Today marked 1 week from when I lost Fig, as I posted over the weekend. Today I decided to skip out on hard work and stayed in bed curled up with my kitty Bean until almost 8:30. I wanted to be unconscious during the 9 o'clock hour that I lost Fig one week ago, but alas, I am not good at sleeping in, so Bean and I did our best to cling to each other until the 9 o'clock hour had passed.
It has been a rollercoaster. I have read about the stages of grief and I've been through all of them a few times over. It's more like the cycle of grief, and I am stuck in it, though I need to cry. I have made progress in feeling less guilty, because having the ultrasound done was intended to help him, and it's standard procedure for determing the condition of the heart in cat's with cardiomyopathy.

I've been listening for his spirit and sometimes I feel it or hear it (I swear I could hear his deep purr in my right ear for about a minute the other night. It was startling).
Bean and i are still hanging in there, alone but together. I had to leave her alone for 8 or 9 hours at a time on Tuesday and Wednesday to go work in the woods. But today I decided to be here with her and work from home, though I've not been productive. I had to enter my work hours online, and it was hard to go back over the calendar and review what I've done each day this month, especially in the days that approached Fig's last, the 19th. Did I spend enough time with him? I keep wondering that. But the answer is a fairly obvious "yes"- I work from home, though I often spend a few days a week away from the house, outside. But in the last 6-8 months of his life, i was here in the office A LOT with him in my lap. And at my old job, I managed to get the priviledge to work from home a couple days a week. So he got a lot of my time and love in his short 6 years. I could never resist "The Fig". If he was there (and he always was, being my shadow), he got held or petted or we'd take a break to play catch with a ball. And we always talked to each other. He often kept the conversation going with coos and chirps and an occasional actual "meow". I miss that most.
Thank you for thinking of me and Fig and Bean and letting me know that I'll survive this. I've included a picture of Bean and Fig playing with a shoelace on empty bookcase shelves. Bean (Black Bean) is the little black kitty on the top shelf. Fig is the big guy who has caught the shoelace in his mouth. They always helped me move every piece of furniture around, and especially loved to play in empty bookshelves.
Chris in NC

Dear River,

My heart hurts for you, but please know your pain will eventually turn to smiles when you think of Fig. I'm sure you don't believe me, but I promise, it will happen. Don't beat yourself up over how much time you spent with him, etc. He knew/knows how much you love him.... you did nothing wrong and don't forget that!!

The photo of Fig & Bean is absolutely beautiful!!!

I'm so sorry about Fig. What a beautiful boy he was. I'm right there with you in the grieving dept. Lost my big guy Rocky (cat too) on Sunday Jan 22 due to CHF. It's just been nothing short of a nightmare. Haven't slept, I cry all the time (even here at work) and try to get through the days. I'm starting to feel some anxiety about this upcoming Sunday so I know exactly how you feel.
We'll definately get through this and just remember Bean is there to help you. I have my Fluffy girl (cat) and I have been leaning on her so much. Thank goodness for these sweet beasts!

What a great picture! And Bean is sitting on top of a book about birds, too, how appropriate. How is she adjusting now? I know what you mean about not being able to remember well in the days before and leading up to the loss of Fig. When I think back, I wonder what I did that day too, especially with Magic, and the crazy thing is, I really don't know. I know I played with her, because in the morning she always had her "crazy kitten" moments, but I don't remember every precise thing we did, and that has really bothered me. She loved catnip, more than any cat I every knew (which is saying a lot) and I feel bad that I didn't give her any the night before - I usually parcel out the "nips" every 3 days or so, otherwise the cats lose interest. Not Magic, though, and so I've felt really bad that she didn't have any that last night or day. Thinking about it now I feel awful.

I have made a resolution to spend more time with my other cats since Magic has been gone. I mean, I spend a lot of time with them anyway, since I'm a stay-at-home mom due to disability, but now I look at them and think that I want to remember every single thing I do with them from now on, forever. Well, logically that's not going to be possible, but I'm going to try. And take more pictures of them. I guess one of the biggest impacts of losing Magic is the realization that one day, every one of my pets will leave me, and if I'm really feeling depressed, that thought overwhelms me. But if I'm in a more optimistic mood, I'm just determined to make their lives as memorable as possible. So there's my roller-coaster. I wonder if it'll ever end.

I just thought I'd check in about how Bean and I are doing without Fig. Bean is delighted that my mom is here. When my mom got in last night (she flew down to visit), she scooped up Bean, and Bean sighed and settled into her arms with her chin nestled on my mom's arm. It brought tears to my eyes to see her relax so completely. She seemed relieved. I think my sadness is causing her some tension, so to have a relatively happy, unaffected person (my mom) show up was a great relief to her.
Today my mom and I spent a lot of time and a bit of money buying scrap book materials for a Fig scrapbook. We started putting some pages together, and I've had many prints made. I have written down so many memories of him this past week that I am going to type some up, print them out and stick them on pages in the scrap book. It was not entirely a soothing exercise. Some of the pictures of him just cause my heart to ache. I've been through the disbelief phase of grieving a few times mtoday at least. With my mom here, we've been sort of busy (mostly with scrapbooking), so it was some distraction. But mostly I just wanted to sit quietly and think of Fig. There will be more time for that when she goes home because my husband is still away on his trip. It's just that on these days when I'm busy with other things (work, visiting with mom) I worry that my memory of him is slipping. I am constantly "placing" him in my mind to reassure myself that I've not forgotten him- that is, I "place" where he'd be relative to where I am in the house. For instance, if I'm sitting at the kitchen table, he'd be sitting on the floor beside me with his weight shifted to one side watching me sleepily. And if I'm walking into the bathroom, he'd be racing by to jump in the tub and beg for water.
I've kept Bean close to me by carrying a soft ottoman around to whatever room I'm going to be in for a while. On Wednesday, I was working in my office in a sunbeam and put the ottoman in the sunbeam so she could "melt" there beside me. Then this evening we were making the scrapbook in the kitchen, so I carried it in there and she laid there next to the kitchen table on her throne. I was happy tonight to see her finally jump up into her cat tree for the first time since Fig died. She romped around a little.
Well, it is late. Tomorrow (today since it's past midnight) is my birthday. I don't anticipate a very happy one, but at least I have my mom and my little girl Bean here to be with me.
Chris