This week has marked the 4 month anniversary of CC's death and next month on the 28th Amber will have been gone a year.

Initially I immersed myself in comforting others and writing in my journal many versions in prose of how this journey is manifesting ~ using metaphors and fantasy characters to illustrate my grief.


What is happening now is that reality is setting in and I am realizing that what I was doing is called transference of my grief into comforting others and writing stories.

The reality is that for the last 20 years I defined myself and my life by Amber - her brother Jade (who I lost in 1999) and then CC who actually saved my life when I was at a juncture in life where I had nothing to live for due to an abusive relationship that I was in and subsequently got out of after I got CC ~ it took me a few years after that but CC and the other 2 were my angels ~ along with my friends daughter who I have been like a godmother to over the years since her birth (also 18 years ago) - The deaths of my pets and this childs graduation from High School and moving away has turned my world upside down. The impact of these things are now glaring ~ there is no buffer of comforting others or writing stories to keep the empty feelings at bay ~

Today after the 4 month remembrance of CC's passing on the 22nd I am so lost and empty and devestated ~ I have said before that my own home is shadowed and strange to me ~ I cannot sleep in my bed ~ cannot go in the dining room or living room ~

Intellectually I understand what is happening but my emotions and also my faith and hope in good things and feelings of being safe have escaped me.

I write this here not for sympathy but rather because I know that this is a safe place and there are others here like I who are trying so very hard to find my way in the dark.

Thanks for listening ~ I am just so very sad ~ My heart goes out to everyone here who has and is experiencing these very real and unexplicably difficult loss.

It is always a mistake to not grieve at the time of loosing a loved one, youve been though months of sadness and now when you should be healing you are only just starting to grieve.

Let you feelings out when they rise up feel them acknowledge them only for a few seconds and then let them go, try not to dwell on them but under no cir%%stances push them back down if your crying and the phone rings dont gulp down the tears ignore the phone.

There are shelves and shelves of self help books out there, pages of therapists, the internet is full of workshops for people to do healing on themselves.

One book i have just finished reading is 'the journey' by brandon bays, her story is about cancer but she does a meditation in the back to help people face their buried anger, frustration, pain, or there are workshops, unfortunately a little pricey.

please dont dwell alone get out there and get help join a grieving workgroup to make new friends, help at the local shelters, trouble there is youll probably bring one home with you

Somewhere out there is the new door that has opened after the closing of the others, look for it pray for guidance to find it.

Sorry im rattling, if you would like suggestions of an holistic nature or spiritual, pm me i will make a list for you. I know all this is easy to say, believe me i have spent the months staring at the wall thinking theres nothing to get up for, you just have to do it and the stupid thing is once youve done it you realise it wasnt that hard and wish youd done it years ago.

Love Sue

Dear Sue,

You absolutely are right and I know in my heart that what you suggest is so true. One thing that has compounded the problem for me is that my immediate group of family and friends are not into nor do they understand prolonged grief expression over the pets that I have ~ its not that folks don't acknowledge but I've not had a place to express these emotions ~ meaning actually be with someone and say and/or show my feelings ~

Thank you for taking the time to gently touch the shoulder of my spirit and give it a nudge ~

I am welcoming any resources at this point ~ living alone and facing the empty house each night and morning are brave tasks that I do and I think that stating what I am experiencing now is the beginning for me

It is hard ~ and I know I am not alone ~ I am still on the edge of my grief and hope for the months ahead to be improved.

Condolences to all who are grieving ~ my heart goes out to you ~

Sincere Appreciation,
Kathryn

Dear Kathryn,

My heart goes out to you. I loved Sue's response; it was so empathetic and wise. Please know that we all are here for you through this process.

Love and comfort,

Kathy

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for the thoughts and kind words. ~ I know I will get through this ~ if for no other reason than for the prayers and thoughts of others to help me along the way ~ or better to light the path for me when it gets too dark ~ Sometimes things get swirled so that I just need the extra boost that I find here ~ even when I am not able to "speak" or otherwise communicate ~ reading and participating in this community of like souls is so beneficial.

Sincere Appreciation,
Kathryn

Kathryn,
I just wanted you to know that I have said a prayer for you in your lonliness ( of course you are never alone if you have Jesus ). You are obviously a very dear and caring person, and you deserve happiness in your life once again. I'm not trying to push any thing on you, but I am wondering if you have considered sharing your heart with another furkitty that desperately needs to be shown love like only you can give? I think it would be a miserable existence without a furry to share my life with, but I do recognize that we are all different. I just want you to know that if it is something that you have considered, but just feel guilty or something, that it is not only okay to get another furry...it is a wonderful gift.
Your friend in grief,
Kim

Dear Kim,

Thank you so very much for the words of encouragement ~ they are appreciated and taken to heart ~ I know I will be able one day to think of my angels and smile more than the tears that seem to well up so often now ~ Yet I have hope and believe that in these last days can find the path out of the darkness ~

Blessings and Peace,
Kathryn