Full Version: It Hurts So Much
i lost my special friend mocha cat three days ago and am really struggling with the pain. everytime i look over to where her kitty condo used to be i start to cry. everytime i go to do laundry and she is not following me i start to cry. i feel so empty inside. am i going crazy?
No you are not going crazy you are just grieving. Perfectly normal, and something we have or currently are all going through. Just let the feelings come-you obviously loved your kitty and of course you are going to miss her presence from your life it's only natural.
I am so sorry you lost her. Come to this site often and share your feelings. Many of us have lost our loved and cherished pets who were important members of our family who lived in our homes, slept in our beds, were cared for and loved as they deserved to be. It's not easy having to say goodbye to someone who a constant in your life. I believe though, that they are still near us.
The love never dies
I am so sorry you lost her. Come to this site often and share your feelings. Many of us have lost our loved and cherished pets who were important members of our family who lived in our homes, slept in our beds, were cared for and loved as they deserved to be. It's not easy having to say goodbye to someone who a constant in your life. I believe though, that they are still near us.
The love never dies
thank you so much for your kindness and taking time to try to help. it just happened so quickly. she was diabetic and i had been giving her her insulin 2x daily for 9 months. she seemed fine in the morning and that evening before her dinner i found her in convulsions. we tried everything to save her and i did manage to bring her out of the seizures and get her to emerg. but apparently there were other problems and we couldn't stop her from continuing to have seizures. i decided to have her euthanized so she wouldn't suffer any more. i feel so guilty. maybe i should have allowed them to run a bunch more tests and potentially operate on her but she was 14 yrs old. i didn't think it was fair but now i feel like maybe there was more i should have done. i miss her so much.
I understand your feelings of guilt. In three hours it will be one week since I had to let my 9 year old kitty Taz go. It was a complete shock as she had never had any medical conditions and seemed fine to me in the morning...just a little fussy with her food and tired. Sometimes the decisions have to be made so quickly that you are only left with self doubt and the roller coaster that grief provides. It may not feel like it at the moment; but you made a very loving choice. You chose to give your beloved pet freedom from her pain both present and future. My vet told me that I could also have tests and surgeries; but it would have been painful for her and she would never have had a good quality of life again (and that was her best outcome diagnosis). I can't tell you when the pain eases. After one week it is still as raw as it was when I last held her. I also cry when I see her kitty condo and worldy treasures. I am still filling her water fountain daily. All I think that we can do is take solace in the fact that we made choices for them and not for us...and I think that is what love is truly about.
i am so sorry you lost your special companion Taz. i also really appreciate your taking time to try to help me cope when your own pain is so intense. your wisdom has been helpful. i thought about what you wrote and came to the realization that i feel "intent" is the key. our intentions were pure and we really do not have anything to feel guilty about. we made our decisions based on pure love and i don't know of anything purer than love. i am going to really try not to &%^yze what happened anymore. i don't know how successful i will be but replaying what happened and what i might have done differently will only cause me pain and self doubt. my veterinarian (who is so wonderful) sent me a beautiful sympathy card and one of the things it said was that mocha didn't want me to grieve too long because she would never want to cause me any pain. i really believe that is true. i don't know if you'll think i am nuts or not but the last couple of nights i could have sworn i heard her meow. my dog "kenya" even snapped her head up and ran to the stairs and barked. i also could have sworn she rubbed against my leg at one point. it might be my imagination, but i believe she is trying to help me through the grieving process and trying to let me know she is still with me. does that make any sense? have you had anything like that happen? anyways, i truly am sorry about what happened with Taz. it must have been such a shock when she had been so healthy up until that point. my prayers are with you. have you heard about the candle lighting ceremony on monday nights to honor our animal companions that have passed over? i am going to light one in mocha's honor and will send a special prayer to you and Taz.
