ScottE
Mar 7 2006, 03:27 AM
Teary eyed update…
Murphy’s biopsy on his spleen did reveal that it was Hemangiosarcoma. Took everyone’s advice and spent quality time with Smurf over the past month. Took him everywhere (even to work), and spoiled him rotten. Being a former Guide Dog raiser, I even used my “Accompanied by Canine” badge to get him into my highly secure Govt. Facility.
Unfortunately, today was the day Murphy suc%%bed to the dreaded HSA beast. An ultrasound revealed dozens of tumors which were bleeding and attacking his vital organs. Because nothing further could have been done by the specialists, I had to make the most difficult decision any pet owner has to make.
Just as quickly as I learned about this deadly cancer, now I need to learn how to cope/deal/adjust to my loss and the entire grieving process. I’m in the blaming phase right now. Though I’m a scientist who thinks logically, I just can’t stop blaming myself for what has happened. For some reason, I can’t stop apologizing to my friend Smurf for what has happened. Yes, pets are like children that never grow out of the dependency stage. For that reason, I feel like I’ve let him down even though logically he was gravely sick.
In any event, I’m rambling, simply trying to stumble through this grieving journey.
-Scott (& Smurf 3/31/06)
=========================
Previous post of March 7th below:
Less than one week ago, I noticed something not right with my 7 yo dog, Murphy. After a midnight visit to the ER, a series of X-rays and ultrasound revealed Smurf had a tumor rupture on/in his spleen. Surely, we'll just surgically remove the tumor/spleen and in a couple weeks hell be back to his happy go lucky self. Boy, how wrong could I be!!! Instead, I’m left trying to get a grip on the emotional roller-coaster that not only has occurred but will occur over the next few days/weeks.
Going into the surgery, my Vet talked to me about the high probability (80%) that the tumor would be Hemangiosarcoma; a malignant tumor of blood vessel cells. Though Smurf made it through the splenectomy surgery okay, I kept him at the Hospital for another 48-hours. Good thing since he became anemic and needed a blood transfusion the day after surgery. His heart also became arrhythmic and he was prescribed med's for that.
In the mean time, I was obsessed (and I mean obsessed) in finding as much information about this “silent killer” as I could on the Internet. The bottom line is that the survival time with surgery alone is 19-65 days and double that with chemotherapy.
Being today was the day the biopsy results were expected back, I continually made calls to my answering machine at home for any messages. Finally, a message from my Vet was on it confirming my worst nightmare; Hemangiosarcoma.
So here I am (as I watch my friend resting peacefully on my bed), trying to fathom his upcoming deterioration and at which point I'll have to make that final decision. He's still eating, drinking and pooping but noticeable weaker. I just can't leave him home alone so I'll take him to work and leave him in my friends garage across the street from work (since I work in a secure facility) and check up on him every couple of hours. You really thinking I'm actually gonna work? No!!! But I have a couple important all day meetings that's needed for the project I'm working on. Collegaues are aware of the situtation but have no idea how supportive they'll be.
Well enough said already. I just needed to put my thoughts down in an attempt to help start the grieving/guilt process.
Time for Smurf to have a Frosty-Paws ice cream; something he loves.
Fighting the tears,
-Scott
Phinny1
Mar 7 2006, 09:43 AM
Oh Scott, so sorry to read about your situation. I just want you to know you're not alone in trying to deal with this so please come here often to vent/talk/cry/whatever.
Please don't feel guilty. You've done everything you can to help Murphy through this and you'll continue to do so. I know you'll do the right thing for him so continue to give him love and support and give him his favorite treat! Try not to concentrate on what's to come, think about all of the wonderful memories you've made with him. Think of all of the good times and love he's given you. We tend to obsess about the dying but forget to take into account all the living that's been done.
Anyway keep us posted and you're in my prayers.
Chris
invisibleclotho
Mar 7 2006, 11:54 AM
I'm sorry. That sounds all too familiar. Mine started with xrays and an ultrasound to confirm a mass on the spleen and turned up one in the bladder too, which was followed by surgery that removed the spleen and part of the bladder tumor. I went from what seemed to be a perfectly healthy dog, to surprise she may have a mass on her spleen, to there's more than one mass, to 6 mos. to a year before the bladder cancer would take her, to her dying from what was most likely a bleeding tumor that had metasticized from the (then non-existent) spleen (I was warned that it may be malignant, even though the samples were benign) in the space of a month. I was shocked by how quickly tumors from the spleen can appear, grow, and take a life.
