Hello everyone, I am new to this sight, but I need some kind of advice or encouragement. I am ashamed to be here and even more ashamed at what I am about to disclose to all of you. I am definately an animal lover and I have many of them. I live in the mountains of West Virginia on a property of 17 acres. It has caves and waterfalls and trails and rock cliffs. It is a childs dream and an animals wonder. I own many pets. I have 3 chickens, 1 bunny, 1 cat (Kee Kee) and I had 6 dogs: Sausage(lab/basset hound mix), Butchy (afganhound/sheperd mix ), Nanna(Norwegian elkhound/husky mix) , Pal(rotweiller/~~zu mix) , and my newest additions, brothers - Spot and Buster (Saint Bernard/Great Dane mix). My husband refers to all of my animals as "Ma Ma's little children." I guess I am a bit obsessed with them. I relate better to them than to people in general. I love all of them, but I am closest to my dogs. They are like my children. I keep all of them in the house and freely let them roam our property together whenever they want. They all love hikes up our mountain and jumping in the the two streams which run on our property. I don't have to worry about traffic, I live 10 miles from the nearest town and 3 miles from the nearest busy road. I don't really need leashes so they have a free and happy life. I live 1 mile from the nearest neighbor. My animals are my life. I have a lot of emotional difficulties that they fullfill for me! I have been emotionally and physically abused in my life, so they are the only thing I have found which give me true comfort in my sadness. I have no friends or anyone but my husband and son to talk to , so my dogs are really my only friends, and of course they don't talk..at least not like people. They are like a little family for me. They all have such diverse personalities. One (sausage) gets jealous like a child because he was my first, he's two years old. And Butchy is the mediator. If I argue with my husband or child he wiggles his body in between us and tries to settle things down with his affection. My husband calls him "Sonny Bono" for some reason, He was adopted because he was being cornered by a three leged dog who tried to kill him. Nanna is my only girl and she was accidentally run over by my husband as a young puppy, so she is gentle and sweet. Pal was a rescue dog that had been beaten and covered in tar and starving with worms when my husband gave him to me. And last but certainly not least are my newest additions Spot and Buster who are only 4 months old. They are huge puppies that we got to guard our property. They run the show. Always leaping and jumping and wrestling all over the yard, house, coach, beds. They are so clumsy right now, they are always flopping their bodies all over everything. When I call the dogs to go outside the puppies run full force, sometimes ramming their heads into whatever is in there way, funny thing is it doesn't even phase them, they just keep on going. All my animals interact with one another. My cat is friends with the bunny. They hang out on the porch together. My cat is also friends with my dogs. They lay together and play. The bunny likes to charge at the dogs, she has no fear! My chickens like to peak their little heads through the porch door at me.. I 've caught them trying to come in the house on numerous occasions. All of my dogs knock at the door, just like a person, when they want to come in the house. Sausage is the one who started that and taught the others. If you don't answer the door right away he'll keep knocking louder and louder and louder. They usually want outside all day and also throughout the night! I get up all hours of the night letting them in and out all day and night. It is tiring but I know there is a purpous to why they do it, so it's worth it to me! They are all mischevious. They get into my garbage, take off with socks and articles of clothing, that you later find laying in the yard somewhere. Sometimes they take off with your shoes and walk by you waiting for you to chase them, to get your shoe back! They all have such a sense of humor! I wish you could meet them, they are all unbelieveble!
Now comes the very sad news of why I am here. Monday February 23, 2004 Spot was displaying some sickly behaviors. He threw up something that resembled deer parts. At first I didn't think anything about it, because they often find dead things and eat and run around the yard with them. But then he started throwing up his food and became lathargic. I started worrying, so I gave him a dose of pain/fever medicine because he was wimpering and felt warm. This week my husband hadn't gotten paid yet, so we couldn't afford to take him to the vet. So I thought I would try to help him any way I could until I could afford it. The next couple of days he got progressively worse. He began throwing up all the time, having diariah. He was lathargic and woudn't really eat. He was excessively drinking water and urinating. I began to freak out and panic and gave him another childs dose of pain and fever reducer. Finally he died in my arms at 6:20 a.m. yesturday February 26, 2004. The same day as my Step-daughters birthday and 15 minutes before my son was to get up for school. I picked his lifeless body up and laid him in his cage and covered it so my son wouldn't see him. My son knew he was sick, but I wanted to tell him after he got home from school, so he wouldn't have a bad day! Later that day my husband silently buried him. You see, we lost another puppy in September. Her name