I don't know how to deal with a broken heart like this or how to stop thinking 'if only'. Our two beautiful golden retrievers, Barney, nearly 3 years old and his beloved mate Zena, 16 months old got out of the garden on Sunday. Barney came back alone. Zena had been killed on a busy road some distance away from our house. My husband and I feel gut wrenchingly sick and heartbroken, and Barney is just lost, doesn't know what to do with himself and contantly follows us around.

We had gone out looking at properties and left the dogs in the garden. When we came back they were not there, and the gate which was supposed to be padlocked was open. The only thing I can think is that I hadn't quite clicked the padlock when a plumber had left with his truck on Friday. I have arthritis in my thumbs and find it hard, but thought I had done it. Maybe the wind blew the gate and the chain and padlock were worked loose, or the dogs bumped against it in one of their crazy chasing games. It had been ok for 2 whole days!

We went out searching for them over the parkland where we usually took them for walks, then I stayed at home in case the phone went while Bruce went out in the car to search. He was gone a couple of hours. Just after he got back, Barney came home alone. We took him out on a long lead to see if he could lead us to her and while we were out the ranger rang Bruce on his mobile to say she had been found. Poor Bruce had to go and fetch her home. We let Barney climb on the back of the ute to sniff her so he might understand.

Bruce buried her in the garden. He couldn't do it at first and my daughter said they would come over and help in the morning but then he managed it. He buried some old boots with her that she like to chew and I put in a flower off one of the plants that had been Zena...ed, a new verb in our vocabulary for a mischievous chewer and digger!!! We have planted an orange tree over her, but it is too painful to look at it at the moment.

Her nickname was Zena, Zena, vacuum cleaner as she was the opposite to Barney who is a delicate eater, she would wolf everything down in seconds.She had the prettiest face and used to flutter her eyes and creep down near the floor to approach my baby grandson Kyle, being soo very gentle. She had been so clever at dog club/obedience training and had progressed quicky through the classes. We got 2nd place in a club trial a couple of months ago.

She used to wag her whole body, not just here tail, and boss Barney about, but he loved it. They were constantly at each others sides, playing and chasing, or lying with mirrored body language.

Our kitchen clock stopped on Sunday at 5.25, and later I realised it was about the time she must have been killed.

I woke up this morning thinking of the song 'Morning please don't come' not wanting to believe this horrible nightmare is true. I keep thinking of her poor broken body. We miss her so dreadfully. She was only a baby. I feel I have let her down. How on earth do you cope?

Pauline,
My heart broke when I read your sad message. There are no words to comfort you right now I am sure. However you have come to the right place to express your grief. The posters on this board are wonderful, and will offer kind words of encouragement when you need it. Your dog sounded like a true buddy. I like the way your described it when you said, "She used to wag her whole body, not just her tail!" Please take care and come here when you need to talk it out. I will keep you in my thoughts. As I have said before, we wish we could keep them for at least a few more years. However, they sometimes have other plans. Hang in there.
Pat

I can't imagine losing an animal so suddenly, and at such a young age. I'm sorry. Coping is just what you do. Grief overtakes and you have to go day by day. It's no different, the grief process that is, from grieving a human beings passing. You might cry a river, lose interest in usual life activities and friends, and just walk aroud sad and empty. Each day, it will get better.

I lost my cat Theo 3 weeks ago. It's been hard. He died within 6 weeks of actual diagnosis of kidney disease. So in a way, it was sudden. There has been an unreality to his passing. I've cried a million tears. But each day brings more hope and a gradual acceptance. You have to plug into friends and family who will be supportive. But apart from one or two people in my life, this board has been very therapeutic.

Take care,

Luna

Hi Pauline,

Grieving takes time, and mourning sticks to no prescribed schedule. While it will not happen instantly or immediately, the sadness we fell from losing a pet can gradually diminish while warm and funny memories remain and grow richer in our minds. We recall good times we shared. Eventually, we can look back calmly on the years gone by never without a pain of sorrow, but with a powerfurl feeling of gratitude for a wonderful friendship. We know how blessed we have been to love and be loved, even if only for a short time. Hang in there !!!!

Take Care/Spooky's Mom,
Rubie

Hi Pauline,

My Qorqui was only 19 months old when she was killed on March 2nd this year. She was the light of my life, my reason for going home each day. I thought we would have had so many more years together, but that was not to be.

I know the tremendous loss and guilt you must be feeling. The "if only" scenarios will run non-stop for days, maybe weeks. You will find every reason in the world to blame yourself. I even made up impossible ways it had to be my foult. What happened to Zena, as with my Qorqui, was a terrible accident. Please remember this.

I've read that it takes about a month of healing for each year your furry was with you. I'm not so sure I buy this theory though. Qorqui was with me for only about 16 months, and here it is 7 months and 10 days later and I still feel a huge hole in my heart. Don't get me wrong. You will heal. It is going to take some time, but you will heal.

I don't know what I would have done without the wonderful people here at LS. They quite literally kept me sane during the first couple weeks after Qorqui's death. These folks know what it feels like. They understand what you're going through even weeks from now when friends and family think you should be "well over it".

Please take care of yourself during these early days. Remember to eat and rest as these are the things we all seem to neglect and they're so important in keeping up your health while the grieving takes so much of your energy.

Come back here often. It's amazing how much it helps. Even if you don't feel that you can post anything helpful for others, it still seems theraputic to just read and know that you're not alone.

Tim

Thank you so much for the wonderful support everyone. I have just driven to work crying and am here very early alone an hour before the kids come ( I am a teacher) crying over the fantastic messges and trying to write a poem for Zena. She survived parvo virus earlier this year, which she got despite being vaccinated, she was so strong then, but not strong enough for this.