Since I did have some time to prepare, even though it was only a week from 'recovery' from the surgery until she died, I decided to start making sure I did everything I could to capitalize on the time left: got her a cheeseburger (in general she wasn't allowed 'junk' human food), cooked her a steak (vegetarian that I am-- knew she needed to come ahead of my preferences), took advantage of a gorgeous Jan. day to take her to the dog park.... I wanted to make sure that when she was gone I didn't look back and say "I wish I had...." For me, it's helped a lot.
I know it's hard to focus on now and not what's going to come (I spent about the first week after it was confirmed that she had abdominal masses crying every time I looked at her because I kept thinking "she's dying"), but if he still has the energy and there's anything you want to make sure you do with or for him, try to do it-- I feel bad for the people who don't get even a day or two to prepare and try to get in what they want.
Sorry, I don't mean to preach, or try to make this about my story-- I just feel at a loss to do anything other than say that I've been on the rollercoaster too, I can relate, and this is what helped me. And, as I noted elsewhere, I also understand how hard it is to go through this, and all the ups and downs, without having another person physically present. I feel helpless to offer anything that will help. I hope you find some way to make as much peace as you can with whatever time the two of you have.
ScottE
Mar 8 2006, 11:13 PM
Thanks Megan for sharing your experience regarding your little girl Sadie. As a result, a hotdog and fries was shared with my friend Murphy today at lunch. After which, a “very” short walk in the park was enjoyed by both of us.
His hind quarters appear weak and he would rather lie down than stand up (different story at the park where nothing seemed to stop him). Other than weakness and the color of his gums, I’m not sure what other signs of deterioration I should be looking for. Even his normal doggie dreams wake me instantly thinking he’s in cardiac arrest. Any thoughts on signs I should be looking for?
This waiting game sucks!!! Moreover, when I try talking w/ friends, I simply can’t hold it together. Seems easier sharing my feelings via this forum where my emotional state doesn't get in the way.
I made a conscious decision not to inform my parents (who adore him) until after the fact. However, my vet and I had a communication problem where he couldn’t get a hold of me and ended up calling the listed emergency number; my parents. So I had to spend an emotional phone conversation w/ them this evening.
On a similar note, Murphy use to live w/ a family in Colorado at a high elevation. Murphy had an eye disorder (pannis) where UV light caused irritation to his eyes. So they relocated Murphy to his parents who lived along the coast in CA. Though his eye problem cleared up, his elderly parents couldn’t take care of such a big dog. A long story short, I adopted Murphy from them almost 6 years ago but they’ve become Murphy’s God parents, sitting for him and sending him Xmas presents each year. I was also thinking of NOT informing them until after the fact. I’m starting to second guess my decision just in case they may like to see him before his passing. I just assumed it would be best if they remember him as a healthy dog. Am I being realistic or just trying to control the situation?
Thanks for listening,
-Scott
invisibleclotho
Mar 9 2006, 12:32 PM
I can't imagine what it must be like to endure the waiting right now. My case was a bit different-- the medication she was on in the hopes of retarding the bladder tumor has a tendency to cause GI bleeding. So when Sadie started to defecate and vomit blood Sun., I thought, uh-oh, reaction to the med (she was still eating, drinking, and playing, so I wasn't too concerned). Called the hospital who hunted down the vet, who agreed that's what the problem was and said she'd write out an rx the next day for something to protect the GI tract and stop the bleeding. The next morning she was a different dog. She could barely stand, and she didn't want to walk at all. By the time I got her to the vet's and they did the blood test for anemia she was at 17 (35-55 is normal; you hit 13-15 and a transfusion is the only hope to keep the animal alive). She never came home. The point of this is that I don't know what all you should be on the lookout for. In Sadie's case her entire body went pale-- gums, pads of her feet, even her stomach-- she wobbled when she tried to walk; she didn't have any energy at all; but it hit so fast, and she was in the hospital the last two days, that I don't know if there are any other warning signs. Maybe someone else does? Although, and I hate saying it, when I asked if Sadie would have a hard death if I brought her home to let her die there (she HATED the vet's and I didn't want it to be the last place she saw), I was told that 'mother nature isn't kind,' and that if she bled out there could well be things like seizures at the end. I couldn't handle asking for more details.
