Hi there. I am new to this forum and am so glad that it exists. I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and hope that you can help me a bit. My 9 1/2 year old Golden Retriever, Zachareigh, a/k/a Zach Attack, Tonka, Zacherdoo, Baby Boy, came into my life shortly after my dad passed away. He has seen me through a lot of hard times. He was diagosed at 6 months of age with Grade IV hip dysplacia. At a year old he had an FHO on one hip. He has battled with arthritis ever since. Recently he was diagnosed with diabetes, an enlarged liver, increased liver enzymes, liiver mass, cataracts and complete blindness. We cannot get his glucose levels under control, he has lost 25+ pounds and has difficulty walking.

He no longer plays and just lays down. His life consists of mommy encouraging him to eat, insulin shot in the morning, go potty outside and go back to sleep, dinner time encouragement, go potty, go to sleep, go potty, etc.

I have worked as a veterinary technician and have helped sick animals pass, lending hugs and a shoulder to cry on to those who loved them so dearly to make that decision. However, when it comes to your own furkids, it is just a different feeling. At this point, I feel so selfish for basically just sustaining him. I just cannot bring myself to make that phone call. Am I a horrible person, one for letting him go, two for not trying every option out there? When is it okay to make that final decision? Is it okay to make that final decision when the quality of life is so minimal? If anyone has any advise or stories to share please do. I feel so numb and cannot stop crying about it. I love my boy so very much. I call him my son and to some people they think I am nuts but hey, maybe I am. Thanks for reading.

Molly

Wow Molly,
My heart goes out to you, you sure don't have an easy task on your hands. I don't think anyone can tell you the right thing to do. That's going to come from your heart and it's certainly not an easy decision. I guess I was fortunate in a sense that the dreaded bloat made the decision for us. We just had to decide whether to subject an aged dog who was having difficulty handling stress to a surgery that had a low survival rate to begin with. We chose to help him pass in peace and end his suffering rather than prolong it. I wish you strength and peace in your decision.

Rushie's Mom

Thats because of the love bond you have and of course this will be your decision not someone elses.

Youve bought the tears back to my eyes i know how wretched you are feeling having to make that awful decision.

The only advise i have ever been able to give is that you will know when the time is right and do what you have to do.

No else can make the decision for you, you will go into auto mode, as if someone else is pushing all the buttons and just do what you have to do.

I send you and Zachareigh lots of love.

Molly,

By the sound of things, you are not nuts. You're just a person who loves a dog named Zachareigh and find it hard to say goodbye. Goodbye is for a long time. I understand what you must be going through.

I vowed to my little Theo that I would not make him suffer longer than he had to. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to make the decision to put him down but I knew if I didn't, Theo would suffer and for what. So I could have him for some more time. I had to make the decision and of course it caused me great suffering because I miss him so much after being with him for 13 years. I take solace in the fact that I kept his suffering to a minimum (so I think, I really don't know how much pain he was in with his kidney disease. I wish they could talk!!) The thing is I tried hard for 6 weeks after he was diagnosed to keep him alive with antibiotics, sub Q fluids administered at home, a special diet, liquid vitamins. It was quite a commitment. I was told he could get better. That's why I tried. But in the end, none of these remedies worked and he got worse and I had to let him go. In a way, he told me it was time to just by his energy. He became lacklustre (?) and despondent. He wasn't a happy camper.

Why I go on about this is, you will know when it is time. If he's not suffering and he still responds to you the way he used to respond and you feel he has some quality of life, then carry on. Trust that your heart and head together will tell you when it's time.
Take care and lots of hugs to you,

Luna

I can so relate to what you're going through.

I think the decision is very much up to you. You love your dog very much and anything you choose to do will be out of love and concern for your pet, so you shouldn't feel regret about doing the wrong thing. There is no perfect right decision. You're an exceptional person for caring this much about another creature. I hope you'll see a clear sign from your pet that it's time, but I don't know that it always works that way. Every situation is different. Trust your instincts though and I don't think you'll have anything to feel bad about.