was Chloe and she too was 4 months old and displayed the same signs. The way in which she suffered was unspeakable. I still can't really think about it. At that time, we were again between pay checks and couldn't of afforded the treatment to save her, we ended up having to uthenize her the only way we had available..to shoot her! So my husband layed Spot next to Chloe's grave. later that evening when my husband went to work. I began to inconsolebly cry in grief. Then something suddenly informed me of where I went wrong. This is the part that I am ashamed of and almost afraid to reveal.....this is the reason I am here. I did some studying on the internet last evening and realized that I ignorantly and unknowingly had killled my own dog. My little friend, my little child! That pain reliever and fever reducer that I gave spot was none other than Ibuprofen and Acetominophen....which are deadly to dogs. And what is even worse is that only 4 hours ago I did some additional studying and discovered that all that had been initially wrong with spot was that he had tapeworms, which are generally not really that dangerous and easily treatable. So all the unspeakable suffering that he went through I caused. I killed my own friend! There are no words to describe the visions of his suffering that I hold in my mind at my own hands!! How ignorant could I have been! I caused him to suffer! I hold so much grief , sorrow and guilt that I cannot describe to you how I feel! I know that these descriptions are going to be very graphic, but I have no where else to turn to express what will always be in my mind. Watching him helplessly wander from room to room in pain and anguish as the drug in his system turned his insides into mush. Watching him walk around while blood came running out of his back side and helplessly looking at me in anguish Watching him throw up his internal organs and hearing the sound of his guts as I tried to give him pedialite. and then finally after having been up all night, until I passed out at 6:00 am and waking up to the sound of gasping and choking at 6:18 a.m. Running to his suffering body writhing in agony. His legs stiffening and him gasping for his final breath. He died in my arms, his lifeless body that I had made that way!!!!!!!!!!!! For the rest of that day I had thoughts of overdosing myself on the same drugs that I had given to Spot so I would suffer as he had! I feel that I deserve to suffer in agony far more severly than he! To later find out that there really hadn't been anything too seriously wrong with him to begin with.....so all of that was for nothing!!!!! Watching the other dogs hide in sorrow under the house. Listening to them whimper in sadness! Watching his brother lay in depression on the coach not moving! Watching his brother lay by the cage where I had layed Spot to rest until he could be buried! And then the smell of his death! I can still smell it in the house! It is still on the sheets even though I washed them! Knowing that the other dogs can smell it too ,even when I eventually won't! The other dogs wondering where there friend and brother is! These are the visions that I will forever have in my mind, knowing that I foolishly and ignorantly caused great suffering to an innocent creature. Can God ever forgive me!? Can I ever forgive myself!? Feeling that I am the only one in the world that was stupid enough to do something like this to something I greatly loved! Not only do I have to to deal with his death but the responsibility of it as well! I feel ashamed and afraid to tell anyone this! Especially all of you which probably already knew that those medications were deadly! I feel stupid and worthless and a miserable piece of garbage! I feel I deserve to die and suffer for what I did in ignorance! How can I ever get over what I will forever have ingrained in my minds eye!!!!! will I ever not have those terrible visions of his untimely and tramadic death! How will I ever be able to come to terms with the responsiblity that I hold for his demise!!!!!! Dealing with the grief of a pet is one thing, dealing with the responsiblity and cause of his death is completely another! Please Forgive me for what I have done! Please don't hate me! Please don't despise me for my foolishness and ignorance! I already know what I have done and I am the one who must live with it forever!!!!!!!! I am so sorry Spot!!!!!...I love you my little friend!!!!!! Please forgive me Please! My little friend I am so sorry I could not see you grow up and become something great. I am so sorry that my foolish actions cost you your life! I would trade my life for yours in a minute! Your were a far better person than I can ever be!!!!! I did not deserve you! I was blessed with you and I took your life!!!!!! I feel like I want to die!! I cannot bare this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please Forgive me! Please Help Me to deal with this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Sally there is going to be a long hard journey in front of you while you learn to forgive yourself, I too, many moons ago, gave my dog a human tablet which I later found probably caused her more harm than good but I gave it to her with all good intentions and completely oblivious to the fact that animals and humans cannot always take the same medication. Maybe my lesson from this was to wonder why then do humans experiment on animals with human medication and am now a member of Buav who try to put a stop to these barbaric behaviours of humans.

