You have all been so great--your words & wishes have been so comforting. THANK YOU!!!!

Each day that passes without Beasley I find myself getting better in some ways while getting worse in others. I have been trying to cope w/ his death & the loss of our relationship by speaking w/ family, friends, & professionals, but I am unable to shake the terrible images, sounds, and fitful sensations of that night. While I find that I can more easily smile about the many cute things that Beasley did during his few short months with us, now that I'm able to do that, I'm also able to become more ANGRY & depressed that I won't see him or those cute things again because of what happened.

At first I was overwhelmed with shock, sadness, physical pain, guilt, and loss of our dear baby and our best friend. Now I still feel those things, some more, some less at times, but I also feel angry, exhausted, and more depressed, as though there's an opaque veil over my eyes in which I can still see but everything is darkened and distant. While I've never been an angry person before, I have been depressed and/or anxious (though my symptoms have been mild & have never caused me to endanger myself in any way). The Anger aspect is minimal but still scarey enough because it's unfamiliar. Just as when I felt (and sometimes still feel) guilty, I'd look back and ask, "why?" about so many different things. The same thing is hapening now, but instead of blaming myself, I'm starting to get angry at the dog-owner and the dog himself. I know I can be angry at both but I believe I can't blame them, because afterall, it was an accident, right?

I want to ask--"Why was this dog there when you told us, when we called earlier, that he wouldn't be?" "Why wasn't he on a leash?" "Why didn't you put the dog to sleep after he bit other people in the past?" "Why did my baby have to die because of all these things???"

I won't ask these questions now or probably ever because the owner of the dog who killed our Beasley is my husband's best friend since he was a kid. He feels so awful & so helpless--he took his dog to be euthanized right on the spot. At first I didn't want him to have to lose his baby, too, but I think he was probably right to do it. He lives in a duplex with another couple who have a brand new baby--incidently, they are good friends of his AND the original owner of this pitbull/rottweiler. I also want to ask them when they knew he had violent tendencies, instead of passing the dog onto someone else, why not put it to sleep? Instead they gave it to my husband's (and my) friend who loved the dog dearly, knowing that he had the potential to be dangerous but only seeing the love that this dog gave him directly.

The summary of this post should be that I'm not at work again today because I'm gradually coping with the loss itself (some times are better, some are worse), but the dynamics involved, including the violent death that both his dad & I witnessed, as well as a strained friendship, and the intermingling of anger, depressive thoughts & physical pain, are too much to bear.
I feel lost, angry, and so much unlike my usual self. I work at a job where I have to talk to people all day, which means I would have to put on a cheery facade and sit at my desk like everything's a-ok. In reality, I feel trapped enough in my comfortable places (surrounded by friends, family, other people's pets), and on a normal day sometimes I feel trapped & contained at my desk with all of the quotas and timeframes and goals, and since I'm on the phone pretty much all day, if I get upset and start crying I can't just get up and leave--we have strict time limits on being unavailable for calls as well. I know I can't get comfort from those around me because it's not a social environment, nor is it an environment that makes any exceptions to the rules.

I might lose my job--I work just Mondays through Wednesdays (a great schedule that allowed me to spend more time w/ Beasley & do creative, fun things---I got my degree in college to become an art historian/architectural historian...since I'm not working in that field, I do temp jobs, part time, that allow some extra income but still give me time to be me.) Now this job might let me go (temps are pretty dispensible, but I was on-track to being hired on), but I would love to maintain this job so when we get a new puppy or puppies, I would have 4 days of the week to dedicate to being w/ them & training them along w/ my husband. Luckily my husband does well with his career, but I hate to put it all on him because in times of financial stress, my income does make a small difference.

