There are no words to describe the profound sadness I am feeling right now. We evacuated Houston with our beloved dalmatian Allie. We adopted Allie when she was a young dog, and she has lived for the last five or so years with diabetes and blindness. She was around 13, maybe older -- not sure. The stress of the long drive to San Antonio, and then boarding her for the days we were there (against my better judgement, but with seemingly no options) must have done her in. She died on the return trip to Houston yesterday. I knew she was not in the best shape when I picked her up, but I felt strongly that leaving her in at the kennel/vet clinic for any longer would be a worse alternative. But, I never dreamed that she would die; let alone in the car. I'm beating myself up and I can't stop crying. I wish she could have made it home. She died about 20 or so minutes before I figured it out. She was curled up in the back seat with my two children quietly sleeping, I thought. About 20 minutes before we arrived home, my daughter said that it sounded as if Allie were crying. It's the time I suppose she took her last labored breath. I didn't get it because prior to that, it was seeming that she was feeling better; trying to hold up her head and trying to stand. I didn't think twice when my daughter said this because I had looked back a few minutes earlier and she seemed to have been remarkably improved. It's like she was fighting to live, and I just feel so horrible that her little body gave out and we didn't even notice until we got home! And I feel so guilty for having evacuated in the first place since as it turns out we were completely spared.
I had to euthanize another dalmation, our beloved Holly, a few years ago. As hard as it was, she was in terrible pain and I was able to justify it. It hurt terribly, but I had time to mentally prepare and I was there before, during, and after saying my goodbyes. With Allie, I feel like I was completely unprepared despite the fact that she was old, in failing health, I knew it was inevitable -- but I just can't deal with it. She was the kindest, sweetest, most loving, wonderful dog I have ever known.
We have another dalmatian, Cassie, a wonderful 2 year old that we rescued from the Humane Society a while back. Cassie doted on Allie, followed her around, learned the ropes from her, nurtured her by licking her eyes and ears. They were very close. I worry about how she will handle this. Allie was her companion when they were home alone and now she'll be home alone when I have to run out for groceries (or whatever). They were very close. I'm very sad for Cassie!
I guess I'm going through that phase of grief where I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what I could have or should have done; not only in the last few days/hours but all the way back to the beginning. She had a good life; better than most pets for sure; but I could have done more. I always talked about taking her to the beach, but it never happened. I know she would have loved it. There are other things too; you know, moments as a dog owner I'm not so proud of; like the time we left them in the care of a neighbor over a Christmas holiday and came home to find her near death (that's when we learned she was diabetic). And, I wonder if this vet clinic that we took her to in San Antonio medicated her properly or at all. Under the cir%%stances, we left her in the care of others that we/she didn't know and I can only pray that they didn't neglect her -- but I'll never know for sure. You know, stuff like that is tearing me up. But, mostly, I'm thinking that I knew her health was fragile; I should have figured out a way to keep her with me those last few days; should have returned to Houston sooner; I don't know but I wish I could turn the clock back and have her back if only for another few days. If I had it to do over again, she wouldn't have been kenneled the four days preceding her death. How stressful for her!
Oh, well. I need to figure how to stop crying. I'm just so terriblly sad! Thanks for listening!