I lost my beloved Woofie 12/31/05 due to cancer, which had only been diagnosed 10 days earlier when he went to the vet's for a bath. I can't seem to stop crying about him every night b/c I wonder if I let him down as an owner in his final years.

Woofie came into my life 8 years ago as an adult stray, we think he may have been four at the time. I wasn't looking for a dog, but there he was, part of my life. He saw me through a difficult stage of my life, and having to walk him each day was probably my salvation in a very depressing time.

Flash forward to a live-in boyfriend, who made lots of adjustments to put up with a 75 pound dog in his life when he'd never had a dog. He even found a lodge in Carmel that allowed dogs, so we could go on a "family" vacation together. There were trips to the dog park on a regular basis, hikes through woods, etc.

Then we moved cross-country to Virginia, got married, bought a house and Woofie had to put up with two dogs who belonged to another family member and came to live with us "temporarily" for over a year. Our daily dog walks cut down for various cir%%stances, but still there was lots of love.

Then I became pregnant, gigantically so, and couldn't manage walks through the woods without incurring pre-term contractions. And after the baby came, life was quite overwhelming, so not a lot of dog walks then. And then came a foot problem, requiring surgery, so again, I was not up to a lot of dog walking for several months. As arthritis kicked in for Woofie, we tried to accomodate his constant desire to go in/out, not only by letting him in/out on demand but having doggie doors installed so he could go in and out at will. Unfortuantely, he started having troubles getting up after lying down in the yard (he loved to sit outside and feel the wind on his face) and barking started to be a problem -- I got an anonymous note from an impatient neighbor two months before his death. So in his final months, I had to close the doggie doors when I was out of the house, keeping him inside when I ran errands, etc.

We had to put up baby gates to keep our toddler from getting into the dog bowl, going through the dog door, etc. which meant that often Woofie was on the other side of the gate from us. He liked to sleep in the dining room, while we would be in the family room.

I'm pregnant again, and had terrible morning sickness up until recently. We managed to take Woofie to a farm with us on a special "dog days of summer" weekend. My mother would stop by to take him for walks when she could, knowing I was not able. Woof spent lots of time sitting outside (at his request). When he needed help up, I'd waddle out and lift him up. But it wasn't the same quality time as before we started to grow our family.

We found out about his cancer at the same time we had reason to believe our unborn baby was in jeopardy from exposure to Fifth Disease and a day before all my in-laws descended upon us -- I was overwhelmed. We got final confirmation of his lymphoma on Christmas Eve. The vet thought, with steroids, we'd "only" have him 4 more weeks. How I wish that had been true. Our plan was to get through the holidays and lavish as much attention on our beloved Woofie as possible as soon as the visiting family members were gone -- in the meantime we managed to escape the crowd for half an hour to take him for a walk in the woods and let him go through the creek. Another day we took him to Manassas Battlefield, where he was so tired, he couldn't walk the whole circuit. I cried every night, struggling with the reality that I would be losing my beloved dog so soon. On December 30, I brushed him until it looked like it bothered him, so I stopped. The next morning, my husband carried him downstairs b/c he seemed to be having trouble with the steps. We had our breakfast, and I got the leash for us to take him for a walk, and only then did I realize, that he could no longer stand. It was time. I knew a few days earlier that there would be no way we'd have a month, but I thought we'd at least have a week. We didn't even have a day alone with him.

He never shut his eyes during the process at the vet's -- he just looked into my eyes the whole time and I saw a flicker when his life went out, and the vet confirmed his heart stopped. I hugged and rubbed and whispered to him the whole time. I so wanted him to drift off (he had been on painkillers, was given a sedative, and then the final shot) in my arms. My vet believes he just wanted to maintain eye contact with me until the very end.

And now I just cannot shake the guilt. Was I a bad dog owner the last couple of years -- unable to take him on many special trips and daily walks, etc.? Or was it not just my body that wasn't able to, but his body as well as arthritis creeped in? Did he feel isolated by the baby gates, or was he relieved to have some toddler-free time and space, and happy to be in our bedroom with us each night? Does he know just how much I loved him? Several times a day I catch myself forgetting he's gone -- putting down my leftovers for him, jumping when I hear a dog barking, thinking he needs me to come lift him up, making sure I have the door closed all the way before running out to the car to get something.

And I have the guilt that in my tired days, when I was caring for my toddler, and vomitting in the sink, and Woof needed my help, that sometimes the thought would creep into my mind that life would be easier without him -- I knew even before the cancer that his days were limited, I knew one day the arthritis would be more than was fair and we'd have to put him down, maybe in a year. I would quickly banish the thought from my mind, but I know I thought it. Today, of course, I'd take a thousand barks and lift him up a million times if I could just have him here, even another day.

