My Baby Pudge

I am so Thankful to have found this site for support. I am sitting here reading through your stories of loss so much like my own and crying through it all. I am truly sorry for each of you, as the depth of this pain seems to have no boundaries.
It has been 2 days since I lost my beloved “Pudge” aka ‘Chicken’ aka ‘Bugs’ aka ‘Buggats’. His ‘real’ name was Billy but as you can see he was a little portly and he would just fall against you with all his weight when he would sit with you, hence he became ‘the Pudge’. I have had and lost quite a few pets in my lifetime and though it was hard with each one this one has been especially difficult. Perhaps because it was so sudden or just because he was so special to me. Pudge was not quite 2 years old and while we were on our way back from a long weekend vacation he suddenly collapsed with no warning and was gone. On Sunday night, July 31st, as my boyfriend and I were driving and talking about how we couldn’t wait to get home to see the kitties (We had 2 – Pudges brother too - his name is Jesse), as we missed them terribly even when we were only away for a few days, when we got a call from my boyfriends mom who was watching them for us. She was so hysterical we could hardly understand and our young babies were the last things we thought could be the reason for her distress. Apparently we were wrong.
You see Pudge was all personality and you couldn’t do a whole lot around the house without him being a part of it and while they ate dinner that night (6:30) he played under the table and then sat in my chair just like the little person he was. At a little after 8 she came to check on them again before going out and there he was laying on the floor looking like he was playing with one of his toys but when he stayed motionless as she approached she knew something was wrong. When she went to pick him up she realized he was already gone – just like that. I have come to find out since that there is a heart condition (cardiomyopathy) that can go undetected without any symptoms until they suddenly just collapse. It is more predominant in males and often strikes cats under the age of 2. The vets all said it wasn’t our fault and that the prognosis even if it had been detected is only a few months more but I just can’t stand that I wasn’t here when he passed even if it was quick and peaceful (I hope). It took us another 3 hours to get home coming through the horrible DC traffic and the whole way I just cried in disbelief and ached to just get home and hold him and kiss him. – It couldn’t be – not my little baby – not him- Anything but him. I never felt so helpless before in my life.
This cat was my whole heart; he literally followed me everywhere I went. If I went into the kitchen he was under my feet while I walked and he was there sharing my chair with me and laying in my lap while I ate. When I watched TV or relaxed on the couch he would curl against me, spoon me or lay on my chest. Even in the bathroom – he would nudge open the door and swirl around my feet or jump on my lap and he would sit outside the shower waiting for me to emerge. He was the only cat I ever had that you could call out his name and he would come from wherever he was. He would rush up to greet me as soon as I got home. He was so close to me it was like he was a part of me. I used to sit and think how I would never be able to handle it if something ever happened to him and I was so glad I would have at least 10 or 15 more years before I would ever have to worry about it or so I thought and Just like that gone – no goodbyes, no last kisses, no comfort for him. I can’t stand it.
My question is - What am I supposed to do now that he is not here! Everything reminds me of him, there is nowhere I can go that is isn’t SO apparent that he is missing. I feel like someone just emptied out my whole insides and its just so hollow it physically aches.

I keep seeing him curled next to me while I work on my laptop kneading my lap and every few seconds looking up at me with this wonderful adoring look – like he was just checking to make sure I was still there and still with him. How do you get over that? – I sit here and it is just so empty without him- I don’t care about work or eating or anything – I just want him back so bad even for just a ½ hour so I could hold him once more while he was still alive and kiss his head and feet and tell him how much he was adored and how my life can never be the same without him. I hate that he was already gone the last time I got to hold him. He still looked so perfect and I held him on my chest for an hour and talked to him and cried and I carried him around the house so he could say goodbye to all his favorite spots and I still didn’t want to let him go – I still wasn’t ready for him to be gone.
We were considering a move in a few months to a new place – (full of windows for the kitties to bird watch) and now I don’t want to leave because I will have no memories of him there and I feel like I will lose what little I have left of him. If we leave will his soul come find us? I can’t stand the thought of him here without us. Our other kitty Jesse is so heartbroken – these 2 have never been apart and Pudge was the big brother always taking care of his younger, shyer twin. Now he just wanders the house calling to him or he will sit in “Pudges spots” and just call and call. I don’t know what to do for him – I know he is lost without his brother and most likely they were playing together when he passed.
I don’t know – I am sorry for the rant – I just feel so raw and lost without him. He was my light and I can’t and don’t want to imagine my life without him. Please tell me it gets easier everyone here still seems so hurt even after months and I just feel like this pain will never go away and at the same time I am scared that if it goes away I will have betrayed him by losing my true feelings for him somehow. I do feel so fortunate that if this was all the time he was meant to have in this world that I got to be the one to spend it with him, but I just miss him so much I can't take it.

