My best friend, companion, child, baby girl died early yesterday morning. She was a beautiful Great Pyrenees who would have been 10 in November. At 3 AM yesterday morning I heard a loud crash and my boyfriend and I immediately jumped out of bed. Bianca was wandering around in the bedroom...it looked like she was trying to sit down but wasn't able to do it. I knew something was wrong right away. I made a pallet on the floor and laid with her for the next 4 hours while we waited for the vet to open. Her color wasn't good and her breathing was very agitated. My sister came over and we spent the whole time kissing her nose and rubbing her belly. The vet said she'd had a stroke and he wanted to put her on IV fluids and some medication to try to get her heart regulated. He said to leave her so he could work on her and we'd make a decision about her progress that afternoon. About 20 minutes later, he called to tell me she'd had a massive stroke and had died. I was devastated. My sisters and I went and got her so we could take her home. We took her to my parents house and buried her by the live Christmas tree she had helped us plant when she was just 8 weeks old. My boyfriend said a few words for her and I told her I loved her one last time.

I am glad that she lived a long life and I truly believe that she was very happy. She went quickly and without a lot of pain and I am thankful for that as well. My friends and family are all very supportive as they know how much she means to me. Knowing all this doesn't help....my heart is so broken, my house is so empty. I'm so sad. I also have a 5 year-old Standard Poodle, Elliott, who I love every bit as much as Bianca. I feel guilty when I get home and I'm disappointed because it's only him that's there waiting for me.

Bianca had so much personality. Part of that, I think, came from how loved she was by me and my whole family. All of our pets are treated as part of the family and not "just pets". She was so stubborn and sweet. When I got her she was 8 weeks old and lived in a barn in the Oklahoma panhandle. She was such a terror until she turned two...she'd chew up the couch, get into the trash, etc. She was by my side through all the big events in my life so far: going to college, the loss of my grandparents, buying my first home, meeting the guy I'll spend the rest of my life with. I was with her when she had some trauma at age 5 and an incompetent doctor mis-diagnosed a broken leg as terminal cancer. I almost lost her then.

Bianca was bossy and definitely an alpha female. She'd bark and demand that I let her in when she was finished outside...she would run into the pool and swim away from me to avoid getting a bath...she'd slap me with her paw to demand some petting...she would assert her authority over the other dogs every time we went to "Grandma's house" to visit. At the same time, she'd cry and wag her tail every time I came home....she'd give little kisses when I took ker on a car ride....she'd race me to the bedroom and we'd jump on the bed and do belly-rubs...she'd try, with Elliott, to hunt mice in the hydrangea bushes on the patio. I'd always see her right in the middle of the bushes, tail wagging, and a little mouse would run behind her and head for safety. She never noticed. She would stick her head in my purse and not allow the other dogs near it. I loved all of it! The bossiness, the sweetness, the shedding, everything...I never missed an opportunity to kiss her nose or tell her how much I loved her or how beautiful she was.

Everyone tells me that I shouldn't have any regrets, that she had such a great life and that I was such a good Mom. I still feel guilty about stuff...I should have taken her on more walks, given her more belly-scratches, bought her more dog bones, not left her at the vet, etc. I should have worked more on her dog-aggressive tendencies so I could have taken her to the park or pet stores. I worry all of the time that I didn't do enough to make her life great. I know it takes time and it's only been a day.

I have never posted anywhere before. I don't really have a question...I guess I'm just getting it off of my chest. I'm so sad and lonely without her even though I am surrounded by family and friends. My house isn't home without her. I don't know how I'm going to be able to get used to life without Bianca.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you. I know from the time I brought Odin to the vet to the phone call I got when my vet told me he had died were the longest and most desperate 6 hours of my life. But from what you said, you really have nothing to be guilty about. Bianca had a long life, filled with love and happiness. The first few days will be very hard, but it does get easier. How quickly it does is up to you. People grieve at their own pace. But it seems that you have a wonderful support net around you. We all understand what you are going through. This is a wonderful place to vent and get the support and help you need.

Take Care,
Cynthia

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you. I know from the time I brought Odin to the vet to the phone call I got when my vet told me he had died were the longest and most desperate 6 hours of my life. But from what you said, you really have nothing to be guilty about. Bianca had a long life, filled with love and happiness. The first few days will be very hard, but it does get easier. How quickly it does is up to you. People grieve at their own pace. But it seems that you have a wonderful support net around you. We all understand what you are going through. This is a wonderful place to vent and get the support and help you need.

Take Care,
Cynthia

I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my best buddy who had just turned 10. I know the feeling of guilt and regret for walks not taken, and all those other things we mean to do, but in hindsight, wish we'd done more. We fret, but they don't. They had such forgiving and loving hearts. Every walk wiped away memories of walks not taken. Rush spent his life with us as did your Bianca and went quickly with minimal pain also. I hope it helps to know that others here can relate to exactly how your feeling. It does get better slowly, but that emptiness and sadness will ease as you start to remember all the great memories you shared. I remember when Rush first passed 2 weeks ago today, all I could see were his final moments (we were with him) and thought those images would be burned in my mind forever. But, we started to collect together items for a memory book and watched video of him and it helped us to remember him young and healthy.

I hope you find comfort coming here and in remembering all the love you and Bianca shared.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Bianca. She's sounds like a wonderful dog and it sounds like you gave her a wonderful life.

I think guilt is one of the normal stages of grief. No matter how our furbabies pass on, it seems we all have regrets. I can tell you from my own experience that time does heal the pain, and in time those regrets and guilt feelings will subside.

You've come to a wonderful website with very caring people that are grieving just like you. Post here as often as you need to...it really does help to ease the pain.

You're in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Kathleen

Thank you all so much for taking some time to lend me your support. It really helps! I went away for the weekend to visit my brother and it was really good to get away and be with family...but now I'm back at home and it's all real again. I'm doing better...I know it just takes time. I just miss her so much!

Thank you! Thank you!
Kerry