Hi Smitty,
No your not going crazy. I understand how you feel. Today is 3 weeks since I lost my cat Louie. I to thought i was going crazy when it first happened. He was 2 years old, my constant shadow. There wasnt anything I didnt do without him. I took him into the vet to get neutered . I never thought anything would happen to him since he was so young and healthy. But the night before I started to get nervous about leaving him alone. So I blessed him with holy water so God would take care of him and I prayed he wouldnt be scared. I was so protective of him I put a green dot of food coloring on his back paw so in case he got lost he could be found quickly. I came home that day and waited by the phone for the call saying I could pick him up, instead the vet called me to tell me they took him in at 11:30 and 11:36 he went into cardic arrest. From the moment on my life changed. I could hardly believe the cat they brought to me in a little white box was my boy. I went into a state of disbelief for a full week. It took that long for my body to stop shaking. I havent even slept in my own bed since hes been gone, he had to sleep right on me every night and I just cannot get myself to crawl into that bed without him. I still have a hard time even taking a shower because he use to run up the steps ahead of me so he could come into the bathroom and lay on the floor and wait for me. I can tell you the shock wears off and right now Im at the point where I can accept the fact it happened. But I will miss him forever. And there are many times I talk to him outloud as if he were here. I do believe we will see our pets again someday. I dont think its possible for a person to be able to love something so much and be loved back without that pet having a soul.
No your not going crazy. I understand how you feel. Today is 3 weeks since I lost my cat Louie. I to thought i was going crazy when it first happened. He was 2 years old, my constant shadow. There wasnt anything I didnt do without him. I took him into the vet to get neutered . I never thought anything would happen to him since he was so young and healthy. But the night before I started to get nervous about leaving him alone. So I blessed him with holy water so God would take care of him and I prayed he wouldnt be scared. I was so protective of him I put a green dot of food coloring on his back paw so in case he got lost he could be found quickly. I came home that day and waited by the phone for the call saying I could pick him up, instead the vet called me to tell me they took him in at 11:30 and 11:36 he went into cardic arrest. From the moment on my life changed. I could hardly believe the cat they brought to me in a little white box was my boy. I went into a state of disbelief for a full week. It took that long for my body to stop shaking. I havent even slept in my own bed since hes been gone, he had to sleep right on me every night and I just cannot get myself to crawl into that bed without him. I still have a hard time even taking a shower because he use to run up the steps ahead of me so he could come into the bathroom and lay on the floor and wait for me. I can tell you the shock wears off and right now Im at the point where I can accept the fact it happened. But I will miss him forever. And there are many times I talk to him outloud as if he were here. I do believe we will see our pets again someday. I dont think its possible for a person to be able to love something so much and be loved back without that pet having a soul.
Joanna,
Your story sounds a lot like mine. Except my kitty Fig was 6 and he did have a known underlying heart problem. Outwardly though, he was all alive, healthy, exhuberant, and playful. I took him in for a 1-year follow up cardiac ultrasound and the anesthetic stopped his heart. I have been sick with sadness, dizzy with disbelief and confusion.
You said that you can accept that it happened. I just can't seem to get to that point. I oscillate between horror, sadness and anger. There is no peace now that my joy is gone. Fig was my joy. I want to blame someone. This just should NOT have happened. It was not his time. I have blamed myself relentlessly, every day since it happened almost 8 weeks ago. I am mad at the vet and have spent hours and hours researching it on the internet to see if they advised me incorrectly/not prudently. It is making me sick, especially since it is pointless. He is gone, and even to type that makes my head spin with disbelief and horror. I miss him so much. He was my world, my joy. Fig also followed me to the bathroom, every time I went in there. He would jump into the tub and tap his paw on the faucet til I turned the faucet on a drip. Then he would lap up the water. And he was a wonderful snuggler, "spooning" with me in bed, especially on lazy weekend morning when i slept in a little. You sound strong. I am not, and I don't even want to be. I am just being consumed by the grief. This loss is more than I can stand.
I realize that this is not very "supportive" in the spirit of this board- i.e., pet loss support, but I just marvel at how some people seem to be able to put their head in the right place (healing, acceptance). But I seem to be stuck here in this nightmare and in some ways i don't even know if I have the will to get out of it.
