Dear all,

I have never participated in something like this before, but I feel so terrible that I had to do something.
Four years ago I bought a run down house in a rural area. I felt able to have a cat again for the first time in
a while. I brought home an all white kitten from the local feed store. Her name was Luna aka "White Monster".
I loved Luna with all of my being. She was not a restful cat, however. I intended that she would be an inside only cat, since I am aware of the dangers of the outdoors.

This is the crux of my horrible situation. Luna was the most vocal, restless cat that I have ever had. She just HAD to go outside. (she was spayed) My husband and I wrestled with this for a long time and eventually caved in and would let
her go out for part of the day. Every day as I would drive home from work I had an image of my dear baby dead in the road. Yet, I still let her go out when she demanded it. We live in a rural area on 2 acres in the Northwest. There is
a creek on our property that she loved to hang out at and watch the little birds that perched in the tall grass.

Yesterday morning when we were leaving for work (4:30 in the morning...it was still dark) We saw our dearest baby
lying on her back in the road in our headlights. She was still warm, but very dead. I feel like I failed her in every way.
Even though she wanted to be outside, I should never have let her. My husband and I just want to die.

This house was more hers than ours. Luna had a personality that was so dominant that she ran our lives, and the lives
of our neighboring cats as well. Every inch of our house reminds us of our baby. How can we go on?

I had to write you because my baby Kaluja put up the same fight about going outdoors. For three years I tried to make him an indoor cat and he just wasn't having it. It was never my choice and I have the scars to prove it. Kaluja loved everything about the outdoors and I knew that everyday that he got to spend rolling in the dirt, watching the birds, running in the grass, and rubbing up against the trees was worth everything in the world to him. The choice was never mine to make. After three years of fighting I knew it was his. He passed away on Monday of Kidney problems and anemia. 16 years of being afraid he would be hit by a car and that isn't what happened. We never know what the right thing to do is or what the outcome will be, but what I do know is our babies were thrilled with being outside and I know for me and Kaluja that he would have taken any risk to have that experience. Please be gentle with yourself. Your baby had the time of her life.

Lunasmom,
I'd often wondered about this myself, having made the decision long ago to allow both of my kidlets outside. When they were young, sometimes they'd take off and we'd spend up to a couple of hours searching for them, daytime or evening. Although I never allowed them to stay out either overnight or when we weren't home, I still experienced many 'heart attack' situations (dogs chasing them, other forms of getting into trouble, etc.) and used to worry myself sick that I might some day suffer guilt over some accident. However, when I thought of the alternative of imprisoning them indoors (they would NOT have stood for that, such as they were!), I knew the trade-off was worth my personal fears, because they were living a fuller life, with interesting things for their psyches being provided as only the outdoors could. In later years, in fact just the year when my boy got ill, I'd been restricting him more (his sister stuck closer to home than he did, generally) because of a possible impending cat bylaw which wouldn't allow them to leave their own yards and I was trying to get him used to it, in case. He became even more adamant about going further than usual, even with us (which we normally were). Little did I know that would be his last summer and fall to enjoy the lifestyle I'd given him all his previous years. I mucked it up. I ruined his last warm seasons by my paranoia. So, I still suffered guilt afterwards, but not how I'd imagined I would.....not for letting him run around, happy and free (and by the way, I was always a responsible mom by never allowing them to get into other people's yards to do any damage or otherwise disturb people)...but for taking some of that away from him in his final year on earth. Everything has a trade-off and we seem to suffer guilt no matter what decisions we make, because we're not privy to future events. I was SO angry with myself for letting my fears rule my life, when he'd always modeled fearlessness to me/for me. A life well-lived for a cat who wishes to stay close to its roots is a gift some of us can give them. You tried to provide happiness and fulfillment for Luna's wholeness and that's not something to feel sorry about (even though I can imagine what you're going through).

Thank you for your kind response. My husband and I are devastated right now. Everywhere we look we see reminders
of Luna. Anything that I can say about it just falls short of the mark. We buried her yesterday under a weeping willow
near the creek. I know that we gave her the happiest life that we could, I just wish I was there to protect her. As with
a lot of people who don't have children, we considered her our child, one third(at least) of our family. We based major
life decisions around her (such as to move).

I have always loved animals to a degree that many people do not understand. I grew up in rural areas with not a lot of
kids around to play with. Animals of all kinds naturally were my friends. They are honest, innocent, and trusting. Each one is totally unique. I think that is what is making this even harder for us. Luna, like all kitties, was one in a million.

Thanks again for listening. I wish you happy thoughts of your dear Kaluja.