I have always prided myself on responsible pet ownership; always looked down on those who behave irresponsibly. Our dogs have always gotten everything we have to give: love, the best foods, and the best vet care we can find. They have of course always returned our love ten times over.

My smug illusions are all shattered now. Since being rear-ended in a major car crash 2 years ago, my brain (especially memory) has been sputtering. My wife has complained frequently about it, and I have seen many specialists in vain attempts to do something about it. Still, I never thought it was too serious. Heck, I'm 44, a little memory loss is normal, right?

Wrong. Ten days ago I drove off to work, leaving 2 dogs in a pen on the back patio. It was early AM. At noon, I returned home to take my wife to a medical appointment. By that hour, it had become a steamy hot day. Before leaving for the appointment, I decided to let the dogs out (we have more than 2). As I opened the back door for some of them, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Had some trash blown into the pen? What...? I simply wasn't registering, but then it hit me. I was looking at the body of my beloved Roscoe. He was my very best friend in all the world. For 7 years, in times of trouble I turned to him for comfort. In times of happiness, I played with him like I was a little boy.

I had killed my best friend. I had literally roasted him alive. His body was facing the door, as if waiting for me to return. I'm crying again now and it's hard to see to type this. Of course my wife was justifiably furious with me, but her anger doesn't come close to my own self loathing. I keep thinking I should lock myself in my car in the sun. I desperately want to see him again, to apologize with all my heart. I deserve to die for the horrible agony I caused him. He is short nosed and probably asphyxiated. I am haunted every minute by a vision seen through his eyes, staring desperately at the door as his feet burn and his breath is choked off. I will never stop crying. Roscoe, I am so so sorry. I hope you knew I would never do such a thing to you intentionally!

The only reason I am trying to hang on is that my wife and the other dogs need me. She is trying to forgive me, though I know I don't deserve it, and it's almost meaningless anyway, because it's Roscoe who I crave forgiveness from. I'm not religious and don't believe in an afterlife; I guess that would help but it's not possible for me.

We are trying to develop backup systems and backups to the backups, but we are both living in terror now. We've added shade and a misting system to the patio. I am required to carefully line up and account for every dog after an outing, look outside again and then give a detailed report to my wife. If anything positive comes of Roscoe's suffering, it will be better lives for the other dogs.

When I look back on that morning, I have a total gap in memory for that period when I should have brought him in. It was trash day, and I typically carry some trash out the back door and around to the front. I would have seen him at that time. However, I later found a load of trash I had apparently carried up the basement stairs and dropped in the kitchen. It's scary as hell. I have gotten a referral from my psychiatrist to a neurologist who is supposed to be good at memory problems, and as soon as I can I will see her.

I'm sorry to dump my shameful story on you all, but I am at wit's end and I have to try to find a way to become functional again.

By the way, the other dog managed to climb out of the pen and seek shade in the yard. He's just fine and gets extra kisses and apologies from me daily.

I am SO sorry you lost your furry friend!!! The one thing you have to remember is that you aren't perfect!!! Anyone can make a mistake and that's all you did. You didn't kill him, you didn't make him suffer, you just made one little mistake. That's all. If the universe chose to take him at that time - you weren't to blame. You might as well blame the earth for letting the sun shine that day.

There is no SHAME to your story. Just sadness and pain and a lost person trying to find forgiveness.

I also believe in responsible pet ownership. I believe that we should treat pets as we do our children. If it helps, I forgive you. I forgive you completely with every painful word I see you enter in our forum.

Do you think Roscoe wouldn't forgive you? Do you think he doesn't know what pain you are feeling? OF COURSE it was an accident!!! Accidents, as they say, happen. Some day you'll get to hug him again - even if YOU don't believe in an afterlife, I certainly do. So save your "I'm sorries" until then and just mourn the loss of your friend. Help your wife and remaining pet over this tragedy and know one thing - WE understand and forgive you.

Thanks DJ, your encouragement means a lot to me.

I can well imagine how bad you feel. But we all have to realize that whatever happens, the results are what we have. Nothing more. No going back.

So remember Roscoe with love - due your best to ensure it never happens again - and take care of yourself and your family. Light a candle for him tonight - I will too!!! And remember that you always have and will love him - until one day the pain fades and all that is left is the memory of a friend who passed on.