Your story sounds a lot like mine. Except my kitty Fig was 6 and he did have a known underlying heart problem. Outwardly though, he was all alive, healthy, exhuberant, and playful. I took him in for a 1-year follow up cardiac ultrasound and the anesthetic stopped his heart. I have been sick with sadness, dizzy with disbelief and confusion.
You said that you can accept that it happened. I just can't seem to get to that point. I oscillate between horror, sadness and anger. There is no peace now that my joy is gone. Fig was my joy. I want to blame someone. This just should NOT have happened. It was not his time. I have blamed myself relentlessly, every day since it happened almost 8 weeks ago. I am mad at the vet and have spent hours and hours researching it on the internet to see if they advised me incorrectly/not prudently. It is making me sick, especially since it is pointless. He is gone, and even to type that makes my head spin with disbelief and horror. I miss him so much. He was my world, my joy. Fig also followed me to the bathroom, every time I went in there. He would jump into the tub and tap his paw on the faucet til I turned the faucet on a drip. Then he would lap up the water. And he was a wonderful snuggler, "spooning" with me in bed, especially on lazy weekend morning when i slept in a little. You sound strong. I am not, and I don't even want to be. I am just being consumed by the grief. This loss is more than I can stand.
I realize that this is not very "supportive" in the spirit of this board- i.e., pet loss support, but I just marvel at how some people seem to be able to put their head in the right place (healing, acceptance). But I seem to be stuck here in this nightmare and in some ways i don't even know if I have the will to get out of it.
Hi all,
I feel so much for all of you knowing what you've gone through. I too lost my boy cat Rocky on Jan 22 and some days I have a hard time getting through the day.
I think some of the things to keep in mind is they are in a better place. We of course wish they were here, but know that they are free of their earthly bondages and will no longer feel pain or suffering. The focus needs to be on their living, not on their dying. Think of the wonderful life you had with them, no matter how short it was.
I'm a firm believer that people/animals/situations happen for a reason. Your babies came into your life for a reason and you have provided them with a loving and nuturing home, which is more than what the majority of animals recieve.
In the end don't let your grief overwhelm you. Try to keep some perspective about what has happened. We do our best to take care of our babies and give them every possible chance at life. There's not much more you can do but relish in the wonderful memories you've made with your loved one and remember how lucky we are to have had them in our lives.
Take care - Chris
I feel so much for all of you knowing what you've gone through. I too lost my boy cat Rocky on Jan 22 and some days I have a hard time getting through the day.
I think some of the things to keep in mind is they are in a better place. We of course wish they were here, but know that they are free of their earthly bondages and will no longer feel pain or suffering. The focus needs to be on their living, not on their dying. Think of the wonderful life you had with them, no matter how short it was.
I'm a firm believer that people/animals/situations happen for a reason. Your babies came into your life for a reason and you have provided them with a loving and nuturing home, which is more than what the majority of animals recieve.
In the end don't let your grief overwhelm you. Try to keep some perspective about what has happened. We do our best to take care of our babies and give them every possible chance at life. There's not much more you can do but relish in the wonderful memories you've made with your loved one and remember how lucky we are to have had them in our lives.
Take care - Chris
hi everyone
i want you all to know how sorry i am that you have lost your beloved companions. i am so touched that so many of you have reached out to me when you also are struggling with so much pain and grief. i am sorry i haven't responded sooner but had to take a break as i was really struggling writing about what happened. it seemed every time i wrote about it i would relive holding mocha while they put her to sleep and all of the emotions that swirl around that memory. i am starting to heal but still feel incredible sadness and grief. i still hear her and that actually comforts me to know she is still with me. i know that there are normal stages to grieving ie disbelief, anger etc. and that it is important to just allow those feelings to surface and then pass. we all do that in our own way and in our own time. that being said it doesn't make it any easier. right now i think i am experiencing a bit of depression over her loss but i know that will pass too. i also believe that our animal companions come into our lives for a reason. mocha went through so much with me. she helped me through incredibly difficult times like my divorce, extreme financial hardship and my son's addiction issues. she was the rudder and one constant in my life when it seemed like all there was was chaos. she was always there to comfort me. i just hope that in some way i was able to comfort her too. at least i knew she was sick with diabetes and may develop complications. what a shock for those of you that had no warning at all. that would just make things so much more difficult to accept. what amazes me is how these incredible and beautiful creatures accept us totally with absolute love, trust and no judgment. what a blessing they are in our lives. i am going to try to hold on to that thought for a while until i get through this next phase of grieving. i am so glad i found this forum. you have all allowed me to have so much more insight into what i am experiencing and feeling right now. i send you all my love and just wish there was something i could do to ease your pain.
