It's been a week today my Soshi died and I thought I'd come here and just read the topics but I can't stop crying.
I thought I was feeling better, but I'm not really.
I got a nice letter from the vet today sending condolences (she died at a specialty clinic, not at her regular vet), and that just set me off.
They really loved her there, and knew her, because she was diabetic so she was a frequent customer...only she died of lymphoma in her brain, not of the diabetes.
My husband is also out of town tonight, and this is the first night I've been without her that he's been gone.
She always kept me company and now my house is so empty and lifeless.
I want her back!
I keep thinking of things I would have done differently - like not getting that stupid MRI, because she never seemed to recover from the anesthesia, and we should have brought her home where she would have been more comfortable. When I went in to visit her once, she was lying on a blanket she had also peed on. God only knows how long she was like that. My poor kitty! I could have taken off work for a few days to take care of her and taken her to the vet when it was time to go...at least she would have been more comfortable and I would have never let her lie on a blanket covered in pee.
I feel horrible.

I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time, particularly tonight. I think the first response we have is to blame ourselves and say, "What if..." Without a doubt your precious Soshi loved you and knew that whatever you did, you did first with love for her. Please don't doubt yourself--you did everything right. So sorry you feel so alone tonight. Rest assured that even though the posters on this board are technically "strangers," we know the pain you are experiencing tonight, and are with you in spirit. Please take care.
Pat

I'm sorry you are so upset. I can not walk into my backyard right now because I cry every time. That is where Lucy died and where she is buried.
The only thing I can say is NOT to let guilt get the best of you. I am with you because if I would've just left the door open for awhile so Lucy could come in from the rain she never would've been outside to die. But you know what, we are human, we do the best we can. You wanted Soshi to have the best care possible and that's why you took her there. Thinking about Soshi's (and, for me, Lucy's) pain just keeps the sweet memories away. It's hard to think of the good times right now, I know, but the more you think of her illness (for me, her accident) the worse you will feel.

Thanks for your words of comfort, guys.
Today was better, and I told another person about her dying (actually a neighbor who feeds our neighborhood stray cats ), and she told me about her kitty who died years ago - she said she'll never leave my heart, and that's just fine with me.
I miss my cuddlebug so much, but I know she's not in pain anymore, and I did do the best I could with what I knew.
I know it will get easier, but it seems to come and go in waves...we should be getting her ashes back pretty soon, and when we do I'm going to have a little memorial service for her. I think that will help me say goodbye.
Brandy

I'm glad you have a neighbor who you can share your loss with. People who feed the ferals, I've found, have a lot of experience in facing pet loss, but that doesn't make it easier, of course. I felt that the first week or two after Magic was gone was really hard to get through - I had to make an exhausting effort to go through the daily routine, and the roller-coaster emotions did and still do take me by surprise. Grief lasts longer than we ever think it will, and just when you think you're there at the end, you go back in time almost and it's as if the loss was just that day. I used to be really angry with myself about that, but now I just accept it. Give yourself time and take care - Barbara