Hi Everyone:

I've missed everyone here very much and I'm glad I'm back. We had a change in e-mail address, and I'm grateful to MD for fixing the problem.
It'll be three weeks, Feb 28, since our babygirl Ernie was put to sleep (April, 1984 - Feb 7, 2004). I should've known better. Early on, one of my posts (or a couple) were kind of upbeat, and I guess I may have felt that way at that time, but right now, I really miss my baby so much.
I miss seeing her, touching her.....
Sometimes Ernie would just stare at me for hours, and I'd play with her & stuff, but I didn't really know what she wanted.... sad to admit, but I'd feel "uncomfortable", like, "why is my girl looking at me...?" You know, what I wouldn't give right now to have her sweet little face look at me.. staring at me endlessly for hours..... I miss her tremendously, and whatever "grief phases" I should've been going through, things are really hitting home now....

I'm sorry to anyone if I offended them in anyway, for, I'm not sure it was "the real me" talking...

The crying has come back today, I still sleep with her little Lemur & Lion. She's just not here, and it hurts.
And, I would give anything to see her again. She used to our little alarm clock in the morning, meowing until we got up to give her fresh water & ice cubes.... new food.... I feel so very lost without her.....
I think back to the day she was put to sleep, and, I don't think I'll ever forget "the image"; though she went very peacefully, just to see her lying there. I should've picked her up & held her, but, I know that was "her shell" (at least that's what I've been told).

To all who have new babies, please pick them up & give them a hug & kiss from me.....
Thank you all for listening..........
Love, Denise

If I had a quarter for every time I've said "I should have hugged him more" or "I should have gotten up at 4am every time he wanted to play" I'd have thousands of dollars. We love them. Life happens and we treat them as family - "what-ifs" don't bring them back.

So we should try to remember the times we DID hug them. When we DID chase them around the house while they gleefully stayed exactly four inches away from our grasping fingers, tail straight up in the air.

I'll give Oscar a hug for you - and when he sits across the room staring at me for half an hour at a time I'll think of Ernie and maybe I'll try to catch him and give him a big hug. But he probably won't let me. We're family - we take each other for granted sometimes - even though I know neither one of us will be here forever. But until the end, whether I pick him up or not, I'll love him like crazy.

To: DJ - Edgar, Jesse & Tom's mom:

Thank you very much for your post as it put a smile on my face !!

Ernie did that all the time; she'd stay that 4 - 6 inches away so that I couldn't catch her.... That was something lovely to remember, as I can picture my girl, doing just that....

I never had any "human children", so Ernestine was my beautiful DSH tortie kitty.... she was a beautiful baby and grew into a gorgeous, wonderful daughter-cat, and remains so beautiful in my heart and mind.

Family....we all take each other for granted, until such time that one is gone....

Thanks again for your very helpful post.... you gave me a lot of things to think about...
Love, Denise

Denise,

The going backwards that you are experiencing is quite normal. Not to worry. I still (after 5 Months) go into crying fits just like I did during those first few days.

I hear you about the image. For a very long time everytime I thought of Snoops that is the image that came to my mind. One thing I did was everytime that image came I would force myself to remember a happier image. After awhile it worked, now when that image comes my mind automatically transfers to another image (kind of like a slideshow).

About the hugging ... I think it is safe to say that everyone here would here would just about everything for one more hug but honestly even if you had that hug it still wouldn't be enough. Your Ernie is not in pain anymore, hold on to that thought.

Denise, thank you for the comment about your Ernie staring. This must be something that animals do as my Snoops would do that all the time and my current two do it as well. I am going to remember your post tonight when my Rosie starts staring at me ... and she will thank you because instead of my "ignoring" her I am going to pick her up and hug her. Thank you for reminding me just how special these moments are .

DJ - Edgar, Jesse, Tom's Mom,

Thank you so much ... your post brought back many memories of my Snoops during his younger days and my chasing him all over the neighborhood while he stayed exactly 1 inch from my fingertips. I remember being quite annoyed at the time (this would go on for hours) but now the memories make me smile.

Hugs,
Beth

Dear Beth:

Thanks for saying what I'm going through is normal....

I do miss her very much, but I know that she was hurting, and I didn't want Ernie to hurt anymore... I will miss her always.

I still do want to adopt a couple of "new cats" as our new family, at a no kill shelter. There are just so many shelters, and it's so hard to look at their pictures, and know there are endless furbabies that need homes..... It is so sad!!!!
I could "help a shelter" as well, by donating like $10.00/month for one furbaby, to help some of the shelter's costs....

But, the quiet in our apt., is deafening...., and there's no "furbaby" jumping on my bed, etc.........
I think everyone may know what I mean......

I hope that soon I will be able to put a pic of Ernie on this site so everyone here can see her... she was our beauty!!!

Thanks Beth! Give your babies hugs for me.
Love, Denise

You know anger is part of the grieving process and it cannot just be buried it has to be dealt with - even if its stumping your feet and having a tantrum like a three year old.

Was it someone on here that said if we didn’t have any down days then we wouldn’t enjoy the good days !!!

Pretty soon it will be a year since I lost Jude and a year and 3 months since loosing Sadie and I read your posts and your answers and they are like memories of what I said, felt, replied and something’s that I didn’t say.
Its human instinct to survive so we may take a lot of backward steps, but we get there in the end, we just have to be patient and loving with ourselves, after all our fur babies loved us so we cant be that bad that we cant love ourselves a little more.

Sue

Hi Sue:

Thanks for talking about the grieving process, anger, etc..... Maybe I thought I was just going to "realize that Ernie was very ill, it was her time, etc.", and get on with it. The latter "get on with it", I'm not getting on with anything, b/c I miss my girl like crazy..

I loved your statement, "After all, our furbabies loved us so we can't be that bad that we can't love ourselves a little more." That was nice to read!!!

The silence in this house is deafening.....I was just talking to Ben (he's at work), and we will be "going on that vacation" before we adopt a couple of new "furbabies".... He's an optician, self-employed, and hasn't taken a "string of days vacation" in over 5 years..... I look forward to the vacation so that he can relax

Do you, or anyone know: what is the best way, place, etc., to look for a "new furbaby family"???? I look in the computer and my heart breaks, because there are sooooooo many pictures of wonderful animals who are just looking to find a home, to give love and to be loved.....

Thanks again Sue!

Love, Denise

For me, the best way wasn't a "no-kill" shelter. The best was the Humane Society. They are overworked, exhausted people trying desperately to deal with difficult numbers of abandoned and feral animals - all of whom have a deadline.... think about that. A deadline...

Save one. The words "no-kill" mean they're safe. Donate some money to one and let them stay safe.

Save a life instead. Go to the SPCA on a WHIM!! Look into every one of the cages. Then see who touches your soul with theirs.

And give them a chance to live.