I have been coming here for comfort since my beautiful bichon died on May 5th but I have not been able to write anything. I feel like I don't deserve to have any comfort from anybody. Tilly was the most gorgeous dog - I nursed her the day she was born and she and I were made for each other. We adored each other. Even after I had my children she just thought she was the firstborn child!!! At 7 she got diagnosed with a heart murmur which in my mind I just dismissed because I knew she would live a huge long life - she was too much a part of my life to die. She got to 12 and then out of nowhere she collapsed. It was so sudden, so completely unexpected. She had always been the most incredibly well dog. They checked her heart and it went bad so quickly. I had an ultrasound done and it was a grade 4 (very bad) but after she was put on meds she was back to normal. I couldn't beleive it. The vet said she could go on for a couple of years like this...well she had one good week and then all of a sudden she just went down again. She stopped eating. The vet said there was some tablets available, very expensive but sometimes the results are miraculous so I put her on them. She was so sick - I am starting to cry to think of it. I feel so terrible that I just couldn't bring myself to put her down. I kept praying the new tablets would work but they just wouldnt. I just couldnt do it and I feel sick that I let her suffer. I feel like I let her down so badly. She died in my arms at 3am. I wanted to end her suffering but I just kept hoping she would recover. Now I just beat myself up constantly that I should have got a second opinion, did I do the meds wrong, how much did she suffer. It goes on and on. The vet suggested I put her on this special heart diet stuff and she hated it but I kept giving it to her - if only I had known she only had a few days I would never have given it to her. I know this all seems a bit ridiculous but I just feel I didn't do everything I could have when it really mattered. Her brother collapsed this Sunday from the same thing so it has all overwhelmed me again. Anyway I feel better having at last written this down. She really was the most gorgeous dog and I miss my Tills so much.

I just read your post and it breaks my heart ~ I beg you to take a step back and understand at the level of your soul that everything you did was out of LOVE for your Tilly ~ Dying in your arms exactally the way you both needed it to be ~ This stage of life is intensely personal and spiritually driven ~ there are no rules that apply ~ you go with your heart and soul and spirit ~ with the knowledge that nobody else knows your sweet baby better than you ~ you have cared for her every moment of her earthly life and have provided a golden cloud of love to transition her soul from the physical to the realm where there are no barriers to keep ~ I urge you to trust the love you have had together and although you may not see it now it is that very love that will heal your earthly self and help you to find the new relationship you will have forever more with Tilly as you spiritually bond in this new way ~ I am so filled with emotion to know how intensely filled with compassion and caring that your life has been with your sweet dear Tilly ~ Be gentle with yourself and remember that you are never far from one another ~ the physical bonds are gone now and the spirits can soar with joy ~ leaving rainbow wind and glittering dust in their wake ~ I am so sorry for your loss ~ May LOVE help you find your way back to one another again ~ It may take some time ~ Be Gentle with Yourself ~ Sincere Thoughts, Kathryn

I believe a number of us question our actions after our furry companions die. I know I did. I put my best friend to sleep four weeks ago, he was 13 years old and full of infection, cancer, etc. After he passed, I beat myself up (and still do sometimes) for ending his life. People told me it was the loving, unselfish thing to do. I bought in to it at the time, but cry to this day that I didn't do more of the drug-type interventions. He had been through so many surgeries, I couldn't put him through anymore pain. What I'm trying to say is you're not alone in the guilt stage and I sincerely understand the pain you're feeling - let yourself grieve. You Tilly was a very big part of your life. My Beau was my best friend. He was with me through a failed marriage, my children emancipating, lonely nights..... I loved him so much that when he died, I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. That feeling went on for weeks, and honestly, I cry over him still - not everday, but often.

As Kathryn wrote, do not be angry with yourself. You were a great pet parent. I know so many people that don't love and care for their animals the way and you and I did for ours during their lifetime. You should feel proud of all you did for Tilly. Proud that you took the time and took her to the vet, spent money on the medicines and nurtured her the way you did. A lot of pets are not luckily enough to have a good home like yours.

I do know that a lot of friends and some family (in my case anyway) do not understand the heartbreak you are feeling at this time. We here on this post do. We are glad you found us.
Marci

I'm so sorry for your loss and pain...
I understand the guilt, very much - I put Freeway to sleep after a tumor in his chest took over so badly that he couldn't eat, drink, or lay down. And the guilt is still there.... No matter what we do, it will always feel wrong. We put them to sleep, we feel guilty for killing them.. we don't, we feel guilty for letting them suffer.. No matter what the guilt is almost certainly there. But in the end you have to trust that you did everything you possibly could, and that your little one went knowing she was loved and adored.. and it's obvious that she was. Please be easy on yourself.... and come here whenever you need to.

