't accept it yet. I try, but I just can't.

I can tell that some people at work who know what happened to Pushkin are thinking I'm nuts to be this upset. I mean I haven't cried at work or anything, but I'm not sleeping and so I'm kind of out of it, I've also cried every morning since he died so on Friday and today I went into work with totally blood-shot eyes. Just the looks I'm getting the leading questions "so...have you gotten a new cat yet?," "soo...that's terrible about your cat, cat's are so dumb sometimes..." etc. And for the first question the answer is obviously yes, but it's not for the reason that they are thinking. I didn't just get Bill to replace Pushkin because that is impossible, I got him so he could help me through the grief process and so that Pushkin's legacy would be saving another life...but I don't feel like talking about it even because I know they just don't get it.

I'm trying not to blame my parents for thinking what they are thinking but it's also making me not want to talk to them right now. I don't want to hear from anyone how I should just put things into "perspective." As far as I'm concerned I AM putting things into perspective. Pushkin was my very best friend since the moment he came home with me, he died in a tragic accident and it's one of the worst losses of my life. That is the correct perspective for me.

I'm so happy that at least here there are people who understand and don't judge and aren't talking about moving on as if it's something you're supposed to do in a matter of hours. I really don't get people sometimes, do they not have hearts? Can they not feel them break?

Monika:

I don't think anyone can feel your heart breaking except you and at least for you your husband. I am sure it is difficult to deal with the passing of Pushkin and I know that in time both of us will be able to feel better about life and having new furkids. You unlike I already have a new kitty, I don't feel ready. Having a pet for any amount of time can pull on your heart strings and if no one can understand your feelings then they obviously don't have a heart of there own.

Your parents may not know how to deal with the loss of Pushkin and don't want to see you hurt and unfortunately people never know what to say in a time of need, which really sucks. My brother didn't know what to say and all I could do is wish he didn't call me but he was the one who gave me my "poohbear". He said to me it could be worse....what is that supposed to mean??? It was bad enough!!!! Just keep your distance from those that don't understand for now they will eventually come to see how you feel OR they will decide to be nicer to you because they can see your hurt.

My parents actually have been very sweet, especially my mother. My mom came to say goodbye to my baby and actually has called me everyday to find out how I am. My father isn't doing to bad either. My parents have Pierre, thier dog whom my mother loves with all her heart, she can relate to me and my love for my sweet boy.

I think it's hard because most don't know and when Tigger did past instead of telling some people what happened I just said to those not close to me or clients I was dealing with that a close "family member" passed away. It's NOT a lie, he is a family member and closer to me than any friend. I don't want to tell my friends that but it's so hard to imagine my life without him even though he isn't here now.
But when I think about it friends always come and go, he was my one constant.

Just remember Pushkin was YOUR BABY and don't let others tell you he wasn't important including your parents.....we all have people we love and Pushkin was one of those you loved and will always love like I will my Tigger.

Thinking of you, your husband and Bill.

Tootsie,
Thank you for your kind words. I must say that the people who are trying to rush you through your grief are the truly unlucky. When I'm with someone who doesn't get that I really am grieving, I feel sorry for them because they obviously haven't had the opportunity to love or be loved by a pet. As hard as it is not having my Moyia, I would never wish that I hadn't had the chance to have her in my life. Iknow this sounds corny, but we pet-lovers are allowed to be corny.

Take care, Moyia's Mom

Moya's Mom I know exactly what you mean (or I think so at least ).

I keep thinking that those people who can't understand what I'm going through are the unlucky ones. I loved Pushkin, still do, with every fiber of my being. The loss of him is unbearable it really is. But the love I had for him, the happiness I felt with him really were the best and happiest days of my life. I wouldn't give that up for anything in the world.

I want everyone to know on here that Bill is not even close to being a replacement for Pushkin. We really took him in because we feel like he is sad over the terrible things that happened to him and so are we, so we hope all three of us can get over our losses (whether eye or the love of a lifetime) together over time. But I don't love Bill the way that I love Pushkin. Bill is our friend in need, Pushkin was our baby. Does that make sense?