I'm happy I found this site. These are terrible issues to deal with. My beloved kitty girl died this morning. She had multiple problems that got critical 3 months ago. I spent a good amount of money on vet bills and did some pretty agressive at home treatments (subQ fluids, other treatments) I was sometimes embarrased to admit how much I'd spent. But my pet lover friends always understood.
I do think she had a decent quality of life for the last 3 months though. She wasn't a bundle of energy, but she was loving, affectionate, and enjoyed eating and sometimes drinking. Those were kind of my gauges.

3 days ago she lost the ability to support her back legs. She was immobile and completely helpless. She lost interest in food and couldn't control her bladder. I knew she was ready to go then and I stopped her treatments the next day and tried to just keep her quiet and comfortable. I'm lucky that she died without much pain and that her death wasn't prolonged. I hoped very much not to have to make a decision about euthanizing her, but I was only about another day away from deciding to do that.

Best of luck to you. I sympathize very much with what you're going through.

NO YOU'RE NOT NUTS; THEY ARE JUST LIKE CHILDREN. BUT REMEMBER , 9 1/2 IN LARGER DOGS YEARS IS LIKE 70. IT'S SO HARD FOR US TO DIGEST THIS. MY DOLL DIED AT 12 1/2 AND DEAR GOD I STILL FEEL LIKE I LOST 12 1/2 YR. OLD DAUGHTER: IN A WAY I REALLY DID.
MOLLY AS LONG AS THERE IS NO PAIN OR SUFFERING REALLY. AND , PAIN AND SUFFERING IS'NT RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER (PERHAPS WHEN NO ONE IS WITH ZACK) THEN KEEP HIM GOING AS BEST YOU CAN. NEVER~ KEEP A PET ALIVE FOR US OF COURSE. AND DON'T LET HIM STARVE HIMSELF OF COURSE. WHAT DOES YOU'RE VET SAY ???
MY GIRL WAS GOOD TIL THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS , THEN SHE COULD'NT EVEN GET UP . AND I WAS ACTUALLY PRAYING SHE'LD GO IN HER SLEEP. OF COURSE SHE DID'NT.
BUT THAT'S A GOOD INDICATOR TOO: WHEN YOU START ACTUALLY HOPING THEY'LL GO PEACEFULLY IN THERE SLEEP. BUT AGAIN, DO ALL YOU CAN YOU'LL BE GLAD YA DID. NO MATTER WHEN THEY PART IT'S HORRIBLE THAT'S FOR SURE. AND IT THREW ME INTO SHOCK AND DEPRESSION.

First I would like to thank each of you for your kind words of support. I cannot stop crying and feel like my world is shattering. I have made the hardest, most heart wrenching decision of my life. Tomorrow morning at 10:30, Zach and I will take our last car ride together. My fiance and best friend with be with me. I cannot imagine my life without him, but as I type this now and listen to his crying I know that I am making the best decision for HIM. I have a vision in my head of my Dad and my two childhood Golden Retrievers, Buffy and Spencer, at either side waiting to welcome Zach.

I have had many conversations with my boy about his "Grandpa" and that he will take care of him. I just have to remember that this is a selfless decision. I am freeing him from all of his pain and discomfort. Of course, that does not help me because I will not be with him anymore. Will not smell his little fuzzy head anymore. Will not ask him "where's mommy" and he comes running with a big goofy grin and sticks his head between my knees, and sits for an ear rub. Oh God, I have to stop. Thank you all so much. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and ask your four legged angels to make him feel welcome. Thank you.

Molly

Oh Molly, I'm so sorry. You and Zach will be in my heart and prayers tomorrow. Trust that we who know your pain will be here when you're needing to talk or vent or just reminisce about your beloved boy. It's the hardest thing ever.



