It's been a little over a month now, and I still can't say my baby's name without breaking down. I keep waiting for her to appear and jump in my lap or snuggle in bed with me. I'm not dealing very well with this.
Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind with this grief and emptiness I feel.
I no longer am speaking with my best friend or over 20 years, because of some extremely insensitive things that she said, I just cannot forgive her.
Does anyone know when this feeling of slowly dying inside will go away?
Full Version: I'm Not Dealing...
You're not alone! At 5:30 tonight, it will have been 4 weeks since I unexpectedly lost my dog to cardiac arrest following a routine surgery. While some days I can go about my business and even speak about her without breaking down, other days I am just unnaturally sad and on the verge of tears. Today is one of those days. I can tell you, though, that it gets better. In addition to my baby, my family lost 6 cats since last summer. While I wasn't as close to any of them as I was with my puppy, I watched my mother and father grieve for weeks following the death of their best friends. It happens gradually, but there will come a time when you can recall them without breaking down. The grieving process is definitely different for everybody--I suggest a lot of prayer to help you gain strength. It's so much nicer to recall them with laughter and smiles than with tears. When I start to cry, I always remember that Abby (my dog) hated to see me upset and sad, and the last thing she would want is to be the cause of that sadness.
I would like to reply to both you and the other person who responded, because it is clear you are both hurting quite a bit.
The pain does get easier to deal with, but because it is generated by love, it never really ends. It becomes manageable. But sometimes that takes a very long time. Myself, I am a big, strong, black-belt, used to tag alligators in the state of Florida type guy and it took me 2 solid years before I could stop dropping tears when I thought about my two girls who went on ahed. I actually drew on a lesson I learned as a youth from various girlfriends...when we broke up, that is exactly how I felt - "broke up" - but they did not. When I asked how they handled the pain, they simply said they thought about other things and never let themselves focus on the hurt. Wow - that was some lesson.
That is how I made it through all the many, many days of hurt - as soon as I started to dwell on the pain and my loss, I would force myself to think of something else - it was hard, but I finally got good at it. Oh of course I still broke down, but for times like when I was at work or at church, I could subdue those thoughts and replace them with others - I went on fishing trips and hikes in my mind and just entertained myself.
Eventually, it all became manageable. I no longer had to force thoughts, but could frame the pain. And because of my work and books, which I developed during my pain, I was able to rest on the solid evidence that animals do indeed have souls (the actual rendering of the way the word is used in scripture is "essence") and that that essence lives on. This greatly comforted me. Hopefully, my experiences can help you to avoid the pain.
Then there is something else I want to say - and I guess I have gone from helping to medling - so please forgive me. But it is your best friend. Oh my goodness, 20 years of friendship down the drain just because she was insensitive? Please reconsider. So often I receive e-mail from readers who have been subjected to the insensitivity of friends and family. My advice is always the same. Friends and loved ones often do not know how to react to our pain. We cannot expect everyone to love animals as we do - some of them just cannot see the reason for our pain because they have missed the boat on the love an animal can give.
Often they will say something funny because they just don't know how to act, and seeing that this failed, they will try to say other dumb things that they think should help. This makes them very uncomfortable and they often say more dumb and insensitive things in order to cover up the previous dumb thing. I have found that almost always, almost without fail, they never mean to be calloused or cruel - they just are at a loss of how to act.
Please reconsider. Don't blame your friend for coming across as insensitive. I doubt that 20 years of loving you would result in her doing something mean on purpose. She just goofed. Give her that. Call her. Make amends. Tell her how she hurt you and give her the chance to make it right. Don't lose two good friends at the same time.
