Well, Before I start off I want to first say I have been reading all of your stories and I am truly sorry for the loss of all of your babies. You will all be in my prayers.

On July 16 2003 my mom and I were looking through a newspaper trying to find a shih-tzu puppy we could get. We found a woman who owned a kennel, and we went to the kennel the exact same day we phoned this woman with the puppies. Well, my mom and I went to the kennel and saw the most precious little puppies. But there was 1 in particular I fell inlove with. He kept licking my face and would lay his head on my shoulder like a little baby. We took him home and named him Eja (Asia). We had him almost six months when my whole life fell apart. On January 3 2004 my mom and aunt had went to a babyshower and I had gotten up and gotten a towel and walked past the back door (we kept him on the back deck on a leash to use the restroom every morning) and I noticed his leash tied to the bottom of the table and his leash hanging off the deck. A thought flashed through my mind but then I just figured he was probably playing in the backyard with my other dog. But about an hour later my mom came in my room crying and she told me Eja had died. He had tried to jump off the deck and.... this hurts but i'm just gonna come out and say that he hung himself. I thought maybe there was a mistake and a possibility they were wrong, but I went beside the little building in my back yard where my dad had laid his little body and I knelt down, and I knew he was gone. I touched him and there was no movement, no sound, just quiet. His body was stiff. I sat there in the freezing cold for so long apologizing to him and begging God to give him back to me. Almost two years later I still cannot believe hes gone. I feel like I let it happen and i'm just so sorry. I should have been watching him and I am to blame. I just wish he knew how sorry I am. I want him back so much and it's like thinking about that whole thing makes my knees weak and it almost makes me sick to my stomach. What I really worry so much about is that he suffered. I'm so scared that he just hung there and suffered and was scared and really wished I was there. I'm in pain writing this as of right now and I just wanna know when am I gonna be able to live with what I did? I miss him so bad. He was everything to me, he really was. He made me happy and I always always let him have his way in anything. You know how puppies and dogs are. They are stubborn and like their way. I couldn't imagine ever telling him no or ever not letting him have his way. I know he is happy and is just fine because hes home with jesus, but I am so scared he suffered. And I have so much its like it could eat me alive. The time I should have been there most I was taking a shower and my baby was gone. The night before it happened i kissed him on his little head and told him i love him. It was a precious moment because he was asleep soundly and snoring a little bit. But I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. And I let it happen. When will the pain stop?

Thank you for reading this, it was hard writing and telling my story but I guess it does feel somewhat better to have gotten that out

God bless you all

Oh how awful. What a horrible horrible thing to have happened. I can imagine your shock and horror. The only thing I can offer is to focus on the happy times - I think all of us focus on the end too much but in reality it's such a short time when compared to the years of love and happiness. His little spirit is free of pain and fear now and I'm sure he knows you didn't want something like this to happen. Our pets love us unconditionally and they wouldn't want us to continue to suffer over what was a horrible accident.
Light a little candle for him and tell him everything you said in your post here. I'm sure he already knows but tell him again, then blow out the candle when you are ready. I truly believe our furry lost ones are a lot closer than we think. The love doesn't die.

emily- my beautiful ,loving, best friend, bear, a 4 year old black lab has been dead for 1 month today because of my actions and lack of foresight. i know i will never be the same until the day when we will be reunited. he left behind his kitty, josie. they were bosum buddies and ate, washed, slept(everything!) together. i have her to continue in our"three musketeers" of love (as a dynamic duo), but a couple of months ago, while bear was out running in the yard, i tied a leash to the back screen door and left her to sun herself on the deck. i returned to my computer to entertain myself. when i heard the door slam shut , i immediately ran in horror to find her hanging about a foot from the ground. she was not struggling, but she would have strangled in a matter of seconds. i gave a flying leap over the bannister to realize i had no way to loosen her. i flew back up to the deck, got a knife and jumped onto our cadillac's roof (denting it badly,but who cares!) she was o.k in a few minutes, but i almost cost her her life, too. it brought back horrible memories of my childhood, when i had a sissy fit over something stupid, jumped onto my bed, and the bed frame fell to the floor, cutting the head off of my pretty little orange kitten. i tried to commit suicide that night , but luckily i was not stong(or stupid) enough to do it. no matter how hard it is not to second guess yourself, you must try to believe that we all have our time to go and even if your baby suffered for a few minutes, that time is past and there is no more pain or suffering. i've been driving myself crazy(and physically sick) over not being around to comfort and care for my dog. he loved to run.after being hit by a truck, i was told he ran like a deer when hit. when my wife called for him to return, he fell to the ground. it was about four hours later he died. the first vet he went to had him walk (on his own !!!) into the office,he told my wife he was too badly hurt and needed to travel 70 miles to a different animal hospital for surgery. then the *q*u*a*c*k* had him walk (on his own, again!!!) out of the office knowing he had internal injuries! that negligence cost my stong boy boy who had so much heart, the life he loved so much. he did not even cry out in pain ,he just obeyed and trusted and loved as he always did,even till the end. i hope that me sharing my torment and pain with you can somehow alleviate some of the hell you are going through. you and all of the other grieving caregivers are in my prayers. i am very thankful for this wonderful website(i lost my internet for a few weeks and thought i would not survive without all your love and concern. ron in pa