Ive had my boy 'Broccoli' (Barkley) for 13yrs now. I got him as a kitten when he was 8wks old. Just prior to that I had taken in my very first kitty, she was a stray and I had her for 1yr before she 'escaped' out the back door and never came back. She was a black and white short haired domestic kitty. Enter, Barkley...I was heartbroken about losing the stray kitty I had, that I went out to the Humane Society and found myself a black and white short haired domestic male that looked just like her, this was Barkley. I was 25yrs old when Barkley came along. He was my little friend every day since. He went through all of my 'trials and tribulations' in life with me, and no matter what, was always there, through the good times and all the bad, and loved me unconditionally as I have loved him. He grew up to be a big 'fat boy' as my mom called him! I called him healthy! He was always a large cat with beautiful clean black and white fur and a pink nose! This past Dec 2005, one day I took a good look at him and noticed he had become a bit on the thin side. I chalked it up to possible 'older' age, but thought I would take him into the vet for a check-up. Good thing I did, it was discovered he had kidney disease. One of his kidneys was only functioning 1/4 of its capacity. To treat this, I had to give him a saline IV once a day for about 10 days to see how he responded. Well, I had the vets office to the IV's for the first few times, he behaved very well for them and sat still. So here I thought it would be a breeze! NOT! As soon as he was in the comfort of his own home where he was 'boss', he responded in no uncertain terms that he was NOT having a needle stuck in him! Well, we fought this for a while, me getting frustrated and wanting to be gentle with him, the vets office taught me to have a tight firm grip on him and with practice I pretty much got it down. I HATE sticking a needle in his scruff, I would of made a terrible nurse..the idea of sticking ANYTHING with a needle makes me cringe. It hurt me more than it hurt him!!! It took about 5mins if he somewhat cooperated to get the correct amount of fluids in him. I did this daily in the bathroom with the door closed so the chances of escape were ZERO! I told myself and him that we had to do this to keep him healthy and hydrated and it would be ok. Approximately 10days later, I was getting ready for work, walked out of the bathroom and saw him standing there frozen. I called his name, he wagged his tail so I knew he heard me, but he stood there like a statue. He walked to the hall and somewhat collapsed. He looked terrible, so I rushed him to the vets office. Upon examination it was discovered he had an enlarged spleen, a slight heart murmur and borderline anemic. They treated him with what they could, recommended exploratory surgery to see exactly what they had. Financially this was going to be something that I probably couldnt do. They gave me some meds, told me to continue the saline IV's as he would now need those for life because of the kidney disease. I took him back in a few days later, another vet had examined him and the xrays. It appeared that he had a tumor in his intestinal track that was growing rather quickly and didnt appear to be operable. His age and kidney disease would put him at a high risk factor for recovery. After lots of crying and trying to accept the inevitable, the vet told me it seemed to be progressing rapidly and that he may have a few weeks left. I also noticed Barkleys respiration had become more rapid than normal, the vet said his body was compensating for the low red blood cells his body was producing due to the anemia. He is breathing normally from the nose/mouth, his body is just using more energy. Ive been dealing with this reality for a few weeks now and am trying to face it. I cry almost every day and am scared to get up in the morning and find him gone. Im up every few hours during the night checking on him. He has lost more weight, he is tired and his eyes have lost their 'light'. He isnt eating well and Ive had to 'force feed' him to be sure he is getting food. But, he is getting up and down and moving around, uses his litter box, still begs for 'people food' and loves to go outside, goes down the stairs and rolls around on the sidewalk in the sunlight! When I try and bring him in, he growls at me! Which is a perfect sign that he is still somewhat feeling like himself!! He loves being outdoors, I use to allow him only on the fenced in back balcony. Since discovering his illness, I now let him roam around outside and I follow closely. He has been trying to get out that front door for 13yrs and now he has his wish. I give him anything he wants to eat (suggestion by vet at this point) , at times he turns down 'people' chicken, turkey,beef, ice cream, milk, or sometimes he will just pick at it. What cat turns down chicken?? Sure sign he really isnt himself. I pamper him uncontrollably, really as I have all his life. He has his blanket on his own part of the couch,cat toys and teddybear with the heart that I just gave him, and a smorgasborg of food anytime he wants it, and all the love I can possibly give him. I work nights and was scared to leave, I didnt want to come home and find him gone, going alone in the dark with no one there. The thought makes me cry everytime. I have 2 other cats that keep him company I know, but the human contact is what I worry he will miss. So I now have my boyfriend who works days living here, he takes the night shift when Im at work and spoils Barkley as well. I feel much more relieved now that someone is always home with him. The vet says the day will come where either the tumor will break and cause instant death or I will have to make the decision to put him to sleep. I always prayed that he would go to sleep and God would take him. Who am I to make the decision whether or not to take his little life? Everytime I think of that I cant stop crying. I do know that now he isnt in any pain and still has some of his normal activities. They arent to the fullest extent that they used to be, but I know he is still enjoying his days. I know that now isnt the right moment, as long as he is moving, enjoying the outdoors and eating, drinking water and hissing at me, all is still good, at least today. One day at a time is all I can do. is all he can do. Im not missing a moment that I have with him, I dont want any regrets, Ive called into work a few times, but I had to go with my heart and know my days with Barkley are numbered and I will never get them back. I dont know how Im going to deal with this, I cant imagine being without him, I havent been without him for the last 13yrs. I figured I would have him till 18-19yrs old, as they say indoor cats have longer life spans. Never did I expect this. He is my family member, he is my child, Im single with no kids, he is my everything! I look in his eyes and know the time is near, I just dont know how Im going to decide what to do? Will I know when that day is here? Will he tell me? Thinking of driving him in the car to the vet to end his life pains me beyond belief. I dont want to make that decision. Do I have someone else take him? Will I regret that? Do I hold him and kiss him as he passes away at the vets office or do I leave knowing I will completely fall apart? What do I do and will I regret whichever choice it is? I hope God takes him when its time and it wont be up to me. All I can do is pray. I also hope there is a kitty heaven/animal heaven where all of our beautiful souls go to and that we will see them again. And finally, he got the nickname 'Broccoli' when he was little, one of the little neighborhood girls couldnt pronounce 'B A R K L E Y', so she called him 'B R O C C O L I'. So he has since become my little Broccoli!