As for telling other people, I think that's something only you can know what's right to do about. I let people know what was going on until Tue. night/ Wed. morning when I was out of options and I knew I had to put her to sleep. When I got home I called a friend who has a dog of her own to ask if she wanted anything (not what she was expecting to get a call about) because I knew I had to start getting rid of some things, and then I basically sent out a mass email to everyone else who I knew would want to know. My parents don't have grandchildren at this point, so they kind of looked at Sadie as a 'grandpup,' and it was helpful to have their support, along with that of concerned friends. But, I also needed that morning to be private and not tell people until after it was over-- it was between me and Sadie.
The best thing I can say goes back to thinking about if there's anything you want to make sure you aren't going to regret later. I know there were things that I did differently at the time (specific examples escape me at the moment) than I wanted to because I knew I'd feel differently looking back at it. I guess I would say that it's considerate of you to be concerned about other people perhaps wanting the chance to say good-bye, but ultimately needing to do what you think is best for you and Murphy (be that allowing others the chance to say good-bye, or deciding to wait until it's over before telling them).
None of which is to say that there won't be second guessing and guilt and all the rest (I could write a book sized list), just that if there are things you can do now to make the situation the least miserable possible, you'll probably thank yourself later (horrible as the waiting and watching is, it does afford that window of time, and there are a lot of people who don't get that)-- and if Murphy is getting hotdogs and fries out of it, I'm sure he's thanking you now

.
Megan
cindi
Mar 9 2006, 06:12 PM
ScottE:
I am so sorry to hear about your Murphy. This is a very hard time for you, but very special in your course of time together. I lost my little girl Simple a little over two weeks ago, but was lucky to have her for 18 wonderful years. In October my Vet told me that she had only a matter of days, or maybe weeks to live, she had a number of health problems she had been battling for about four years. At that time I decided to go with me heart and treat her to the type of care she deserved at home. I learned to just enjoy our time together and let God take care of the rest. I am glad I did, because it allowed me time to spoil her even more than she already was and enjoy every moment we had left together. It truly was a wonderous experience. In the end it doesn't make the hurt any less, but it does give you a feeling of completeness, knowing that you gave all the love and caring you Baby so deserved. Also on the days that aren't so good, I think it gives you a little insight into the fact that our little Loved Ones do go on from here when they pass, and do find a haven where they wait for us to come and get them someday. In the meantime, know that you always have a place here to come when the going gets tough, and try to enjoy the time you and Murphy have together on this earth, so you can always hold that in your heart when you have to be seperated for awhile.
A Friend in Grief,
Cindi
SJ J & S
Mar 10 2006, 07:34 AM
Hi Scott,
Its hard to make decisions at this time I know, but I would go with telling them, or writing to them, and let them make the decision for themselves.
I looked after Jude for months before we finally helped her to sleep and I think the way to cope is not worry about when you will have to make any decisions, when a decision needs to be made that is the time to think about it, not now.
Now is the time to enjoy every possible minute and to show all the love your heart can give, that to me is what life is all about learning to love unconditionally, and to go to the next world knowing you succeeded to help someone on this earth feel that love – well!
Don’t let others tell you what to do either, thank them for their concern but all decisions are yours and yours alone, I know they are only trying to help but they don’t love Murphy enough to make any decision.
And don’t worry about having to make any decisions yourself either, your heart will let you know when and if and what to do.
Love Sue
samhaincat
Mar 11 2006, 10:08 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation with my cat in 2003. He was my buddy and I still miss him terribly. He had an inoperable tumour in June and thought I tried everything I could I had to put him to sleep on August 20th. I knew in my gut it was hopeless but I spoiled him rotten during those two months-even more than usual. He got all his favourite foods-as much as he wanted, I would lay outside with him by the pond and watch the goldfish. I am so glad I spend as much time as I could with him - I am so grateful for it.