Please, please don’t feel guilty !!! I’m so sorry about your loss...I can relate somewhat to your situation....we lost the love of our lives, our 8 yr old Golden Retriever Magee to liver cancer... before knowing she even had cancer she developed a large blister on her foot so I brought her to the vet they put her on meds for a week...well it didn’t change so they were going to remove it...beforehand they had to do pre-surgical bloodwork and that’s when everything turned upside down....her liver enzymes were off the chart...they knew something was wrong...they did x-rays and her liver was twice it’s size...meanwhile our heads are spinning because we didn’t even know she was sick.....they recommended we take her to a specialist which we did and they did a days worth of tests, stuck her in every possible spot w/needles, withdrew fluid from her belly, ultrasounds everything....the price was over $1,500.00 just the tests alone...but it didn’t matter....then they determined it was cancer and recommended putting her through chemo...daily injections plus meds would give her 6-9 months !! I couldn’t believe this was happening and 6-9 months is nothing !! But when you are faced with an option of helping a loving pet you’re willing to do anything !!! So we went for it...well the chemo made Magee VERY sick...she stopped eating and became lethargic and lost 12 lbs in one week....but in the back of my mind I kept saying we have to keep her on it...it will make her better...it will make her better....even though I knew how sick it was making her....it was awful !!!! Well it didn’t Magee better she died in my husband’s arms 12 DAYS after her initial treatment......the morning she died I was laying in bed and she put her nose inches from mine...as to say “I’ve had enough, I can’t fight this battle anymore” and hours later she was laying down wanting to rest her head on the floor so badly she couldn’t..it was breaking my heart it was torture seeing her like that.....I didn’t even have enough time to get her to the vet....her breathing became very labored....I was so confused I didn’t know what to do....I have no idea if she was in pain or not...I tell myself she wasn’t, but I’ll never know.
after becoming hysterical after she died I got angry and questioned why I put her through the chemo..if I hadn’t she would still be here !!! Why did I listen to the vet????? I should have gotten a 2nd opinion....8 is too young !!! So what you are experiencing is normal...I went through it too...the sadness, the guilt, the endless questions & thoughts....everything...Magee died only 3 weeks ago but I think about her every minute...and I will for a long time...there are a certain amount of steps when you lose a pet you are just experiencing one of the ones millions of loving pet owners do...after Magee died and I told our vet...he said we did more for her than most people do for their pets...and you did as much as you possible could for Tilly...and never think you are being ridiculous ..you are just being human with a HUGE heart !!! Please take care of yourself....the only thing that will help ease the pain is time.....hang in there !!! Jen

Thank you Kathryn, Marci and Jenn. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face as I read your posts. It is particulary helpful to read that you feel as guilty when you do put them down (not that I would wish this on anyone!) but more that the overwhelming guilt can be bought on either way. I guess it is just so hard to lose them - wouldn't it be great if they could tell us what to do ...and when. I have always thought it would be best for my pets to die in their beds one night aged about 30 (!!!) but then I would send myself crazy worrying they had suffered during the night without me. There just is no "good" way is there. I am trying to focus on all the wonderful times I had with Tills rather than just that last horrible 2-3 days. Thats not what her life was about and I just have to let it go somehow. In a way I feel like it hasn't really happened - like it is just ridiculous to think Tilly is not here now

I would like to tell you about one of her endearing little habits. She hated me leaving her at home and so to punish me she would get a soft toy like one of my children's teddy bears and leave it face down just inside the front door so I would see it as soon as I came home!! We christened this behaviour the "murdered teddy bear" routine.

After she died that night I had her body at home for about 8 hours until I could take her to the crematorium and I let my children pat and cuddle her and we all cried together. Then my lovely 10 year old daughter went outside and made her a daisy chain to wear. She looked so peaceful and I think though very sad it was a very healing process for us all.

Anyway to you all your posts are a wonderful comfort even to just read and ponder on.

Anthea

Sorry second Jenn with Magee I missed you off my thank yous - we must have been typing at the same time!!! Your post helped me hugely. You situation sounds very similiar - the overwhelming panic and shock. And trying to make decisions when you head feels as if it is full of cotton wool. I come from a family that all have "guilt" as our middle name so I think the guilt phase is going to be my hardest to get through. My best friend (who has never had a pet and is very pragmatic) did not help the situation by telling me I needed to get a grip, put Tilly down and focus on the really tragic things that were happening in the world - like that would help!!! I am actually not angry at her, disappointed a bit but even more I am sad for her that she has never experienced the absolute joy that these pets bring us and therefore the terrible pain when we lose them. Your Magee was a gorgeous dog. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

Anthea

Anthea,
I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, but I just want to tell you that I too am suffering from guilt over Dixie's death. She wasn't put to sleep, but was hit by a car, right in front of me. For the last almost 5 weeks, I have been beating myself up...if I had done ONE thing different that day, she'd still be here!!!
Why didn't I run faster, yell louder, make a bigger commotion to get the driver's attention, why was I taking the trash out at the time (I usually did it much later in the evening), why was I so STUPID to let my dogs follow me outside UNLEASHED on the corner of a busy 4-way intersection, etc.etc. I wish I could turn back time.
But I honestly feel that you did the absolute BEST that you could have done for your Tilly.
Unfortunately, our babies can't tell us what's on their mind....
I believe that if you felt she was suffering, you would have maken the decision to end her suffering because you loved her so much!
But you tried everything you could to prolong her life!! She probably had many more days added to her life because of you!
Please don't beat yourself up...in your heart, you KNOW how much you loved Tilly and you KNOW that you would have done anytthing to help her. And you did!!
I hope you're feeling better soon...I still cry daily , but this board is a GREAT source of comfort and support.
Take care,
Dana

Thank you for writing this, I put Max, my shep mix down today. The vet told me he had an infection that could possibly be cured in maybe a month or more. He was 14 and his knee was torn up and he was struggling to breathe and couldn't swallow. he'd had cancer surgery and now he couldn't walk and was disoriented and afraid. He still wanted to be with me and tried to follow me around like he always did but he couldn't. I had to carry him outside and it hurt him to be picked up but he was horrified if he had an accident. I think I should have treated him because I want him back, but I also think I waited too long because he was in pain from all the other problems. It's so hard but I had to tell the vet that he had had enough. Max and I both had to go through what we did to know what to do. I can look at things now and say I should have done it sooner, but I had to know that there was no other way. Also when you look at each thing that happens it is ok to treat them, it's when you get too many of those problems that the total of them all makes your decision right. All you did was try to do the best you could for one you loved, I'm sorry you feel guilty.
Pat