Does anyone else have a spouse who doesn't know how to express their feelings? TJ passed away 4 days ago and my husband hasn't even so much as given me a hug. He never has been good at showing his feelings. I have only seen him cry once and that was 18 years ago when our dog was hit by a car. It could be part my fault though...the night TJ passed away...I chased my husband out of the room because I was so distraught and out of it that I didn't want him to see me that way. I don't know if he's afraid that he'll make me cry if he says something or what it is. I always told him that after having TJ for 22 years...that when TJ passed away he may as well bury me with him because I would be totally out of it.

Lisa...NOAH'S ARK

Lisa, My husband has had the sympathy of a rock sometimes....... I have been a near complete basket case since Odin's death and he has yet to shed a single tear for him. Sometimes I wish we could have just traded shoes. I will say that he has been there most of the time that I needed him for support or just a sholder to cry on though. In the six years we have been togeher I have yet to see him cry, although I know that he has. People experience grief in many ways. It is also how they are brought up. Both he and his cousin were brought up with very little sympathy and compassion when they were growing up and thus that is what they exhibit now. As per my conversation with his cousin last night. "It was just a cat and that I should just imagine that he ran away to get married or is on vacation or something" Yeah that made me me feel a whole lot better let me tell you. But this is also a woman who puts The Wizard of Oz on everyday for her mini pincher Max and gives him a birthday party every year. She is gonna have it tough when he goes. The animals that we keep, the love and comfort that they give is priceless. They are truly unselfish creatures. There is no hidden agenda, what they give is true, and that is why we love them. People who do not value or experience that type of unconditional love are lacking in life I think. We are going to pick up Odin's ashes later this morning. I am sitting here with his collar next to me, oddly enough at peace. Although I know that will change later. I've accepted that my baby is coming home, just not how I would have wanted him to come back to me. It will get better in time....

Cynthia

Hi Lisa,
I do not know your husband's reasons for not comforting you, but I will speculate. It may, perhaps, be that he does not know what to say, or that he has a tough time seeing you in such pain. It could also be because he feels helpless. I know that my Dad has a hard time listening to problems he can't fix, and will try to put me off even though I've explained that I just need someone to listen sometimes, and that there isn't always a solution. My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 years, and although he is great most of the time, and he has cried over our loss, he just doesn't feel it as deep as I do. Just this morning, in fact, I caught an intense wave of sadness and left the room, Aaron came in and asked me what was wrong, and I told him nothing. He got a little upset with me, thinking I was holding back, and I just lost it. I told him that I just had a memory of our Mo and it made me sad, and sometimes I don't want to explain it because I get all worked up. He said he just wanted to be sure it wasn't something he was not aware of. We hugged, and I cried.
People that love us, have a hard time seeing us in pain that they cannot fix, and they will often wonder how long it will take before we return to "normal". Of course, the answer is never, because I believe we will never be the same way we were before our loss. It changes us forever, just like any other major life event will. I'm sure you have heard the saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I don't mean that your husband would say something insensitive, but he may not know how to word what he is feeling or thinking, and he may be afraid he'll do more damage if he approaches you. You may be right in thinking that it is resulting from pushing him away that night, or he may remember you telling him to "bury you when TJ dies", so he may think he doesn't mean that much to you right now. These are only some possibilities, the only way to know what is really going on, is to ask him. You should also tell him that you need him to acknowledge your loss, and to comfort you, but remind him that there may be times you need to be left alone. Let him know it's nothing personal against him, it's just how we cope sometimes. Communication is the key.
Aaron has always known that I am a loner, especially if I'm having a real tough time, but he is around just in case.
I hope this helps shed some light on your situation, but no matter what happens, at least you can depend on all of us here at LS. You could mention coming here to your husband, it might help him to find advice on helping you, or himself. Even if he doesn't want to post, he could read other posts and take from them what he feels is appropriate.
Good Luck and God Bless.
Love, Michelle

