My boyfriend and I went out of town for almost a week to visit family; while we were gone our cat, Ixty, stayed at home with a friend and our dog, Sadie, stayed with my sister. We just got back Monday night. Instead of heading straight home we stopped off at the bar we sometimes visit on Monday nights, where our friend works and several of our friends go. We were welcomed home with a couple drinks and funny anecdotes. Feeling all warm and fuzzy, we decided on the drive home that we'd let Ixty have one more night of ruling the roost and leave Sadie with my sis; he and the dog tolerate each other but Ixty really likes it when he gets us all to himself. But when we got home, instead of being greeted with a haughty "where have you been?" meow, we heard nothing.

I found Ixty silently stumbling toward the door. He looked emaciated, his eyes were glazed over, and he smelled really bad. We tried to give him some of his most favorite spoiled-kitty canned food but he could barely eat a whole bite. I brought him water in a glass--his favorite--but he could barely drink. When I took him to the bathroom faucet to drink, which he would normally beg like a dog to do, he fell into the basin.

We called the emergency vet and took him in immediately. I thought maybe he'd gone outside, which he always manages to do even though we do our best to keep him indoors (he figured out how to open the screen door), and got into something nasty, or perhaps caught a worm from an alley cat. No big deal, right?

After X-rays and tests we learned he was in an advance stage of kidney failure due to kidney stones. The vet told us his chances of surviving were basically none. He was only five years old. We put him to sleep on the spot. I held his head up for him and petted him, looked him in the eyes and told him how much I loved him over and over again as he started zoning out. He was flicking his tail--his sign of saying "I love you too"--until the end.

It was so sudden, surreal, and shocking, and I'm traumatized. It felt like a dream. I had very little time to process that this was it, he was going away. And then he was gone.

I feel terrible for not putting two and two together sooner, though I had no idea Chronic Renal Failure even existed. Before we left he seemed a little drowsier and thirsty than usual but I thought it was because we're having a really hot summer in Chicago. He lost a little weight but I thought it was because he was running around outside so much. He wasn't eating much of one kind of food, but he's always been finicky and I've had to switch brands for him lots of times. Why, oh why, didn't these things alarm me?

I go back and forth between justifying my nonchalance--he'd always been a hearty cat even if he was slim; he was always a little aloof and we went through personality changes a lot together so I thought we were just on an "out" phase--and feeling like a horrible mom. I feel like I really did him wrong by treating myself to a little fun before coming home. He needed me, and I was out with my friends. How could I let him down like that?

I got Ixty when I went to a family reunion out in Missouri farmland exactly five years ago. My grandmother's sister had a barn full of inbred kitties, and she urged me to take one home. I picked out a teeny tiny white and grey one, who was already so fiesty he wasn't drinking from his mom anymore; in fact, he was knocking out other cats who were eating from a dish of hard food. I thought he, the kitten who acted like an adult, would be a good compliment for my other cat, Lace, who was eight years old at the time and still acted like a kitten--she was never properly weaned from her mother. And I was right! Lace tried to threaten Ixty, but Ixty wouldn't have it. He just wanted to play. A couple days later, Lace gave up her tough act and within weeks the two were great friends.

Ixty taught me about patience. He was a crazy barn kitty who just could not settle down! I'd be gone for a couple hours and I'd return to a totally trashed apartment. He jumped around like a monkey and scratched me like crazy for the first two years but he was so insanely cute and hilarious I didn't mind one bit.

He also taught me about independence. He wasn't a clingy cat whatsoever--I needed him more than he needed me! I'd want to snuggle and he'd try to squirm away. It was a game. As soon as I left him alone, he'd come curl up on me and start purring. He tried to impress me in silly, subtle ways. I always wished I could approach more relationships like this.

Ixty was really funny! He'd lay indignantly on the newspaper I was reading, the clothes I was folding, the tub I wanted to bathe in. He'd talk to me in his weird little screaming voices, making outlandish demands that'd comprimise his safety. He was a daredevil--he lept onto our neighbor's roof a few times--and he liked scaring himself. But all I ever had to do was call his name and he'd come running, even if he was a few fences over.

I had to put down Lace a little over a year ago because she developed an open tumor that, despite medication and surgery, just would not go away. That was hard enough. I had her for seven years--I got her when she was five--and I still cry when I think about her death. And now Ixty's gone too! Ixty, my baby Ixty, the most amazing creature I've ever met, isn't with me anymore. We understood each other on a really simple, cosmic level. We enriched each other's lives. My boyfriend is being so sensitive and thoughtful, but it's not bringing me much solace. I found this board and it's helping. I know this is an unusually long post, so thank you for reading.

I am so sorry for your loss ~ Chronic Renal Failure is so insidious and unfair ~ My Amber also died from this ~ you cannot ever blame yourself ~ you loved your sweet kitty with all your heart ~ that is so apparent from the post ~ I feel like I know this spirited little fella ~ It seems to me that the kidneys fail suddenly ~ because that is what happened with Ambie ~ and I too had been away on a trip ~ it was as if she waited for me to come home ~ hanging on to leave when I was there ~ so our spirits could be strong together even when both of our bodies were weak ~ hers from disease and mine from despair and grief at the truth of what we had to do together ~ but that is the key you were both together at the end ~ and you were able to hold her and ferret her soul across the way to where she is forever free ~ in time you will find ways to be with her in this new way ~ but for now it is so important to honor your feelings and develop small rituals to express and show your love and respect for this wonderful and loving babe that shared your life ~ The Universe is a a better place for those such as yourself who love and truly get to know the spirit and soul of another life form other than our own ~ Thank you for sharing the life you led with lxty ~ My heart goes out to you ~ Sincere Condolences, Kathryn

I am so sorry for your loss. I undestand what you mean about not being prepared and it being traumatic. I still have images of my babies death at home. The one thing I am sure of now is that the fact that they were able to die in their mommies hands is what matters. Not when or why they died, but that it was with us. My kaluja did the same tip of the tail flick when he was happy with me. Your baby passed on filled with your love, looking into your safe eyes and being released from the pain.
I am still in so much pain, but it's my pain not his. He is ok now. He gets to be free of all that final illness and he gets to be my little bear again, fighting with all the other cats, rolling in the dirt, watching over me and my home.
We loved them and they now it.
Stay close to the group. Everyone in here has really been wonderful for me and I know they will help you too.
Sarah

thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm feeling a little relieved.

I am so sorry about your Ixty. He sounds like such a unique and lovable spirit. Your avatar that you have of him is simply stunning! I know that he will be missed. Take solace in the fact that you were there for him when he went. This forum is really good. Come back when you need to.

Take Care,
Cynthia

It is amazing how cats can hide their symptoms until it is too late to help them - this is instinctual and there is nothing you could have done about it.

I am so sorry for your loss - it is truly terrible to have this happen so quickly. Edgar died of a heart attack while I was ON vacation - I rushed home two days early anyway and could barely contain my grief. He was already gone, never to be seen again.

I hope your heart mends soon - it will take some time - this kind of hole in your spirit takes time to fill back in. They take a piece of us with them when they go - it will take some time for it to grow back.

Our hearts and spirits are with you while you mend