I know I will go back on Monday--if they will take me back...our call-in system is reporting an absence via voicemail, & no one has returned my calls since Monday, in which my boss seemed pretty supportive but I also know that being business-minded is one of her most prominent traits, so she may not accept 3 days away from work. I tried to stay professional on those calls, letting her know that I'm probably disappointing myself as much as I've disappointed her because I do feel irresponsible for not going back to work. Each call, though, I broke down. I'm a mess, I guess, but I know that allowing that to come out is a huge no-no in the corporate world. So we'll see. My husband & family say that won't be disappointed or upset w/ me if I get fired, but I know it will only add to my guilt and sadness (I've never been fired before!)

So it's a double-edged sword. I know I need to go back to work but the time that it's taking me might be slightly more than it might take someone else. 3 days away from my desk doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but as I said before, my company has strict policies in regard to attendance & work output, deadlines, quotas, etc: all these things I could never complete, let alone be there & speak with people all day when all I know I really need to do is try to make myself sane in the only way I know how right now--be in a comfortable place where I can meditate and sort through the emotions and sadness and anger.

Thank you SO MUCH again for taking the time to read this long (and probably annoying ) post. Take care & our hearts are with you, too, as you work your way through these difficult days.

kel

Dear Kelly,

Im not sure where to begin... First...you have every right to be angry. It is a natural emotion to something like this. The owner of that dog was irresponsible, plain and simple. I am angry over this for you because I hate irresponsibility!!!! You specifically asked if his dog was going to be there and he said NO, but it was. You knew what the temperment of his animal was and you knew that if you brought Beasley with the other dog there that there might have been a problem. This is something that you cannot really blame on yourself. You were the responsible parent. As for blaiming the dog...that is a grey area. Some dogs are made violent and others are just naturally violent, its in their nature. In some instances of attack an animal may simply feel that they are protecting and defending themselves, which wasnt the case here. And if you have an animal that you know has violent tendencies and has attacked people in the past, the last thing you do is bring it to a party with other people and animals will be present. And while it simply was a tragic accident, you probably feel guilt because you knew it could have been avoided. And you have every right to ask your husband's friend those questions and demand answers. This was plain and simple, his fault.

As for work... When Odin died... I was a complete mess. I couldn't eat, I forced myself to eat out of neccesity. And I took night-time sleep aid drugs for bedtime. I harbored alot of personal guilt over his death and it was literally eating me up inside. Keeping me busy was the only thing that helped me. I am a graphic designer and at the time I had a lot of jobs in production and because I am the only one here to do it, I didn't have the luxury of taking time off, for which I am grateful for. When I was at work or at least busy, I found that it helped keep my mind from wandering. I didn't like it when my mind wandered. I sat at my desk and cried (I still do and its been almost 5 weeks now). I didnt care. Everyone here knew what I was going through and gave me my space, for the most part. I tried to focus on my work. But what I did, maybe isnt best for everyone. All I can say is give it a go and try your best if you think you can. I think you have already accepted the fact that they may or may not take you back, and then take it from there.

What you witnessed was horrific to say the least and has put you and your husband under alot of stress. It will take some time for a wound like that to heal. It will get easier, it may take some time, but it does...

Best of Luck to You,
Love, Cynthia

Dear Kel,

I think you have every right to feel angry. Anger is definitely one of the phases of grief, but in your and Beasley's case, your anger is not only justified because you're grieving but also because of what happened. You would have never done anything to put Beasley in harm's way, you went out of your way to make sure that dog wasn't going to be at the party, if you'd known he was going to be there, you wouldn't have brought Beasley. I know this man is your husband's dear friend, but I feel it was his lack of responsibilty that led to Beasley's death. Kel, you have every, every, every right to be angry. Ugh! My heart just hurts so bad for you! God, I'm so sorry!

As for going back to work...Shiloh died on a Friday. I took that day off and then dreaded the thought of going to work on Monday, but, honestly, I found that work gave me a little bit of a reprieve from the immense pain and grief I was feeling. When I was at work I found that I could focus on other things besides Shiloh. It really did give my emotions a little bit of much needed rest. But, I have to tell you, leaving for work in the morning and coming home at night was excruciating for the first couple of months.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. And I'm so sorry you lost your sweet little Beasley. You really have been in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Kathleen