Friends tell me that being loved by a little boy was just as wonderful as our old lives of morning/evening walks. That my willingness to hop up to let him in/out was a testament of my love. That his needs/wants changed as he aged -- that I may not have been as active, but I was home more for him, being a stay at home mom, and that was even better than him seeing me on walks before/after work. I have sweet friends.

But I just cry, wishing I knew if he knew just how very much I loved him and how very much he meant to me. I cry for my loss and I cry over my guilt.

I am so sorry about Woofie and I know how heartbroken you are.
Please one quiet night light a candle for him and tell him how you feel. It may make you feel better.
The most important thing between us and those we love is love. And felt so much love in your description. You lifted him, you helped him walk, you gave him doggie doors, you kept him safe. I agree with your friends-having you there most of the time was better than only having you there for walks before and after work.

Talk to him, he's still near you in spirit. HE knows you love him and the love doesn't die.

Your love for Woofie shines through so much in your post.
You didn't let him down at all, life challenges us all the time, good days and bad.

Woofie obviously loved you so much for taking such good care of him , the fact that he kept eye contact with you until his last breath moved me to tears.

I believe animals wish for nothing more than to be with us, whatever we are doing, the fact that you were there with him will have been a great comfort to Woofie.

Woofie's mom,
My heart just bleeds for you while reading your post. Your story and my own ring very similiar. I got my Sasha at 5 weeks of age from the county animal shelter, and I was only 14. She would become my very best friend, and will always be my canine soulmate. She was 15, and I 29, when I found out that I was pregnant. Up until then, with the acception of arthritis (which was managed at that point with meds), she was the picture of health. My family would kid me that she was going to outlive me! Oh, how I wish. Well during the next few months a new problem popped up. DM ( degenerative myelopthy) is a degeneration of the spinal cord, which causes a paraylisis of the hind end. It was scary to me how quickly the signs began to show. To make a very long and emotional story as short as possible, by the time I was in my HUGE months of pregnancy, Sasha was very weak in her hind end and was in the same boat as your Woofie. She needed me to get her up, and she was about 75 pounds at that point ( she lost a lot of weight during all this as well). She also began to shed terribly from the drugs they had her on, and that thought that still haunts me to this day crept into my mind as well. The one about things being easier....I can't even stand to type it because I feel so terrible for ever thinking it. At least I know it was only human for me to have that thought and for that I thank you. You have no idea how good it was to hear that from someone else. After she was gone, I hated myself for thinking that. How could I think that just because it was inconvenient, or it meant I had to clean more. She would have given her life for me and I was annoyed by inconvenience?!!? I guess I just never thought the day would come that she would really be gone, and now that she is, I have to live with those selfish thoughts. I just hope she knows that even though I was 'annoyed' about the inconvenience of those last few months, she was my heart, and I will love her always.
One other thing that haunts me is that since we had to have her put down just after the baby was born, I have the fear that she thinks we did it because of that. That we were 'getting rid of her' because of the new baby.....surely she knows better...don't you think? I hope so. Sometimes I wonder if this guilt will ever fade. It has been 18 months now and I still struggle with it every day...but I guess anyone who has lost a 'child' does.....
Your friend in grief,
Kim

My Holly after being diagnozed with heart disease was put on meds that made her drink alot and obviously pee alot. Sometimes she would just pee where she was in the last month, I remember saying to my hubby after a particularly stressful day and cleaning up about the fifth lot of pee (which was only a tiny puddle anyway) "this will be something I wont miss", those words have haunted me since she passed because I DO, I do miss cleaning after her and I would spend all day every day doing it, if only I could have her back.


I guess we aren't perfect but I'm sure our babies loved us anyway

It amazes me that I find comfort here at LS in ways I would never imagine. Here I was, holding on to this crippling guilt and thinking I was this monster for having such thoughts. Granted it may have crossed my mind all of twice ( if that), but it is always the first thing that comes to mind and I just can't let it go. I was too embarassed to even say I had such thoughts, knowing that noone else would have ever done so under any cir%%stances! I find such comfort to know that I wasn't the only one who was "human". My husband would try to make me feel better by saying " Honey, you were pregnant and miserable, and you weren't as tolerant with any of us, not just Sasha, and we still knew you loved us, what would make her any different?". What makes her different is that she isn't here any more for me to make it up to her. She died 10 days after my daughter was born (when she was down and couldn't get up, so I lifted her up, then watched helplessly as she sank back to the floor. I knew it was time.) I wish her time didn't have to come when so much was going on. she deserved my undivided attention. I hope she can forgive me.....

Forgive you?