N

Pudge – 9/1/2003 – 7/31/2005
My little chicken - You were my heart and I hope you will come find me again.

Pudge was absolutely beautiful...I'm so sorry for your loss.

Losing a loved one is hard, but when they leave so unexpectedly, it's so very hard. With Shiloh I had time to say goodbye, but with Hobbie, I was caught off guard by her passing. Even though I was caught off gaurd by Hobbie's passing, it wasn't as sudden as Pudge's passing. I know you must be devastated.

I can tell you that things will get better, but it takes time and a whole lot of tears.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Everything you wrote...I can totally relate to. My Moms cat(Rusty) died the same way last year on July 12th. We were sitting on the front porch and heard Rusty let out thisloud meow. We ran to him within a second...I called the vet...and I tried to revive him but he was already gone. The only comfort I can find in Rusty passing so fast is that he didn't die from a long drawn out illness and he didn't suffer. Your cat sounds like he had the same personality as my TJ. He also would sit in a chair at the table when we ate, waited for me to get out of the shower, then watched while I did my make-up and hair. Mornings are really hard now...I keep expecting to see his cute little face watching me...and there is none. At night he always jumped on the couch with me and watched TV. For the last year, I learned to sleep on my back all night just so TJ could sleep on my chest and cuddle. TJ was 22 years old...and I knew I wouldn't have him much longer...so I indulged him in every way I could. I didn't even go on vacation this year because I knew TJ would need me. I was so right. This would have been our week away and TJ died Monday night at 9:25pm.
Don't do the what ifs...you know...what if I would have stayed home...what if...what if...what if. I have done that in the past and it can make you crazy. TJ has only been gone for 48 hours but I think he would want me to go on with my life and be happy. It would probably upset him deeply to see me crying and know how distraught I am. I'm sure Pudge would want the same happiness for you also.
This evening I took my son to the park to play...I was sitting there thinking of TJ and feeling sad...when I looked up at the pavilion...my eyes were immediately drawn to a number on it. The number was 22...that was how old TJ was. I would like to think it was TJ's way of saying "It's ok...I'm still with you and around you always. I'm sure Pudge is also still with you. It's so hard though...one minute I feel so strong and then I fall. This is such an emotional roller coaster. I'll be thinking of you and looking for you to post.

Lisa...NOAH'S ARK

I'm feel so terrible about what you had to go through, the not being there, your baby being so young. Everything. Baby Pudge sounds like an adorable little sweetheart. He also actually reminds me of my very own baby who passed last Saturday evening.
I felt extreme saddness when I was reading about your Pudge, especially because everything you wrote about finding out about his death, sounds incredibly traumatizing, and familiar. Why I felt it really strongly is because I also found out over the phone. I was in another city hundreds of miles away, intending to have a romantic dinner with my boyfriend. Instead, while walking to the restaurant, my *mom* calls and tells me that my baby Angel has been found by my brother right next to the apartment building, dead. (they told me that he was hit by a car, but later I was told it *could* have been a predator) Needless to say, I collapsed right then and there. Didn't make it any further. After half an hour devastated on the sidewak, we turned to go back to my city. I was in complete shock. I couldn't believe it!
Angel, just like Pudge, left behind his companion -his sister Buffy. There are so many similarities that, as I read, I almost felt as if I was reliving what happend 5 days ago I just miss him so badly!
--I feel so incredibly sorry for you and your loss, I really can relate to it. It's really helped me, although I feel its very bad still (I cried when I woke up -again), to talk about it on this forum, and just to lean on my boyfriend's shoulder. I'm so lucky I can have all that support.


Quote:
"Please tell me it gets easier everyone here still seems so hurt even after months and I just feel like this pain will never go away and at the same time I am scared that if it goes away I will have betrayed him by losing my true feelings for him somehow."


