On March 23, 2004 at 10:00 am Smokey, my boy, died in my arms at the vets. I never imagined that you could feel such overwhelming pain. It feels like my heart was ripped out. I can't stop crying. Everytime I think it is going to get easier, the feeling of loss and grief comes back like a wave.

On Thursday March 18, I came home after helping friends move and my boy met me at the door as he did for 12 and a half years of being with me. I picked him up, all 18 pounds of him, gave him a hug, kissed him and felt an overwhelming feeling of love for him. I told him I loved him very much which I did all the time. We continued our routine for the night. Every night as we went to bed and the lights were turned off, he would get under the covers and I would hug him to me. I would rub his chin for a bit, then he laid his face in my hand and that's how we fell asleep.

On Friday I noticed he was having problems going to the bathroom, I watched him and prayed alot. On Saturday, March 21, I took him to the vet where he had surgery. They called in the afternoon and told me that everything looked good and Smokey would be coming home on Monday. I was ecstatic. My boy was coming home.

On Monday March 22, I received a call at work telling me that he took a turn for the worse and he will have to stay in hospital for at least two more days. The technician who called me said that his bladder was the size of a grapefruit and he didn't pee much on Sunday and was not producing too much urine.

I went to see him at lunch, just to be with him. He looked sleeppy but happy to see me. He tried to purr when I held him in my arms with the catheter and IV tubes coming out of him. The doctor was encouraged that he purred and moved around a bit.

At 5:45 p.m. on Monday they called and told me that his blood work revealed that he was having kidney failure and other levels were way off. I can't even remember what they were right now. The vet told me I had to make a decision for him.

I went to see him at 6:00 crying all the way. He looked sleepy but not in pain. I couldn't do it. I asked if anything can be done to get him well. The vet told me that he may not make it through the night but if he did than maybe he would get better. I hugged and kissed him and told him how much I loved him and miss him. I asked him to make it through the night and to fight to get better so he could come home. Crying all the time.

On Tuesday, March 23 the vet called and said that Smokey made it through the night, but he was worse and that I needed to make the decision. I drove to the vets crying all the way in agony.

They brought my boy in and I knew I could not let him suffer a second longer. I told them to give him the shot right away. They asked me if I wanted to spend time with him while he was still alive, but I couldn't watch him suffer like that. I held him in my arms as he took his last breath.

I know I did the right thing by not letting him suffer, but it hurts so much. I have never ever imagined there was pain like this. I miss him every second and miss holding him in my arms. He was with me for 12 and a half years but it seems so short. He was ALWAYS by my side. When I was sitting, he was on my lap, when I was gardening, he was beside me.

It's been a few days since he left, but the pain is as bad as the day he left.

I try not to blame the vet because it's too late, my baby boy is gone, but in the back of my mind I'll wonder if after the surgery if they had put the catheter in right away, he would be alive today.

Smokey's grieving mom.

Dear Smokeymyboy's mommy:

It doesn't get easier at all, no, not just yet....not for awhile!! And, I'm sorry for the loss of you
Smokey; terribly sorry.
The pain is OVERWHELMING, and it hurts, it stinks & it will for a long while!!!

You did all you could for your Smokey, and God wanted to take your Smokey to Rainbow's
Bridge where there is no more pain for all of our beloved furbabies.. (our furchildren).

Everyone here will grieve and cry right along with you, as I will myself..

The time that we have our beloved furfamily members IS ALWAYS TOO SHORT!!! That's for sure!
Your Smokey was family....

It's common that you want to blame yourself right away; we always wonder, "what if's", "If only's", etc.....

"You took on Smokey's pain ..... so that he could be without pain...."
someone on the site said that to me when my Ernestine was put to sleep 2/7/2004.

She was so tiny from being ill - God & St. Francis were calling her home....
She's there now....I know she has her wings....

Yes, you did the right thing....You took on Smokey's pain....

It'll take a long time before you feel well again....Just please keep coming here to this family
for awhile at Lightning Strikes...we all know what your going through -- we all comfort one
another..... WE WILL BE HERE WHEN YOU NEED US..

Love, Denise

Smokey's Mom,

I know the pain you are feeling right now by not having your Smokey by your side. You absolutely did the right thing for him by not letting him suffer any longer than he needed to.

Smokey knows you were doing your best to get him well and back home with you where he belonged, but that terrible Kidney disease just took over and his little body couldn't fight it anymore.

My Dusty passed away from the same thing 3 weeks ago today and I still grieve for him daily. After loving someone for so many years and having them share every part of your life... be it good or bad, it's just hard to imagine going on with out them! I'm so sorry your having to feel this awful pain that we all know so well. Go ahead and cry your poor little eyes out, it will help you heal your soul.

