I can't believe it is true, just three months after losing my Cinnamon cat to CRF I have lost my Oscar too. He was my special boy and I am just torn apart by losing him, it was way too early. I buried him in the garden next to Cinnamon last night.

For weeks we thought he had IBD but he was just not getting better and was having terrible fevers every night and painful defecation. He also started to ac%%ulate a lot of fluid in his abdomen and chest. When the vet told me she was pretty sure it was cancer or FIP, I decided I could not make him go through the pain any more if there was no hope for recovery. It had been over a month of ok to bad days for him and as I watched him get worse yesterday afternoon I decided to relieve him of his misery.

But I feel horrible because he is so scared of the vet and he fought the vet when it was time to put in the catheter and prepare him for euthanasia. We had to sedate him and he was so scared when they brought him in so I could be with him for his final moments. I can still see the look in his eyes and it just hurts to think I made him go through that. He was such a sweet and gentle cat, and I feel so bad about it.

I miss hugging him and giving a kiss on top of his head every morning and every night. He was all black and his fur was like velvet. And he would purr whenever I talked to him and petted him a little. Now I'll never have my big hug monster back, I don't know what I am going to do.

My Goodness, I can't even imagine the pain and grieve you must be feeling from loosing two fur babies so close to each other. I know that when I had to put my old boy Smokey down, back in Sept, my biggest fear was loosing my Ziggy, large breed dog will be 12 in Dec., to soon after. I do thank the Lord that I still have him and it has been almost a year since my Smokey left me and pray to God everyday to give me a few more years with him, but what ever time I have left with him I make the most out of it. I do believe that having, loving and loosing our fur children, make us better people and remind us that all living creatures are Gods children, no matter what form they are in and need to know that they are loved & needed in this world.

I wish there was more I could say to you, to help you get over this terrible time of grive. Do know that now your two fur babies are playing with each other again and will be with you in spirit for the rest of your life. You may not think it now, because your grive is so fresh, but one day when God knows you are ready, he will send to you another fur baby that will need you and your love, just don't close your heart up, as those fur babies can bring so much joy to one's life and they also teach us so many things about life.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers,
LouAnn

Thank you so much LouAnn. I sure hope Cinnamon and Oscar have found each other and that I will see them again sometime. They were such great cats and I can never replace them. And I hope that you have a lot of time with your Ziggy. It's hard to know that someday you are going to lose them, but I think the love and happiness they give us more than make up for the pain we feel when they are gone.

I did get another cat after I lost Cinnamon and I am glad she is with me now, because I can't imagine this house without a cat. It's still hard to come home and not have Oscar and Cinnamon greeting me at the door though. That was a ritual I really miss now, that and visiting Oscar while he was napping to pet him and hear him purr when he woke up.

I know in time I will get another cat to give Miss Callie a companion, because she just loves other cats and really needs a buddy. But now it's hard to think about having two different cats in the house.

But then I remember I got Oscar from a rescue group after I lost my first cat. I kept visiting the cats at one place and when I heard a worker say, "it's so sad you don't have a home yet, you're such a good boy" to him, I was a goner. She was so right, he was a fantastic cat.

Now I'm crying again. I miss my little guy.

I'm so sorry about Oscar. Reading your message brought it all back for me too. My Zody was a beautiful black hairy bundle, when I picked him up he would wrap his arms around my neck and his hind legs around my waist while he purred in my ear, he's the only cat I've ever had that gave hugs. I SO miss him and it's been two years.
I too had to have him put to sleep and he too fought the vet with everything in him. I too will never forget the last look in his eyes. I felt so guilty even though I know I was sparing him pain and suffering (he had an inoperable tumour in his abdomen and it had grown). But I still wonder sometimes if it had been better if I had just gotten pain killers for him and kept him drugged up until he went naturally. I felt like I betrayed him.
Logically I know however that I spared him and I think you know that too deep down inside. It doesn't take the pain of those final moments away but try to focus on all the happy memories. There were a life time of happy memories that should obliverate those few short moments at the end.
Know that you aren't alone in your pain. Everyone on this board suffers from it.
Hugs...

I can still see the look in his eyes and it just hurts to think I made him go through that. He was such a sweet and gentle cat, and I feel so bad about it.