Nice Pic!

My heart goes out to you as you deal with all this. It is obvious that you love Barkley with all your heart.

You are doing all the right things. He's getting any food he wants to eat, he's going outdoors and mostly he's getting all kinds of wonderful love. Speaking of going outdoors, I did the same thing with my sweet Little Girl. She had been indoors, but when I knew her time was almost here, she and I went outside together daily. For awhile it breathed new life into her. She treasured her time outside and I was thrilled to be able to give her this gift.

Have you and your boyfriend talked about "the decision" and when you'll know? I think you'll know partly because you will probably sense when Barkley is in a bit of pain---or you'll see that he can't eat much at all---or some other sign.

When his time does come, can a friend drive you while you hold Barkley? That's what I did with my Little Girl. I talked to her the whole way to the vet. At the vet's, I wanted to hold her also, while they put her to sleep---but it's fine if you don't, too. Everyone is different with how they feel about this (I remember reading a lot of posts about this in the past, on this site, that you might want to check out).

And when sweet Barkley's time does come and he leaves his physical body, he will be fine because his soul won't be aware of any physical or emotional pain--and the painful sense of separation that that brings (unfortunately you will be the one bearing the grief ). To him, it will seem like an instant before you join him. In the meantime, know that if the roles were reversed, you'd want Barkley to be able to live out his life. He wants the same for you.

You are a wonderful wonderful Mom!

Keep in touch.

Hugs and prayers,

Kathy

p.s. Barkley is handsome!!!!!