i want you all to know how sorry i am that you have lost your beloved companions. i am so touched that so many of you have reached out to me when you also are struggling with so much pain and grief. i am sorry i haven't responded sooner but had to take a break as i was really struggling writing about what happened. it seemed every time i wrote about it i would relive holding mocha while they put her to sleep and all of the emotions that swirl around that memory. i am starting to heal but still feel incredible sadness and grief. i still hear her and that actually comforts me to know she is still with me. i know that there are normal stages to grieving ie disbelief, anger etc. and that it is important to just allow those feelings to surface and then pass. we all do that in our own way and in our own time. that being said it doesn't make it any easier. right now i think i am experiencing a bit of depression over her loss but i know that will pass too. i also believe that our animal companions come into our lives for a reason. mocha went through so much with me. she helped me through incredibly difficult times like my divorce, extreme financial hardship and my son's addiction issues. she was the rudder and one constant in my life when it seemed like all there was was chaos. she was always there to comfort me. i just hope that in some way i was able to comfort her too. at least i knew she was sick with diabetes and may develop complications. what a shock for those of you that had no warning at all. that would just make things so much more difficult to accept. what amazes me is how these incredible and beautiful creatures accept us totally with absolute love, trust and no judgment. what a blessing they are in our lives. i am going to try to hold on to that thought for a while until i get through this next phase of grieving. i am so glad i found this forum. you have all allowed me to have so much more insight into what i am experiencing and feeling right now. i send you all my love and just wish there was something i could do to ease your pain.
Smitty,
I am so sorry you lost your sweet little Baby. It does hurt so badly, but that is why you are feeling your little FurAngel by your side and around your legs. I truly believe that they do come home to try to tell us that they are alright and still hold us in their hearts. I have had many things come as signs since my Simpie Kitty past four weeks ago, and when the signs come that is just about the only time I can think about her without breaking down. Talk to Mocha when you have these feelings. They know and they hear. I am sure it is because they want to help heal our hearts and let us know that we will never really lose each other.
My Prayers are with you.
Cindi
I am so sorry you lost your sweet little Baby. It does hurt so badly, but that is why you are feeling your little FurAngel by your side and around your legs. I truly believe that they do come home to try to tell us that they are alright and still hold us in their hearts. I have had many things come as signs since my Simpie Kitty past four weeks ago, and when the signs come that is just about the only time I can think about her without breaking down. Talk to Mocha when you have these feelings. They know and they hear. I am sure it is because they want to help heal our hearts and let us know that we will never really lose each other.
My Prayers are with you.
Cindi
It's been three days for me as well. What a rollercoaster. Seems like there are moments during the day when I can forget the grief for 5 minutes, I'm so grateful for them because the rest of the time seems like a living nightmare. I don't even grieve for my loss, I grieve because my baby boy was hurt and is dead and I can't fix it for him and I so wish I could.
I think because our Pushkin died in an accident the shock of something so completely unexpected has really knocked me off my feet. I remember just last week thinking about what Pushkin would be like with our children, my husband and I just recently got married and don't have any yet but would like to. I thought about how good I was sure Pushkin would be with them and the steps we'd take to make sure he wouldn't feel less loved when they arrived.
Now everything seems impossibly empty.
Smitty I just wanted to let you know that how wonderfully brave I think you were to do this, along with everyone else who is on this board who had to make that terrible decision. I think what Taz's Mom said is a great point--you made a choice that was the right one for your furry baby and not for you who is now left with this grief. Maybe you could have dragged out their little lives for a few days or weeks more, maybe the guilt over putting them down wouldn't be there but you would have had to trade that in for the knowledge that your loved one suffered for the last days of their life. It is a terrible position to be in but you made the right choice and you made it out of love for your little friend.