Smokey is still everywhere you are... by your side... on your lap...please believe that. You may not be able to see him, but he's there... his spirit lives on inside of you. You shared some wonderful years together and you need to treasure them and let them help you get through this pain.

I know you want to blame the vet, but his kidneys were failing and his poor little body could no longer function that way. It's okay to be angry, just know that little Smokey thanks you for stopping his pain and now he's healthy again just like he use to be. Remember him that way... that's how he would want you to remember him.

(((((HUGS)))))
DustyLove

Thank you both for your words of support. It helps me deal with pain just knowing there are people out there who understand. I don't have to explain why I fell this way and how painfull it is. Thank you.

Smokey's mom.

It's so sad to lose a furbaby. I too know the pain. I lost my sheltie of 12 years to congestive heart failure. But, you got to be there when Smokey passed! My little sheltie couldn't make it for me to be there. The vet said he'd die before I made it, and it would be horribly painful for him to wait. So, I told them to put him down. I wish everyday that I could have held him one more time. Be thankful that you were there with him. I'm sure he was comforted to know that you were there for him. We all know the pain you are feeling right now. Please understand that it is ok to grieve over your lost loved one. We all have done it here. Smokey is up at the bridge now, running with our loved ones, and ofcourse my Zipper is there with Smokey. My Zip never did understand that he was a dog. He liked cats, too. Please be proud of your Smokey, and how brave he was. He is proud of you for being so brave for him. Please come back here when ever you need to, we will all be here. Read some of our stories, and you will know we understand you and your grief. We will never think you are silly for any of it. Just read my posts in tributes and poems. I'm really obsessed when it comes to my Zipper. Take care, and give yourself big hugs...Zippers Momma

Smokey's Mom,

Oh how I share your pain. I just went through exactly what you went through on March 11th. The only difference is that my vet was NO help. My Vernie girl died in my arms at home, with no answers as to why. She was also 18 years old, so most likely her little functions stopped functioning, but I'll never know. We also had routines that I crave to do one last time. We were also inseparable and I long to hold her just once and feel her snuggle. I know the emptiness that you must be feeling - and it is SO strong.

We are all here to help you because we all share, feel, know and accept your pain. Come back often. We need you too!

Stephanie

{{{{Smokey's Mom}}}, My heart is aching for you. I lost my almost-17-year-old Little Girl at 11:30 am on March 24th and the pain is unbelievable. And back on July 13th, 1998, I lost my 3 1/2-year-old Mariah (I am mentioning her now because "the end" reminded me of Smokey's a bit). She spent 3 nights at the hospital, with me visiting as often as they'd let me, then when I visited on the 13th, I was mortified to see how absolutely sick she looked, and I frantically said they had to put her down instantly. Like you, I couldn't stand another moment of her suffering. I held her as her earth-heart stopped. I had so many regrets--like not taking her in sooner to be seen. In my grief I wrote her a letter, pouring out everything to her--my regrets, my love for her, etc. ...I KNEW she had heard me and understood. She told me everything was ok and that took some of my pain and started the healing.
And for her and Little Girl and Smokey, everything IS ok--they're in complete bliss and know no sadness or emotional pain. They don't even miss us because there is no time or space... missing and sadness is for us still trapped here on earth where there is the concept of time and space. Their spirits are all around us because love connects us. It will be less than the blink of an eye for them before we will be fully reunited with them.
I am SO glad you are here. I spend a few hours each day on this and another grief support group. The pain is so excruciating it's like a nightmare and I need to be with others who are going through the same thing...others whose worlds came screeching to a halt like mine and yours did. It's amazing how being here for each other allows us to become stronger, one day at a time--sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. I still can't imagine life actually going on. Todayhe weather added to my sadness. It felt like spring today, and that depressed me to no end because Little Girl had been waiting impatiently for spring so that she and I could go outside and walk in the sun among the bamboo.
I just want to be with my Little Girl. I left the house today for the 1st time since ...that day... Coming through the door was scary and empty (she and I had our routine, too... her tail would pop straight up, she'd prance toward me to rub on me, then she'd throw herself down on the carpet for a tummy rub. The whole time we'd exchange kisses and I'd tell her that my love for her gets stronger every day and that she's the love of my life. etc..)
Keep coming here. The pain in your heart will lessen, even though it's hard to imagine right now.
Hugs and love,
Little Girl's Mommy, Kathy

Thank you all who have sent me a note of comfort. Your understanding is soo helpful.