The end was very very hard but I have wonderful memories almost right to the end.
You are doing everything you can. I would let the elderly couple that had him know. They might want the choice to have one last happy memory with him.
I wish you both lots of fun and happy loving memorable moments because that is what it is all about.
samhaincat
Mar 11 2006, 10:09 PM
Oh and I forgot to say what a gorgeous dog! I love his face!
Birdiemom
Mar 12 2006, 04:12 PM
Hi Scott,
You are so right about thet waiting game, it sucks, but in sme ways it is a gift, time to spoil your best friend. So people here have gone in to get something checked that didn't seem right and not had any time.
I lost my little Misty at 14 years old. She was senior dog rescue who came with problems and I Only got 2 and half years with her. My vet put her on Heart meds last spring with the warning they normally don't last long after that. She made it to the end of January and colapsed one night during a coughing fit. She recovered okay so I waiting til morning to take her to her regular vet. She said she had days, maybe a few weeks to live. I was in shock... it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. They put her on a host of medications to help keep her comfortable, and gently explained the signs that things were getting worse. Misty sat there cuddled into me, like normal at the vets. She had bad days and she had good days, days when I was convinced se would live forever, and days I wondered if it was fair to keep going. She seemed to think it was. I gave her her meds wrapped in Turkey bacon, after all at this point the damage had been done, nothing was going to make it worse. I made a point on having icecream and all her favorites... and coddling her a whole lot more than normal. I couldn't fix it, but she new she was loved and spoiled rotten. We got an extra 20 days together, when Her eyes said it was time. It was very hard for me knowing the end was coming, but her antics on good days still make me laugh. This is the time to find the good and hold on to those memories. Enjoy this time Scott, for your dog, enjoy each day.
ScottE
Apr 1 2006, 01:51 AM
Modified original post to include an update
Tillie
Apr 1 2006, 07:14 AM
Scott
I come here and read I don't always post cause well some days I just can't cause I am still working through my own grief but I have been watching for your posts and wondering how it all was and am sad to see that you have lost Murphy. I know right now the pain is unbearable and I am very sorry. Please stick around and read even if you don't feel like posting. I find alot of comfort in others responses to those who are hurting. Please take care.
Tillies mom
invisibleclotho
Apr 1 2006, 09:21 AM
Scott,
Like Tillie, I'd been watching and waiting for an update from you. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you managed to get in a lot of quality time with Murphy before the end. We're all here if you need us.
Megan
QorquisDad
Apr 3 2006, 05:33 PM
Hey Scott,
One thing I've learned in the thirteen months Qorqui has been gone is that what you know and what you feel in re: the loss of your best friend are mutually exclusive.
You can know that you've done everything possible to keep Murphy healthy and even gone way above and beyond what anyone else would have, yet still feel like you murdered your best friend.
Sadly, the only way I know to get through this is time. (Well, time and a good support network.) You will feel all kinds of things that don't make any logical sense. You will know that there's no reason to feel this way, yet you will feel it anyway. If you're at all like me, you'll even dream up new impossible ways to blame yourself.
Try not to beat yourself up too badly. Stop by here and unload whenever you feel the need. Without the support of the folks here at LS there's no way I'd have managed to understand or deal with all the strange and intense feelings that come with a loss like this.
Remember, Murph had a good life with you. He has no regrets or unfulfilled desires. He was always just happy to be with his bestest buddy. That's something you have a right to be proud of.
Take care,
Tim
Daisy's Mommy
Apr 3 2006, 09:14 PM
Scott,
Although it is clear you did everything that could be done, I understand your guilt. My little yorkshire passed away Saturday morning in my arms at the Vet. She was in complete seizures, crying out and all treatment had failed. Despite this, I feel horrible guilt. I feel guilty not only about her death, but about everything - not giving her an extra treat one day, cutting a walk short, just anything.
In some ways, I think that it is less painful to focus on the guilt than on the loss. I can bear the guilt, but I cannot bear the thought that I will never see my best friend, my little baby, here on earth again.
Daisy's Mommy
(Anne)
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