My baby cat Kaluja died last night around 3:20am. I feel I made a horrible mistake letting him pass away at home. It was just sooo horrible. He held on for hours and I feel like I should have taken him to the emergency vet and had him put down the minute he went into the first stages, but I had no clue what it was going to be like. I feel so bad. My baby is gone! My baby is gone! When his body finally shut down I felt so stupid for doing it this way. I know he wanted to be with me, but once he was in that coma state I should have taken him in.
I'm taking him to the vets today to be cremated. When I look at him he is still my baby. He doesn't look like an empty shell, but I feel like an empty shell. What do I do with all his things???? How do I sleep at night without him??/ How do I come home and not be with him anymore???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God help me.
Sarah

Oh Sarah,
I am so sorry about Kaluja.
However, you didn't make a mistake! Please don't feel bad about your baby dying at home. I believe that he was exactly where he wanted to be....with you.
So many people on this board feel horribly for putting their baby down. It seems that there's no "right" way to lose our pet. We just don't want them to die, EVER!
It is so hard NOT to question every move us humans make before our pets die....if only we had done this, or that, or I could have, should have, etc...
I think we all experience that to varying degrees and it is completely normal.
You know in your heart how much you loved Kaluja and only wanted the best for him.
I know it is hard coming home, and our pets are NOT THERE. I avoided being home as much as possible for at least 2 weeks after Dixie died. I had to stay BUSY BUSY BUSY. I had my husband hide her collar, leash, bones, etc. from me because looking at those things was unbearable. They're still hidden from me, but at least now I can look at (and post) her picture. THAT is something I couldn't do for weeks...
It DOES get easier, trust me. The initial shock/grief is the hardest. I don't think the pain ever goes away, but it does diminish. hang in there!
You and Kaluja are in my thoughts!
Dana

Sarah, I am so sorry about your baby. I have thought about you often since you responded to my grief concerning my cat Devon. There is never a good way to lose someone you love. Unfortunately, we have to live with it. We can all be assured, though, that we loved our babies completely, and we would do anything to have them back! It has been almost 3 weeks since I lost Devy. It has been the longest 3 weeks of my life. I cannot remember not hurting like this. I miss her so much I honestly don't know what to do. I am not telling you this to make you feel worse, but to let you know that we all know exactly what you are going through.
I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do without her. Please know, that we are here for you.
Julie

I'm so sorry about Kaluja, I've been worried about you and your baby since your first post. As you know, my Cosmo had the same problem, and I chose the other route.(Not trying the fluids and meds, but putting him down) I have guilt about that, and that is why your story hit me so hard, because I didn't try. I don't think anything we decide is good enough, because we just really want them to survive. Choosing to fight or let go, is not much of a choice when it ends the same.
I'll be sending you prayers through this difficult time, and sending you comfort so that you can find peace. No matter what your choice was ( or would have been), you would still be feeling guilt, I'm sure.
I don't know when, but sometime, you will begin to feel better and forgive yourself, because you only did what you thought was right for your baby. The "what ifs..." are the toughest thoughts to have, but we can't turn back time, so eventually you will begin to let your guilt go. Kaluja is in a beautiful place, with no memory of illness and pain, only love, happiness, and peace. Rest assured, you will be with your baby again. Until then, my thoughts are with you.
Love,
Michelle

I believe that my baby is happy wherever he is, it's just the images of his passing that I just can't get out of my mind. It was all just so much worse then I expected. My house feels emprty, but I'm trying to be strong. I asked a friend to spend the night tonight so I have someone in the house with me. I have been very lucky with how loving my friends, family and clients have been, but it still feels so surreal. Not everyone knows the love of their pets like we do, so it's hard for them to understand the loss and the feeling of powerlessness that has swallowed me up.
Thank you so much for being here. This site is keeping me from losing it completely.
Sarah

