Even though he was in my life a short amount of time (less than 1 year), my heart is filled with an overwhelming pain and sadness now that he is gone. He was scheduled to go to the Vet today to be neutered so that we could keep him indoors all of the time, but we lost him yesterday and I blame myself. He rarely went outdoors during the day and yesterday when I saw his cat friends from the neighborhood outside, I said we should let him out so that he would be tired and sleep at night since he had to stay inside all night. I knew the moment that I suggested it that it was a bad idea, but I let my precious little cat go out anyway. I called for him repeatedly and he would not come home. Then my husband who was returning from the store, hit him with the back tire of the truck. He did not even see him. I know my husband is devastated even though he keeps his feelings inside.

I am beside myself with pain. I did not go looking for Rusty, he found me. I was on a walk with a friend of mine and we heard crying from a ditch. It was Rusty. He was such a scary looking little kitten with the loudest meow I have ever heard, but he made his way into my heart where he will be forever.

I miss him so much.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you feel guilt about letting him out, but it was an accident. It was too short of a time that you shared with Rusty, but it was a lifetime. You gave him a great home and a lot of love. Please try to let go of the guilt. It comes with grief, but serves no purpose. I have let my cat into the back yard because she cries at the door. I stayed out to watch her, but she has taken off into the neighbour's yard. Many of them love it outside; we let them out to be kind.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. Rusty had a good life during the time he was with you. Hang on to that.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."

I'm sure Rusty astounded you with his love day in and day out and that he felt the same way with you.

I know he was young; but remember, I bet he was more loved and cared for than a lot of cats who live to be 20.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Rusty - it sounds like what happened could have happened to so many of us at some time or other, and in fact it has. Guilt is such a strong and pervasive feeling, but usually doesn't really lead to any constructive results. Some of us dwell on it to the extent that everything else about a short life is pushed aside, so please don't let it do that to you. You sound like a very caring and loving pet owner, and that makes you a special person who will honor Rusty's life. Take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing - we care - Barbara

Thank you so much deedee and Distant Shoreline for your kind words and understanding. The pain I feal inside is almost too much to deal with at times, I am simply overtaken by grief. It is such an enormous comfort to me to read your kind words. Thank you.

Barbara, thank you also. I have never experienced a loss such as this or the pain that comes along with it. I am hurting a lot right now and I know that it will get easier to deal with the pain eventually. I am trying my best to take care of myself, but there are just certain times of the day that are so much more difficult than others. Thank you again.

Yes, I know how that is. The first several weeks were almost unbearable for me, and I thought nothing would ever be right again. I was surprised and more than a little angry at myself for not feeling better sooner, and my family wondered if I'd ever be the same again. The grief is like this dark cloud that no matter what you're doing or thinking, keeps getting in your face and obscuring how you look at the world. And the tears and fatigue (grief is very exhausting, such a sustained emotional turmoil takes its toll) and guilt seem like they'll never go away. And in some ways it doesn't really, but in time you'll find that the warm and sweet memories are more and more in your mind. I also found that there are some really good books out there on pet loss. But at any rate, this period of time you're going through and your feelings are very natural. I hope you have some good family support, cause that makes a difference too. Honestly, if it weren't for this forum I don't think I'd be where I am now emotionally, so let us know what's going on. Take care - Barbara

PFG,

I've just read your story and my heart goes out to you PFG :-(

I know the pain you're going thru is just ripping you in pieces - if you can, try to keep tallking and writing and crying and screaming (or whatever) it out! Try to hold onto the fact that no cat could be more deeply loved or more happy than Rusty!!! He's 'moved on' to the next phase, and you WILL join him when you 'move on' too

I can imagine it must be a nightmare for your husband too right now (he must be feeling cut up with the guilt of not noticing Rusty when he was in the truck!) He'll probably be feeling bad that he can't 'be there for you' right now I'm sure he wants to be.

I've been working my way thru the pain by doing lots of talking, talking and more talking; also praying and a few other more expressive ways of emotional release!

I hope and pray that you'll have a friend or relative who can be a listener and a shoulder for tears and arms for hugs for you over the next few days and weeks. You need to take time and allow yourself to work thru this pain you're feeling We all promise you and it's true - the pain WILL ease in time. Keep on posting here as much as you need to!

Maybe you can find the strength to reassure your husband that you don't blame him for Rusty's death, and know such an accident could happened to anybody (I made the mistake of my life by giving my beautiful hamster a 'treat' which caused him to choke - every day I battle with guilt and every day I have to forgive myself, cos I know he needs me to do this :-)

Please keep us posted on how you're doing and be really gentle with yourself,

Remember, Rusty loves you so much ... keep receiving all the love he's sending you ...

Love Marlene

I am just so thankful that I have a place where I feel like I am allowed to feel the way that I do. My parents do not understand, my friends, for the most part, do not even like cats, and my husband is dealing with his own grief (which only seems to be intesified by mine). My husband broke down in tears last night as he was cleaning the litter box for our other cat.

I am trying so hard to stop crying right now, I am supposed to volunteer in my son's classroom in a little bit and I JUST CAN'T STOP CRYING!

Thank you all so much for just being here.