Last Thursday my husband and I had to say goodbye to our 13 year old tabby Jack. After about a month of attempted treatment for renal failure, we just couldn't bear to watch him suffering anymore. He had taken to hiding in the basement, he wasn't eating, wasn't drinking, and was having a hard time even walking around.

When we first took him into the vet, they kept him there for 4 days on fluid treatments, and he actually improved. When we brought him home, he did ok for the first day, but then after that, he decided he didn't want to eat anymore. Under the advice of our vet, we began fluid treatments at home. They seemed to perk him up a little, but he still wouldn't eat (and we tried feeding him everything!!!)

We discovered a vet in our area that specialized in renal failure, and took Jack to him for a second opinion. By this time, Jack was so fed up with trips to the vet that he just cried the whole time and it just BROKE my heart. This new vet kept him for a day for additional fluid treatments, and they also force fed him (which i was a little uncomfortable with.) That night i brought him home and he immediatly went to the basement and would not come back up. I found out from the vet the next day that his kidney levels were astonishingly high, and had more than tripled in the week and a half we had him home. He was in a very advanced state of renal failure. The vet's prognosis was grim -- hospitalize Jack for a week (and he was very unsure if that would even do anything) and after that, intense fluid treatments at home with constant trips to the vet for monitoring (and we were already doing fluid treatments at home!). I found myself faced with the hardest decision of my life. I just could not....COULD NOT hospitalize Jack again, and constant trips to the vet were even more horrifying to think of. For the next 3 days, he hid in the basement, not eating, not drinking, and only passing the fluids that we gave him (and couldn't even make it to the cat box). It broke our hearts, because he was still alert, and still somewhat responsive to effection, but we couldn't bear to see him suffering and hiding. On the 3rd day home from the vet, we made the painful decision. It was time.

We took Jack back to his regular vet, and it was SO much harder than i though it would be. He was a lot more alert than most cat's in renal failure, so they gave him a tranquilizer first to make him relax before they gave him the lethal shot. It didn't so much make him relax as it made him completely catatonic. It was heartbreaking. I thought he'd be somewhat aware that we were there, but it was like he was already gone. The drug was so strong he couldn't move or even blink (he had little tears running out of his eyes because they wouldn't shut). They finally gave him the final shot, and he was gone. It was truely the most heartbreaking thing i've ever had to go through.

It's been less than a week, and the grief is so intense. I got Jack when i was 19, and he was everything to me! It was like he was my child. And my husband became equally attached to him over the last 5 years. The house feels like it's lost it's soul without him there. And on top of it, we're, of course, second guessing our decision, and feeling terribly guilty. Did we act too hastily? Should we have waited? Did we give up on him? All this runs through my head constantly, as well as the images of him being put down. When i go through all the events one by one, i DO feel that we did the right thing, and it was our decision to make because we knew him best. He wasn't going to get better, and anything we did would have just prolonged his suffering. But still, what if...what if....what if.....

I feel so lucky to have been able to have him in my life, and i know i'll never meet another cat like him. He was truely unique. It's hard to believe he's gone. I know that time will offer peace and healing. But.....i just miss him so! :<(

You were a wonderful mom to Jack. You did everything you could to keep him healthy, happy and comfortable. In the end, you did what any good mom would do. You took on his pain so he could be free. I believe Jack is healthy and young again, playing with all our furries while he waits for your time to join him.

I haven't had to put a pet down yet, but from what I've read here, what you're feeling is completely normal. Even though your brain knows you did the right thing, your heart doesn't want to let go of the idea that there could have been some way to fix Jack. In time your brain and heart will reach a compromise that they both can live with, but in the mean time, brace yourself for a rollercoaster ride.

Allow yourself time to grieve. Be good to yourself. Get enough rest and food to keep yourself from becoming sick. Come back here as often as you'd like. It's safe here. Everyone understands what you're going through and the irrational thoughts that we all seem to have in the early days of grief.

Tim

I am sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. When you are told that putting your kitty to sleep is peaceful, you are not prepared for the shock of what it is actually like. My Pumpkin was put to sleep On July 23. First the vet had to move the tourniquet around to expose a vein (they were hard to find) and then Pumpkin howled the entire time the euthanasia fluid was injected until his death. My daughter noticed Pumpkin's eyes were huge and his tail was puffed out and promptly burst into tears. In retrospect, I don't think I would have my kids there because it was quite upsetting.