Hi Sarah,

I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful baby. I also lost my old boy Smokey to kidney failure and we had the chance to prolong his live with IV fluids. We did that for a couple of days, but Smokey hated it so much, that we made the decision not to put him throught that. 4 days after that choice we then had to take him into the vet's to be put down, as we wanted to make sure that he wasn't in any pain. I don't believe there is a right choice or a wrong choice, as making either decision is one of the hardest things us parents of fur babies have to make. Don't beat yourself up over your decision, as I know Kuluja loved you and knows that you were only making your decisions on that love. We all go throught the guilt trip, no matter what, so just know that all of us here do understand and are here for you. Try to keep busy, if you need to ask a friend to take care of Kuluja's things do so. Just make sure that they keep them for you, because you will want them back at some point, when it doesn't hurt so bad and that will happen. It may not seem like that now, because the hurt is so fresh, but it will happen, slowly but surely. I will be thinking of and sending you my prayers. Take care of you and come back as ofter as you need to, as we are all here for you.

LouAnn Needham
Mother to: Jacob (passed), Smokey (passed) Ziggy, Quinton, Tyler & BobCat

Sarah,
I'm so sorry that you lost your dear Kaluja. I have been thinking of you and your kitty ever since your first post. It is normal to feel guilt over your kitty's death. I felt guilty for putting Pumpkin to sleep. The morning I took him to the vet he was curled up comfortably in his favorite sleeping spot. Even though he hadn't eaten for a week and was unable to walk more than a few steps without collapsing, I felt TERRIBLE taking him out of our house for his last trip to the vet. He cried all the way to the vet and it just pierced my heart.
You knew your sweet Kaluja more than anyone else and did the very best you could do for her.
Love,
Helena

Dearest Sarah,
You poor soul......I'm SO sorry Kaluja had to leave you, after you tried so hard. I know pretty closely how you feel, as I kept my furboy, Sabin, at home, too, til the end, and his end was terrible-looking, too. For him it was cancer (too late for chemo, even if we'd wanted it, or surgery, it was so advanced), but his sister developed Chronic Renal Failure right after he left. Everyone here is right in that no matter what our decisions are, we are left with doubt and often feelings of failure, even IF we did the best we knew how at the time. (you don't know how many people have told me that myself....and I STILL felt like a monster most of the time) We feel just like other parents do when they lose human children...except maybe a bit worse because with furkids, we're actually allowed the CHOICE to euthanize or not, where humans don't have to go down that road as often (maybe with those on life support, but that's about it so far). It's both a terrible and a blessed position to be in, and I both hate it and welcome it, if you know what I mean. Some people say you'll just KNOW when the time is right, but I'm not so sure that's always true. In my case, by the time I knew, it was already too late to call a vet to come to the house (Sabin left only 15 minutes before the doc was to arrive with an antibiotic injection - a long story). My heart absolutely cries for you, because I know how frightening, confusing and horrible it is to watch your beloved go in trauma. especially when you believe or wonder if taking them to a clinic will make things worse or better. That was one of the few things I felt certain about, despite Sabin's suffering - he HATED vets and clinics, and we'd had to have him both there and in Emerg. a few times in the final month already. I tell myself at least I did that much right. I had watched my beloved budgie pass traumatically, too, many years ago (there WAS no real help for birds back then), but still didn't know how it would be for anyone else dying, and everyone's passing can be so different, so I understand the feelings of helplessness and ignorance that cloud such decisions. However, there is something to be said for dying at home, in familiar surroundings, where it's quieter and more peaceful than a clinic, and especially with your loved one there by your side. Dwell on that as much as you can. Those images will likely stay with you awhile, but in time you'll also remember just as vividly all the wonderful times with your baby. Grief equals suffering, so don't expect too much of yourself yet...just ride it out.

If my last animal communication is to be believed ( just recently), perhaps Kaluja left his body when it became too uncomfortable, as was claimed my furboy did. Certainly people in comas are now believed to often be 'present' yet somewhat 'out of body' at the same time, sometimes preparing to go but aware of who's there with them in the room. If it helps, believe this, at least until you're able to think about things more clearly. Be ever so gentle with yourself right now, as your dear boy would want you to be.