Hello Cynthia and Michelle...How are both of you doing? Dumb question...Isn't it. Cynthia...when I read what your husband's cousin said about "it's just a cat...just imagine he ran awayor something." Well, I was so mad that if I would have been there...I would have thrown them out of my house and said you are longer welcome here!!!! I'm sorry, I don;t mean to make you mad but that is one of the most insensitive comments that I have ever heard! My husband was brought up in a house with all boys...and I hate to say this...but my mother-in-law is not very sympathtic either. So my husband probably comes by it naturally. Whenever I lose a pet...instead of my mother-in-law saying how sorry she is...instead she will say something stupid like "oh, you not getting another one are you?" Both of you had some very good reasons as to why my husband acts the way he does. When I feel like I can discuss it with him I will.
Today my husband,son and I took that ride to the mountains where we vacationed with TJ in April. I think TJ may have given me 2 signs or at least that is how I would like to think of it. First...we stopped at this place where they have animals...like a miniature zoo and they also sell hand made furniture. I was by myself and thinking of TJ deeply. Hoping that I would find a carved chair with a cat on it. I thought that would definitely be a sign. Instead they had this chair with horses on it. Well, of course I was disappointed, but decided to sit down anyway and try out the chair...before I even got to sit down...out of nowhere I noticed this pretty calico cat laying on the floor watching me. She just kept staring at me very peacefully. I immediately went to her and started to pet her...she began to purr very loudly. I picked her up and she never even tried to get away. i put her down and she just kept rubbing up against my legs. I felt such an intense attachment to her that I didn't want to leave. I talked to her quietly, so people wouldn't think I was nuts. I told her that I thought that TJ had sent her to comfort me and assure me that he was ok. Oh God...here come the tears. I told her to tell TJ that I love and miss him and would be with him again someday. I hated to leave this little cat. She must have only been about 1 year old. When I went into the building and came out the front door...there she was again looking at me. I stopped to pet her again and went to tell my husband the story. Well, he just had to see this. I think he thought I finally went off the deep end. To make the story even more interesting...years ago when we were first married and already had TJ...we took in a stray cat...you guessed it...the stray cat was a young calico who was pregnant. She was outside when she went into labor and came looking for me. She followed me all through the house that day. She eventually had 1 kitten and hours later when she tried to deliver the 2nd kitten had problems. The kitten was stuck. After instructions from my vet...I pulled the kitten out during the next contraction. That kitten I still have. Her name is Muffin and she is 19! My calico's name was Kitty and I feel as if she came to repay me for helping her many years ago. Then while driving home today...a sunny day...I looked at the sky and saw a piece of a rainbow. Not a whole rainbow but a piece. Strange or What? Have I gone over the edge?

HUGS,
Lisa...NOAH'S ARK

PS I would have loved to bring that little calico home. There was such an intense attachment as if I knew her. I almost cried when I left her.

Hi Lisa,
Our pets give us so many signs to let us know that they are around us constantly. After picking up Odins ashes yesterday there was a feeling of almost being complete... and I know that he was with me there in the car.. I swear I could feel his presence with me. And last night before going to bed. I brought his ashes up with me and Loki knew it was time to go to the "big bed" so he started to follow and I felt him there too... it was like i had my family back again.... I am so happy that you were able to feel your TJ with you...I know it is a great source of comfort.

sometimes people do and say callous things to us when we lose an animal we love. I usually just sit there and think of all the bad karma they are inflicting upon themselves. And michelle is right, people grieve at their own leisure and may not know how to appropriatly deal with a person who is emotional or distrought so they deal how they can. Its okay to want to be alone. I usually will say I dont want to talk about it now and my husband wont press the issue, he knows that when im ready i will discuss.

Take Care,
Cynthia

YES INDEED. MY "FIANCE' GIVING ME THE CLASSIC "GROW UP, SHE WAS OLD BABE , JUST GET ANOTHER ONE." AND MORE. VERY SOON I FEEL I WILL BE GRIEVING OVER A RELATIONSHIP LOSS ALSO. I AM SEEING A RESPONSE THAT IS AMAZINGLY DISAPPOINTING. TRUTHFULLY , MY FIANCE WAS VERY JEALOUS OF "DOLLY" WHILE SHE WAS ALIVE. AND DOLLY LOVED TO GET BETWEEN MY FIANCE AND I (SORT OF BLOCKING HER) MAYBE DEVINLY SHE KNEW SOMETHING ?????