You may e-mail me at gkurz007@aol.com
The pain does get easier to deal with, but because it is generated by love, it never really ends. It becomes manageable. But sometimes that takes a very long time. Myself, I am a big, strong, black-belt, used to tag alligators in the state of Florida type guy and it took me 2 solid years before I could stop dropping tears when I thought about my two girls who went on ahed. I actually drew on a lesson I learned as a youth from various girlfriends...when we broke up, that is exactly how I felt - "broke up" - but they did not. When I asked how they handled the pain, they simply said they thought about other things and never let themselves focus on the hurt. Wow - that was some lesson.
That is how I made it through all the many, many days of hurt - as soon as I started to dwell on the pain and my loss, I would force myself to think of something else - it was hard, but I finally got good at it. Oh of course I still broke down, but for times like when I was at work or at church, I could subdue those thoughts and replace them with others - I went on fishing trips and hikes in my mind and just entertained myself.
Eventually, it all became manageable. I no longer had to force thoughts, but could frame the pain. And because of my work and books, which I developed during my pain, I was able to rest on the solid evidence that animals do indeed have souls (the actual rendering of the way the word is used in scripture is "essence") and that that essence lives on. This greatly comforted me. Hopefully, my experiences can help you to avoid the pain.
Then there is something else I want to say - and I guess I have gone from helping to medling - so please forgive me. But it is your best friend. Oh my goodness, 20 years of friendship down the drain just because she was insensitive? Please reconsider. So often I receive e-mail from readers who have been subjected to the insensitivity of friends and family. My advice is always the same. Friends and loved ones often do not know how to react to our pain. We cannot expect everyone to love animals as we do - some of them just cannot see the reason for our pain because they have missed the boat on the love an animal can give.
Often they will say something funny because they just don't know how to act, and seeing that this failed, they will try to say other dumb things that they think should help. This makes them very uncomfortable and they often say more dumb and insensitive things in order to cover up the previous dumb thing. I have found that almost always, almost without fail, they never mean to be calloused or cruel - they just are at a loss of how to act.
Please reconsider. Don't blame your friend for coming across as insensitive. I doubt that 20 years of loving you would result in her doing something mean on purpose. She just goofed. Give her that. Call her. Make amends. Tell her how she hurt you and give her the chance to make it right. Don't lose two good friends at the same time.
You may e-mail me at gkurz007@aol.com
You certainly are not alone in your feelings. It's so hard. And, like your friend, not everyone understands. Coming here and expressing your feelings may help - I know it has me.
It will be 2 weeks on Thurs that I had to put down my dog Kasey, who was only 7 1/2 - he became sick and 24 hours later I had to make the heartbreaking decesion to put him down. Even thinking about it makes me sad. I thought I was doing better, but the past couple days if I have any down time, I cry. Coming here helps me, knowing there are others who unfortunately, are experiencing the same thing. I have a good friend who was kind enough to give me words on encouragement and it made a world of difference. Maybe give your friend another chance, tell them how it hurt and they may surprise you.
Give yourself time. Grief is different for everyone. If it starts to take over your life, then maybe it is time to seek professional help. But give yourself a break here. A loved one is gone and can not be replaced.
It will be 2 weeks on Thurs that I had to put down my dog Kasey, who was only 7 1/2 - he became sick and 24 hours later I had to make the heartbreaking decesion to put him down. Even thinking about it makes me sad. I thought I was doing better, but the past couple days if I have any down time, I cry. Coming here helps me, knowing there are others who unfortunately, are experiencing the same thing. I have a good friend who was kind enough to give me words on encouragement and it made a world of difference. Maybe give your friend another chance, tell them how it hurt and they may surprise you.
Give yourself time. Grief is different for everyone. If it starts to take over your life, then maybe it is time to seek professional help. But give yourself a break here. A loved one is gone and can not be replaced.
QUOTE
Does anyone know when this feeling of slowly dying inside will go away?
you have a few months yet im afraid but it will help if you make amends with your friend, assuming your argument is about your loss.
Write her a letter saying that although she doesnt understand the deep sence of loss you are feeling could she not just acknowledge that you are hurting and need her support.
