My baby boy....I know I tell you this every night before I go to bed, but I MISS YOU so much!!! I cry constantly, will it never stop? It has been 3 months and I so hope you are looking down on me thinking I am ridiculous. I still have your bed tucked away in my closet, so I can lay on it and smell you.....I have your fur in my jewelry box and your pictures everywhere. But I just want you. You were not a dog, I know that....you were my family. I just refuse to accept that I will never see you or smell you or touch you again. I am so sorry about your last day, I thought I would be easing your pain, but your passing seemed even harder for you. I hope you forgive me, I have to believe I made the right choice for you. As your best friend, I would have wanted you to do the same for me. But I hate myself when I think, I could still have you here maybe. I know you weren't the same and you were in pain, but selfishly I just want some more time with you....like the rest of my life. I have not let myself think of this until now, but I remember your mouth getting cold as I was laying on it and your eyes wouldn't close, they were cold too....I touched them and kissed them. Your dear sweet paws lost their warmth and life and I just laid and laid and cried for you. I would even give anything for that day back, just to lay on you again. My god, I hope you know I would do anything to have you back here and to take back my decision. Even if it was the "right " thing to do, I don't care, I need you baby boy. I hope you know that "Norman" is not a replacement. He is an aversion, yes I love him, but he is my dog......you were and are my family. I just couldn't stand coming into my house with no sound. Our new baby is about to come into our lives in March and she will never know you, but I promise I will tell her all about her big brother. Her name will be Maili Parker......yes she is taking your name as her middle name. I hope she will have the same great qualities as you and that your spirit is in her somehow. I pray everyday for that. Please come to me in my dreams Parker, just let me know you're okay......please.

Mommy

Lou Lou,
I woke up this morning and it is snowing large beautiful snowflakes. It is so hard when it snows......you were so funny in the snow. Kicking it up with your nose and somehow it had this magical effect on you, rearing you unable to control your emotions (just like after you took a bath)running around barking and acting crazy. I miss you baby so much. I just want to lay with you and put my arms around your body and kiss your ears and smell the top of your head. I find myself so depressed these days, I can't seem to do anything. Even when I do something supposedly that should be fun, I am on the outside looking in. I can't truly enjoy anything knowing you are not there to enjoy it with me or there for me to come home and talk to. Do you know, that even though Jer and I hated going to the farm, for some reason I always could look forward to it because I knew it would be a whole day of you swimming in the creek, running free and eating scraps. I knew by the end of that day, we would have to pick you up to get you into the car, because your legs would have given out from so much fun. It made my whole week, I felt like I had done you justice that week. So many of our walks were just for you, not because I felt like exercising......just because I knew you loved it. It truly lifted my spirits for the next day to know.....you were tired from fun. Little Norman now comes down into the office with me when I am working, just like you used to. That is nice, but I find myself loving on him and secretly wishing ti was you. That makes me feel so guilty, but I just don't know what to do with all the love that was always reserved for you. What I am going to do for the rest of my life without you to love? I truly don't know the answer to that question. My god, my body aches for you, my heart truly hurts everyday and it has been 3 months. I am exhausted and so very unhappy at a time when I truly should be ecstatic. Our baby is due in 3 months, and she will be your namesake. I just can't enjoy anything right now without you. Just know, that Maili Parker and Cole will always know and remember you. Cole still talks about you and just said the other day to Jer when they were looking at your stocking that he hoped you came home soon for Christmas. 3 years old and he knows the impact you have had on all of our lives. Your pictures are up and your memories will remain with all of us, I will make sure of it. I am so grateful that you were the first dog to teach my son what it is truly like to love. I hope he will carry your message into his adulthood and love animals the way they are supposed to be loved. He will remember you. I love you baby, kisses.

Parkers Mom,
Kerry

Kerry,
Whether Parker visits you or simply watches while you live your life, please know that his spirit is present. You can touch him in your heart. Death is a transition, not an ending. I think it is much harder for those of us left behind than for those who leave us for other adventures. May your pain lessen in time and the gifts of what Parker taught you and that you will pass on to others remain. <hugs>

Ken Albin

Baby boy,
I feel good today. I still cried and am sure will continue to, but I just read a book about a dog that brought back so many good memories about you. I finished it last night, and it ended the same as our story does. But it reminded me of some of your hilarious antics that kept me jumping through the years. You really made the most of your life. I hope I helped you do that. I visited the farm this weekend for the first time without you and my god was that hard. Everything there is you. I think I may have felt you there. I think I am going to take some of your ashes with me next time and sprinkle them in the creek that you loved so much. I swear I can't sit down and write to you without completely falling apart. As if you can and will read this. Everybody at the farm was so sad to hear about your absence......but we all wound up joking about how everytime you were there you would steal food off the counter. Grandpa would get so mad, wouldn't he?! Grandma always stuck up for you though. Hopefully now you don't have to steal any of your human food. I love you my precious baby. I am still hoping you didn't take the best of me with you forever. I am hoping I can have some of it back for my family. I feel like you created the best things in me, and when you left they forever went with you. I am trying hard to keep them in me, I know you would want that for Cole, Maili and your Daddy. Unfortunately, they haven't seen them since you left that day. I haven't felt them either. You were the first great thing in my life, before anyone else. I didn't ever know unconditional love, loyalty or someone needing me until you came along. Thank you for all of your lessons, but thank you the most for teaching me how to be a mother, a good one. I know you taught me that lesson. I attribute most of the good things in my life to you. Jer said he fell in love with me after seeing me with you and how I loved you. So....I guess you gave me him too. I hope I gave you as much in life.