Kathy, (Little Girls Mommy) I feel exactly as you do. The missing of the greeting at the door is awful. The first time I had to leave I was almost afraid to come home and as soon as I walked through the door I burst into tears and cried my heart out. So don't stop yourself from crying especially when you remember something that she used to do. I found it hard on the weekend to cope with the loss. I was the same as you, depressed seeing the spring comming. Smokey just loved the sun and especially going outside when it starts getting warmer. I try and comfort myself by remembers all the happy and love filled years we had and not remember him going. It helps if I talk to him or just even say his name out loud.

The first couple of days I couldn't even say his name to friends without crying, now I'm starting to share stories about him, what he used to do and how much he meant to me. It helps. I also started an album of him which I look at constantly. Everytime I look at his pictures I remember when I took it and how I felt then.

Kathy, hang on for a little longer, eventually the pain is not as sharp and debilitating as it is at first. You still hurt and you miss your baby but then you start thinking of how lucky you are to have spent these many years with them. Heck, lots of marriages don't last that long.

I feel very fortunate by being able to find this site on the net, especially at the time of my grief. I found it the day after Smokey went to sleep and it helped to know some people understood our pain.

So again, thank you soo much to everyone who wrote, your support helps me to deal with Smokey's loss.

Smokey's Mom

I wanted to share a picture of my boy (hope it works). We were outside enjoying a summer day, in this picture Smokey was just calculating how best to get on my lap, which was his usual resting place.

If he looks kind of unusual in his coat that's because I used to give him a "lion" hair cut. He absolutely loved it. When that razor was turned on he came running. I miss him so much.

Is it normal not to have any desire to eat or do anything? I need to start packing because I'm relocating homes but there is absolutely no drive or desire to do it.

The grief came again, like a wave.

Smokey's Mom

Ooops a little big. Let's try again. I hope this works

Smokey's Mom

Wow -- Smokey-- What a precious precious boy! Thank you for sharing his picture with us.

You mentioned that another wave had come. I sure do know that feeling. One minute I can be thinking that I'm "making it and just may survive this" .... and the next something will send me into a panic and despair.

Thank you for being here with me. Share any time.

Much love,

Little Girl's Mommy, Kathy

Hi Smokey's mom:

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BOY......Love that coat!!!!

I want to let you know that after my Ernie was put to sleep on 2/7/2004....I couldn't move.
I was paralyzed.... If I wanted to move, I couldn't...
I didn't want to eat.

My head hurt like the most violent migraine anyone could have.
My mouth hurt.....all my smile muscles had dystrophied.

And, my heart was broken into 3 trillion jagged pieces.

It felt like someone took a 7" jagged, serrated knife & didn't just jam it in my chest,
felt like it was twisted round & round........ Like death!!!

My heart just ached....I felt sooo alone, even with my beloved Ben...though he was
always close by to comfort me....

But, dear God, I missed my baby girl.....I Know, I know....she was 19 yrs & 10mos... Long
life --- I've heard it all!!!! But, we grew up together.... She was my best friend...

Yes, it's okay not to want to eat, and not to want to move....

After two weeks, I thought, "gee, I feel great". I'm all healed........ YEAH, RIGHT.....
Went right back into mourning severely....

The only advice I can give, is perhaps for your Smokey, try your best & put one foot in
front of the other...... (I know you said you were relocating)......
He'd want you to....

I learned through Ernie's death is that, "I don't have to "feel like" I want to do anything; BUT, I
NEED TO GET SOME THINGS DONE....." So, I had to find that inner strength & move!!!!

But, please eat....you need energy to move.... Don't forget that!!!

I just have to move.... One toe at a time... Honestly..

I will keep you close, and in my prayers....

God Bless you Smokey's mom...... Perhaps, just make a little list.... do 1/2 hrs. worth
of work & rest for 1 hour.... something like that..
I did that...I had to make a game out of it.....

Love, Denise

Dear Smokey's Mom,
Your boy is so beautiful..and I am so very sorry for your loss. I am crying all over again at my own loss and for you at the same time. I re-live losing my Mittens every time I read about someone else's loss. I feel the same pain as you, and everyone else here feels. I feel like I am losing her all over again. It is so hard to see them at the end and know how terribly they are suffering. I am glad that Smokey recognized you and tried to purr for you. That is good. My sweet girl didn't seem to see anything or even realize that we were there with her.
I am sure that MIttens and all the other fur babies mentioned here were waiting to greet Smokey at Rainbow Ridge and show him how wonderful a place it is. I'm sorry....it's hard to type and concentrate...I keep crying.
I still hope when I open the bathroom door in the morning to come out and get dressed that my sweet girl will be there sitting on my side of the bed purring like crazy waiting for me.
Keep coming here whenever you feel lost, everyone here understands what you are going through and will support you. This place is the best.
Hugs to you, Smokey's Mom and to everyone else.
love,Janice