I wondered if anyone has any words to help understand why the tears just seem to go on and on and on

I find this insight from www.griefshare.org a wee bit helpful; hope you will too ...

(I've written these words a second time, for people who might miss the other post )

Understanding Your Grief Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is the cost of loving someone.

Since grief comes to everyone, why do some people seem to work through it better than others?

"Some people think that going through the losses or crises of life are the exceptional times," says Dr. H. Norman Wright.

"I see it differently. I see the times of calm as the exceptions. Life really is going through one loss after another, one crisis after another.

Grief Is a Unique Experience You may feel it is useless to talk about your grief because no one truly understands what you are going through.

"You sometimes feel after an experience like this that you're talking a foreign language," says Dora, whose daughter died. "You feel like there's no way anybody can know what you're feeling. There is absolutely no way anyone can know the depth of your pain. So you feel like it's futile to talk about it because words can't express the pain."

Although countless people have experienced grief before you, each person's response to grief is different. Your path of grief will be uniquely your own.

Grief Lasts Longer Than Expected Grief's unexpected turns will throw you again and again. You may feel that for every step forward, you take at least one step back. The grieving process generally takes longer than you ever imagined.

Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary.

Unpredictable Emotions The unpredictable timing and odd combinations of emotions that hit you during grief can leave you confused and despairing.

"My life was totally flipped upside down emotionally, in every way you could think of," says Sue, whose husband died.

"My emotions occurred spontaneously, and sometimes two or three at the same time," says Cindy, whose daughter passed away.

Although there are stages that are common to the process of grief, they do not occur in a predictable order. Your emotions will be random, sometimes overwhelming, and completely unique.

"Whatever your emotions lead you to feel, it's okay to feel how you're feeling," says Randy, whose sister died. "I think there are several emotions people are going to go through that are beyond their control."

Your emotions not only hit hard, but they can also occur at unexpected moments, which makes the impact seem even worse. Being aware of the unpredictable nature of your emotions will help you stand firm during each new barrage.

Grief Is Disruptive Grief affects everything you do. It can disrupt every aspect of your life in ways you might not expect.

"I don't think I had time to think because psychologically I wasn't with it," says Nancy, whose husband passed away. "I would do stupid things. I would be coming home thinking I was on X Street, and then I'd realize, 'Well, I'm on the wrong street.' It was dumb things like that."

Identify Your Losses One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss. You will miss so many qualities and facets of the person you lost that each will become an opportunity to experience grief.

The range of things you need to grieve for may surprise you. Identify your losses and be prepared to grieve for each one.


Use the list below as a starting point.
• your companion
• your child or baby
• your encourager
• your "entertainer"
• your source of delight
• the one who shares your private jokes
• the one who knows you so well
• the shoulder on which you cry
• the arms that embrace and comfort you
• the one who always cheers you
• your friend
• your pride and joy

Losing a Part of Yourself The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.

Dr. Jim Conway, speaking of the death of his wife, says, "When Sally died, it was as if someone took a giant samurai sword and just cut me right down the middle. I kept asking myself and God, 'How am I supposed to go on with one leg, with one arm, with half a brain? How am I supposed to do all of this?"

Take care,

marlene

Marlene,
I wanted to let you know that through the past several weeks I've read what you've posted, and I appreciate it all. It's very kind of you, in the midst of your own grief, to find words to help others. I've often wondered why (Why did this happen? Why my cat? Why me?), and sometimes the only answer I can come up with is that this experience helps us reach out to others and maybe give them a moment of calm in a storm of emotion. Anyway, I wanted you to know, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I thank you for the moments of calm your words have given me. Take care - Barbara

Dear Barbara,

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words - you don't know how special it is to hear that some of my ramblings are bringing a 'moment of calm' into the turmoil of somebody's else's grief! I'm really sorry for your loss too

Like you I really admire the strength and ability and compassion of other mourners on LS - to be able to write words which have brought so much comfort to me; when on the inside they're being torn apart with pain.

I can also relate to what you wrote about wanting to be able to turn the total and abject pointlessness of your loss into something that can bring help or comfort to others. I think this is the natural 'outworking' of the real and deep bond of love we have with our precious ones - it's sort of like they 'taught' us how to love, and now want us to carry on this 'work' for (and with) them, for the time being This thought makes me laugh!!! Wee Toty - my ..... boss!!! Apologies If I'm branching into silliness now!

Thanks again for your uplifting note, Barbara,

Big hug

Marlene

Ps I haven't been reading the posts for a while. I can remember being helped by your words too tho, thanx - I'm sure they're comforting others also

ImissToty,

I'm sorry you are still hurting so much. I miss my Toffee, too. I haven't posted on this site for a couple of weeks...

I was starting to fall back in to deep grief again. The only way I felt I could go on without my little one was if I knew that he was happy and safe where he is now. So after 4 long months of crying and missing him I decided to make a phone appointment with an "animal communicator" that looked very nice and "normal". (Please email me if you would like to know the one I used.) I had prepared a long list of the questions I wanted to ask my Toffee, including what he remembered during our last day together: what was he feeling, what were his favorite things to do and eat (these questions confirmed to my heart that we were reaching Toffee), also where is he now, who is he with, does he have a message for me...

I honestly felt like my grief healed over night. She said Toffee was around the house a lot with me and slept with me at night. The dreams I've been having over the past 4 months started to make sense to me. I would strongly suggest for you all who are aching to connect with your babies again to at least consider trying this. We are connected to the ones we love and they are trying to help us heal our grief. They do love us and when we start thinking of them they are with us.

I didn't want to be sad forever. I want to remember the happy memories and feel close to Toffee again. I do now - although I wish I could hug him in my arms too. I Love You, Toffee - sweetheart. Run, play and be happy baby, until we are together again.

AngelBaby,
I read your post with interest, cause I'd never heard of this kind of thing before. I don't know if I'd ever do it, but it's a fascinating idea nevertheless. I guess I sort of assume my departed pets are with me - occasionally one of our cats looks intently at something that isn't there, you know what I mean?- and we tell each other that "Oh, she's seeing Heidi" or "Heidi must be here again." I think it's a valid theory, and I'm very glad it's helped you so much. And I'm sure Toffee is glad to know that you know she's there. Take care - Barbara

Marlene,

I know exactly what you are going through. I can't stop crying over Jake.Toty knew that you loved him, and I believe that he is still there with you. The insight that you have shared helped me--and I think it has helped everyone that reads this. You have brought so much comfort to us all here at l-s. Thank you.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
San