As for his things, many suggest you put them away for awhile, yet I didn't. I WANTED them there, to keep me feeling close to him. I was undecided as to what to do with his body, but finally ended up putting a few of his favourites in with him in his casket, along with a picture of him, me and my husband, and one of him with his sister. Do whatever you're most comfortable with, and if you can't decide right away, that's okay. I wouldn't throw anything away though, as you may want to make a memory box or something much later. We had a shadow box made and I arranged some more favourite things inside and hung it on a wall (but this took me over 2 years).

I wish all the support in the world to you, Sarah, and am glad to hear you have some people around who are helping you out - that's a blessing, and is something Kaluja might have a paw in, because he loved you and because you would do the same for him.

Sarah, I can't add anything to what has already been said. I am so sorry.

Tonight I fell apart. I think I shut down when Kaluja died because it was so horrible to watch. I was a crying mess up until I took him to the vets the next morning to be cremated then I just shut down. After the vets I went straight to work at a clients and didn't get home until late that evening. The next day I did the same thing, then wed. I woke up and couldn't leave the house. I'm embarrassed to say it, but I couldn't even shower and brush my teeth. For two days I just laid on my couch feeling like my insides were dieing. I forced myself to work today and spent the evening with a close friend, but on the way home I lost it. I was practically hyper ventilating from crying so hard. I was afraid I would crash my car at one point, so I had to force myself to calm down. I know time will heal, but the aching emptiness inside feels like it's eating away at me. Like many others, I have thought about just going and rescuing another cat....and I know eventually I will, but I know that his personality will not be matched and I've not mourned enough to appreciate another personality. Yesterday, I walked into my kitchen for no reason besides feeling lost and wandering around my apartment aimlessly, then I looked out my kitchen window and saw a cat on the wall. I opened the back door and instead of running away, she came in my house. She sat on my couch with me a few minutes then left. I'd like to think Kaluja sent her to me for some comfort, which she did give me, but this cat also showed me how special Kaluja's personality was and how my next kitty will have it's very own personality and I need to be able to appreciate that and not compare. In the meantime, I'm trying to remember that there is a difference between mourning and self pity. I need to mourn, but that means I will have to walk through nights like tonight.
Thank God I can come here and tell you all my truth.

You are in my thoughts and prayers... I am so very sorry for your loss.

Amy

I have a poem for you that I think will help.. read it carefully, wipe your eyes often and know in your heart that it is the truth...

MAY I GO NOW?

May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain filled days
and endless painful nights?

I've lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?

I didn't want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and loving light.

I want to go. I really do.
It's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day.

To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you're sad and afraid,
because I see your tears.

I'll not be far I promise that,
and hope you'll always know
that my spirit will be close to you
wherever you may go.

Thank you so for loving me.
You know I love you, too.
That's why it's hard to say goodbye
and end this life with you.

So hold me now just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you'll let me go today.

Amy

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious kitty. I lost my dog Ginger 3 days ago and I feel like I'm going to die myself.
My kitty Buster, lived a long life with me for 22 years. He died in my arms at home too about 4 months ago. I made the same decision you did. Don't feel like you've done anything wrong. There is no right or wrong. Just pain we have to work through.

I noticed when I lost Buster that his spirit was with me all over the house. I could feel him on his favorite chairs, found myself stepping over places he would normally be stretched out, and would hear him jump off of the couch and wander in the middle of the night. This lasted for a couple of months. I think he stayed until he felt I would be ok. When these feelings would happen, we called them "Buster Moments". Once I even said to my empty bed...Buster, I know you're there, I can feel you. I miss you but I'll be ok soon, because I know you do not want me to feel sad.

Now I'm going through the same thing with Ginger. I hear her sigh, I feel her spying on me from the stairs, I can smell her in the rooms. It's hard, but I know from the past experience with my sweet Buster, that God has a way of allowing our pets to keep an eye on us until we are ok. Nothing mystical or creepy about it. It's just the way God helps us.

My heart and love are with you.

Dear Sarah,
I'm glad you told your truth here, too. It's so important not to have to hide how things are affecting you and it helps everyone see we're not alone in those feelings.

