Saturday Jan22nd we lost our little baby Holly , she would have been 13 in May, after she fought so hard with heart disease. I miss her sooooooo bad we have known for months she was losing her battle but it's made it no easier.
And her lifelong companion and son is pining so bad for her it's heartbreaking.
She was so beautiful a tiny little Toy Yorkie and we love her so much.
Thankyou for this forum I really need to write down the words, this is all I can manage for now but it helps.

I am sorry that are hurting so badly. You are hurting because you have loved, and that is the biggest hurt of all. Even when you have an ill pet and are "expecting" bad news, the loss still comes and catches us off guard because we have that bit of hope inside that everything will turn out okay. When it doesn't, the grief hits us like a truck.

Holly had a good life and had a lot of love. I am sorry there is a hole in your heart now. Grief lessens with time, leaving a wistful, nostalgic feeling because we never completely get over missing them.

Thankyou Deedee for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

The guilt is setting in.
Holly was sick for three days before she left us, I spent not 15mins away from her in those days and nights, hand feeding her and carrying her everywhere as her stomach had grown huge with the fluid around her heart. She ate from my hand and seemed peaceful and slept alot cuddled into me. She had a gasping attack Saturday morning and recovered from it and then slept peacefully. My heart was breaking trying to make a decision on whether to let her go or not. She had another gasping attack at 2pm and I vowed that when she recovered from that I was going to call out the vet to come to the house. She didn't recover and I feel so bad inside that she had to go through another attack. I hate myself right now.

I am pleased in one way that we had those three days of constant cuddling and talking but I wish we could know what our babies want. I feel as though I failed her.
And I love her so much, why , why wasn't I smarter, stronger, something. I just know I should have acted sooner
and now it's too late.
I appreciate finding this forum so much, to know others understand just how intense the grief is, is a big comfort.

Good Evening ~ I just read your heartfelt post. I am so sorry for your loss. There is such honesty and love there.

I too have lost a dear sweet pet ~ actually 2 of them in 2005 ~

The most recent loss of my angel CC was so devestating because I was caught off guard with the sudden onset and lethal levels that his illness was at before I ever knew ~ I would have done anything for my Buddy boy and then to find out he would not live through the day if they tried to operate ~ and if they did not he would only last weeks and during those weeks would have gotten so ill and been in so much more pain and suffering ~ I had to trust and believe the Emergency Vet and the ultrasound/blood work etc. Intellectually I knew that he could not survive ~

But during the last months since his death I too have felt that I failed him in some way ~ I have been driving myself crazy with these thoughts ~ Yet when I read your post I realized that by seeing how much you truly loved and gave your heart to your sweet Baby ~ and should never feel that you failed her ~

So in seeing that for you I am also able to maybe see that now for myself as well ~ I send you comfort and hope that you will find peace. It is through this peace that you will again let your spirit return to your heart and be filled with the love that your sweet Baby has for you and will always have now and forever ~ You gave the greatest gift ~

Love ~ and in the final hours that is the thing that mattered the most. The love goes with them and then they send it back to us 1000 fold.

Thank you again for posting tonight ~ May You Tread Lightly Upon Your Path and May the Wind be at Your Back ~

I really think that when our pets leave us in this world, they go somewhere and are somehow aware of what we've gone through and the decisions we've had to make. Since they know we love them, they must know that the decisions we make regarding their health were based on love. So many countless pets don't have that blessing at the end - a loving mommy or daddy whose decisions are based on concern and caring for their pain and lives. Maybe it's just an attempt to rationalize feelings and events that seem to have no positive outcome, but I've been comforted by the thought that the spirits of my departed pets somehow understand without having to tell me, as they did before they left.

Take care, and know that these days and weeks ahead will be difficult, but you aren't alone. We understand, and most of us have been there and done things in that out-of-control shocked state that sets in when you've lost such an important being in your life. And Holly understands, too, I have no doubt. So take care and let us know how you're doing - I extend my deepest sympathy - Barbara

Thankyou so much I'm so pleased to have been able to help you , so very pleased to know that my post brought you some comfort. And know that yours gave me the same feeling as reading what happened with you I can see that you, in no way failed your baby



I have cried a river this past week and lost alot of weight too, as I still have that "tight knot" in my chest. But today I felt a little better, well more numb would be the correct phrase I reckon. And I have to try and concentrate on my other little one who is missing her so much. He is so lost and confused right now. I'm sure my crying isn't helping him at all. He is twelve and I am terrified he will pine so much he'll make himself ill.
I'm so sorry that you have experienced the loss twice in one year, how very very sad.
Finding this place has been a Godsend to me. I feel peaceful when I come here, I will be coming here often I think. Thankyou all for being here.

Thankyou Barbara, I also feel they know our hearts and how much we love them, it helps a great deal to know others feel the same and it's not just wishful thinking on my part.

I absolutely believe they are watching over us. I had an experience as a child that leaves me in no doubt that there is an afterlife and spirits can and do return.

Today I have been able to think of my baby as she was before she became ill. Up until today I have not been able to see anything other than her little face as she was gasping for air, the look in her eyes like she was reaching out to me to help her and I couldn't do anything but cry words of comfort and stroke her.