Rushie's Mom

Your post is heart wrenching. Feel assured that the love you have for Zach is quiding you in making the right decision. May you both find peace. I will keep you in my thoughts in the coming days. Take care.
Pat

Molly,

What a wonderfully loving and selfless person you are!! Zach is a truly lucky boy to have such a deeply caring Mommy! I'm so glad you know that Zach's spirit will live on. I believe that with all my heart, as well. This is an amazingly unselfish gift you are giving to him to allow him to run on ahead of you, free from pain, to a place filled with such peace and love! My beloved furbabies will be there for him, as I know your Dad, Buffy and Spencer will be! And he will join them in watching over you and anticipating the time when you will be reunited!

In the meantime, please keep coming here to let us know how you're doing. The part of us that wants our furbabies to be here with us physically doesn't let go as easily as our loving hearts do. It will definitely be a painful time for you and your family, but I hope it will help to know that there are so many of us out here who understand completely your deep love for your boy, and who are going through the grief journey with you.

Take good care of yourself, Molly. Zach loves you so much and I'm sure is grateful for your loving decision!

Wishing you peace and healing,
Eliza

It has been a little over twenty four hours since I last held my baby boy. I have not wanted to come here but feel compelled to because it does bring me some comfort. The only bright moment, if there can be a bright moment in all of this, is that he went so very peacefully with dignity. I held him to the very end and then some. I stared down at his lifeless body and felt part of me die too. I cannot believe he is really gone. The pain and emptiness is so overwhelming.

I sat in the back seat with him on the ride to the vet. He was actually having a good day. I kept holding him and telling him how much mommy loved him and he kept giving me his paw with a smile on his lovely face. He was my only dog that actually "held" on when he gave you five. The vet and the assistants were so very understanding and compassionate giving me several hugs along the way.

When he was gone, I closed my eyes and whispered to him look for Grandpa. I could visualize my Dad squatting down with his arms open wide and Zach running full force toward him. He was no longer gray or restrained by his arthritis. It gave me comfort.

I did not know what to do with myself after that ride home; the ride home without by baby boy. I wanted to give each of my girls a big hug and then had to get out of the house. We did our grocery shopping and it seemed every where I looked there was Golden Retriever. On books, food products, magazines. I had a very hard time keeping my composure.

When we finally got home I took some Excedrin PM (non-stopping crying and trying not to cry can give you a major headache). I fell asleep around 8:30 and did not get up until 12:00 this afternoon. Paul made breakfast, which I suprisingly ate, and we watched Pirates of the Carribean. Now who cries during that movie???

I am giving Shaggee, Zach's big sister, extra love and attention. She just looks at me and starts "talking" up a storm, which makes me both laugh and cry all at the same time!

I don't want to clean, vacuum dust or otherwise. There is so much fur all over but I cannot bring myself to get rid of it. The night before, I brushed Zach for the last time in the bathroom and the brushes and grooming spray are still in there. I cannot put them away. His food bowl is still out. His syringes and sharpes container are still in there place and his empty bottle of insulin is in the fridge. I cannot believe he is really gone. I had an overwhelming urge to hug him last night and thought I would go insane because he was not there for me to hug him and never will be again. God help me.

You have done the most selfless thing imaginable by giving your beloved Zach a peaceful, dignified way to let go of the pain and transition to the next life. I know that the experience was extremely painful for you, but I do hope that it continues to comfort you to know that his passing happened the best way it could. At the very least you were there with him to give him all the love and comfort in your power! And your Dad is with him now to guide him, love him and play with him!

I know exactly the feeling you describe of overwhelming emptiness. I have felt the same way since my Winnie girl passed. The pain of our furbabies' passing is all too real -- a physical pain in your heart and stomach and throat. I feel like I have a Winnie-sized whole in my body. If you are like most of us, the next few days/weeks are going to continue to be very difficult, but you will start to feel stronger and more at peace. I promise. Please be very gentle with yourself. If you don't want to vacuum or put away Zach's things, you certainly don't have to. I personally found it cathartic to throw away my babies' medicines after they passed, as a kind of celebration that they are youthful and healthy again and have no need for such things!

