Hi all

i apologize because i know this is off topic, but i feel really secure on this forum and would rather post here then try to find another forum i can trust.

Very long story short :

My Dad died Jan 26 at 84 years old , we just had his funeral Yesterday Jan 31. It was cancer and i took care of him until the end, which caused me to lose my job, but i dont care he was worth it.

my question is. I cant get any happy memories into my mind, just horrible visions of his death. And although i know he is dead, i watched him take his last breaths, i dont feel like he is dead, i still feel like i could pick up the phone and call him. Illogical i know but i dont know how to get my head around this.

If anyone has any wisdom about losing a parent, any ideas or suggestions, i would really appreciate it .

Also his 85th birthday would have been Feb 16, anyone have any ideas how to handle that ? Should i just go see my mom? What is the most appropriate way to handle his first birthday without him?

thanks in advance

amber

Amber,
First of all, please let me offer my sincere sympathy in the loss of your father. What a good daughter you were to sacrifice yourself for his care... he was so lucky to have you. I lost my dad, who was perfectly healthy when I left, while I was in Ireland on a vacation. I never got the chance to care for him in his time of need to let him know how much I did love him. I have no answers as to how to celebrate a birthday, etc. ( except for the fact that we are Irish and mourn in a "joyful" way, celebrating the life of the deceased, not the passing.) But I just wanted to post to show you support and pray for your strength during this difficult time.
Pat

Amber,
I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
I lost my father 8-yrs ago and his birthday is 16th of Feb.. Every year for his birthday, my sisters and I take a beautiful flower basket or a spray of flowers to put on his grave site. The first year was very hard as he passed in Jan. and then his birthday is in Feb. We took care of our father to the end.....NO Nursing Home for our precious LOVED ONE.



Wanda

Amber, please accept my sympathy in the loss of your father. I lost my mother June 9, 2003 to cancer at the age of 63 - which is way too young and way too soon for me but then it's always too soon isn't it? I must say that her loss was the most difficult event in my life. My father is still alive and is moving along with his life (******, etc...) but for my sister and I it is not quite so easy. We miss her terribly just as I know you miss your father. I too had only the bad thoughts constantly running through my head the first 6 months or so after she passed. I had dreams of her in the hospital and in the hospice facility. I was really anxious to have some positive, happy dreams of her so that I could have confirmation that she was happy and in a better place free from cancer and pain. It took a while but eventually I did start getting "signs" from her that she was with me and looking over my sister and I. I knew she was in "heaven" or "the other side".... It takes time to heal Amber so allow yourself all the time you need. Don't ever let people make you think that it's "been long enough". I went to counceling for a couple of months and it really helped. For me the grief really kicked in around the third month after loosing her. The first few months were filled with that feeling you described - feeling like she was still here but in the hospital and going through the motions of settling her affairs and receiving calls from concerned friends and loved ones. Once all of that settled down is when the grief hit me - like a ton of bricks and that's when counceling began. I just needed to hear that what I was feeling was "normal" because sometimes I felt like I was going to loose it.

Again - I am so sorry for your loss and all that you are going through. Loosing a parent is a very, very hard thing. Do spend time with your mom and celebrate your father's birthday - his life should be celebrated! For my mother's birthday - every year - I buy some beautiful flowers, light a candle and place her picture in the middle and sing "happy birthday" to her. I'm not much into visiting the grave site, I'm one of those believers that she isn't just "there" at the cemetary, but she's around me all of the time.

Take care and God Bless you and your mother....

Karen

Amber,

I have no words of wisdom ... both of my parents are still here but I did want to tell you how sorry I am. I will light a candle tonight in memory of your father.

Hugs,
Beth

Dearest Amber everything that you have said makes sence to me, it is ALL normal.

I know exactly what you mean about picking up the phone, i think its because unless they actually lived with you then apart from the fact that your heart and head know he has gone, he could still be at home, or would be at home if he was still alive. so in a way, it all feels like it could be normal.

Have a chat with your mum and talk about what she would like to do, im afraid for me visiting graves is out of the question, i dont believe they are there and if i were dead and visiting my family id rather be somewhere nice with them than a grave yard. but thats me.

What about a trip to the beach and have lunch or something.

Hope you find a job soon.

take care
Love Sue

thank you to everyone who responded, i truely need and appreciate them all

i have to admit im not doing much better at all. i have started having nightmares and he is always a zombie who does not know he is dead. its really stupid and i know he wouldnt hurt anyone so i dont know why i dream things like this

I guess my question is, do you guys think people who have died realize they are dead? do you think they know they are dead and continue on, or do you think its like that movie the sixth sense and you may not know you are dead

also my mother claims to have felt my dad around, she apparently felt his presence and smelled him, which i find hard to believe but i dont think she would lie, has anything like this happened to anyone else?

