I lost my dog, Max, to Canine Myasthenia Gravis yesterday. He was 8, had been completely healthy, and it was just a big shock, big surprise. I live in Orlando for college, and he lived with my family in Ft. Lauderdale. On Saturday, he began throwing up non-stop, so my parents took him to the vet to see what was wrong. The vet through it had something to do with dehydration, maybe something with the pancreas and gave him some pills and some wet food. The next day, he was still throwing up. The vet said to give it a few days.

My dad took him back to the vet on Tuesday for some more tests. The vet eventually referred Max to an animal hospital because he didn't know what was wrong. After my dad took Max in, he called me to tell me about everything that had happened. He assured me that nothing the doctor thought it was was fatal. But, in the pit of my stomach, I knew I wasn't going to get to see him again.

The next morning, my dad called me to say that my Max had a fatal disease. It tore me up into about a billion little pieces. I was at work and had to leave because I just absolutely couldn't stop crying. I made plans to get back to Orlando (my parents flew me back because I wouldn't have been able to drive for the 3 hours) so that I could say goodbye to him before the doctor had to put him to sleep.

The airport had wireless internet, so I logged onto my laptop to research the disease. When I looked it up, I couldn't find any websites that said the disease was fatal. I didn't understand why he couldn't be saved, or why this hadn't be caught earlier. The last time I saw him, in December, he was fine. I thought maybe I could discuss it with the vet and see what else could be done.

Then I landed, and my dad met me inside the airport. Right before I got into the car, my dad said, "I have something to tell you." and I knew that he had already died.

I'm 21 years old, and this is the first pet I've ever had. Since I had been 5 I wanted a dog. My parents wouldn't even consider it until I was 11. Then I had to work my ass off doing everything they said for 2 years just so I could get my dog. I remember the day we picked him up more vividly than I remember any day in my entire life.

He was just...the best dog anyone could have asked for, and I don't know what to do with myself right now. I recently lost a very close aunt, but I almost feel as though this is harder for me to cope with. I've never lost anyone or anything that I wasn't prepared for, and that's the worst part. Everyone else had been old and dying...he was fine. Perfect. And now he's gone, and I feel destroyed inside.

I know I shouldn't, but I just feel so awful at the way he died and that I couldn't see him before. All I wanted to do was say goodbye to him, and to let him know that I loved him. I'm so scared that he felt that we had abandoned him in the hospital. When the doctor put him to sleep, it was because he had started to suffer...so none of the family was there to comfort him. That makes me feel so horrible that I can't even put it into words.

I'm having such a hard time with this. My father and I have been crying nearly non-stop for nearly 3 days and every thing in my house reminds me of him. It is so crazy to come home and not have him greet me at the door. I guess my problem is that I just don't understand how this could have happened. It was so quick, so 1-2-3 that it almost feels surreal.

My friends don't understand, they don't have pets. They think, oh it's just a dog. But it's not just a dog. It's cliched and overused, but it's true -- he was my best friend, and the ONLY friend I had had for eight straight years.

And now I can't get the little things that he used to do out of my head. Aside from every single memory I have of him invading my thoughts, I just...think about the way his little claws would tap on the floor, or the silly stomp-dance he would do before going to the bathroom, or the way he used to steal my underwear and not give it back unless we gave him a treat.

I have no idea how to deal with this. I just want him back. I would give a day of my life to have one more day with him. I'm so scared he thought we didn't love him.

Dear Tracy

Aww I feel so horrible for you I just went through something very much like you losing my little Tillie at a hospital she died without us. This was four weeks ago but I remember and still feel all the horrors you are feeling. I hope I can offer some comfort and hope here I am very new to this place and came here for the same reason we all do I gues a shattered heart at the loss of our very best buddies.

When we are not at all prepared to lose our baby there is a huge shock to our system I know there was to mine. I bargained prayed and pleaded with the powers to be to wake my butt up from this nightmare but it did not work. So now what do we do? We get up we move each day and hurt but I can tell you this much it does seem to lessen a very little each day and I think it does because we start to accept what has happened. You would have to read my story and many others here to know what each went through or are going through but for me this is how I am trying to cope with the loss of my Tillie.

I work with cats and dogs I am a groomer I see the most wonderful charaters everyday and I see many senior ones too who I have worked with for over 10 yrs and I have lost many of my clients over the yrs. In doing what I do I have watched many pets get very old and sick and the parents worry and fret and cry over knowing their time is near it is very sad. So I have to keep telling myself over and over Tillie went fast and did not suffer and she did this for a reason because she knew emotionally I could not have stood up to that. You see I have a 15 yr old collie who I was fretting over and still am but she has had a good life and while fretting over her I knew in my heart if we lose her I would be a basket case over Tillie cause she was the next older dog. So trying to sum this up maybe Tillie or some one much bigger knew that would have been to much on me AND Tillie. I can see from Max's picture he was very much loved you can see it in his grin and eyes he KNEW that a dog that is not loved you can also see it in their eyes not your Max tho.

Please know you are not alone we do understand all that you feel and well you will ride the horrible pain ride we go through so will I but it hurts and let it hurt don't let anyone try to dimish your hurt and love of Max ever. Just last night I was weeping once again but for the first time after 4 weeks I knew in my heart Tillie would not want me to be this way she loved me and always went out of her way to make me happy thats how she wanted me to be and Max does too maybe this is a sign of healing I don't know. But you hurt for now it's ok in time you and I and alot of others will be able to remeber the wonderful blessing we had in our babies. Take care Tracy I am very sorry for your loss.

Tillie

These are thoughts we use to punish ourselves which is all part of the grieving process.

it will be a roller coaster ride for a while emotionally and just when you think your handling it really great. - bam your back to square one again.

Just take one minute at a time there are no rules just feel the emotions and let them go, dont try to bury them or suppress them they are there for a reason and should be allowed to run their course.

As for your friends they are right he is just a dog - TO THEM there is no point in trying to make them understand just ask them to accept your feelings, if they are friends they will support you if not then i would call them acquaintances.

As i have said take one minute at a time untill one day youll find your taking one day at a time, and you will be laughting about some antic or other that Max got up to- i promise.

Love Sue

I forgot to say, i have fallen in love with Max too and thats just from a photo.

Dear Tracy,

My heart goes out to you at this time of sorrow in your life. I'm sorry that I don't really have much to say right now. I lost my own pet yesterday, and am deeply grieving.

I just wanted you to know, that you are not alone.

Darrell