My cat Diapey died 3 weeks ago. I still have 2 other cats. Although I miss Diapey so much it is overwhelming, I am thinking of adopting another cat within the next few weeks. Part of me thinks I should wait, and the other part of me doesn't. The part of me that thinks I should wait is the part that is feeling guilty about "replacing" my cat so quickly. Part of me thinks that I should wait until I'm completely done crying and mourning; but that may take months. Part of me thinks another animal would be good for both me and the cats.

About my other 2 cats. They act like they are only cats now. Diapey was the mother figure, like the glue that held them together. She was th one that groomed them. She slept right up against Cosmo, and when Kitty cried out in the middle of the night, Diapey would always run to her. The 3 of them always slept on the bed with me, and now I have to beg to get one of them to stay on the bed for a few minutes! Now that she's gone it's like Cosmo and Kitty dont know each other exist. Sometimes kitty will start to play and then it's like she realizes there's no one to play with her and she just gives up and goes to sleep. Cosmo doesnt play a whole lot either. I saw Cosmo try to lick kitty's head the other day but it was like he didnt know how to do it; and then kitty swatted him away.

Anyway, I do know for sure that I want another cat. I have a good loving home and there are so many abused animals out there that need a home. Also, the whole Katrina thing makes me think about it. If I adopt now, that is one extra space for a Katrina pet to fill in the sense that if I take a cat from a foster, then the foster will have room to save another pet. And in the coming days fosters will be desparately needed.

I know that if I get a cat that is a mother figure, my cats will adapt. They will play again, they will be a family again.

I am thinking of going to a rescue league so that they can tell me which of their cats fit this personality. I am willing to take a cat with "special needs" (the ones with emotional baggage that dont trust humans yet) because I am patient and have all the time in the world. That is, if they are mothering types towards other cats. I am not going to get a cat just because I feel sorry for it. I will definitely wait until I feel I have found "the right one". I am confident that when I see him/her, I will know.

I thought about waiting until stray Katrina pets come in, but I've been all over message boards and there seem to be hundreds of people waiting to adopt or take care of one. Thus, I was thinking I'd look at one that might wind up forgotten since many people will want the katrina pets.

So, any opinions out there?

I'm sitting here right now trying to be busy because I think my 18 year old persian girl, Nymph is dying right now. She doesn't want to stay on my lap and she was breathing with her mouth open for a bit, I gave her rescue remedy and arseni%% album and she has thankfully calmed down and her breathing is better, she still doesn't actually want to be on my lap so I'm sitting here beside her, she is sleeping peacefully at the moment. I came across your message...I think you should do what feels right for you, follow your gut instinct. I think you and I lost our kitties around the same time, My 16 year old Spicey had congestive heart failure and passed away peacefully in her sleep on Aug. 17th, I think Nymph was mourning her and i think your other kitties are likely acting strange because they too are mourning Diapey.
You and I know how much it hurts and I think our remaining pets sense what we are going through as well as they are missing that presence also. Especially in Diapey's case since she was such a loving motherly cat. Nymph is like that too-I really hope she will go peacefully in her sleep tonight.
I think what you are planning to do is lovely and whenever you do it and whatever cat you choose will be a very lucky cat to have been adopted by you.

yes, I lost Diapey on the 18th.

I feel so bad for you! I hope you are doing okay? Losing 2 cats that close together in time is so sad. When Nymph goes, which I hope is not anytime soon, I also hope it is in a peacful way.
Write to us if you need us!

thanks for the words.

-Tammy

Hi Tammy,,

Like you I am debating the choice of getting another cat. Since Odin died, Loki has become increasingly needy for attention and is becoming restless. They were incredibly close and I know that Loki misses Odin's company. It pains me to watch him go through this. I have accepted that fact that I need to get another companion for him, as much as it pains me to do so, because Im really not ready. I have been looking at several shelters online trying to find the "perfect companion" for Loki. I keep telling myself that I am not replacing Odin. Odin was someone very special and unique in my life. And like Loki, he will always have a special and permanent place in my heart. The idea of forming another permanent bond just hurts me. Its been 7 weeks and his loss still hurts like a knife sometimes.

I think that you questioning to get another cat is a good and healty sign though. I feel that if you have the love to give and are willing and ready to give that love, then you should. There are so many animals that need good, loving homes. If you are afraid of a permanent bond than perhaps fostering would be a better choice for you. From personal experience, home fostering is a genuine and rewarding experience. Our last foster cat Spooks was semi-feral with feline aids. The last woman to have him kept him locked in a bird cage for 6 months (dont want to go there!) and he was starved for freedom and attention. He was "aggressively needy" as my husband put it. He would attack and latch onto your feet if you tried to leave the room. He also had severe food agression issues as well. He would wolf down his food so quickly that it gave him really bad gas. He could clear out a room! But as soon as he realized that there was more if he wanted it, it eased his aggression. We worked with him for several months. The end result was a wonderful, loving cat that wanted nothing more than to be near you or ontop of you at all times and was fit for adoption! He was the needy boyfriend. Sometimes you just wanted your personal space but with Spooks there was no such thing. He was there whether you wanted him or not. It really was a beautiful and rewarding experience. We made a difference to an animal that was unwanted and unloved and helped find him a permanent home.

