My baby Kaluja died on Aug 8th and I was going to wait to get any new cats, but i broke down and took in two cats from a shelter. I hated the idea of them living that way and it makes it worse when you know that they had a home, but due to "allergies" they were given up. So, I picked them up yesterday and they are both very sweet. They are brother and sister. They are way larger then I thought they would be and my apartment is tiny, but I'm hoping to make it work.
I hate to say this, but it seems to be making me miss my baby more and I have the option of fostering them or adopting them and I think I want to foster, but the idea of putting them back in a box and moving them from adoption day to adoption day makes me feel guilty. My feelings are just so raw right now and I feel so guilty for thinking enough time had passed. This was supposed to be a joyfull experience and all though there are moments, most of the time I'm feeling sad. I feel so guilty and lost and confused. They slept with me last night and it was nice having them there and then sad because it wasn't my baby. I feel like I have a split personality. I feel crazy.
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
I know how torn you are. You did what you felt that you needed to do and that was to give two deserving kitties a warm and wonderful home. I think Kalujah would be pleased that you can go on and share your love with others. I know about the guilt feelings though. My cat TJ passed away 3 weeks ago today on August 1st at 9:25pm. He always slept with me on my chest. For the last 3 weeks none of my other cats would come near me to sleep. It's as if, they knew that was TJ's spot and they were honoring him. However, last night, when I was trying to sleep and missing TJ desperately, my other cat Tigger came to me and cuddled on my chest and started purring very loudly. I swear it was TJ that had something to do with Tigger sleeping with me last night. I felt guilty letting Tigger lay with me because for 22 years that was TJ's spot. Perhaps Kalujah had a paw in getting you and your 2 kitties together. I am sure that Kalujah is still with you and watching over you. I know it's so very hard to go through this. My tears and pain are endless as I'm sure yours are also. If you think you have a split personality...then I'm sure I have multiple personalties.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this difficult time.

(((HUGS)))
Lisa...NOAH'S ARK

Giving them up is not going to make you feel better. They now have a home. That might sound hard (and I truly don't mean to be that way) but you need them more than you know. I don't think you can truthfully say that having them sleep with you didn't feel good.

Many things will make you happy - then sad as you remember Kaluja. Sunny days, rainy days, jokes, laughter... You have to move through that and keep going. It's a choice. Grief hangs on but it is OUR decision whether or not we let it incapacitate us or change the way we live.

Give them a chance. Force yourself through your pain - be strong.

If not for yourself, then do it as a tribute to Kaluja. To ensure that her furry little "sisters" can experience the love and joy that she will share once again with you when you yourself pass on.

You know what will start to happen? As your grief lessens you will start to bond with these two new ones and see them as their own little "furbabies" instead of memories of what you've lost. And when that happens you'll be thankful that, in the end, you were strong.

Dear Sarah,

I am going through a similar problem like you. Several months ago my husband and I agreed to do animal fostering. Our first cat Spooks was a semi feral cat who was "aggresively affectionate". He was sooo starved for love and attention that the second you walked into a room he was immediately next to you for attention and if you tried to leave, he would lash out and attack our feet to keep us from leaving him. With alot of TLC we have transformed him into a sweet, adoptable animal. But because we've had him for so long (7mos) people seem to think that it would be cruel of us to give him up, because he has known a stable home. Which we are, he is leaving us this week. I would love to keep him, but my other cat Loki, has been becoming more and more aggressive towards Spooks, and Spooks has Feline Aids. While their contact has been casual to non-biting aggression, its getting more frequent, ans I am concerned about what could possibly happen in the event that escalates. Odin was the dominant one and now that he is gone, Loki is asserting his authority. I have spoken to my vet about the Aids vaccination and the pros/cons. I love my baby too much to expose him to that danger. I feel guilty about what i'm doing, but i feel that its for the best. I keep them separate with limited, supervised contact with water bottle in hand. Having both of them around has helped with the healing process of losing Odin, but there is no replacing him. Even if you simply want to foster, that will be good for you. You have something to look forward to when you go home and you are making a difference. Only you will know when you are ready to open your heart again.

Take Care,
Cynthia