Today is the beginning of a really bad weekend. We were notified last night that Odin’s remains were ready for us to pick up. And with that one phone call all the guilt, pain and anger came rushing back. Just when I had started to cope with the loss, my world comes crashing down again. I keep going over that sunday. The trip to the vet and him saying that he probably won’t make it and then rushing Odin to the hospital. Dreading every phone call that came to the house until the one that we didn’t want finally came through, telling me that he died. I just remember my leg shaking uncontrolably and clutching to my husband as I cried. Then going back to the hospital, to see his body before they took him for cremation. He looked so peaceful.... I just sat there and cried, cradling him in my arms, kissing his nose and stroking his ears... I miss him so much.

And I ask myself, why do I do this? Why do I allow myself to get so attached when I know that my heart will be broken? I am already imagining things with his brother Loki. Although Loki went to the vet on Tuesday and everything was okay with him, much to my relief. It was more for my benefit then his really. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him right now. And now Im getting all the insensitive j*ck*sses that have kittens and cats that they want to give me like I can simply fill the void. I even have Sister Lopez who originally captured both Loki and Odin trying to guilt me into taking the kitten she just captured. She claims its a “sign from God” and that I was meant to have this kitten. So God saw fit to smote my baby so that I can take another one???? No thanks, I’ll live with the void.... I am not looking forward to Saturday, that is when we are picking him up. I just needed to unload.......

Cynthia

Hi Cynthia,
I know exactly what you mean about the ashes. Dixie's ashes sat in the vet's office for more than 2 weeks before I could gather the strength to drag myself in there. Some people on this site have said they feel happy to have their baby back home. I wish I could feel that way, too. It is hard knowing that my vibrant, full of life furbaby is nothing but ashes in a box. That is hard, so damn hard. I wish you all the best as you go to pick up Odin'sashes. I know how difficult it is. Go when you feel ready, and not a moment sooner.
I too had people tell me that I should "just go get another dog". I DID do just that, and it did fill a small void. It is NEVER meant to replace your baby, but only to give you some comfort and another furbaby to love. Some people NEVER get another pet, and some do it right away like I did. I almost felt like I HAD to. My surviving dog Frances was soooo sad when DIxie suddenly "disappeared" from her life. This lasted 3 days and I couldn't take it anymore. We've always been a 2 dog family, and I knew Frances needed a canine companion. It was rough at first, but now Frances and Jake get along fine and Frances seems "almost" happy again. Yet, I'd give just about anything to have Dixie back. There is NO replacing her!!
My dad said to me after I adopted the new dog, Jake, "just think, if Dixie hadn't died, Jake wouldn't be with you!"
I'm sure he meant well, but I got angry....does he really think I wanted to sacrifice my baby of 8 years just so I could get a new dog?????
Maybe people just don't know how to act and what to say.
My thoughts are with you!
Dana

Hi Cynthia,
I am so sorry for your loss of Odin. I too just lost my little guy this past Sunday and have already had quite a few people tell me all I need is a new kitten to make me feel better. I wanted to scream - How dare U?? Have U no idea what he meant to me?? But I guess sometimes we have to just chalk this up to the insensitivity of others who haven't been fortunate enough to have a pet find a home in thier hearts as we have. But know that everyone here understands how you feel right now.
I however am looking forward to bringing home my guy - I have a deep ache to just have some part of him back here with me. While he is away I can't feel at peace. I don't know since I haven't gotten that call yet, but I know that my heart and my home feel empty without him and though I am still so pained by the thought of him being gone - I can't change it so if this is the way it has to be I at least want him here by my side in the home where he is loved and adored and remembered. I don't know if this helps- these feelings we are all going through are so raw and hard right now but I hope you can find peace when you decide to bring him back home - Believe me you should feel no guilt anyone who is as affected as you by his loss loved him very much and there are no regrets for that.

Nancy


Pudge
9/1/2003- 7/31/2005
My little Chicken, you were my whole heart and I hope you come back to me someday

Thanks Nancy and Dana,

I am coping as best I can. I feel a little better now. I have been having my ups and downs. This morning was a definate downer... With everything that had happened I didnt even ask how his remains were coming to me. If they would be in a box or urn or just exactly what I would be getting. I have been trying to find something that would best memorialize Odin, unfortunately I have yet to find an urn with a water feature. LOL!!!! He loved the water. He would sit on the edge of the tub whenever i took a bath or shower and I would tease him with the water. He would then stick in his paws trying to catch the water droplets as they fell. And if I didn't fill his mug with water he would always get testy and let me know. I hope that having him back will give me a sense of peace. Going home isnt the same anymore...I miss you tubby....

Thanks,
Cynthia

Hi Cynthia ~ I just want to say that my heart goes out to you as this new part of your grief process begins ~

When I brought Amber's ashes home it was a day filled with whirling and swirling emotions ~ I made it up as I went ~ but I was determined to find a way to make a meaningful ceremony for myself and also for her ~ it ended up being an intensely spiritual event ~

Basically I followed my souls directions ~ she now hovers close ~ yet I do not begin to believe that she is inside that urn any longer ~ when she was in her final years I used to tell her she was a bag of bones ~ she would look down her nose at me gazing at me as if to say ~ you are so crass ~ of course that has nothing to do with who I truly am as an entity in this universe ~ then she would "Phoof" at me and nestle her head upon her paws and pretend to sleep ~ and I would be laughing with that magical innocent music of childlike glee ~

Anyway ....I know that when she is close to me ...she goes close to the urn and the ashes ~ they serve as a marker of sorts to the spirit ~ because of this I have them sitting in her high place ~ all cats love high places and when she was young she was able to leap to the top of the entertainment center and proudly view her world from there ~ I also have the photo of howling wolves and a woman with them ~ that photo was with us all the last days of her life as a symbol of the transition to come ~

So to continue ~ when I finally brought her ashes home I also brought daisies for her table and then opened the window and the coolest most fragrant breeze blew through as I was filled with emotion I stood there alone this time (she usually stood in the sill breathing in all that was life and earth) holding her ashes I closed my eyes and breathed it all in and felt the dizzying validation of our lives and spirits forever bonded in whatever bonded spirits are destined to do ~

I believe that we are all connected in some way ~ its just a matter of how close and for what purpose ~

So that day as I stood there in the stillness and amid the timelessness of a swiftly tilting planet rotating in syncopation with my heart beat and the quiet warmth that finally envelloped me as I sat her urn on her pillow and covered it with the wolves and symbol of me ~ and there it remained

Until about a month later (and I am sure Amber had a paw in this) I found myself rescuing an 8 year old orphan at the Shelter who gave me the way back into that room and also into my life once more ~ until then I had not been able to go there at all ~ the funny thing is that the flowers never wilted that whole time until the day I brought sweet Sammie home and she was so afraid ~ and hid in fear ~ so by helping her not be afraid I have been able to help myself ~

My sweet Ambie - so smart and looking after me once again ~

This has been rambling - my thoughts and images on bringing my Amber home ~ and those early Spring time days in April ~

Thanks for listening ~ I hope it has helped you ~

Love and Peace ~ Kathryn