I feel like eventually I will be able to open my heart like that again to someone else and then we'll get a kitten so we can hear that silly playful galloping around that kittens have. I can't wait for the day that a little bundle of fur jumps on my bed and hunts my fingers and toes. I miss that so desperately that it sometimes takes my breath away. But we took Bill in partially for the reason that the kitten things that we loved so much about our Smooshkin are things we are not ready to have in our lives again just yet. If we had gotten a little one then he would go on to erase memories of Pushkin that are completely tied to those things for us. So we got an older boy instead. Right now I just couldn't face accepting another baby into my heart and loving him or her completely, and it would not be fair to the new little one to get anything but our full devotion.

So for now we wait, we grieve for Pushkin, we talk to him, we write letters to him, we take care of Bill and we know that one day he will be a big loving uncle to our future fury love.

Tonight I will light a candle for Pushies and I will think of all of you and your loved ones. I hope we can all get through our pain eventually. I hope eventually I can go more than a few hours without sobbing. I hope there really is an afterlife and that I will get to meet my Pushie again. I can't say this to my husband because he is not at all religious and he doesn't like hearing things like that, but I really do believe that Pushkin's spirit didn't just evaporate, that he's somewhere in a better place. And I hope he recognizes his mommy when I get there too.

Take care tonight everyone.
Monika.

Monika,
I just love all the little nicknames you had for Pushkin (little smooshie is my favorite ). I know what you mean when you talk about how sad it is to think that your future children will not know your wonderful kitty. My husband said I probably shouldn't have waited as long as I did to let go of Sasha, but I was determined for her to meet my daughter (even though my daughter won't remember, so it is a little crazy). I wanted to know that my daughter had touched her, and that Sasha had the opportunity to see her as well....and to tell you the truth, as crazy as that sounds, even now I feel a sense of peace from that for some reason, so I'm glad I did! One of the fondest memories I have of Sasha in her last days with me is how she would follow me into my daughter's room every couple of hours all through the night (at feeding time) and lay by my feet while I nursed. She was so feeble at that point that she couldn't hardly get up on her own, so I would tell her to stay when I would leave the bedroom, but as obedient as she usually was, she would always manage a way to come behind me anyway....I was always glad she did. God I miss her.
In reading what so many people here have to deal with as far as their peers go, I am so greatful for the wonderful environment I was in at the time. I was a vet tech at the time (now a stay at home mom), so I was obviously surrounded by very understanding and caring people. My family, both immediate and in-laws, are all huge animals lovers and were very sensitive as well, so for that I am greatful. As emotional as I was, I would hate to think of how I may have reacted if someone said something disrespectful about my girl!
Monika, let me also add that I get the sense that you feel the need to defend why you have Bill. You owe no one an explanation. I assure you that no one with half a brain would ever think that you were replacing Smooshie ( every time I say that I grin for some reason ). It is obvious that you loved him very much, and in my opinion, you are a hero for saving Bill. I know that not everyone can get a new baby right away, but those of us that can are honoring our furbabies by showing them that our hearts were forever changed by them in the way we embrace unconditional love. Our babies know that we aren't replacing them. I know, everyone that knows me knows, and most of all Sasha knows, that I will never love another like I loved her, but it isn't a competition. Most animals would just be happy having a warm place to sleep, fresh food and water, and an occasional rub when it is convenient for us. You will see in time that you and Bill did need each other, and I also think that your Smooshie knew that, too. My personal opinion....Bill being in your home is no coincidence....your little Smooshie had his paw in it...and he will continue to always take care of you.........
Kim

i just wanted to add my voice to how sorry i am for your loss. please try to not feel guilty about this terrible accident. that is what is was...no one did anything deliberately to cause harm. years ago, i too allowed my cat out on the balcony when i lived in an apartment. she never even went near the railing. after i read your story, i realized how lucky i was not to have lost her that same way. i also think it is wonderful that Bill "adopted you". i really do think these beautiful companions come into our lives for a reason. i just wanted you to know that your special gentlemen looks identical to my mocha that just passed over. when i saw him it took my breath away. right down to the little "snowpaws". i haven't even been able to take any pictures out to look at her since i had to put her to sleep because right now it is still too painful and i know i would just lose it totally. i don't know if that is terrible of me or not, i just can't help it. that is why it was such a shock when i saw him. i can't write anymore right now as i am crying too hard but i wanted to let you know that you are not alone. it must be so difficult for you to have such a tragedy occur right after relocating. i do believe our babies are always with us and the special love and bond is never broken. my vet (who is so special and loving) sent me a beautiful card and on it it said that mocha hoped i wouldn't grieve too long as she would never have wanted to cause me any pain. that sentiment has helped a lot because i know she would never want to hurt me. i hope it can give you at least a bit of comfort. take care of yourself.

