Hello all,

I lost my best friend Sweet Pea, a macaw, who I had since she was a baby for 18 years. She died on Aug. 29th. It all happened fairly suddenly, over the course of a month. She became ill, was diagnosed with bacteria and was given antibiotics. I thought she would heal but she got weaker and weaker. I brought her to the best avian vet in NY who was wonderful and tried frantically to figure out what was wrong, but since birds are so fragile, there are only so many diagnostics they can do without harming the bird. I lost 10lbs that last week from worry and stress. I was physically ill. The vet said the tests seemed to indicate she had a tumor yet no one knew for sure.

I woke up on the morning of the 29th at 5am suddenly thinking I needed to check on her. She was lying in her bin on the floor and she was gone. She was still warm.

The grief is unexplainable. I have never lost a pet before and never have experienced such excruciating grief. The first few days were a fog. After that I began to feel guilt. Did I neglect her? Did I cause her death? No, I loved her and took care of her like she was my child. Yet, the guilt was there. I read up on grief and saw that it was part of the process.

I'm now in the anger phase. I'm angry at my friends who say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do" and don't call as if I have a plague. Luckily I have two close friends who have lost pets who have been wonderfully supportive and check on me often. I understand that people who haven't experienced this can't relate, but I can't help being angry at them.

I want to tell them off. I want to tell them to stop telling me I'll get another bird and I'll be fine. I don't want another bird! This whole experience has been a real eye-opener for me. I know eventually I'll hear from those friends and at this point I have no qualms in telling them "You really know who your friends are when the chips are down" and just drop them as friends.

Has anyone else experienced this anger?

Thanks for listening,
Lan

Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. But - you DO need to work through it.

People don't call us for various reasons. Some don't understand, some don't care - but many simply don't know what to say and don't want to remind us of our loss by bringing it up.

Those people who suggest getting "another" pet are insensitive. I've heard excuses being made for them by everybody under the sun, but I still have little patience for them.

Feel free, if you truly feel strongly, to tell them to buzz off when they finally come calling in a month or so. Feel free to tell people you don't WANT another bird and that it's insensitive of them to suggest it. Vent a bit and if they don't like it - too bad. A true friend will understand and back off or apologize or find another way to try to "support" you.

HUGS

Dear Lan,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have a friend who has a Molaccan ##atoo and I love that bird almost as much as my friend does. Birds have such amazing personalities, and, unfortunately, many people who have never had birds or known birds don't understand how special they really are. I know you must be devastated.

Anger is a very normal stage of grief...as is guilt. I know I've felt both of those things over losing Shiloh and Hobbie. I think the most valuable advice I can give you is to allow yourself the time and space you need to grieve...be patient with yourself...feel whatever you need to feel to help you heal.

I remember after Shiloh died people would say to me "you can get another dog." At first that statement made me angry, now it just makes me sad for the person who says it, because clearly they've never experienced the special relationship Shiloh and I had. I know that you and Sweet Pea had a very special relationship...one that can never be replaced...I just wish everyone realized that.

You're in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Kathleen

Thanks DJ and Kathleen for your comforting thoughts. Yes, parrots are extremely intelligent and they express their feelings, and they love unconditionally just as dogs and cats do. I was lucky to have such a sweet and gentle friend for 18 years. I wished it could have gone on forever.

Another thing people say to me is "Aren't they supposed to live a long time?" That kills me. Why say that to me now? The truth is that most parrots don't live past 5 years because owners don't take proper care of them. They are very delicate creatures. Late teens and early twenties are when the problems start to pop up. That's what the vet told me.

I do feel I need to express my anger towards those 'friends' who are staying away....maybe in letter form so the words won't sound so harsh. If it enlightens them a little then maybe I've done something good for them. If it angers them, then so be it.

I'm also sorry to hear of your losses. I truly know how that feels. It's just awful.

Thanks again,
Lan

I'm dealing with the anger right now as well. Angry at God, angry at my vet and breeder for not warning me about the deadly bloat that killed my dog, angry at people who tell me I'm lucky compared to the people in the South. My logical mind knows God didn't kill my dog and that the vet and breeder didn't have any ill will or bad intent with not discussing bloat with me, and that in the end it was stress and age that killed my dog. I know I'm luckier than those souls in the South, but I did lose my dearest buddy 2 weeks ago and I am entitled to be sad and grieve. I'm just discovering that I need to share that only with people who really understand. Trouble is, you don't know who really understands until you share and sometimes you're disappointed.

Please hang in there and understand that sometimes people just don't know what to say. I had a family member who was dying of lung cancer that I called several times to send my wishes to. Each time she was too ill, or sleeping, etc for me to speak to her. Her family was kind and all, but I never did get to speak to her and if I had I don't know what I would have said other than that I was praying for her and hoping for the best. Sometimes the fear of not knowing what to say leads people to say nothing. It's not always that they don't care, some just don't want to say the wrong thing and hurt you more.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

Thanks rushie's mom,

I've come to realize the same thing as you, that no one can understand unless they have been through it. I didn't understand it either until it happened to me. It has given me a new sense of compassion for others who love their pets. Those who don't have them or love them will never relate.

I admire you for calling your family member who had lung cancer. At least you called. It didn't matter that you didn't know what you would have said. The call was what was important.

I know now that I will always be there for any friend who has an ailing pet. I will call them and check on them as often as possible.

Lan

Lan, my dog was killed in car accident 4 weeks ago . She was 7. The pain is still so intense. I have had some of the same responses as you. People either don't know what to say or they don't understand. I wish you peace.

Thank you, gizmos mom,

I guess there's nothing we can do but go through the process and let time pass. It's been one week today and I found that I'll have one ok day and the next day will be mad as hell. I guess it will be that way for awhile.

I'm so sorry to hear of what happened to your precious pet. My heart is with you. We are in this together, and as painful as it is, there is some comfort in that.

Lan