I'm comforted, too, by your relating of the cat who you think may have been sent by Kaluja, as I had the same thing happen to me and have often wondered if my boy somehow got 'inside' that other cat's head and led her to me. I'd been missing being able to hold Sabin so terribly when I got several visits from a neighbourhood cat who looked like an exact cross between Sabin and his sister (except she was black like my boy), even down to an exact cross between their two fur types/feels. This cat came right to me and let me pick her up, then started curling her paw when I stroked her, just the way Sabin used to ( and his sister never did ). After your story, now I'm even more certain our beloveds do this for us.

Like Gingergirl, Sabin's sister and I could hear him jumping down from his favourite places for a few wks after. He also hung around to tromp my hair and nuzzle my ear one time 1 or 2 days later, in the morning as I was just waking up (and I was already awake), as well as clawing the carpet in a closet he'd spent alot of time in. These signs came to me both when I was a little calmer for a few minutes but also when I was totally raw with pain. I also had several visits from a robin who I swore was doing Sabin's bidding as well, as he would hop towards, not away from me, looked me straight in the eye and would chirp in response everytime I talked to him as if he was my guy visiting me. Keep yourself aware enough to notice all the signals around you because I think you'll find your Kaluja is with you still. I've had many other signs through the 5 long years since my boy transitioned, and still do, especially when I'm hurting and missing him.

I think it's wise of you to not adopt again just yet, as I personally feel it isn't fair to put expectations on another soul to take away our pain, or subject them to our fresh, heavy grief so soon afterwards. Grief isn't over in a day, much as we often might wish it was. Instead, I see it as a sign of honouring the love we shared with our kidlets, to mourn as completely as we can first, until we feel we can offer that expanded love to another who deserves it just as much.

Even if self-pity is part of the spectrum of feelings included in the grief process, please don't attach any shame to this, nor to lack of self-grooming at such a trying time! Grieving is such hard work - if anyone deserves to feel sorry for themselves for awhile, it's those who are grieving. As far as I'm concerned, everyone should feel sorry for the grief-stricken because there's nothing more challenging to go through than sorrow. Too many feelings colliding all at once...it's a wonder we survive. Accept them all in yourself because they're all normal to loss. Talk about them here, or with anyone you can trust to handle you gently. Give yourself full permission to grieve. We're all here for you, Sarah.

Dear Sarah,

I really feel for what you are going through right now. My very first kitty lived to be 14 years old and when he died
(I had him from age 9 until 23) I felt like it was the end of childhood. It took me over 5 years to be able to get some
closure.

About a month ago, my husband and I managed to trap all of the feral cats in our vacinity and have them
altered and released back in our neighborhood. One of the cats had three kittens and we volunteered to take care of them if no one adopted them.(we didn't want them put down) Anyway, I had my Luna to take care of and we had just
nursed a baby feral that died after 9 days which broke our hearts, and I really didn't want another kitten! My husband
is still crying over that little feral that only lived with us for 9 days of constant nursing. So, when two weeks ago we
were told that one of the three kittens didn't get adopted, I selfishly thought, "oh, no...I don't want another kitten just now!"

To make a long story short, we took in this little guy and he stole our hearts. Our Luna was just starting to get along with him when she died yesterday. So, here we are crying our eyes out for our lost baby (Luna) and here's little Sid Vicious(the new kitten)clowning around all over the place and purring against our necks. It does make me wonder about the Universe.

I am sure that there is some sort of Spiritual animal hotline where they can see those of us who are in need of them.
Hang in there.

Love,
Heidi

Dear Sarah,
Please don't feel bad about Kaluja dying at home. Our beloved cats PK, Fella, and Garfield all died at home in the arms of those who loved them. Although these were the toughest and saddest times one could experience, it has made their memories even more precious. I don't think they would have wanted to spend their last moments anywhere else.
Steve

hi

first of all im so sorry about your loss. when u said what should i do with all the stuff ....well .......my dog picasso died almost a year ago........and to this day i have everything he ever touched , every toy, every blanket, all of his clothes, his tshirts and sweaters, and i have two new dogs who could use them, but i just cant bring myself to let them use them. so i have them in my closet in a special picasso box, which i can smell , and go through. sounds weird im sure, but you could do that with your pets things.

or you could keep the most special ones, and donate the others to homeless animals, which was what i was going to do, but i cant bear to part with them

again im sorry
amber