Does your mom feel comforted when she feel/smells your dad's presence? I guess if you yourself are having nightmares those wouldn't be very comforting. Maybe that's related to the fact that you cared for him personally and part of you wants him to still be around, in whatever form - I don't know.

I think most people who are dead do realize it. My personal belief is that our merciful Lord welcomes them and they wouldn't want to come back for good, even if they could. I've heard speculation about how a person who dies suddenly or traumatically doesn't realize that they're dead, and maybe that's true - never having been there, and without evidence otherwise, I couldn't say for sure. But I just believe God wants us to be happy and safe on the other side, or in heaven, or in the afterlife. I think their spirits can and do visit and observe at times, so in my opinion it's perfectly plausible that your mother did feel and smell your dad.

I am sorry for your loss and your mom's loss, and hope you both will find comfort in the days and years ahead. I don't know if any of this has been helpful or not. I just think that there's probably a much finer line between this world and the next than a lot of us can comprehend. But the next world is probably a more welcoming and loving place than we can imagine. Best wishes and take care - Barbara

I am sorry to hear about your loss. It has not been that long. My father also died of cancer we spent the last four months of his life talking about alot of things. I quit my job to take care of him. My Dad died in 1996, I have just come to a place that I remember without pain. There will come a time I promise when your memories will bring you joy and comfort and not pain. They do live on in our heart and soul, we are a part of them....FOREVER!!!! God Bless you. Pamela

Hello, sorry for your loss. I have lost a brother in a car accident and I had a very hard time with his death. He was my buddy, my pal, my kick around with kid. We were very close. I felt tremendous guilt. I spoke to him earlier in the evening and he wanted me to go out with him. I had other plans and did not go with him. He was killed later that evening in a drunk driving accident with the driver a close friends of his surviving and basically left my brother to bleed to death. The death of my cat has brought up all thos feelings of guilt back by her dying alone. But that is a different story.

What I do to celebratet my bother's B-day is take him with me for an evening on the town. My friends are also there and we celebrate his life. We even open a beer for him his favorite kind sometimes durning the night and he has his own chair as if he is physically there. Usually durning the day I take him fishing or we do some other event that we use to enjoy. The whole day is spent in remebering the good times and celebrating his life. My brother is always with me in my heart and I keep him close to me in a old McCormick spice jar. (we split the ashes between many members of my family). We both loved to cook and he hought he could do it better than me. I felt that was a good place to keep him i the end. Sometimes in is in my office on my desk, sometimes I leave him on the table. As odd as this might be I enjoy it when a new person comes over and picks up the jar off the table and starts to play with it. I kind of laugh inside and think of the times we use to play as children and the pranks we played on each other as adults. It a prank we can still play together even though he is still gone when I tell the unsuspecting person to put my brother down. It always brings on good conversation and makes me feel that he is still here and enjoying my life with me.

Celebrate your father's life with all the gusto of yesteryear.

Marie

Thanks to all who have cared enough to reply, i think its great your willing to support me even though it was my dad and not a pet. All of your kind words and thoughts are deeply appreciated.

Life is going on , thats about all i can say about the loss of my father. I feel really depressed and i still have trouble remembering anything good. I have found myself saying things he use to say, i dont know why, i think i just want to find someway to keep him alive.

I know i am his best link to earth, i obviously have his DNA and he lives on through me. I'm currently planning grave site decorations for him, he was in the Navy so they actually bought him a free headstone for being a World War 2 Vetern, and my family is having a huge one with his photo on it made.

I guess the Big one can go on the head of this grave, the Vetern one at his feet. i think he would be very proud of that headstone and i was very happy when hearing they would pay for it for his service

So im basicly planning some rocks , those nice shiny white ones or maybe some little pebbles i dunno yet, and i know im going to find some Angel statues, the place where he is buried is REALLY ugly, but my dad did not want to be in a well kept up cemetary, he said he didnt want Lawn mowers running him over everyday LOL so he is in a country cemetary which i find totally dirty and unkept, so maybe i can brighten the place up

I had one other question for you guys, i am married but i dont have any children, when i do have them someday, they will not get to meet my dad, does anyone have a good idea how i can capture who he was for them? has anyone else had this problem?

i find it really distressing because i was born when my dad was 61, (my mom was 36) and i never met any of my grandparents, i always felt so cheated, and now my children are down atleast one grandparent. So any idea's of the best way to capture his memories are appreciated.

