I'm not sure if anyone can relate to how I am feeling right now--or if anyone has gone through something similar to this. I've been on this site before, and the love that all of us have fir our furkids is incredible. I am hopingthat someone can help me. I lost my beloved Jake cat on 11/22/05 to feline leukemia, and I cannot seem to get over it. I was engaged at the time, and now have recently broken the engagement as well as the relationship. I cannot seem to bring myself to go over to the new house where Jake is buried. All I can see is that last morning, when I found him almost lifeless, and trying to get him into the cat carrier and in the car without him getting cold. I accidently bumped the carrier with the door of the car, and I felt horrible. I was alone when I took Jae to the vet, and, I was the one who held him as the vet administered anesthesia. My then fiance left the room, and Jake watched him go. I can't go to the basement of the house--Jake's things are there. We have two other kittens, and, although I love them, it isn't the same. I still hear Jake, I have dreamt terrible dremas about him, as well as some that he is curled right up beside me. The loss is as if we have lost a child--he was our baby, and my other half cannot understand why I take the death so hard. We got into a huge fight and I told him that he wasn't there, he left me alone to deal with it. Some of you know that Jake fought the final needle, and that has haunted me ever since. I feel like I killed my baby in a way, as I did hold him. I just couldn't let him go through that alone. He had to know that he was loved. I cry every day, my appetite is crazy, I don't sleep well, and sometimes I think even see Jake. I even did a project for school on the Feline Leukemia Virus to educate people on the dangers of the disease. To be honest, it helped, because it was like I could actually "get out" how I feel. I am angry with my significant other--I feel like I was left to deal with my grief. I fell apart once the vet confirmed his death. I fell to my knees, just sobbing. I closed Jake's eyes, and laid him in the box, and covered him, told him how much I loved him--that I was sorry, and then I got sick. HIs "daddy" was in the waiting room, and watched me carry the box with my precious kitty in it, and didn't even ask me if I was alright. Then, I had to go to college and take a midterm. Did I really not care about my Jake? The last place I wanted to be was school. I wanted to be with my baby. I wanted it all to be a bad dream and I wanted to wake up and have Jake alive and healthy. I was in shock, I think. I keep hearing that final small cry from Jake--and it kills me inside. I am sorry that I am rambling and that this is graphic, I just need to get it out. My friends and family don't really understand--they don't know what happened. I have never been the same since I lost Jake. It just hurts so bad....thank you for listening.

Sandi

Sandi,

I understand how your feeling. Our pets really do become members of our family. And when we lose them, our grief is the same as if we lost a child or another member of the family. But there are people who just don't get that. My husband wasn't very broken up when our cat Rose died last week. He was sad for me and the children, but he wasn't upset over it much. But I don't hold that against him. I was able to pour out my heart to my mom who is a fellow animal lover. Do you have anyone you can talk to that loves animals a lot? Getting your feelings out will help with your healing. Maybe you could start writing in a journal or a scrapbook for your kitty.

Please don't let the guilt control you. You did the best thing, even though it doesn't FEEL like it. Don't rely on your emotions so much right now with making important decisons. They aren't trustworthy because your in so much grief. It's hard to think. And you may end up regretting something you did later on. Take your time and think things through.

You knew all the facts and figures about lukemia. You didn't rush into putting your kitty down. You did a very unselfish thing and it took a lot of courage. I'm sorry he didn't want the needle in the end. But to be honest, it wouldn't have mattered much if he hadn't cried out or resisted. You'd still be hurting and grieving. He would still be very ill. Only the inevitable would have been delayed. I felt the way you did. The ending for my cat was horrible. I almost passed out at the end and I was so sick. I felt so guilty and wished I could take it back. But after a few days I realized time wouldn't have mattered. She would have suffered longer and I still would have had to say good bye. I did my best for her, as you did for your kitty. We can't be guilty over that. What more could we have done? They know we loved them the best we could and that it tore us up to do what we did. Please try to let the guilt go. Rely on your mind right now and don't let those what if thoughts bother and control you. Feel the grief and sadness and let out the tears. But don't give in to the guilt because you have nothing to feel guilty over. ((((Hug))))

MaraJade,
Thank you for your kind words. To be honest, my mom understands a little, but she is sick and not doing well. To be honest, that is why I came here. I knew that someone would listen.

How are you doing? I thought that I was doing well, but, it is so hard. I feel a little better after coming here today and getting how I am feeling out. Todd is coming over to see me tonight after I get out of work, so we can talk.

I have to go back to work for now, but, thank you again.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Love,
Sandi