It's going to take me a long while to get past that memory, it's still very vivid but today I also saw the good times, how funny she was and the two of them playing and the occasional squabble I had to separate

Thankyou for being here!

The first day or so after Heidi passed in 2001, on my bed, I could hardly be there, thinking, as you did, of her crying out to me and gasping, and being able to do nothing but pet her and tell her it was okay for her to leave, that I'd see her on the other side one day. I think, I hope, I was some comfort to her, because she was always such a needy, shy cat, and it's bothered me a lot in the intervening years to think of her crying. With Magic - 6 weeks ago - she curled up on the couch and passed quietly and I never even knew till I went to find her for her dinner. That picture has haunted me also, that I wasn't there at the end, but maybe that was what she'd have wanted - she was a very independent soul. So, at the beginning, those last views of my pets seemed to dominate my thoughts initially, and I had to really make a conscious effort to stop thinking about the end and focus on other more comforting visions. (Including the many, many squabbles I had to referee, for both of them - those are much happier thoughts!)
Thank you for being there also!

I guess there just is no easy way for our babies to leave us Barbara, your post has shown me that. When I knew Holly was in her last days I prayed she would go peacefully in her sleep but now I see that too can bring it's own painful thoughts.

I'm so sorry you lost your babies and I am trying to do as you did and make a conscious effort not to think of the end but to focus on the nearly thirteen years I was so blessed to spend with her. I wouldn't change that for the world, her love and companionship truly was a blessing I will cherish forever.
The house is so quiet without her, her little boy is not the same dog he was before she left us, the noises they made together are no more and I've never known a dog be so depressed, I pray to God that this will pass for him and he will return to his normal boisterous self again.

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that in time you find peace. In finding this website I know that I have been able to find a little bit of comfort knowing I'm not alone in my suffering. I hope you feel this way as well.

5catsmom - I was so interested in reading about your cat Magic passing away and you felt so bad you weren't there. I never thought of it that way. It really is a contradiction isn't it. We want so badly for our companions to pass in their sleep, hopefully not to feel anything, yet we feel robbed for not being there to see them through.

Thankyou Phinny.

I really don't know how I would have coped this past week if not for finding this place. I am so thankful I did.

Hi Phinny,
I never thought about Magic's passing that way, and you're right, it is a contradiction. I've thought about it some, and I think what bothered me most about the difference between Heidi and Magic's respective passings, was that while I knew what Heidi was sick with, and kinda knew what would happen, I never really knew what happened with Magic. Heidi was older - 17 - had CRF, and had been getting fluids and seeing the vet for months, but Magic was young and playful and hadn't needed to see the vet in awhile. Of course, now I feel bad and think I must have missed something wrong with Magic, but her end seemed painless and peaceful, and in the end that's what matters. Part of my individual grieving process after losing Magic has been the utterly amazing realization that no, I do not and never will have the complete control over my pets' lives that I would want. The loss of control, and not being able to fix something as easily as I feel I should have been able to, has all tied in with my grief, and giving up that illusion of control has been a real life lesson. Having experienced losing pets both ways has been an enlightening experience - not one I'd wish on anyone, but I've learned a lot and found people out there who really, really care. And in the end, grief is grief, and while each loss is individual and heartbreaking, there are common threads there too. And while we sometimes think we're all alone in our feelings, there are people out there willing to help us with their insights and compassion.

Missing her so badly,
I feel as you do that coming to this site has been a Godsend, and I never come here when I'm not comforted in some way. I read a lot of interesting things and feel blessed that even during traumatic and painful times, there is a community of people who seek comfort in trying to give comfort (if that makes sense). Our pets always knew how to do that instinctively, I think sometimes that may be their greatest legacy to us humans. (If only we were more like our pets!)

How very true!

5catsmom - I can understand your point about Magic, never seeing it coming. I certainly can understand about the control issue too. That to me is what really gets you. Like with Rocky, I kept thinking if I'd only done more, why didn't I see this before. Why couldn't we just give him a new heart. On and on. It's not being able to stop what is indeed the inevitable. You just feel so helpless too because we are dependent on other information such as the vet, the reports, the x-rays in order to make what we hope is the right decision.
I feel the real eye opener for me is seeing how many people have lost their pets and are truly suffering. I didn't realise until I found this site how many people really love/loved their animals. Of course when it's your pet that's died or dying, all you can see is your own situation. But having this site has been a godsend for me as now I can see I'm not the only who grieves for their loss but thought of their pet as a friend/companion. Sometimes I think I'm nuts because of all the feelings I have, almost as if I've lost perspective on the situation. Coming here has helped so much and I hope I can pass on a few nuggets on to others as well.

Please forgive me for resurrecting this old thread of mine but we lost our Sam, Holly's son, this past Saturday to heart disease also and once again dealing with total devasting heartbreak. Please say a prayer for his sweet little soul. He would have been 16 this month. He was my baby, friend and loyal companion.
RIP Sammy, You're now with Holly.we love and miss you both like you'll never know!!

Thinking of you and sending prayers for you and your sweet Angels Holly and Sam. Together they will be watching over you, always with you in your heart and soul.

Love and hugs Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Thankyou so much Jan, Angel and Pixie, that means alot to me.