Dear aepva,
It is probably pretty hard to shake this vision from your mind...but I wanted to remind you that you are a fantastic person to make this brave decision on behalf of your beloved Oscar. I knew a person once who just didn't have the heart to have his cat euthanized ..he was very intent on his cat dying "naturally". But he confided in me later that it was a very horrible thing, to sit with his cat all night long, for hours and hours as his cat struggled with the dying process. This is grim to bring up here, but I wanted to tell you that the moment that your Oscar looked frightened was for just a few seconds. You saved him a terrible suffering in exchange for those few seconds when Oscar didn't quite know what was going on. When you weigh those two things---a few seconds versus 9 hours of torment......well I think we all know which way was best. My friend sure wishes he had make the "right" decision--the stand-up, adult "because I love you" decision. He couldn't face it, he was too squeamish. You did it. {{{{{{{{aepva}}}}}}}}}. Remember the best pictures you have of Oscar and put anything else out of your mind.

One thing that we parents of fur babies can never do is "replace" one of our children, as they all have their own personallities. All we can do is remember and love the ones that have gone before us and try to love as many other fur babies to enrich our remaining days on this earth. I believe that God gave us one of the greatest gifts and that is the love and trust of a devoted fur child and the ablity to return that love and trust. But, sometimes I wish he, God, wouldn't test our love, as it is the hardest thing I know that I have ever had to do. I have had to make that terrible call twice, and even though both times I knew I did what was necessary, I just wish I didn't have to. But I also know that I couldn't have made any other choice, because my love for my kids wouldn't allow me that. It has been over 5 years since I lost Jacob and almost 1 year for Smokey, and still to this day I miss both of them and I believe I will miss them for the rest of my life. Ever time I hug or kiss one of my current fur babies, I will give them extra's so they will share that love with my spirit babies, makes me feel a little better, like I am still hugging and kissing them.

Thinking of you and your fur babies
LouAnn

Thanks everyone for all the encouragement and kind thoughts, this is so hard to handle. I am crying a lot again today, sometimes I just think of something about Oscar and I just go to pieces. It's so sad to lose him and Cinnamon this year, they were so young (about 8 1/2 years old) and I had expected them to be with me for years to come.

Oscar was such a big part of my life, I didn't realize it until he was gone. He was the reason I got up some mornings because even though I felt really tired or unwell, he still had to have breakfast and he would get up in the bed and bother me until I did. He was the reason I rarely gave in to the temptation to work long hours (easy to do where I work), and he gave me a whole routine for my day. I'm doing all those things for Callie now, but all of them started with my Mr. Hugs (Oscar's nickname) and Miss Cinnamon.

I told the people at work I'd come in this afternoon but now I'm not sure I can do it. I tried to do a little weeding in the back yard today, because it's so nice out, but I ended up sitting on the ground crying and feeling exhausted because all I could think about were all the times I spent with him and Cinnamon gardening in the back yard. They would sit out there for hours while I puttered and I gave them gardens to hide and sleep in (especially Cinnamon) and fixed the fences to ensure they couldn't get out into other yards where there were dogs, or get into the street.

I know I did the right thing for both cats and that helps a little, but the pain of losing them is just so bad. I want them back.

Aepva,

I'm sorry about Oscar and Cinnamon. You will get through this though. I promise it.

One thing you said which was a statement I had made a day or two back.....that you never realized what a large part your pet played in your daily existence. I too felt that so fast after I knew Buddy was not coming home again.

I never realized all the little interactions and things that we did, things that I guess I somewhat took for granted. Amazing how you can get so close to something on that level in such a short period of time.

Right now everyone says to focus on the good things and the fun times......and I hear them but it's not easy to do.

I tend to be that Glass Half Empty guy and not the Glass Half Full guy. I find the more negative in things when I should really find the positive. But it's getting better and a little easier to see the water in that glass.

Surround yourself with those you love and who love you and people who care (like the people you meet here but will probably never get to know, and that makes them special too) and you will make it through this storm. You will. We ALL will.

Take care of you!

Buddy's dad

MU CAT OF 20 YEARS, BO DIED IN MY ARMS, ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL MONDAY, SEPT.5, 2005. OUR WORLD STOPPED. NOTHING IS THE SAME. BO WAS A SEALE POINT SIAMES,20 YEARS OLD,GOING ON 21 IN OCTOBER. WE LOVED HIM WITH ALL OUR HEARTS. HE DIED IN A MATTER OF 20 MINUTES. I SAW HIM AT 6 IN THE MORNING, FED HIM, AND THENAT 3 IN THE AFTERNOON HE DIED. WE ARE BURYING HIM TOMMORROW.I FEEL FOR YOUR LOSS. SHERI

I am so sorry to hear that Sheri, that is so sad. I'm glad you were with him when he died though, I'm sure it was a comfort to him, knowing that his Mom was with him and she wanted to help him feel better.

Even though Oscar was scared when they brought him in after sedating him, he relaxed after they stepped out and I had a chance to pet him and talk to him for a few minutes. I'm glad I was able to do just that little bit for him. After that he settled down and did not even flinch.