Whatever choice you make, I wish you luck!


Cynthia

All of you wondering whether to adopt a needy animal--yes, you should. The fact that your mind is open to the idea is a signal that you are getting over the very first stages of grief. If you take this step and receive another animal into your home, your grief will not go away, certainly, but it will lessen.

Think of the pets languishing in shelters this very day, confined, scared, facing euthanasia...please go get one. I adopted a stray before I thought I was ready, and I have never regretted it.

Margo, (and anyone) please read this...

Thank you for last thing you wrote about adopting before you were ready. Here's why:
My day today involved scouting around for cats with the idea of getting one from a foster home so I could ensure that the personality would fit with my two cats. I first went to the city animal shelter and broke down into tears cause it was all so sad. I thought to myself that I needed to rescue a shelter cat and not one that is being fostered and living in someone's home comfortably. I went to the petsmart after that to look some more cats and I asked a foster lady about a certain cat. She said she didnt know because that was a cat from rescue shelter (not the city one). So I waited for the shelter lady to come back, which was over an hour. She said I could come to her shelter this evening. So I went. This shelter is really about five small one room type tool sheds converted into cat areas. The areas are well ventilated, there is kitty food and water and toys, they are clean, and they have a full time helper living on the premises. There are also volunteers that come, so it's decent. However, bottom line is they are still converted tool sheds. Better off than in the city shelter.
Anyway, I told her I was looking for an adult and she was excited because they are hard to adopt out. I looked in 3 sheds and wasn't "feeling" it - like at the city shelter, no one stood out. Then we went to the last one with kitties under 1 year old. Four were in a pen inside, about the size of a bathroom. They did look comfortable and happy. I saw one from far away and immediately knew I wanted her. She is the sweetest thing, and her eyes is what did it..big pretty eyes that look up and you and stare at you..it's almost like she's human cause she stares at your face for so long and her eyes are very expressive. So, the lady made an exception for me about the whole application process waiting period and let me take her because she could tell it would be ok.
So now I'm at home, crying my eyes out because I'm panicky that I did the wrong thing. I feel guilty about getting a kitten (not a tiny one though) and not an older cat, I feel like I "replaced" Diapey too soon, and I'm thinking that I should take the kitty back and just let me and the other cats live on peacefully.
However, I KNOW this kitty will be good for my cats and bring them some new life and energy. I'm in total panick mode though.
This kitty has never been in an apartment with an owner that pays attention to her. I was petting her eariler for several minutes and she was so excited it was like she was about to explode! This cat was rescued from a hoarder who had 65 cats: 35 contained in a dog run, and the other 30 in a trailer with no air conditioning (I live in Texas), the litter boxes hadn't been cleaned in days, and I dont think there was electricity in the trailer. This kitty was in the trailer. So she was rescued and put in the tool shed at the rescue with 3 of her brothers and sisters.
Part of me wants to take her back because I feel like it is too soon, but the other part of me is thinking, wow, tonight is the first time she has ever felt carpet, ever been inside a quiet house/apartment, ever felt real air conditioning, has a clean litter box, been able to look out a window, etc. So this makes me not want to take her back. Or, take her to the humane society where they keep them in clean cages and dont euthanize. She is so adorable I dont think she'd be there too long without being adopted.
I just don't know what to do! Maybe I just need to get used to her?! Is it totally natural to feel like I made a mistake and that I'm betraying Diapey??

Anyone have any thoughts?

I think you you should keep the new kitten. Your just beating yourself up through your remaining grief. Think positively - you are taking on a new wee life here and offering it all the love and comfort that you have to give. As you said, you are giving it a lot of "firsts" and it will be excited about all the new things it is seeing. I also think it will be good for your other cats, to see this wee kitten running around the place so full of life and mischief, and it will make them more alert and playful. Keep the kitten, give it some time and I'll bet you will be glad you never took it back. You are not replacing your cat that died ( as if we ever could) so dont feel guilty. You have a good heart, so why shouldnt you share what you have with these pets that are unwanted.

I think it would be worse for the kitten to take it back after its seen what it couldve had - not that im trying to put another guilt trip on you !! So, you knew it was the right one as soon as you saw it, follow your heart and keep it.

