I was fooled into thinking that I might be able to function yesterday until I realized that instead of being heartbroken, I was angry. The unbearable sadness has returned today and I just keep looking for Rusty, expecting him to walk into the room and jump on my lap. I want him back so badly and yet I still struggle with believing that this entire nightmare is real. I keep trying to attach a picture of Rusty so that I can share his precious face with all of you but I just can't seem to make it work. I am in so much pain right now.

I was able to add the picture...

I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I lost my Suzie yesterday and I am also feeling terrible, cannot stop the tears. I wish I could be of some comfort to you, I understand the desperation.

I found great comfort in this: My Webpage

I'm so sorry about your loss.

I don't know if it would make any difference - when my Magic cat passed away just before Christmas, and of course I thought that was a particularly difficult time for any pet to die - anyway, the living room had to be rearranged for the tree anyway, so the chair Magic spent so much time in has been moved. For convenience' sake we haven't moved it back, and although I sit in the living room every night and "talk" to Magic, it has somehow been less painful to leave the chair where it is. Of course, wholescale furnture re-arrangement is inconvenient for most people, but that's one thing I've done which seems to make a tiny amount of difference. Otherwise, I'd be looking for Magic everytime I walked by the room.

The other thing I would say is that this whole grieving process takes time, longer than you'll think it'll take. And just when you think you have a handle on it, it will start hurting again. My example of this is that when Magic used to escape from the house (she was a very unwilling indoor cat) she'd always go to the sewer she'd lived in for years before we took her in, about 3 blocks away. So every night she did that (over the years, dozens of times, probably) I'd walk up there and walk up and down the street till she appeared and came up to me as if to say "Well, where have YOU been?", and I'd pick her up and bring her home. Sometimes I'd go up there 3 or 4 times in one night, in every kind of weather, till the wee hours, just to make sure I'd get her home safe. Since she's been gone, I have gone by that corner several times, and at last I thought I'd been able to think of it all as an amusing story which exemplified Magic's spirit. But last night I started thinking about it and started crying, and it hurt so much to think of walking up there and not seeing her trot out of the bushes or crawl out of the sewer. I even had the crazy thought of "If I go up there, maybe she WILL come out and come home again." Even though I have her urn of ashes on my memory shelf, I gave serious thought to walking up to that corner in the frigid weather at 1 A.M. last night, thinking that somehow, someway she'd come out like she always did.

This has been a long post (and thank you for bearing with it), but my point is that these things, and these thoughts and emotions, won't end entirely at some set point. Even though in my rational mind I know Magic is in a different place, and most days I think I've assimilated that fact and have started to heal, there are still times when the sadness is there and feels like it will never leave, because the remedy I want, for Magic to come back in her furry form, will not happen. The absolute acceptance of that fact, for me, is still not absolute and I don't know when it will be. So, while I have faith that that time will come, and logically I know it will, right now it still hurts, and I have to understand that at this point, 6 weeks out, I am not as in control of my emotions as I sometimes think I am.

I don't know if this will help, I'm not sure that anything I say will help, but please know, there's nothing wrong with you for fooling yourself and being heartbroken and angry. Every little glitch in your life is magnified right now, and that's normal too. Unfortunately this nightmare, unlike the more conventional ones, doesn't end when you wake up, it gets worse. But I really think that your love for Rusty and your desire to honor his spirit will get you through. Take care - Barbara

He is beautiful!

I feel so bad for you and can relate entirely. I'm doing some crazy things right now and have done this past week, struggling with the reality . I am so sorry you are hurting so badly .

A truly beautiful cat.

What a beautiful baby. I understand how you feel - I lost mine just yesterday. I keep looking for her to be on her favorite spot on the couch, and when she isn't I burst into tears. My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry for your loss.