I don't exactly know about months from now, because I just lost him, but it really depends. Some people a still very shaken, others are dealing and accepting. Trying to. Its so hard. About the pain going away and feeling scared that you will have "lost" your true feelings for him, I am feeling the same thing right now. I feel almost as if I *need* to think about him if I'm not, because I feel so guilty about... forgetting, in time. I know I won't really, but the fear is there. I wish I could offer words of encouragement to you! But its just so difficult right now. Again, I feel your pain.

hug, Anna

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!
I cannot express how much comfort your words bring me - though the pain is still so terrible there is such comfort knowing that others have been there and understand and are coping. Today was my first day back to work since I lost Pudge- I just couldn't bring myself to leave the house before today and even still I was questioning whether I really wanted to be around people yet during my whole drive in. Roller coaster is right - one minute I feel at peace thinking that he had a happy loved life and though I miss him I will never forget him and while I am still so sad that I wasn't here for him at that last moment I am also grateful that he didn't suffer and lose his spirit slowly to an illness as some of the others here have had to witness. Then the next minute I am so aware that I will never see him again except in my mind's eye and it all comes rushing back - the hollowness, the aching. You are right - this morning was the worst - I dreaded getting out of bed since he wasn't going to be there to jump up with me and meow and chase me to the bathroom or sit with me while I got ready - I keep watching the corner of the door waiting for him to pop his little face through and it is so terrible that I will never see that again. The drive home as the same - I delayed at work knowing that he wasn't waiting at the end of my long drive to greet me. I held it together pretty good through most of the day until my boyfriend emailed me - he is equally as broken up as I am -

His Email:
" I think when we get him back it will be sad at first but it will make us feel better. I think we hear crying at night now because he is not with us. When he comes home to us the crying will stop and we will hear purring instead when we are laying on the futon watching TV. I know it's hard because I am crying while writing this but things will get better. I truly believe that Billy(Pudge) was Jesse's real big brother and guardian angel. His job was to make sure that his little brother was safe and comfortable at all times. He even let the little wimp beat him up at times to make him feel better about himself. He tried to show Jesse not to be afraid of big bad Max (our dog) by sitting there calm and cool whenever he got close while Jess scurried away. He always laid behind Jesse to protect his back. He showed him all of the cool hiding spots in the basement like in the ceiling above the shower and the cedar closet, you know Jesse never jumps into or on something he can't see. In the past month or so we saw Jesse change and Pudge saw it too and that's when he knew it was time to go. Even though Jesse will never be Pudge, there is a lot of him inside Jesse's heart and it shows. When we get a few new kittens, it will be Jesse's turn to be a big brother and guardian angel to his new little brothers like Pudge was to him. Pudge is already tattooed in our heart and souls forever, there is no need to get a tattoo on your arm. I love you."

Can't imagine why I lost it right??

I miss Pudge so and I am still afraid that I will somehow betray his memory if I don't constantly remind myself of all his little looks and behaviors just as you said. I have these 2 small scratch marks on the inside of my arm from his feet from when I held him that night he passed. I have been kissing them and feeling comforted that maybe he can feel me kissing his little feets wherever he is. They are starting to heal now and that makes me so sad. That was something I had left from him and I don't want it to go away. This is why I was considering getting a little tattoo in that spot maybe a little toe print or something so I would always have it there, with me. I just feel such a need to have part of him here- I am actually looking forward to the call from the vet so we can get him and bring him home.

It is so empty here without you Pudge - I wish you didn't have to go!

Thank you all again for all your kindness, I hope we all find are able to find solace from our pain.

Nancy

Pudge
9/1/2003- 7/31/2005
My little chicken, you were my heart and I hope you will come find me again.

Nancy,

My heart goes out to you. I have a picture of my Odin with his brother Loki on the fridge. Whenever I pass it I kiss it and tell him that I love him. I have pictures of him at work too. I was a mess the first week after his death. I didnt want to stay in the house. I kept expecting him to run in chasing after Loki. And for a breif moment I tricked myself in believing he was there. My heart swelled when I thought he came back then I realized it was my mind playing a trick and my world crashed again. Loki was very lost the first few days, he was crying and searching. I would walk through the rooms with him, opening up closets and cabinets letting him look and sniff. When we were at work I would leave the radio on. He seems to be a little better. Whenever I see him looking depressed I just give him a big hug and kiss. That is the best that I can do. Odin's death was very sudden and unexpected. I had often imagined what my life would be without them. It was an unpleasant thought then and I am dealing with it now. I know the pain will go away. I know that in time I can look back with a loving smile on my face with all the joy and love he brought into my life. And I know that in time you can do the same...A pet is never gone from our lives as long as someone remembers them.

Cynthia