Thinking about all of you and your loved little ones.
monika
I think because our Pushkin died in an accident the shock of something so completely unexpected has really knocked me off my feet. I remember just last week thinking about what Pushkin would be like with our children, my husband and I just recently got married and don't have any yet but would like to. I thought about how good I was sure Pushkin would be with them and the steps we'd take to make sure he wouldn't feel less loved when they arrived.
Now everything seems impossibly empty.
Smitty I just wanted to let you know that how wonderfully brave I think you were to do this, along with everyone else who is on this board who had to make that terrible decision. I think what Taz's Mom said is a great point--you made a choice that was the right one for your furry baby and not for you who is now left with this grief. Maybe you could have dragged out their little lives for a few days or weeks more, maybe the guilt over putting them down wouldn't be there but you would have had to trade that in for the knowledge that your loved one suffered for the last days of their life. It is a terrible position to be in but you made the right choice and you made it out of love for your little friend.
Thinking about all of you and your loved little ones.
monika
hi monika
thank you so much for taking some time to try to ease my pain when i know how grief-striken you are over your little one. it does help so much to know that there are people out that understand how i feel. i am just now starting to go out to do grocery shopping and the normal things in life. i actually cocooned myself for a bit and didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. perhaps not the healthiest way to deal with my grief but it was how i felt. tonight at 3:30 am (actually i guess technically that is tomorrow morning) it will be 2 weeks since i had to put my little companion to sleep. i still haven't been able to look at any pictures of her etc. because i knew i would lose it totally and my husband hasn't understood my heartbreak at all. he felt bad but doesn't allow himself to get as attached to pets the way we all do. i think i will go through pictures today and post one. you won't believe how much mocha looks like bill. it is amazing. when i saw bill, it was almost like mocha was sending me a message from the other side. i think i am beginning to grasp at straws.
take care everyone. you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
sandra
thank you so much for taking some time to try to ease my pain when i know how grief-striken you are over your little one. it does help so much to know that there are people out that understand how i feel. i am just now starting to go out to do grocery shopping and the normal things in life. i actually cocooned myself for a bit and didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. perhaps not the healthiest way to deal with my grief but it was how i felt. tonight at 3:30 am (actually i guess technically that is tomorrow morning) it will be 2 weeks since i had to put my little companion to sleep. i still haven't been able to look at any pictures of her etc. because i knew i would lose it totally and my husband hasn't understood my heartbreak at all. he felt bad but doesn't allow himself to get as attached to pets the way we all do. i think i will go through pictures today and post one. you won't believe how much mocha looks like bill. it is amazing. when i saw bill, it was almost like mocha was sending me a message from the other side. i think i am beginning to grasp at straws.
take care everyone. you are all in my thoughts and prayers. sandra
hi smitty,
i am checking to see how you doing? as i read your story and the messages from others, it just seems that there are so much similarities on the emotions that we go through after losing our precious ones. you were such a good parent to mocha. you took good care of him. its not easy giving insulin twice a day for 9 months. your love for him is obvious and please do not doubt yourself on whether you did the right thing or not. remember that..." a decision made out of love cannot be wrong."
i am checking to see how you doing? as i read your story and the messages from others, it just seems that there are so much similarities on the emotions that we go through after losing our precious ones. you were such a good parent to mocha. you took good care of him. its not easy giving insulin twice a day for 9 months. your love for him is obvious and please do not doubt yourself on whether you did the right thing or not. remember that..." a decision made out of love cannot be wrong."
It's been 10 months here since we euthanized Daddy Cat and it still hurts at times. It does get slowly easier to bear with time. Knowing that you looked after his welfare should help to ease the feeling of loss. Take care and give yourself time to grieve.