What helped me was that someone on this site told me that the pain of being put to sleep lasted a very short time. If Pumpkin had died a "natural" death, he would most certainly have suffered a prolonged, agonizing death. He was to the point where he couldn't eat or drink, either. Still, when it came time to take him to the animal clinic, he looked so comfortable and content in his sleeping spot. In the back of my mind I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I think anyone who makes this hard decision for their pet will experience guilt.

I know you made the right decision. The only thing Jack had in his future was vet visits and pain. I applaud you for making the hard decision to let him go "peacefully". I read somewhere that pets live in the here and now. If today does not hold joy and comfort for them, and there is no hope for a cure, it is time to let go. Like my Pumpkin, Jack was hiding. This means that he was in pain and trying to hide it. Animals tend to do this. You took on this terrible pain to end his. You are very courageous.

There is a hole in your heart. My advice is to cry when you need to and talk to understanding friends. And remember that we're here for you.
Love,
Helena

I'm sorry that Jack is gone. I can understand what you're going through...last night my cat TJ passed away from CRF. I did sub-Q fluids at home for 5 months along with other meds. Luckily, TJ did quite well until about 1 week ago when he got very weak and did not want to drink anymore. All cats progress at a different rate with CRF and it sounds like you did everything possible to help Jack. I know all about the what if...what if...what if????? It can make you crazy. You gave Jack a good home for all those years. Just think of all the poor animals that never get a chance at a good home. Jack was very lucky to have you in his life! It hasn't even been 24 hours since I lost TJ and I don't know how to act. I feel like I just want to lock myself away and keep everyone out. So...I do know your pain.

HUGS...Lisa...NOAH'S ARK

I cried so hard as I read your story about Jack. My Cosmo had the same problem on May 24, and my vet told me right out that she didn't think anything would help decrease those high levels. I trusted her and put him down right then and there. He was purring when he saw me, so I wanted to not do it, I was convinced that he thought I was there to bring him home.
It took 2 shots of buthanasia to put my sweet baby down, and I asked myself over and over if I did the right thing, and "what if..." I had waited, it took me 2 months to find some peace in my decision, but I still want my baby back!
I know just how sad you feel, our home has changed since Cosmo has been gone, and it will never be the same.
I know I let him go with some dignity, but I wanted to stop them, I just didn't.
I don't know the words of comfort for you now, I just want you to know that I understand, and I am here if you need me.
If you look up my posts, and the beautiful souls that responded to them, maybe it will help you, since you are in the same sinking boat as I am.
It has been 10 weeks today since I said good-bye to my Cosmo, and believe me, it isn't any easier now than it was on that first day. I know that doesn't sound encouraging, but even though I am still so very lost, this forum has helped to save me, and I hope you find the same salvation within these posts.
I am thinking of you and sending love and prayers your way, take care and let me know how you are holding up.
Love,
Michelle

I'm so sorry about your sweet kitty, Jack.

In your post you said so many things that reminded me of losing my Shiloh. My Shiloh was diagnosed a year ago in May with lymphoma. We did chemo therapy all last summer and she tolerated it very well, and didn't mind the trips to the vet at all. In August Shiloh came out of remission and my vet oncologist described a variety of other more aggressive things we could do to try and keep Shiloh in semi remission. Well, by this time I knew Shiloh was getting fed up with the weekly pokes and prods, and I had to ask myself..."If I go ahead with more chemo, am I doing it for me, or am I doing it for Shiloh?" And I knew that if I answered I was doing it for me, I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. So, I opted out of the more aggressive chemo and let nature take its course. Shiloh lived life to its fullest one more month. She started feeling really bad on Sept. 16th of last year, and I made the decision to end her suffering Sept. 17th. Sometimes I still look back with regret at not trying other things to keep her here, but in my heart I know setting her free was what I needed to do for her.

After Shiloh died a friend of mine came to my house and mentioned that without Shiloh around, the feel of the house was different...kind of empty feeling. Shiloh's spirit was a great presence in the house, and I have to say, the house still doesn't feel the same...I don't think it ever will. I do find comfort in the fact that Shiloh may be gone from my house, but her spirit has taken up permanent residence in my heart.

You will heal in time. Be sure to be gentle with yourself and give yourself that time and space to heal.

You're in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Kathleen

Hon, I know just what youre going through. The day we put Middy down I coudn't even watch. Her eyes stared at us, but it was like she wasn't there.

But you were there with your kitty. I'm sure he knew that you were there and he was grateful. Its really hard, but he's not suffering now. The worst thing you could do was make him suffer just to keep him longer. I'm sure the treatments took alot out of him. You did the absoloutle best thing possible for your baby, and I know he's sitting on Jesus' lap with all of our other kitties, and purring thanking you for letting him go to heaven in peace.

much love and prayers,

Noriko