I found out this morning that my little guy had FIP, the vet said I did the right thing and spared him some hard times. I don't know why it makes me sadder for his sake but it does. I guess it's because it just seems that much more random and senseless. I didn't want to lose my Oscar so soon.

I have one of the few good pictures of him as my 'wallpaper' on my computer screen now, it makes me wish I could still pet him. Yesterday I was thinking about how much he liked tummy rubs because you can see his tummy in the picture, you can even see his little bald spot.

But I'm also worried about Miss Callie now and spent the morning scrubbing down all surfaces he had touched and throwing everything that could be laundered into the wash. I even threw out all the throw rugs, since they were old anyway and I was starting to dislike them. I am scared she is going to get sick now too.

Oh, (((((((aepva))))))
this is too much- that you lost 2 babies so close together. I know this is so very painful. I just lost my beautiful dog Tico yesterday. But I lost my darling little calico girl a few years ago. She had cancer.

I kept hoping both of these babies would go naturally. But I think they would have suffered greatly and starved to death also.

Yesterday when the vet gave Tico his initial relaxing shot before the euthanasia one, it stung and he yelped. He doesn't like the vet anyway. And I wondered if he thought he was doing something wrong. It broke my heart. But It was right to save him anymore suffering. Just as it was right for you to save your baby any more suffering. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Hopefully where these precious angels are, they are happy and watching over us.....

love and hugs
Cathi

Oh, (((((((aepva))))))
this is too much- that you lost 2 babies so close together. I know this is so very painful. I just lost my beautiful dog Tico yesterday. But I lost my darling little calico girl a few years ago. She had cancer.

I kept hoping both of these babies would go naturally. But I think they would have suffered greatly and starved to death also.

Yesterday when the vet gave Tico his initial relaxing shot before the euthanasia one, it stung and he yelped. He doesn't like the vet anyway. And I wondered if he thought he was doing something wrong. It broke my heart. But It was right to save him anymore suffering. Just as it was right for you to save your baby any more suffering. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Hopefully where these precious angels are, they are happy and watching over us.....

love and hugs
Cathi

I am so sorry you lost 2 so close together also! I don't know how well I'd be doing that. In your posting you sounds very sad, but also very strong. That stood out to me in your post. So many of us come here like lost souls and not knowing what the heck to do or how we're going to feel, if we did the right thing, etc.
I am glad your posting comes across that way; it actually does throw a little comfort my way.
And I am so glad that you already realize that you did the right thing.
I miss the rituals too. The cat I lost was the only one I actually had little wakeup and bedtime rituals with. The other two pretty much just go about their business.

thanks for the posting, and I hope you feel better very soon!
-Tammy

Thanks to Tammi and Cathy. Today is easier to take then the last two, despite the FIP and all. Callie is in great spirits -- fortunately she had not really bonded yet with Oscar, though she was very much like a little Oscar groupie. She would follow him around the house and watch him, seemingly breathlessly, as he went about his routine. If he looked at her she froze. What a silly girl.

I'm hoping her vitality is a good sign as far as the FIP goes. I guess only time will tell, everything I read says that there's no good test and no agreement on how long to quarantine after there has been an infection in the house. I am really sorry she has to wait for a buddy now.

What's funny is that lately I've been thinking about a topic that came up on this board when Cinnamon died, namely whether our little angels send us signs once they have departed. After I buried Oscar I had to go out and get some groceries (I was numb but knew I would be a nonfunctional mess the next few days), and when I returned a huge black cat that I have never seen before ran across the driveway---I saw him in the headlights.

Now we have ferals, but I have never seen a big black cat among them. What was even weirder was that he stopped and sat down to watch me get out of the truck. Usually all but one of the ferals scram the minute they see me move. We watched each other for a few minutes while I waited for the next car to illuminate him in the headlights, and yes he was a big black cat. I finally walked toward him after a few more minutes and he bounded away before I could get a real good look.

I like to think it was Oscar telling me he was happy and free of pain and off to the rainbow bridge.

What's weirder is that the biggest, meanest feral - a grey and white tomcat I call 'Dad cat', has taken up sleeping in the garden next to my front porch. This is a cat who has always hissed at me and stayed at least 15 feet from me. Now he is begging food and will actually sit next to me while I fill a dish for him, and doesn't care if I have to shake the spoon violently to get the last few chunks off. I have actually petted this cat several times now and he is fine with it. This started the day after Oscar died. Another feral I had not seen in weeks but who would share the porch with me returned to visit regularly the same day.

I'm worried that Dad cat is sick or unwell so I'm washing my hands and utensils every time I touch him or the dish, but still it's weird the two ferals are behaving that way.