Thank you so much everyone. I can't believe Bill looks like Mocha! That's increadible. I'm sorry that made you sad. I hope it helps even a little that this mocha critter will be spoiled rotten.

Bill is a big silly already. He spent this morning snuggling in bed with us. We are blown away that a cat who has obviously been mistreated and went through some terrible stuff is so trusting. He lets us hold him, squeeze him, give him hugs and he doesn't care. Even after people have not been kind to him his first instinct is still to trust and expect to be loved.

I'm feeling kind of bad right now over being as upset as I am. Last night my husband said he feels like he's losing me to this. I couldn't say that's not true, because I feel like my world has been split into two--life with Smooshie (or Smooshiekins ha ha) and life without him. Life without him seems like nothing but pain.

My husband loved Pushkin, I know he really did a lot, but he's already moving on. He said it only hurts him now when he thinks about Pushkin and so he does his best not to think about him. I can't get to that point yet. I actually wish I was there already. This incredible sense of loss is a horrible thing to carry around and I wish I could just shake it already, that I could "just get over it" like I've had suggested to me by some people (who are obviously not pet owners). But I can't. I feel stuck in a time warp of 15 minutes after he died. It all seems exactly as fresh and painful as right after he fell. This morning I woke up thinking to myself--okay, Pushkin has been gone long enough now, it's time for whoever has him to give him back to me. But of course I know that it's not possible.

Kim,
thank you I think I needed to hear that. I know love is never a competition but changing anything in our lives feels like some sort of betrayal to Pushkin right now. Does that make sense?

I know my husband really wants to move because he can't stand to look at our balcony--we've rearranged the furniture so that now the couch is against the balcony door and no one can get onto it at all. I know for him moving out of here would help to focus on the happy memories of Pushkin and forget the last horrible one.

But I can't yet. I can't give up this place where Pushkin and I spent so much time together. Every day when I got home he was the first thing I saw at the door. He was the last thing I looked at before sleeping--his little house he adored hanging out in was by my side of the bed. Every morning he jumped up on the bed and flopped on me and purred the moment I woke up. This place is full of his smell, memories of him, even his hair! How can I leave it behind? It feels like leaving the place behind will be leaving Pushie behind. I KNOW that's not true, he's gone from here, he's not in any of the neighbours' apartments or out in the garden, or hiding in the hallway. He's not in any of these places I keep wishing he would be.

That just seems so impossibly cruel though, you know?

I think you're right about Pushkin having a paw in us meeting Bill. Bill is like Pushkin in so many ways it's weird. We keep saying to each other that Bill is the kind of cat that we think Pushkin would have grown into--just a laid back loving little dude. I feel that if Pushkin's spirit is somewhere, he must be happy about what we did, he was the type of critter to never want harm to come to anyone. So we take small solace in saving Bill's life in honour of Puskin's life.

But I have to tell you all that when I wake up in the morning and look for where Pushkin should be and he is not there and my heart travels right up to my throat and all I want to do is curl up and cry for my most sweetest baby boy who was the light of my life and my very best friend, it doesn't help much.

Thank you for your wonderful posts. I am really sorry about your kitty. It is so incredibly difficult to lose a super-special pet. My house is full of memories as well. Everywhere we look we are reminded of the many years we lived with Sidney in this house. He loved to rub against corners and every doorway, corner of bookshelves and cabinets has his little rub marks from years of this cute habit. He could not get enough caressing from humans, so he took it upon himself to supplement his pets. Tough to look at now, though.

I hope that the pain eases for you. We will NEVER forget them. That I am sure of.

Derrick