I woke up this morning only to find my Smokey of 14 yrs dead in my laundry room. We took him to the vet about 2 months ago and found a tumor on his leg. The doctor said because of his age it is very risky to perform any type of surgery where he would have to be put asleep. So for the next month he was doing fine, acting just as he normally would. Then about 3-4 weeks ago he started eating less, he became very skinny, and he had trouble walking and jumping. So last night I was sitting on the chair and had him lay next to me. Then I went to bed later on and lifted him on my bed so he could cuddle next to me. I heard him eventually jump down and throw up his food. Then probably a half hour later I was still awake and I heard him trying to jump back on my bed a couple times but he couldn't make it. So I called him but he never came by me. Then this morning I found him in the laundry basket cuddled up in the clothes with his face down. I had to go to work today and I broke down at work and was crying all day. I just came home and expect him to greet me at the door, but he isn't there. I am not sure how to deal with the pain of losing him. I miss him so much it hurts. I have 3 other cats but they don't even know he is gone. As much as I love them too I want my cat back. I hope he is in heaven or wherever animals go. I feel like I let him down by not getting up and letting him sleep with me.

I'm so sorry for your loss - even when our pets get older and we know that they're not feeling that well, it still comes as a shock when they leave. We feel guilt, regret and anger, sometimes all at once. If you haven't lost a pet before, or if it's been awhile since you have, you'll still have all kinds of emotions, and they'll overwhelm you when you least expect it. I found my cat Magic passed away on our couch 2 months ago, and I know that sick horrible feeling when you realize that your pet is actually gone. It sounds like your Smokey passed peacefully, like my Magic did, and I don't know if he'd been on your bed it would have been any easier for either of you - he could have fallen off or gotten trapped under the covers, you just never know. Because you don't know, there will be guilty feelings, and those are normal. And even if you have other pets, the loss of another one is never diminished, at least in my experience. I have 5 other cats, and still, it's been a difficult time, and I still miss Magic and her funny little ways. It's odd how you mentioned that your other cats don't know that Smokey is gone. The night Magic passed away all of my other cats were in the living room with her, but they didn't seem to think she was gone either. Magic wasn't very close to any of them, but I'd always thought that animals would act oddly around another pet in their midst who was gone, or that they'd notice in some way. My other cats have never acted like they even knew Magic was gone, and after thinking about it awhile I prefer to think that Magic's spirit is still present around here, and so my other cats don't really see her as "gone" - if that makes sense. I don't know if Smokey was close to any of your other cats, but I've read that some pets really deeply grieve when they experience the loss of another pet. It's all so different each time.

I'm one of those people who really do believe that our pets go to another place after they're gone, and that we will one day be reunited with them. That's just something I take for granted, and it's been a comforting thought to me. And wherever Smokey is, he knows how much you love him, and in the end, that's what matters - the love you feel for him and how good you were to him when he was here with you.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Another thing that I've found comforting is coming to this forum and reading how other people manage to deal with their grief, and work toward healing. Please come back and let us know how you're doing. Take care - Barbara

One thing I have definately learned here is that when our babies die, grief and guilt go hand in hand, regardless of the cir%%stances surrounding how they die. I always thought ( being one that had to euthanize my girl) that I wouldn't feel so much guilt over her passing if I hadn't been the one to 'kill' her ( and it is more guilt than I can handle at times). Before I made that decision, I always thought "If she would just go in her sleep, I would feel so much better, then I would know for sure that it was her time to go, and I could accept it. I could just feel at peace with what a long and wonderful life she had". But it wasn't meant to be that way. Her bloodwork would show that her organ function, even at her age, was great. The vet told me that it was basically going to fall on me. I would have to be the one to say she has had enough, and make that final decision for her.....and that I did. I must admit, I was a little jealous of people who had their babies pass so peacefully in their own time. I was angry at God for putting me in that position. In the nights leading up to my decision, I would talk to God and ask him "Who should be asked to murder their own child in order to spare them from their pain? Is this some kind of sick test?" After it was done, I carried a lot of anger in me for having to do it, until I read a post from someone who had to put their pet to sleep at such a very young age due to cancer. They in turn stated that if only their pet would have lived a long life and experienced all there was to experience, she wouldn't feel so guilty. That if her pet had been old and gotten cancer, and in turn needed to be euthanized, then she could handle that, but not having to make that decision at such a young age. It really opened my eyes to the fact that it doesn't matter how, why, or at what age our babies leave us, there is always guilt. I guess our love for them will always leave us wanting to blame ourselves. My family tells me that if I couldn't think of something to feel guilty about over Sasha, I would feel guilty for not thinking of something to feel guilty about! I guess we are all in the same boat here with that one..................

I'm so sorry for your loss, and know how you feel to come home from work expecting your kitty to greet you. I still expect my Soshi to be sitting on our couch, just waking up from her nap, yawning and stretching...everytime I come home. That's probably the hardest time.
It does get easier, though, especially when you have a place to come to like this, where you can greive, and share your memories.
I believe that my Soshi is still here, watching over me, and when it's my time, we'll be together again. That keeps me going.
Remember to take care of yourself.
You're in my thoughts and prayers,
Brandy

I am so sorry for your loss, it's gut wrenching. My koby was put to sleep last Friday. He too had been limping for a while, we thought it was arthritis but like your Smokey, he had trouble walking and couldn't jump onto the car seat any more. Xrays showed advanced bone cancer in his leg. WE kept him sedated and put him to sleep. I'm devastated, it does hurt and there is no easy way out of it. WE know that when we bring these beutiful creatures into our lives, if we outlive them, there will be incredible heartache at some point. But we would not miss the experience for anything. The tears will become less and everyday just a little easier. Every once in a while something will remind us and set us off again. I've put two pets to sleep int he past and it's always the same. You have to grieve and go through it. Smokey was lucky to have you and you must never feel guilty about anything. They absolutely know we love them. TAke care.