It helped me at the beginning to hold candle-lighting ceremonies for my girl, and to talk with her spirit, letting her know how much I love and miss her. I believe that she has contacted me since her passing, which has given me great comfort. I also found a book called "Animals and the Afterlife" by Kim Sheridan, which details people's experiences with their animal babies contacting them from the next life, to be extremely comforting. I recommend it highly. (I got my copy from amazon.com)

In any case, do what you need to do to give yourself the comfort you can and the rest that you need, and take each day as it comes. Having your other furbabies around to cheer you and keep you company will help a great deal, I'm sure. Coming to this site has been the main help for me and is likely the only reason I'm still sane! So, please keep coming here and sharing your thoughts with those who know exactly how you are feeling. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Zach and your whole family (here and beyond!)

Hang in there,
Eliza

Zach'smommy,

It's over and I know your pain well. I'm so sorry!!! Life will never be the same again. Please know there are others who so well know what you are going through. Time and tears and talking are the only antidote to grief. Zach was lucky to have you as his owner. I hope you can somehow take comfort in the fact that you gave him a wonderful life. Please go easy. Take care of yourself and rely on others to help you through.

Luna

Molly--
I just went through putting my little boy, Nicu, to sleep. He was 14, my sweet little Siamese boy who was my heart. I know the grief and agony you're going through about making this decision. I went back and forth for a few weeks, even made two appointments to do it, then canceled them. In the end, decided I was going to listen to Nicu and let him tell me when it was time for him to go. So, this weekend, I sat with him, petted him, and told him that I loved him, but that I knew he was sick and losing all his physical capacities. I told him I didn't want him to suffer but that I didn't want to be selfish. Then I asked him--tearfully, by this point--to let me know, somehow, when he wanted to go and rest forever. He did that at 2 am Monday morning. I was lying on my sofa. He struggled up to lay next close to me, and always made sure he had part of his body touching mine, which he has been doing since he's been sick. But this time was different. He crawled up on my chest--which he almost never does--he laid there and looked into my eyes, peacefully but sadly and with so much beautiful dignity. I could almost hear him say "It's time, Dad." I had my answer. And I couldn't disrespect it. So I called the emergency clinic, drove there with him clasped over my left shoulder, crying and nuzzling him, got to the clinic, parked in the lot, held him close to me for a few minutes and told him I loved him and that nothing in the world meant to me what he did. Then I took him in and held his sweet little head while the vet gave him the shot. It was over in less than a minute. And I was the last thing he saw in this world. And I am so grateful that I had the strength to accompany him through his final journey here. It is excruciating to watch what you love leave this world, but for me, I couldn't have lived with myself letting him die in a strange room with nothing familiar to comfort him. Being with him in those moments--indeed, making the decision to end his suffering-- was the final act--and the most difficult act--of love I could show my little boy. This all just happened early yesterday morning and I am still sobbing and I cannot even think of picking up his food dish or putting away his litter box yet. I still smell him in my house. I still feel him brush by my legs when I'm on my computer. I still hear his funny purr.

You showed Zach the most courageous kind of love.

My best wishes to you.
Ron

Dear Zachareichsmommy,
I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through right now. I had to do that 2 years ago with my Zody. THe pain does lighten eventually but I have never let go of the love and I think of him as well as my two girls that I lost this year often-daily.
Someone on this site once wrote something to the effect of: you have taken your loved one's pain away and made it your own. I read that awhile ago and even though it was two years ago it made me feel better. By putting them to sleep our furbabies pain has ended, but ours of course is going strong. The love remains...even though we don't have their warm furry bodies to hold.