While I did not loose my dog I have an inkling of how guilty you are feeling yet wonder if you would be so hard on some else that made the same mistake?

We non of us (I assume) have much medical knowledge but I would guess that you could be wrong about your diagnosis and would be reluctant to agree with you that this is the cause of Spots death, the only way you can be 100% sure is to have an autopsy and I don’t believe you need to do this.

Make preparations in case one of the others become ill find out what medication can be kept in the cupboard for your pets for various ailments if needed again in the future, and put some money in an envelope deep in a draw for emergencies only or maybe a credit card that would be put away for emergencies only. And of course this is one good reason why those of us that walk our dogs in the streets should clear up after them so, as disgusting as the thought is, we can inspect there poo for any abnormalities, for instance did you know that if there is a jelly like sack around it then this informs us that there is stress and if it is a brick red colour then this could be a problem too.
If the white of their eyes are red this also indicates a health problem.

For most pet problems sleep is a wonderful cure and they should be put in a quiet room where they will not be disturbed by anyone.

I'm no expert these are just little tips I have learned in the 17 years of being a dog owner.

I wish you well and plead with you to not be so hard on yourself, we here know that that is impossible as it seems to be part of the grieving process to let our minds run away with us and torture ourselves over what ifs and if onlys.

Please take care
Love Sue

Dear Sally:

My heart is breaking for you, and just know that "you did not know" that the medicine you gave Spot could've resulted in this...
As for "Can God ever forgive you?", Yes, Sally, God can forgive you; He already has..... Please remember that!!!!!! The God I believe in, in Heaven, is a kind and loving God - He love's all of his children.... Also know that Spot is by His side; he is running, playing, healthy & having fun among the meadows & flowers....

As Sue said, "she wonders whether or not you would be so hard on someone who made the same mistake???" I, for one Sally, I don't think you would be so hard on someone else..

Please, do not torment yourself - you did not know....... Okay, please??

It is very expensive taking our beloved animals to the vets, but again, as Sue said (she has been on the forum for a long time and has a lot of good advice, wisdom, insight, etc...), put some money away (anything), in a drawer for veterinary emergencies... Or, try and get a credit card and just use that for the vets office.

I don't know how feasible this is, but if you live near a vet, perhaps you could "help out there" and, instead of making money, perhaps they would take care of your pets for the time that you spent working there. It's just a thought.....

I wouldn't think that going into the internet and torturing yourself with information is going to help you in anyway, or make you feel any better.
I'm glad you found this site, Sally, I really am.... You are here now, and I believe it is where you need to be.. I'm not sure what I would've done without all these wonderful people.

I certainly do not hate you, and I don't think you'll run into anyone on this site that "hates you".
There will be a long journey ahead of you while you learn to forgive yourself (another Sue quote), but you will.

I gave one of my cats (many, many years ago), an aspirin tablet.... I was much younger then, but, I'm not sure that a cat should receive an aspirin.
The best way to find out what to give a pet, is of course, to consult with a vet.
I am very sorry for your suffering, and sadness... please try and be kind with yourself - I really believe Spot would want that for you.... He wouldn't be very happy seeing you this sad.... Right??

I think it was Maya Angelou who said, "you did what you knew how to do, & when you KNEW better, you DID better". It was something to that effect.. We learn..
Take care Sally and write here as often as you need.

God Bless you!
Love, Denise

Sally,

Please try to be gentle on yourself. We all make mistakes when we didn't know and assumed it was for the benefit of our animals. When we find out later that it was wrong the guilt can be unbearable.

About a month ago my 9 month old kitten Jojo ate some string. I wasn't sure if he did or not since I saw the thread from my sewing machine pulled out and the end of it was looped. There was no thread in his mouth There were 2 to 3 spots of vomit on the carpet where he usually waits for us to come out of our bedroom. I was more concerned about my husband getting mad about the carpet so I cleaned it up as fast as I could before he woke up. The idea of the kitten eating the thread did cross my mind as the cause of the vomitting but I wasn't sure. If he did eat it maybe he could pass it since I had heard of a lot people pulling string and tinsel out of their cats butt. I even thought about bringing him to the vet that day but I thought it might be a waste of $60-70 if it was something minor. So I told myself I would wait a day. Unfortunately, I had to stay late at work and I got sick and couldn't get out of bed. The day after my husband wanted to go out for the whole day and I couldn't make the time. On the 4th day I finally got him to the vet. All that time he was waiting he was retching and vomitting a green-yellow liquid 3 to 4 times a day and and hiding in dark spots. My husband kept on saying he was getting better. The vet did surgery the following morning but the damage had been done. The thread had cut up a lot of his intestines and they had to remove a lot of it leaving him with a short section. The vet persuaded me to let Jojo go since his quality of life would be poor and initally I resisted but I finally gave in because I didn't want him to suffer. All that costed $1100 and I didn't even get to bring Jojo home.