Let me know how you go x

Yes, please keep the kitten! I felt the same way that I was betraying and replacing my deceased furkitty. You can never replace your deceased furbaby and I felt that I was but now I know better. The baby already loves you! I now have five kittens and just got two of them yesterday. I have one that will be a year old this month, two others are six months, the two new ones are seven weeks. I stop at five!


Wanda

Please...keep the kitten! You made a commitment to this kitten the moment you said that you would take her. Deep down you know that you can give this kitten a wonderful life. If you take her back...she might not be so lucky with the next person who takes her.

Give it time..it will all work out. Relax and take a deep breath...you can do this!

Lisa...NOAH'S ARK

Tammy, when i was 12 my cat Tweety died. I was devestated. Two days later my parents went to the pound and adopted another cat we named Missy to help with my grief. I was hurt. It was too soon and I wasnt ready. I wanted nothing to do with Missy. Whenever she came near me I would scare her away, she wasn't my Tweety. It took me a few days to realize that I was lashing out at the cat for no reason. It wasnt her fault that Tweety died. I had no reason to be upset or hostile to her. So with some time, I allowed her to enter into my heart and in time she became my baby. Just give yourself some time. These things dont happen overnight. Especially when your emotions are still so raw. Be easy on yourself. Diapey was very special to you and was a constant presence in your life and she cannot be replaced. Deep down I know you know that. And Diapey knows that as well and I think that she would be happy that you are making this gesture.

Take Care

Cynthia

thanks all,

heres an update...
I have still been crying my eyes out that I did the wrong thing and that I should take the little kitty back. Missy Kitty is beginning to show a little interest, but it still hurts me so so so much. Cosmo, on the other hand, I think is upset about it. He was the one who didn't act any different when Diapey died. But now he wont come out of the bedroom. He's not hiding, he just wont come out. It's like he's upset with me for finding a "replacement". I dunno. He'll come around though.

Anyway, about 1/2 hour ago I realized something. I am crying and want to take back the kitty because I want so badly for things to be the way they were. before diapey died. But even if I take the little kitty back, it won't bring Diapey back and it won't make me any happier, and things will not be like they were again.
In a way, it is a relief that I had a "lightbulb go on in my head" moment. That I know I'm just still grieving. plain and simple. It has nothing to do with the kitty, except that she introduced change, and it is making me face the very painful reality once again that I don't have Diapey anymore and I have to accept that. And it feels like week 1 all over again.

Thank you all for your responses. Now I will take a deeep breath and tell myself with time, me and the 2 other cats will let the little kitty grow on us. She is so sweet considering what she's been through. She is letting me pet her now even though she cowers when I reach out my hand, but still wont let me hold her.

-Tammy

I adopted two kitties about ten days after my baby Kaluja died. I felt guilty once I got them home. I bit nauctious too, but I had told the lady from the rescue group that I would either foster them or adopt them. I just didn't want them to have to live in the kennel anymore. Either way I knew that this way I didn't have to commit completely. Anyway, as some of you might know I had a horrible thing happen the day after bringing them home. A cat I had been feeding across the street who had been abandoned, was attacked by two dogs and after rushing it to the emergency vet, it still died. This traumatized me for weeks, but my saving grace were the two kitties I had brought home. I still miss my baby. No other cat will ever take his place, but these two kitties not only needed a home, but they also needed a mommy. They are brother and sister and their owner died, then they went to a foster home and then they went into a kennel for 4 months. These two perfectly wonderful cats were sitting in cages for no other reason but because they weren't kittens and because when they went to pet adoption days they were both very shy. I can't tell you how happy I am that I have them. Of course I am adopting them not fostering. The little girl is so thrilled to have someone to cuddle with and the little boy just follows me around talking non stop. I can tell they are still afraid that they will be moved again and I just thank God that I was able to open my heart to them in the midst of my pain. They couldn't wait for my mourning to pass. They needed a home. They needed a warm safe place to sleep and they don't care if I am emotionally stable yet, they just want a mommy and a home.
By no means am I implying that anyone would be wrong to wait. Everyone needs to be true to themselves. I just wanted to share my experience and how much love these two babies have to give.
Sarah

Tammy,
You did the right thing. After our Garfield passed on, we went to the shelter and they had two older cats who were due to be put to sleep. We could not bear the thoughts of that. We adopted them knowing our time will be limited. But if we have them 1 year or 10 it's worth it. Sherbert is a yellow and white longhair and Miss Kitty is a blue point himilayan. Sherbert is my wife's constant companion and Miss Kitty has taken up with me. So we take it day to day and love them all we can.

