It has been 2 weeks and I am still overcome with unbearable pain. My little chihuahua Pumpkin, who was my constant companion for 5 years, died 2 weeks ago today. She was only 7 and died suddenly while sleeping in my arms. She had been vomiting since morning, but I called the vet and she wasn't concerned since there was no fever, no diarrhea , and no abdominal pain. She died that evening while sleeping. I miss her so much and feel guilty that I didn't know how sick she was... It was my responsibility to take care of her and I somehow let her down... She loved me more than anyone ever has in my life, and the emptiness is so overwhelming. I am all right at work, but dread to come home. It is a fresh blow to see her missing...I would give everything I have if only she could come back...

Dear Running Place:

I am very saddened to hear about the loss of your Pumpkin....

Please do not think that you let your lil' Pumpkin down....you took care of her for 5 years....Your sweet Pumpkin knew how very much you loved her...

I am glad only in the fact that you found Lightning Strikes; though I'm sad that you had
to find us at all. It has been 2 weeks that you have been without your girl, physically.

Please know that she is in a better place; where there is NO suffering, NO sickness...
She is well.... and, having fun getting to know all of the furbabies that have gone on before her.

Just know that, although Pumpkin is not physically here, she is really just a thought
away. Close your eyes, and just "be with her".... Sometimes that helps me..

I am very sorry; Yes, seven is too young...much too young; but, I wonder, perhaps she had a viral illness, your vet thought that with vomiting, there might not be anything
worrisome going on..


You didn't let your little girl down, for you did not know how ill she was....I don't think that any human being would know she was real ill, with only vomiting to go by....

And, seeing that she was young, I probably would have perhaps thought it to be a virus.
I wish I knew so that I could make you feel better, no one really can be 100% sure..

I am very sad that you are sad.....but, the only positive thing I can at all find, is that you
somehow found your way here..

We all know how you feel; for we have lost a very, very special furchild of our own; some as recent
as yesterday.....myself, since 2/7/2004...
But, one thing remains is that WE ARE ALL HERE FOR ONE ANOTHER....
Please remember that!!

We are all (any of us), just a PM, or e-mail, or "add reply" away...

And, we are all here for you..

God Bless you!!

Peace,
Denise (Ernestine's mom)
p.s. The one thing that YOU HAVE THAT NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY IS YOUR WONDERFUL
MEMORIES OF PUMPKIN.... THEY CAN NEVER BE TAKEN AWAY....
Hold all of your precious memories close to your heart..

Dear {{{{Running Place}}}},

My heart is there with you in the loss of your precious {{{{Pumpkin}}}}. I am SO sorry for the huge huge pain in your heart.

Please believe this: It wasn't your fault! You did call the doctor, and you listened to what they said. Very possibly, any doctor would have had the same response, but some illnesses just can't be diagnosed---even if tests are run, and even then many things can't be cured---and it's times like these that I wonder if it was "their time" to leave their physical bodies for some reason. And you spared Pumpkin from having to be hooked up to IV's, tubes, etc. In 1998, my 3 1/2-year old kitty Mariah left this world after being hooked up to tubes for 3 days..... then was euthanized..... I felt so horrible words can't describe.

Your Pumpkin knows how very very much you love her!! And she loves you equally as much. In the realm she is in now, she's having a really blissful dream and has no concept of time or space (anything I've read about life-after-death says this, and I also heard it personally from 2 reliable sources. I truly believe it). It will be like the blink of an eye ...and then YOU'LL BE THERE WITH HER!! What a reunion it will be!!! So she really is fine--she knows absolutely no emotional pain. She wants the same for you--to be able to find peace. If it was you who had passed on, you would not want her down here on earth, suffering indescribable pain.

My precious almost-17-year-old kitty, Little Girl, passed on this past Wednesday. She has been the absolute love of my life, and I SURE do know what you mean about coming home. Sometimes it feels as though I'll suffocate as I look for her sweet face to greet me at the door (and yes, I too would give everything I have if I could have her and Mariah back with me). Thankfully, my boyfriend Harry has been a huge support. And how thankful I am for this community of compassionate and understanding parents. Please hang around here. We will be here for you--round the clock. Someone is usually on or is about to come on and will see that you have written. We truly know your pain and we're thankful to be able to share ours with you.

Much love to you,
Little Girl's and Mariah's Mommy, Kathy

I am so grateful for the support I have recieved here. Almost a year to the day before Pumpkin died, we were spending a weekend in Albany and her trachea collapsed. She nearly died but was saved because of a wonderful 24 hour emergency clinic in Albany. I now wonder if a miracle occurred then and I was granted another year with her.... I am grateful for that year, but wish I could have had many more years...
It is a beautiful sunny day here in upstate NY after a long hard winter. My grief is still so fresh that I can't seem to appreciate it... My house is a mess, but I can't get myself motivated to accomplish anything. Weekends are definitely the hardest, and I almost look forward to going to work tomorrow.
I really want to believe that time will lessen the pain...