I know its a hard time and it makes it more difficult becasue our friends and family dont understand, but we have to be the bigger person and pity them that have not and probably will not ever know what its like to love so deeply.
Please be patient with yourself you are grieving and it will take as long as it takes but you will get through this.
Love Sue
There is no forgiving what Leah (my friend) said. I don't expect alot of people to understand the loss of a furry companion, but as my best friend of 22 years, she should have understood ME. I don't think that's too much to ask.
She's also the type of person, that if I returned her calls and explained that I was hurt and angry at her she would just defend what she said, as she is the type of person who never apologizes and thinks that she is always right.
She doesn't even know that my baby is gone, or why I haven't spoken to her in over a month. And it can stay that way. When I told my husband and family what she said they all cried! Perfect strangers have even been more understanding and supportive that her, and she (out of everyone) knew how close my baby and I were. I cannot forgive her. A friend is supposed to be there for you, support you or lend a shoulder to cry on, she couldn't do this so why should I bother?
She's also the type of person, that if I returned her calls and explained that I was hurt and angry at her she would just defend what she said, as she is the type of person who never apologizes and thinks that she is always right.
She doesn't even know that my baby is gone, or why I haven't spoken to her in over a month. And it can stay that way. When I told my husband and family what she said they all cried! Perfect strangers have even been more understanding and supportive that her, and she (out of everyone) knew how close my baby and I were. I cannot forgive her. A friend is supposed to be there for you, support you or lend a shoulder to cry on, she couldn't do this so why should I bother?
I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain that you are going through. I've lost 2 cats within the past year, so I know the feeling of slowly dying inside. My worst pain came with the death of my 20-year old cat Pavlov last March. He had been with me for 18 1/2 years. I called him my "soul mate pet", because he seemed to live to take care of me. Pavlov saw me through countless relationships, jobs, and moves. He was in my life for 3 times longer than my longest romantic relationship (6 years). When he died last March, I wanted to die too. I spent alot of time crying. At first, I would cry on my way home from work, sometimes daily, because I knew Pavlov would not be there when I got home. As time passed, I cried mostly on Friday evenings, because Pavlov had been euthanized on a Friday. Of course, sometimes I cried spontaneously. But, over time, the pain did ease. The worst pain started to ease, after about 5 or 6 months. I was still in pain and missed Pavlov, but I got to a point where I told myself I had to start trying to focus on the future. I told myself that I would always love Pavlov and would never forget him, but I couldn't keep living in the past. I felt some guilt about this at first, because I felt like I was forgetting Pavlov. But, I wasn't. I was simply assimilating the loss into my life, and starting to move forward. Everyone's grief and their timetable to heal is different, but trust me, you will heal over time.
As to your friend's reaction, I understand completely how you are feeling. I have experienced the same lack of empathy from certain important people in my life. Although your friend may not be able to identify with your specific source of pain, I agree that she should be able to empathize with, and comfort you, as your friend. I think you need to honor the feelings that you have about her and the relationship, and do what you feel is best for you, at this time. Based on what you have said, it doesn't sound as if she has been a very supportive friend in the past. Sometimes a tragedy like the loss of a pet forces us to look at our relationships more closely, and to decide whether they are worth keeping. Either you can accept your friend's limitations, or you can decide that she is incapable of providing you with what you need in a friendship and move on. You might decide to make that decision now or later. But, whatever you choose, it is up to you to decide what's best for you.
Take care of yourself and God Bless.
As to your friend's reaction, I understand completely how you are feeling. I have experienced the same lack of empathy from certain important people in my life. Although your friend may not be able to identify with your specific source of pain, I agree that she should be able to empathize with, and comfort you, as your friend. I think you need to honor the feelings that you have about her and the relationship, and do what you feel is best for you, at this time. Based on what you have said, it doesn't sound as if she has been a very supportive friend in the past. Sometimes a tragedy like the loss of a pet forces us to look at our relationships more closely, and to decide whether they are worth keeping. Either you can accept your friend's limitations, or you can decide that she is incapable of providing you with what you need in a friendship and move on. You might decide to make that decision now or later. But, whatever you choose, it is up to you to decide what's best for you.