In a way i do know what your going through it wasnt from an accident but my decision.
It was done out of love but that doesn’t stop the guilt you feel afterwards.
You will stop crying it will just take time and lots and lots of tears and sleepless nights.
I know you don’t believe in life after death but please listen and feel for the little messages Roscoe will send to you, he knows your love for him and will be with you to make sure your ok, its taken me four months to come to terms with what I did and to accept that the little messages were indeed from her and her sister.
and for the record i too forgive you and i forgive myself too.
Take care
Love Sue

We all make mistakes. The consquences of some of those mistakes are bigger than others. One thing to think about though, as the other dog got out of the pen OK, maybe Roscoe had a heart attack or something. I think heat stroke victims usually become unconscious and then feel nothing. I guess you'll never know but you ought to consider that possibility. Force yourself to stop imagining what happended, doing this is utterly counterproductive. If you find yourself going over it again, immediately get up and do something to distract yourself from it.

I never forgave myself for loosing a small terrapin when I was a child. I knew that they needed water to survive but I used to let the 2 of them have a nice walk in the garden while I watched them. I must have got distracted for a moment and one wandered out of sight, never to be found again. This was in tropical Malaysia and I always hoped that he survived because it was warm enough, but did he find enough food?

Your anger perhaps should be directed at the idiot who crashed into you causing your current memory problems, he did this not you. He has made your life difficult now. How about screaming, yelling and punching at an image of him? From what you have said there is no doubting that you are a caring and responsible pet owner and I just hope you find a means and a way of forgiving yourself. This could take along time and so perhaps talking to a therapist could help; they are trained to get you to see the other side of situations, and you need this because you can only see the horror of what happened and are suffering terrible guilt. Is your psychiatrist being helpful?

Please post here again if it helps, I am so so sorry for what happened. Sharing what happened with us was a very brave thing to do, I feel so much compassion for you, my heart goes out to you - Helen.

Thank you Sue and Helen,

I'm feeling better today. I will try to believe that Roscoe quietly passed out before suffering too much. I guess we do have a sign from him: we have his 6-week old daughter "Emily" who loks just like him and is just as sweet. She is a consolation.

My psychiatrist is purely an MD, doesn't do talk therapy. He's very good medically, but I am trying to find a good psychologist or other talk therapist as well.

Distraction is good, at least when I am well enough to do anything. Last night I repaired my car and it was a good mood lifter and ego stroke.

grateful to all here,
Joe

Oh, Joe,
I am so sorry for you and your loss.

On April 3 this year, my dad was driving my mother and my grandmother to my niece's birthday dinner. Dad got blinded by the sun and drove off the road and they had a serious wreck. My parents are ok. My grandmother was in the hospital from that day until she died May 29. My dad is pretty stoic but every once in awhile, he'd apologize to her in the hospital "I am sorry I did this to you, Mom..." Then she died -- and he holds himself responsible for that, too.

It was an ACCIDENT. Only my dad holds himself responsible for this -- we don't, my Grandma didn't.

I know Roscoe forgave you. That is what he did best, isn't it???? I am certain he did not see it as something you did to him. And I agree with Helen that it may very well have been something other than the heat. A heart attack or whatever that could've happened inside.

Sometimes terrible things just happen. I know we all want to be, but none of us has total control over everything in our lives. I know we want to, but we just don't...

I am SO PROUD of you for sharing your story. I know it must've been hard. But I think it is good for you to be able to share it, and to be able to get some different perspectives...

Another thing I think that is true, something I've discovered in my short time out here, is that no matter how our pets go, we all manage at some level to hold ourselves responsible. I feel that the worst with my dog Freyja, who I had to euthanize, but also with my cat Saki, who died of liver cancer. We feel responsible for them, and in general that is a good thing. But sometimes we are NOT responsible...

Love to you and yours,

Jennifer (Saki and Freyja's Mom)

Joe, Suzanne has included a message to you in her posting about her sister, see "What do I say?" in the messages section. Her sister is beating herself up because she feels to blame for the accidental death of her little dog who ran into the parking lot.

I hope you find someone professional to talk this over with. From what you have said, it seems that the doctors are finally taking your memory loss seriously. Even if medically there is not much that can be done, it sounds like you are building in checks so that another accident won't happen. Try and remember that all of us forget to close windows sometimes when we go out of the house and then come back to discover we have been burgled. We all blank out at times, and would never do these stupid things knowingly, and we don't have the problems caused by the crash that you have been suffering!

Take care, Helen

I did something really stupid when I was 10. I had a little chick in a kennel and was trying to keep it warm. All I had was a heating pad and some blankets. This chick liked to chirp alot. It'd be "cheap, cheap, cheap," all day long so I though he was too cold. One day, with the heating pad set to low, I wrapped him in a towel and laid it on the heating pad. I sat down reading my Nancy Drew book and realized that he'd stopped chirping, I guess he was warm enough.
An hour or so later I unwrapped the towel and found him dead. I was beside myself. I told my mom "He stopped chirping, I thought he was happy!" Oh, that was a million bricks landing on my head. Don't worry, we've all cooked an animal by accident at one time or another.