After 16 years of love and protection I'm sure she feels she had the best Mom in the world and is bragging about you at the Rainbow Bridge.


It does help so much to find that we aren't alone with these negative thoughts that haunt us and I too am amazed at how much guilt our losses bring.
I'm starting to get over those feeling now, realizing they are obviously quite normal and focus my memories on the 13 years we shared.

I guess a good way to look at it is like this, if a few times in all those years we shared with our babies they had maybe snapped at us, or been unloving would we have stopped loved loving them?
Of course not, we'd have understood and I just know in my heart that they understand alot more than we could ever realize

Thank you for letting me know that I wasn't the only one who had those thoughts -- it did make me feel like a monster. The arthritis was difficult, and the meds only helped some, but never seemed to really help as much as we thought, though we had recently increased his medication again. I still don't really know if it was ultimately the arthritis or the cancer that got him, but he had not urinated at all that morning, which didn't occur to me until I saw that he couldn't stand -- he was able to stand the night before. So I am pretty sure his organs had started to fail. It was clearly time to let him go, and I thank God that our vet, who was out that day, came in especially to help us put him to rest. She was terrific and I was comforted to know that the vet who had seen Woofie the most was the one who helped us put him down. We are going to give his arthritis supplies to a local pet charity who will give them to a family who needs them, and that brings me some comfort.

I miss him so terribly. I always knew he was important to me, but in a way, you just don't realize how big of an impact until they are gone. We have several cats, but the house is much different without a dog around, especially him. We aren't going to get another dog until this second baby is older -- I know that I won't be able to lavish the kind of attention on a dog or puppy that I will want to until this baby is born and probably not until she is walking. But part of me wants to rush out and get another dog in a feeble attempt to fill this hole in my heart.

I know Woofie had a better life than a lot of dogs, and certainly better than dogs who somehow become strays in their adult years. It's just the comparison between the first 6 years and the last two that bother me. I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that the many times a day I find myself "doing something" for him means that I really did show him each day he was important to us. In the last few months, he would get tired more easily on walks, so I think he did actually start to prefer to go out to his favorite spot in the back yard and lie down in the sun and feel the breeze, listen to the birds, etc.

I think about the Rainbow Bridge and hope to see my Woofie again, although that will (hopefully) be a long time from now -- so it seems like way too long to go without him. I lost my first dog when I was 13 (to cancer) and my second dog passed away (old age) while I was at college, so this is the first time losing a dog as an adult myself and I can't believe how different it is. He truly was like my own child. I'm sure pregnancy hormones don't help this process at all.

Thank you for your comforting words. I guess it is not unreasonable for me to feel this grief-striken just a month afterward then?

I hear myself in your words.

Oh why didn't I take her for more walks?

When in reality it wasn't what she wanted in the last few months and it wasn't even practical either because of the temps and the fact she wasn't to get excited.
We forget that they change and their needs change as they get older and not so fit.
I can look back now and see like you can that she was happy being where she was and was no longer the fit little girl she once was.


I don't think it's unreasonable to still be grieving for your loss at all.

Missing her so badly,

When I read that first sentence of your reply, I burst into tears. You don't know what it meant to me to hear those words.....God bless you .

I've been having one of 'those days' today thinking about my Sasha and decided to get out the home videos. I have looked at them quite often since she has been gone and it is always so comforting to me. I have hours worth and I think I watched every bit of them today. It helps because it is proof to me how happy she was and how much I loved her and she loved me. One movie in particular brought a smile to my face. It was Christmas a few years ago and I taped more of her than anyone else! My family was kidding with me on the tape about what it took to get some camera time around here! I would say " hold on, I'm taping my baby right now" and they would laugh and say " Lord knows you don't have any video of Sasha, so tape on!" I didn't realize how much my entire family was bonded to her until I watched that today. Watching everyone interact with her and make sure she was included in the celebration. My brother was decorating her with all the bows from the gifts and she just lay perfectly still for him except for her tail wagging so they wouldn't fall off.........I miss her so much.

Yall are all so wonderful, I wish we could have crossed paths under different cir%%stances, but I'm glad you are all here....I hate to think of where I would be if I didn't have yall........

Woofie's mom,

If it is unreasonable for you to feel this way a month afterward, then I am nothing short of a total nut-job......it's been 18 MONTHS for me !

I truly believe that the depth of our grief is a testiment to the depth of our love for them.

Woofie's mom,
Sorry, I'm being kind of a thread hog here, but I forgot to invite you to have a look at the rainbow bridge link at the bottom of my post, it is a tear jerker, but it helps me so much. I watch it almost every time I come here ( which is daily, whether I post or not) and I think you will llike it.
with love ,
Kim