Ron,

Your post about Nicu was so moving! I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I know how terribly difficult this time is for you. But, you are absolutely right that this was the most loving thing you can do for your boy. Your description of Nicu climbing onto your chest on the sofa and letting you know what he wanted was so heartbreaking! It reminded me so much of one of my last memories of my beautiful calico girl, Winnie, who did the same thing the day before she passed. She laid down on my chest and reached up toward my face with her paw and looked at me with such love and appreciation. I knew she was getting older (she was nearly 17 when she passed six and a half weeks ago) and was dealing with pain every day, but I didn't want to let her go. I'm so glad that I was able to be with her at the end.

Bless you for being such a loving compassionate Dad to your Nicu! I know that he is grateful to you for such a selfless act of kindness. His spirit is with you still, loving you as much as ever!

Take good care of yourself,
Eliza

Zach'sMom,

You have such courage. I admire you so much. Your heart-wrenching post shows me that no matter how much time we have to prepare ourselves we are never ready for them to go (in both my cases I had no time. Allie had a rare, fatal condition which took less 24 hours to take her from me, and my Lucy was just hit by a car on Saturday night). They have such overwhelmingly loving presences in our homes that it doesn't seem right without them there. I know it will take a long time to adjust to your baby not being there. It took me about 3 or 4 months to adjust to life without Allie, and now I'm starting all over again in this awful process after losing Lucy. But the good thing is we will always carry their amazing love in our hearts wherever we go. And you can also take comfort in the fact that you had the courage to do for Zach what a lot of people would not have had. Now that's true love. I've no doubt he ran into your Dad's arms with a big smile on his face, and that they are looking down on you with love, peace and happiness, that you were the best mommy/daughter they could have asked for.

Best wishes as you travel through your journey of grief.

With love,
Jenny

Hello all. In the midst of all that has happened I forgot my password. The very kind moderator helped me out and I am able to connect with all of you.

Ron - I am so very sorry to hear about your beloved kitty, Nicu. Although it is very sad to say I am happy that there are others out there who feel the same way that I do. Zach and I had many conversations, well basically I did the talking, about when he was ready. I had about a month earlier called his vet to tell her I was going to do "that" and she said oh no, we can try this and that and if he has cataract surgery he should be fine which of course made me feel like the worst person in the world. I finally came to terms with that and thought to myself, I live with Zach and I know how he is on a day to day basis and I was not going to put him through anymore unnessesary pain and dicomfort. He was a very brave and stoic boy. I could not make "that" phone call and my very dear friend made it for me. I knew that he was ready to go when I brushed him the last time and he kept giving me paw as if to say "please mom, no more." I know now that there were other signs from him but I just could not accept them. Your story is heart warming and heart breaking all at the same time. You loved your boy so very much and showed him all of your love until the very end when you helped him let go. Bless you for that. I know how difficult that it and maybe one day we will feel a sense of relief that they are no longer suffering, ya know? Hang in there. They keep saying it will get better and I guess that each day gets a "little" better.

Norah's Mom - I am so very sorry to hear about your tragic unexpected losses. I often wonder which is worse, having gone through both kinds and well they are both just awful. Thank you for believing that Zach is with my Dad. I honestly, whole-heartedly believe they are together and that makes it a little better.

Thank you ALL for your posts. This site has truly been a blessing. Not a lot of people are like us; some think we are crazy. I just know that I am crazy about my fourlegged bundles of joy. They give me a reason to get up in the morning, let's face it when a 100# Akita is nosing you awake there's not much else you can do but get up!

I was finally able to give two of the three a bath today without breaking down. I guess I am feeling a bit better today. I know that will come and go. I still cannot vacuum and it is getting pretty bad! I did collect some of Zach's hair from his last brushing. I am planning to make a scrapbook devoted to him.

Yesterday I got a sympathy card from our vet. They made a donation to Purdue Veterinary Hospital in his name. I am so touched by that.

You all take care. Please keep in touch.