I haven't been on here since the new year, it is so hard to believe. I kind of felt like maybe Parker gave me a new beginning. It hurt just a little less for some reason. But then of course the guilt started again a few weeks ago and I felt like I wasn't dedicating enough time to his memory. Then today, I am here alone and painting the border in what will be the nursery for our second child (who will be named after my sweet angel Parker....it will be her middle name) and I can't get my boy out of my mind. I am just crying and crying for him, I just want him here. I don't want to enjoy any of this without him. It's not the same, it never will be and I am just so pissed. I can't even finish a task these days. It seems everything is moving on and everyone is moving on, but I can't and I don't want to. My boy was my everything, he just knew me and was there for me always, no one will ever fill that space. I can't believe in a few weeks, I will bring someone into this world who has never met and will never meet Parker. How is that possible? Will I feel as attached to her even though she doesn't know my boy Parker?? That may sound cold, and I don't mean it to, it's just that these days I feel like casting anyone out of my life that doesn't understand my emptiness or didn't know Park and all his glory!! Obviously I don't mean that I would cast my daughter out in any way, I just wish so badly that she would at least have gotten to meet him and he could have been her first experience with dogs. My son was 3 when Parker died and I am so worried that he isn't going to have any memory of him. I talk about him all the time, and so does he but part of me thinks he is doing it to please me. Anyway, the rambling must end, thanks for anyone listening. It has been 5 months and I have to say it isn't much better. The crying is a little less, but the pain is just as bad.

Parker's Mom,
Kerry

Dearest Kerry everything is ok and very very normal, the roller coaster ride will continue for a while yet it is all part of grieving.

Instead of thinking your new bundle of joy will never meet Parker think on it as Parker filling her in on what she needs to know before she arrives .

Your baby is learning even now and you should teach her that its ok to grieve that we have to grieve and not hold anything in that would fester and come back and harm you later, that’s what grieving does it releases all the pain and hurt.

Be kind to yourself, put the brush down and curl up on the settee and tell Parker how much you are missing him, let it all out.

Look forward to your next new beginning when your baby is born as they say when one door closes another opens, I don’t think youll have to look too far for your next open door.

Take Care
Love Sue

Thanks so much Sue. It always helps to hear from someone who seems to really know the pain....I know you do. You are exactly right, it is totally like waves. I have been so much better for about 5 weeks, I could even look at his pictures and just smile and talk to him. Now, I can't even think about him without bawling. I still haven't taken his bed out of my closet, I kneel down and smell him still from time to time, but the smell is fading. I am just so afraid of his memory doing the same thing. I never want to forget his feel, smell, everything. God I hope he is up there mad at me right now. He hated when I cried, he always showed me his teeth in the later years. But I just thought it was funny. Anywya, thanks so much for your reply. It really helps.

Parker's Mom,
Kerry

In my work as an author of pet loss books, I have the sad opportunity of communicating with thousands of people who hae suffered pet losses. In all my communications I have never read anyone's thoughts and related to them as much as I did yours. You managed to capture the essence of your pain and draw me into it - and believe me, I have heard some of the saddest stories imaginable. But your openness and honest projection of how you feel was simply moving. I have maintained over the years that people who write poetry about their pets are those who feel the deepest pain and love. Your post may not have rhymed, but it was more poetic than just about anything I have ever read. Your boy Parker would be so proud to know what you wrote.

I particularly was moved by your mentioning that you felt you did not want to enjoy the things life offered without him there. I am an author and theoretically able to express myself well - but you captured in that one sentence what I have been trying to articulate for 10 years and I want to thank you for unknowingly doing that. It was precious. It captured exactly how I felt for many, many years.

And that is where I can return the favor to you - to tell you that time does indeed heal enough so that you can enjoy life's treasures again (like your new baby - congratulations). It never gets "great" again, but it does get better. I assure you that the tears will flow less, the things that trigger bouts of grief now, the sights, sounds and even smells that provoke memories that sting - they will deaden over time and you will be able to laugh and enjoy yourself without feeling like you have betrayed Parker.

I don't know your personal beliefs, but I am a minister and I see in the Bible that animals are eternal creatures. It is certain that Parker, as an innocent creature, is enjoying new youth, new health and the presence of his creator. I don't say things like that flippantly. I assure you I know them to be true.

Thank you again and may God bless you during this difficult time.

Gary Kurz, GKURZ007@aol.com, Author: Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates

Kerry
Thank you for your post. I lost Suzie 2 weeks ago today. The guilt is overwhelming and like you I dont want to enjoy anything without her. Yes everything is moving on, without her, I have begun to hate cliches, "Life goes on" "S.... happens" it seems so disrespectful to my girl. Anyway thank you, I do understand how you feel.