Oh Tammy, my heart goes out to you. I can so relate. When my Zody died two years ago, I missed him so much, there was such a big hole in my heart. I thought the only way to get over that ache was to get another kitty. So approx 4 months after his death I got a little black hairball. The only problem was he was the total opposite of Zody, I didn't even have him a day and I realized I had made a huge mistake, I wanted to give him back but where I had gotten him from refused to take him back. I was distraught and put ads in the papers, hung up posters trying to find a good home for him. I felt so detached from him, he wasn't Zody, he could not replace Zody. One man wanted to take him as a pet for his 4 year old daughter, she would be responsible for him and he assured me she was mature enough and they would guide her. I balked knowing 4 years old was way too young to be responsible for a cat. So I said no. Then during a routine vet check about a week after I got him the vet discovered swollen lymph nodes. It was then that I realized how much the little guy had subconciously grown on me. I was very worried about him, when blood tests revealed he was ok, he just had parasites which were treated I was so releaved. I wouldn't part with him for any amount of money.
So to make my long story short, I was still missing Zody, it had been too soon for me to get another animal but once I realized that I was still grieving and no matter what I did that wouldn't go away and of course no one would ever replace Zody in my heart then I was able to start loving Loki. He is most definately not Zody but he is is own unique little personality and a complete goofball, I love him very much.
You need to do whatever is best for you but give it a little more time until you know for sure. You are absolutely right, the grieving won't stop whether you bring the kitty back or not, it's just a process we all have to go through and come to terms with. Hugs....

Here's my update after 2 weeks:

I am not feeling guilty about taking the new kitty anymore because I have realized she is the PERFECT match for my 2 older cats, which makes me feel better. As of a few days ago, Cosmo officially plays with the little kitty some. Miss Kitty (the alpha) is off and on ignoring her, growling at her, or playing a little bit. The little one is submissive to Miss Kitty but follows her around ALOT and tried to play with her (miss kitty). she is persistant and really wants to befriend the grouch (a.k.a. miss kitty).
The little kitty is so sweet and a little sassy! She is making herself quite at home! and she 'talks' a lot. soft little noises but I can hear it. she especially likes to talk to her toy mouses.
She still wont sit in my lap or let me hold her, but she lets me pet her as much as I want (well, as long as she will "allow me" to pet her! LOL!). In the past few days she has laid down next to me twice when I was sitting on the couch; of course expecting to be pet. I am waiting for the day she'll sit in my lap or sleep on the bed! It'll be awhile but I know it will happen. Only in the last few days has she started jumping on furniture - she was staying only on the ground.
She is learning where to scratch from the other cats who thankfully only use the cardboard things I have out for them.
And my other cats follow me around everywhere and she is learning that too. so when she's not following miss kitty around she's following me. She is sitting in the chair next to me, on a pillow, right now taking a nap and preparing for her 2am play time.

So I don't regret my decision. I still don't feel a deep connection with her yet but I know I will in time.
I still miss Diapey terribly and cry a little every day, but having a little kitty around and making sure the other cats get enough attention so they dont get jealous takes my mind off it some.

thanks everyone!

-Tammy

Hi tammy,

I lost my sweet Bubba cat last December and I absolutely needed a baby boy cat in my life that I could coddle like I did him for 14 1/2 years. The universe must have been listening to me because last May I brought home a very special little cat that has brought so much joy to our hearts. Bubba will never be forgotten or replaced by Frankie. Frankie will be loved and cherished for what a special little boy he is. Here is a picture of this very special little guy......

What a CUTE kitty!

Here's another update for anyone who wants to know...(I'm trying to bring a little light-heartedness to my postings)..
little kitty (who is still nameless) slept on the bed for the 1st time last nite! However, there was quite the drama. She was laying beside me on my right and I was petting her. Cosmo jumped up and went to his spot (which thankfully the little kitty wasnt in). So I was petting him too. Then Miss Kitty (alpha cat) jumps up and got really mad. She sleeps on my left, but she was angry the little kitty was on the bed. So, she goes and kicks cosmo off the bed (she bullies him).
Cosmo got back on, Miss kitty got off. Ok, so now I get to go to sleep. When I wake up in the middle of the night Miss Kitty was on my left, little one on my right. I had to go to the bathroom so of course it woke up everyone and the drama started all over again. This time when I got back into bed the little kitty kept walking over me back and forth from my right to left side and miss kitty is hissing. So finally little kitty settles down on my right and we sleep peacefully until the alarm goes off and the drama starts yet again!
Funny thing is that last nite was the 1st time both cosmo & kitty have slept in the bed at the same time since my Diapey died.

Little kitty still won't let me hold her, she's a "side cat" (as opposed to a lap cat) cause she sits down at my side and leans on me. So, progress. And her and cosmo "talk" to each other when they play, it sounds really strange cause they make those throat squeak/trill noises and it's like they're having entire conversations. But it would be much cuter if it wasnt at 3 am! LOL!