Dear Runningplace:

I don't know really about the collapse of her trachea, almost a year to the date, but
really, it does make one wonder........that you were given an extra year with your Pumpkin.....

I don't know what your beliefs are, but I believe that, "only God knows...."

I remember clearly, (too clearly), the first couple of weeks that our Ernestine was gone, my head
hurt, my heart hurt, my mouth hurt.....every single part of my body hurt.
And, like you....doing any type of housework was put on hold....don't worry, it'll get done.....
Right now you have to concentrate on yourself and your well-being... That is for sure!!!

Just every part of my body hurt.....I just remember an intense headache (migraine), and my heart felt
like it was ripped into 10 trillion pieces; jagged, at that.... I could not function!!!!!!

Honestly, the time does lessen your horrible pain.....and, it anyone would've challenged that,
IT WOULD'VE BEEN ME!!!!!!!

I swore up & down that NEVER, NEVER, NEVER WOULD I LOVE ANOTHER ANIMAL INTO MY LIFE.....
ONLY TO LOVE, AND THEN TO SUFFER BECAUSE I LOST.....?????

I couldn't fathom.... I was 23 when I bought my lil' girl for $10.00, and 43 when she was put to sleep....

But, four weeks to the date that our beloved girl Ernestine was put to sleep (that was on 2/7/2004), on
3/6/2004 Ben & I went out to adopt two new furkids at the shelter......

Needless to say, I know that our Ernie would be proud that we took these two beautiful souls home to
take care of.....

(Ernie's 2 special toys are in a drawer....they cannot be shared yet...not at all)...They're Ernie's toys right now.

They wouldn't have had a chance, if not for coming here.....and, though, we've never had two kitties at
one time....it is a challenge.... One needs to be "top kitty" I guess.... But, we do love them so much!!!

Believe it or not, and if you believe me, one day your tears and heartache will turn to maybe 1/4 of a smile,
then a 1/2 then a whole smile.... Maybe some laughter injected in the smile.... Honestly...

I, myself wouldn't have believed it...I had to experience it for myself...

I know you had mentioned in an earlier post that you could pick up your house....they'll be plently of time for
that when you feel better.... Don't worry...
I let everything go...including myself...

I walked around in a catatonic state...just a "daze"... I did come out of that daze, but really, it did take awhile....

If you need to cry and let your pain & suffering out, please do....if you're at work and need to excuse yourself to the bathroom, that's fine..... Just, don't "stifle" that huge lump that might be in your throat...
Tears certainly, for me, were the way to healing...that's for sure!!! And, also this site... If I didn't have these wonderful people to write/e-mail to, and my boyfriend's arms to fall into, I don't know where I'd be right now....

Things got better. I know that Ernie is without pain now....we don't hear her violently retching any longer; which
had to have been so painful for her, not to mention just to listen to..She was just soooo sick!!!! (just stomach fluids)..

We had prayed for the Good Lord to please take her, but we had to have her put to sleep. She lived a good, long
life......I always pray that I did the best for her, for I loved her so very much....

Right now, she is over Rainbow's Bridge, and she's A-OK.... Meeting all furbabies who have gone before her, and I
hope she's greeting all the new furbabies who are just passing over......

She's my beautiful Angel....and, she was my very best girlfriend....

Please keep in touch and let us all know how you are doing...Okay?? I care...

Peace & Love,

Denise

Dear Runningplace

I'm very sorry for your loss. When I first lost Megan, I was just lost. I found this site and the people here have helped me more than I could have ever hoped for. I was so consumed by my grief that I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me. But then this site let me know that it was OK to be upset.

For along time I let myself just feel grief and then one day I was thinking about Megan, she hated it when I was upset and would not be happy with all of my crying. I also wanted to enjoy my memories of her and celebrate her life so I just let go of my guilt and started to focus on happy things. I have pictures of her all over the place and now smile when I look at them. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and I miss her so much, but she was sick and I absolutely did not want her to suffer anymore, I would rather live without her than to have her in pain.

The days will get better, it will take time..how much time no one knows, we all grieve differently. Beth gave me the best advice when she said to focus on happy memories, it really helped me. And when I get sad I think about how she would just lay on the couch hardly able to move, the sparkle gone from her eyes. Although I don't want this memory forever, it helps me to re-enforce that I did make the right choice in putting her to sleep.

I wish you happier days,
Tracey

I am going to try to look at pictures of my sweet sweet Little Girl today and maybe pick one out to post here. (I say "try" because sometimes I'm too afraid of the grief to be able to do certain things). It's been 5 days now since she passed... And during the 2 weeks before that, I cried a whole lot and prayed desperate prayers that she would recover.

During the times when I just can't face the pain, I watch movies (the Lifetime channel has come in handy) and certain other TV shows. I really need that escape. And when each day comes to an end, I remind myself that I made it through another day. I can never predict what emotions each day will bring. I'm just trying to face the journey, ever so grateful for the company of all of you.

I my Little Girl more than words, images, or feelings can express.