Take care of yourself and God Bless.
^Wow, that was beautifully put!^
The loss which brought me to this site was three months and five days ago, Natla, and if it helps, I can sympathize. I don't feel human anymore, I feel like all I know how to do is ache and personally, I don't feel as though I'm getting any better. I almost don't want the pain to end, I think I kind of deserve it because I let my Nadir down.
What a friend you had! That's the LAST thing that a person who's in the midst of sincere mourning needs! I'm certainly no professional, but I know that I'd have done the same in your place.
Good luck to you, Natla, and I hope your other friends are more caring.
The loss which brought me to this site was three months and five days ago, Natla, and if it helps, I can sympathize. I don't feel human anymore, I feel like all I know how to do is ache and personally, I don't feel as though I'm getting any better. I almost don't want the pain to end, I think I kind of deserve it because I let my Nadir down.
What a friend you had! That's the LAST thing that a person who's in the midst of sincere mourning needs! I'm certainly no professional, but I know that I'd have done the same in your place.
Good luck to you, Natla, and I hope your other friends are more caring.
Maureen,
First I would like to say that, although I am very sorry for the cir%%stances in which you are here, I am very glad you found LS.
Something you said really struck me....
Those words made me really think about my own feelings and something surfaced in me that I have never really looked at before. It made me wonder if that is why I can't begin to heal even after 19 long months?!? The pain for me is almost as bad as it was when I first lost her. It was an immediate emotional response to your words that made me examine more closely why they hit me so hard. I don't think that the pain is still so intense for me because I can't heal, I think it is because I have not allowed myself to heal. I guess I feel like if I do, she won't know how sorry I really am that I did what I did, and that I will never love another like I love her....almost as though I have something to prove to her?!? All I know is that it gave me something to really think about, and I think I may have started to break down a wall here...Thank you!
I bet you had no idea that by coming here, you would help someone (who has been on this site for a very long time) on your first time here
! Thank You!
Your friend in grief,
Kim
First I would like to say that, although I am very sorry for the cir%%stances in which you are here, I am very glad you found LS.
Something you said really struck me....
QUOTE
I almost don't want the pain to end, I think I kind of deserve it because I let my Nadir down
Those words made me really think about my own feelings and something surfaced in me that I have never really looked at before. It made me wonder if that is why I can't begin to heal even after 19 long months?!? The pain for me is almost as bad as it was when I first lost her. It was an immediate emotional response to your words that made me examine more closely why they hit me so hard. I don't think that the pain is still so intense for me because I can't heal, I think it is because I have not allowed myself to heal. I guess I feel like if I do, she won't know how sorry I really am that I did what I did, and that I will never love another like I love her....almost as though I have something to prove to her?!? All I know is that it gave me something to really think about, and I think I may have started to break down a wall here...Thank you!
I bet you had no idea that by coming here, you would help someone (who has been on this site for a very long time) on your first time here
! Thank You!Your friend in grief,
Kim
OMG Kim, that meant so much to me!
I've contemplated my own situation to death, but I actually think you picked out some of the exact intricacies that I haven't been able to really comrehend yet.
"I guess I feel like if I do, she won't know how sorry I really am that I did what I did, and that I will never love another like I love her....almost as though I have something to prove to her?!?"
That hit home HARD over here, thank you!
Wow this is kind of cool in a horrible way...
I've contemplated my own situation to death, but I actually think you picked out some of the exact intricacies that I haven't been able to really comrehend yet.
"I guess I feel like if I do, she won't know how sorry I really am that I did what I did, and that I will never love another like I love her....almost as though I have something to prove to her?!?"
That hit home HARD over here, thank you!
Wow this is kind of cool in a horrible way...
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