just thought u would like a update, and i needed to type, sorry its not that cheery

as far as my job goes, i contacted Tmobile, thats who i was working for, and they said i could come back, but i would have to be retrained since i missed the last month and i was on my final two weeks of training when my dad started getting really bad and i had to leave, so they said they would call me and let me know when i could come back, when they had decided what week i had to retrain from, but they never called me , and its been like nearly a week, so i think its a lost cause, ill keep u updated though


also to MissingB , your story about people picking your brother up, had me in tears laughing, thanks LOL

So i find myself back at this forum. its been just over 6 months since my dad died. I honestly feel no better. i guess that shouldnt surprise me since its been nearly two years that picasso my dog died and i dont feel better about that either .

i guess i should say straight forward to anyone reading this i dont have any real point to posting, im just up at 2:39 am because i cant sleep. ive been put on a medical leave from my job because im losing weight and not sleeping, suffering from exhaustion and anxiety my doctor says.

i guess im here typing because i have no one else to talk to, sad i know but i feel very strange talking to people i know in person about the topic of death.

I think the reason im so guarded is ive tried to talk to certain people and they never understand. Partly because they have no spiritual beliefs, so when im looking for spiritual answers they are useless, and partly because they were not close with my dad.

I guess the real reason im here besides venting,( and im sorry to whoever is reading this, thanks for listening) is i wonder if its suppose to be this bad losing a parent. i know its not gonna be a walk in the park for anyone, but just how miserable can one person be and for how long ?

its been 6 months and ive just started losing weight about a month ago, i guess ive got so down and depressed it started to take a physical toll, i dunno they did every medical test and all came back normal, so it must be mental .

just for the record ive never had mental problems, or anything even close in the past but i feel like im on the verge of offing myself or having a total mental breakdown has anyone else exprienced this ? also i wonder is the extreme weight loss ? insomnia ? just part of grief and if not and how do you get it to go away?

i dont feel my dad should be dead, and it really hurts me and bothers me the way he suffered, the sheer amount of pain he had to go through. i guess i dont know how to forget the bad things and focus on the good, because no matter how i try everything comes back to he is gone

my life just feels totally without meaning. no matter what i accomplish in life he wont be there to share it, he will never know my kids, i will never buy him another christmas gift, i guess i feel very much like there is no purpose to being around

i understand these thoughts are wrong, and dangerous, and i do my best to just tell myself that my dad wouldnt like what im thinking, and that its a mortal sin, that you have to just go on and wait and see what god has for you to do , however i just dont care at the moment

at what point do you think all of this goes from being normal grief to being crazy and on the verge of losing your mind and soul ?

does anyone have any suggestions how did you get over the loss of such a important person? how did you come to terms with the finality of death. ?

im sure i sound very crazy to all of you, and i apologize, i just cant get past this it seems and i need help, any ideas will be appreciated , and please anyone that thinks im just insane just dont post a reply because i really dont have the time for it, i dont want to hear negative comments because i cant take judgement right now so be constructive or leave it alone

thanks

amber

Hiya Amber,

Throughout the whole post i have just read it screams at me you need help, you cannot do this alone, you are going to have to find a professional to talk you through the pain and grief.

Sure i know 6 months is not so long but just by posting what you have on here is you crying out for help.

Ask your doctor and others if they can recommend a therapist, i personaly would recomend Reiki but you would have to find someone that had counceling qualifications as well as, you need to be able to talk this through with someone and Reiki is great for helping with emotional issues.

My dad went through years of pain too, he had three amputations and finally his organs just packed up.

Then i lost Sadie and had to have Jude put to sleep, finally i just couldnt cope i was heading for alcoholism but luckily found spiritualism in the nick of time.

Reiki was my great saviour.

Try to find a local spiritual church too as they give healing free before or after each service, you can stay to the service or not as you feel.

Please go and see your doctor too and get him to recommend a therapist if you can find one your comfortable with they really can do wonders.

Love Sue

My Dad has been gone 13 yrs and it has been a rollercoaster for me. He was my heart.
The first everything were so rough. At the time I was a cake decorator and having to write happy birthday Dad, happy father day ect set me off into tears. I had bad dreams where he was in the casket and alive and I couldn't get him out.
For me everything is pictures. I found a family member with pictures they copied for me, and I have always been a camera buff. My youngest grandson is 2, and he knows the picture is Poppa Chuck.
As much as we miss them and want them with us , they are in a far better place and they are waiting for us. I talk to my Dad every day, I know he is here. Some days it's about how much I love him and whats been going on. Some days it's not so nice because I cry and blame him for leaving me and for leaving me with her. I love my Mom , but when I was younger we didn't get along. I got married at 17 to get away from her. Now I am living with her as she has the onset of dementia and can't live alone.