Ever since then I have been on the internet researching cats ingesting string and have been kicking myself. Why didn't I know. It seems like the dangers of string are out there but why didn't I at least call my vet?? The more I search the guiltier I get. I should have brought him to the vet the first day. I too have wanted to lay down and die because of my ignorant mistake, but I have to keep on going because I have another cat, a new kitten and husband and a baby due in July all depending on me. My husband doesn't understand my pain. I have my bad days and good days. I've blamed everyone and everything and mostly I blame myself. I wish I could turn back time.

Please hang in there Sally. Because I'll try to do the same.

Love Tia

Hi, Sally,

Nobody hates you. I hope that you can learn to forgive yourself. If you read many of the posts, you will quickly learn that no matter how our furbabies die, we blame ourselves. We FIND a way to hold ourselves responsible, say it is our fault and feel ashamed and guilty. You, clearly, are putting a whole lot of effort into doing this. It is understandable, but please stop torturing yourself.

You do NOT know why Spot died. You are telling yourself you do, but you do NOT. Remember -- you gave him the &%^gesic BECAUSE he was acting sickly. You seem to be starting to get the order of things confused in your mind. And you did the very best you could under the cir%%stances. That is ALL anyone can ask of you or expect of you...

There are people out there who abuse and torture animals. For kicks. You are NOT one of those people. I am not opposed to torturing those people, and I wish they would learn some self torture techniques. You are NOT one of those people. You love your pets and do right by them. Do not treat yourself like you are one of those vile and disgusting animal haters.

I am very sorry for your loss of Spot. I know his life was too brief (it always is), but it sounds like you have created a heaven-on-earth for your pets, and I am sure he had a wonderful wonderful wonderful time during his stay with you.

Love,
Jennifer

Thank You all for your support and understanding! Day 2 and 3 were very hard for me! I was in a state of numbness about everything. Everything after that day just seemed to get worse and worse for me! I have more bad news, my other dog Pal became sick as well. He displayed the same symptoms as Spot did. He disapeared when I let him out to go to the restroom and I haven't seen him for three days. I am sure that he is dead as well. I looked all over my property, but there is close to three-hundred acres of wooded land surrounding my home, so I don't think I will find him either. The thing which is now going to be hard for me, is that the reason Pal started displaying the same symptoms as Spot , is because when Spot became sick and threw up, I caught Pal eating Spots vomit. That means he to injested the Acetominophen and had to of died the same way! I lost two dogs with one ignorant act, within a span of 4 days! Then Spots brother became ill, but I didn't give him anything and he has been slowly recovering. He still doesn't know how to operate without his beloved brother Spot! I think the Tapeworms were the cause of his sickness, but his sorrow didn't help any either. Then my computer got attacked by a virus and I had to re-do it. So, I appologize for my delay in responding to all of you! I did feel better knowing that others have made mistakes like the one I did. And "No" I would not be as hard on someone else if they made the same mistake. I guess I just expect more out of myself. But I was careless and now I have paid dearly and so did my little children. I miss them so much and keep seeing them in my mind. Sometimes I think I see them out of the corner of my eye! I keep calling my other dogs by their names, mistakenly! My son who is only 7, said the most beautiful thing to me the other day! He sat on top of this giant rock that overlooks Spot and Chloe's grave, by himself. Later he came in and said: " Mom, Spot and Chloe are playing in the feild together...you just can't see them, but they are!" I cried with a smile!
I agree that I think that I came to the right place to deal with all of the emotions that I am having right now! Thank You again!

Are you sure that there is not a poisonous plant lurking somewhere on your property that they are eating?
I've pinched the following from a website that recommends natural remedies for our pets which I have listed in Links News and Other Info:
'Privet, Ragwort, Foxglove, Acorn, Hemlock etc. What about Marijuana, Poppy, Tobacco or even, to a lesser extent, Coffee - all natural plants which could hardly be classed as harmless. Sometimes one part of a plant is poisonous while another part isn't. Sometimes a particular plant is poisonous to one species of animal but not to another. '
Might be worth taking a look around.

Pack animals do tend to wonder off to be on their own when they know its their time to die, my Sadie tried to but having only a small garden she had to make do with laying at the bottom, till I picked her up and bought her back in which I am convinced is not what she would have wanted.

It must be wonderful to be young and not yet been fed the illusion that our life is all there is, Spiritualism believes that this is school and when we die we go home, the crazy thing is home is here and if we only had less negativity we would see them when we needed to.
You should listen to your son he has a wise head on his shoulders.
Love Sue

((((((((((((( Oh Sally )))))))))))))))) I can't imagine the pain you are feeling - I'm so sorry for your loss - please don't beat yourself up over what happened. You didn't do it out of malice, you didn't know -
God bless you, may He help ease your feelings of guilt and pain.