It's been a week...shattered...heartsore...loss does not seem to cover the void...faithful little friend...how I miss her.
hi everyone
thank you so much for taking the time to try to help me heal. i am so sorry you lost your special animal companions. i agree that words just can't seem to describe the emptiness we feel when our little ones pass over. even emptiness can't encompass the swirling sea of emotions that engulf us. i know that at times the emptiness and void seemed like it was overwhelming and then anger or sadness or guilt etc would well up and it was all i could do to control it. i seem to seesaw between feeling like i am healing and then falling back again. i still haven't been able to go downstairs and clean since mocha died. she loved it down there and had all kinds of cool places she would hide. anyways, every time i have gone down there to start, i see a paw print or a toy and just can't seem to get past that. it is like i don't want to clean the paw print because that's all i have left of her.
i know that isn't true but it seems like it to me. sometimes i think i must be really crazy. tomorrow i am going to try again. i can't tell anyone else about these types of things because they'll think i am just being silly. thank goodness for all of you. you all understand how even little things can be such a struggle. anyways, my heart and love are with each of you as you journey through your grief. thank you so much for being there for me.
sandra
thank you so much for taking the time to try to help me heal. i am so sorry you lost your special animal companions. i agree that words just can't seem to describe the emptiness we feel when our little ones pass over. even emptiness can't encompass the swirling sea of emotions that engulf us. i know that at times the emptiness and void seemed like it was overwhelming and then anger or sadness or guilt etc would well up and it was all i could do to control it. i seem to seesaw between feeling like i am healing and then falling back again. i still haven't been able to go downstairs and clean since mocha died. she loved it down there and had all kinds of cool places she would hide. anyways, every time i have gone down there to start, i see a paw print or a toy and just can't seem to get past that. it is like i don't want to clean the paw print because that's all i have left of her.
i know that isn't true but it seems like it to me. sometimes i think i must be really crazy. tomorrow i am going to try again. i can't tell anyone else about these types of things because they'll think i am just being silly. thank goodness for all of you. you all understand how even little things can be such a struggle. anyways, my heart and love are with each of you as you journey through your grief. thank you so much for being there for me.sandra
You aren't crazy at all..you just deeply love your baby and miss her terribly. I promise you that everyone here ( even if they haven't openly admitted it) have done the same exact thing in one sense or the other. Okay...you guys make me admit to a lot more than I care to, but for your sake, I must tell you...my husband wants to replace our carpet with hardwood floors but I just can't bring myself to do it...the reason why...shortly before we lost Sasha, she had an upset tummy (unrelated to her death) and puked in the corner of our office. Despite all my efforts, I could never get that stain out. Now I can't stand to let it go! If your crazy, than I'm a total nutjob! At least you are clinging to a precious little pawprint...I can't part with puke stains 
!!! (I hope that made you at least crack a brief smile 
!) I was exactly the same as you when Sasha first died. I think I posted somewhere else on here about how after I would vacuum, I couldn't stand to throw her hair away, so I would empty the canister out on the garage floor and pick them all out! I think it is only normal to hold on to anything we can...grasping at any connection to them that we can find. In time you will find that easier to deal with, and in the mean time, if you don't want to clean up that area, don't! It won't hurt anyone for it to sit for awhile. Spend some time in there, even if it brings you tears, as they will be healing tears. Visit with all the memories that the room holds for you. Touch the pawprints and connect yourself to your baby....maybe you'll feel your baby close to you and feel comforted by it 
.
Your friend in grief,
Kim
!!! (I hope that made you at least crack a brief smile !) I was exactly the same as you when Sasha first died. I think I posted somewhere else on here about how after I would vacuum, I couldn't stand to throw her hair away, so I would empty the canister out on the garage floor and pick them all out! I think it is only normal to hold on to anything we can...grasping at any connection to them that we can find. In time you will find that easier to deal with, and in the mean time, if you don't want to clean up that area, don't! It won't hurt anyone for it to sit for awhile. Spend some time in there, even if it brings you tears, as they will be healing tears. Visit with all the memories that the room holds for you. Touch the pawprints and connect yourself to your baby....maybe you'll feel your baby close to you and feel comforted by it .Your friend in grief,
Kim
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