Parker's Mom,
Kerry

Park,
Today is a bad day, it didn't start out that way but it is turning into it. I am painting the border on what will be Maili's nursery and I can't stop thinking of you and crying. Just to have you laying in the room with me would be the best I can think of. I know you would be laying on the floor looking up at me thinking, "what's going on Mom, please don't tell me we are having another baby"!! That makes me laugh, you were so tolerant though! I miss you baby boy, my life is so dark lately since you left. I hope yours is not. I hope you are swimming everyday, playing, doing the "happy dance" and eating everything in sight. It' s okay to steal food now if you want! Steal all you want. Nothing has gone right since you left. It really is true, and you know what that means I know you are watching me. I am trying so hard to come out of this for you, but my depression just seems to deepen. Will life ever be the same? No, I know it won't but will the new "normal" be even half as good? I hope so, because there are probably many years before I see you again. If there is any good in the world, I will see you again and feel your tongue against my face and smell your hair. Please visit me in my dreams. I love you.

Mommy

Parker,

Maili is here, she carries your name as her middle name. There is a light in her eyes that I know is from you. I miss you so much everyday still.....it has now been almost 8 months and I still can not move past this horrible grief. I don't think I ever will. I have yet to put your shadow box together because I'm afraid when I do, the outpouring of grief will just be too much for me to take. It would kind of be like closing a chapter, and I don't ever want to close that chapter. I still have your bed in my closet, and I still lay on it and cry. I have your collar and pictures and hair all set aside, I love having them....but they just make me cry. I promise to teach Maili all about you and to teach her my love of animals. I also promise to teach her how special she is to carry your name through life. It should give her strength to be her own person and not follow others. That is how you lived your life and it is a wonderful lesson for all of us. Are you having fun up there? Are you swimming everday? My god I hope so!! I hope you are eating steak for every meal and someone is loving you until I can see you again. We are all loving you from down here. Your sister Roxy is still not the same....she sleeps all the time and has just lost her love of life......like what I saw happen to you, but hers is from grieving you. I know it is. I so need to smell you and feel you and get a big kiss from you......can you arrange that? Do you have any pull up there? I could really use it, and I bet you could too. Well, goodbye my best friend.....you know I will visit you here again soon. Thank you for Maili and for the best years of my life. I love you forever.

Mommy

Reading what you feel about Parker brought back the pain and grief again of my sweet little baby girl (lulu, lucky, nono) who went to sleep on april 7, 2006. i almost can feel the heaviness of your heart. i don't have the words to tell you to comfort you but rest be assured that we are both still grieving for our sweet loving babies!

LuckyNono's mom

i don't know when this grieving process will be easier, but i feel like it gets harder everyday without her. I just want my baby back!

Baby boy,
It is one year next weekend.....I can't believe it. I still have the heaviest saddest heart in the world. It is becoming real that I will never see you again. The worst reality I have ever had to face. I can still smell you on your bed that is in my closet, I still lay on it and just breathe you in. It feels like that is as close as I can get and I hate it. Next week I will finally do your shadow box that I haven't been able to do, and I will look at your pictures and watch your videos. I know it will be torture, but I need to do it. I love you Lou Lou......Jer loves you, Cole loves you and your new baby Maili Parker loves you too. We miss you and I will be back very soon to pour my heart out again.

Parkers Mom

Good Morning Parker. Just wanted to tell you Merry Christmas and I know you were here with us. Santa Clause left a note in your stocking (which we still hang up) that says he sent your bone to heaven. I am quite sure you don't need bones up there....you probably get the meat. Love to you now and always. I love you so much and am hugging you now. Kisses.

Mommy

My Parky Boy,
My sadness is so heavy lately. I feel like I am back to those first few months without you. I need you here so badly. You truly are my one and only and I just want to feel your kisses and smell your teddy bear fur. I turn 35 this tomorrow and it will be almost 2 years without you in my life. Honestly, 2 of the worst years I have ever had.......everything has gone wrong since you left.......everything except the birth of our Maili Parker......she brought a much needed light. I feel like I can't seem to get a strong grasp of my direction or feelings anymore. Part of me wonders if I am being punished for making "the decision" that I thought was so right for you. If I could just look into your eyes again and feel that unconditional acceptance you gave, I know it would make it all better. I have this relentless need to adopt another dog, almost like it will mend something in me. We still have Norman and Roxy and love them both dearly......but for some reason I keep needing to be needed.....even though I have too much going on as it is. I miss you my foofi bear.......please visit me in my dreams and please swim, eat, run, play ball and love your life in heaven. It is what you deserve........I will continue to pray that I will meet you in heaven one day. Until then, I love you like no other......

Kisses,
Mommy

You are in my thoughts and prayers this evening. Blessings to you and your family.
Steve