Little Girl's Mommy, Kathy

You say you feel as though you "Let her down"??? You were very worried, you sought medical advice, you held her in your arms.... How did you let her down?

There is a time - a moment for all of us - when what happens is taken from our control and given over to a greater power. When that moment comes, for all of us, there is no "letting them down". There is only "letting them go".

I know, very vividly and painfully, exactly what you are feeling. Emptiness, a sick, almost panicky feeling. Sadness, the tendency to burst into tears, and nothing - nothing nothing nothing seems to be worth doing, or worth making an effort for.

But remember - your little one didn't spend her life sitting, pining for something she didn't have. She isn't GONE - she is in your heart and in your soul. Her spirit lives on, around you, in all the things she loved. Cookies? The warm sun? A bouncy ball? A warm hug from the one being she loved more than anything?

Let her down? You gave her a home, made her safe, loved her so much that her loss is almost unbearable... But you WILL bear it. You will come out of this with a stronger, more loving heart. A heart and spirit capable of looking into another's grief stricken eyes and knowing how to make them feel better. A heart and spirit that will live the rest of it's life having had the love of a pure, wonderful little being - with no strings attached.

And some day, a long time from now, after you have lived a full and wonderful life that she, watching you from above, is proud of - you will join her and never be parted again.

Until then we, your friends, are here for you - day after day after day - until the pain begins to fade a bit and you start to feel the strength of spirit that is the true gift of a fur baby's love.

Hugs.....

Grief is such an unpredictable emotion. I lost Pumpkin almost 3 weeks ago and have been feeler better, even though I still can't bear to look at her picture.
Then last night in the shower, I started sobbing and could not stop. I wept most of the evening, and this morning I feel very depressed and exhausted again...
I wonder if anyone else here has their grief hit them in waves that you don't see coming....
I could not have gotten as far as I have in my healing without this support group. thank you so much...

{{{RunningPlace}}},

Yes, this has happened to me. It's been 9 days since Little Girl's passing... I start to cope better and then, out of the blue, I'll be crying uncontrollably and just can't stand it that she's not here physically with me!!! I want to hold her, to look into her sweet sweet eyes, to see those eyes light up and see the spring in her step as she walks toward me when she sees me peeking around the corner of the hallway for her.

After I lost my only-3 1/2-year-old Mariah in '98, I remember the grief and tears coming in waves, usually out of the blue. And I remember that I couldn't look at her picture for a long long time. I don't know why I'm able to look at Little Girl's so soon....

We're all with you! Write any time, share your feelings... That's what we're all here for.

Hugs and love,
Little Girl's Mommy, Kathy
p.s. Off-topic: I don't know how my last post got here in your topic. I meant to post it in a different category. Whoops!

My experience (thus far), has been that I remember vividly, about two weeks after
our little beloved Ernestine was put to sleep....
I thought....
Okay, I think I feel fine now...

Even started a topic on here, something like, "Grieving is so Individual"...
I thought I was fine.

But, the wonderful people on here showed me/told me that,
"watch out"...... Very sad feelings have a way of coming back,
especially, when you least expect it...

Even though we adopted two new furbabies one month after Ernie was gone,
sure, I miss her -- I miss her very, very much....
She was MY GIRL!! My best girlfriend!!!!
For 2 months shy of 20 years!!!! What a gift!!!

I hadn't cried in awhile, until I read the post entitled, "Ole' Tin Can"...

I cried, and I cried hard....but, they were tears of absolute joy...

I know Ernestine is in the greatest company, where the sun always shine
And, there is NO MORE PAIN!!!! NO MORE SUFFERING!!

It felt good to cry--I'll never forget my girl..
WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN, FOR ETERNITY!!!!

I remember, quite vividly - standing in a bar and bursting into sudden tears when the song "Nobody Knows" came up over the sound system. I walked to the door, hailed a cab, went to my hotel, and sobbed myself to sleep on the top of the bed in my clothes.

That was just one week ago. My guys passed on almost two years ago. Grief is a strange thing indeed.

But I'm still here and they are free from pain. And I don't feel quite so empty and my new furry one makes me laugh and my heart almost burst with happiness.

Dear Runningplace,
I am very sorry for your loss of you Pumpkin. Grief is strange and very unpredictable. In time you won't cry so much or so often, but you will still cry. It has been since November since my Mittens was put to sleep, but just the other day I was in the bathroom and I looked down at the box that she used to scratch in(I cannot bear to get rid of it) and I thought how terribly I missed her and wanted her back.
Unfortunately, our furry little friends are very adept at hiding how they are feeling, and by the time you find out there is a problem, it may already be too late. My beautiful girl had emphasema and only had 50% lung capacity at the end. The only reason we found out that there was a problem is that she had a severa asthma attack(also something I didn't know about) and took her to the vet, they took xrays and showed me the film and told me about her lungs. I was mortified.
The morning after we put her to sleep, I was home alone(my husband had to work) I was devastated and reaching out for some kind of lifeline...I found this place and it helped.
Keep coming here. We understand and can offer comfort and support.
Hugs
love, Janice